Racism

My heart goes out to the people and the rioting in Ferguson.  It seems like it is a war of whites and blacks.  I HATE IT.  I can't really change it or make it stop. 
But it got me thinking about my life and the human race and the changes I can make in my life and my community. 

I have always dreamed of having a interracial family because I feel like its a reflecting of God's family.  I am VERY aware of adoption and racism comments that were commented to me that are plain heart bleeding.  I wonder if the people saying them has ANY idea that they are hurtful.  But I wonder if I have ever said anything that could have been hurtful to someone other than Caucasian, without intending it.  If I have, I'm am sorry!

I was listening to a podcast this morning and it made me think.

1. Regardless of what race you are, there are two sides.  Both can be wrong, both can be rude, both can be unchristian.  Still with that said, We are called to love.  We need to feel compassion on both sides. 
2.  God's Kingdom trumps everything.  To be a Child of God, we need to put our differences away.  In God's Church, all races are there.  We are all brothers and sisters in the Lord.  I'm sorry that I'm pasty white and opinionated and very flawed but I'm still your sister, and because of that, regardless of what skin shade you are, I need to feel compassion and I love YOU.  
3.  Forgiveness.  God calls me/us to go and forgiveness even if it was something done against me/us.  It doesn't matter if that wrong doer doesn't want forgiveness.  We are commanded by God to forgive. 
4.  Racism.  I often wonder how "Christians" can be racist.  Because our Lord's Son most likely wasn't white because He was from the Middle East.  I don't care what your great great grandparents thought or felt.  We need healed from the sin of the past.  My heart aches at the injustice of the past and present.  (If you need a book to read, read Uncle Tom's Cabin, so MUCH sin and injustice).  We, as Christians, need to rise above the past.  The Bible is very clear that ALL people are valued.  All people are God's creation.  All are called to be His son's and daughters.  All can be saved through Jesus' blood.

Love to you.....

Momma love

So I go over to help my mom and somehow I end up with a bag of goodies to come home with. 

It seems like this happens ever time I visit. 

But today was a extra special gift. You see, my mom knows I really really don't like crust. I would rather just skip the pie. I know they are delicious, but nah, I hate that bottom. And my mom does make the best crust but nope. 

So she sometimes when she makes the filling and she makes the excuse that it's a ity bity too much to fit in the crust, she makes me this tiny little pie. 

Just for me. 

It melts my heart. 

Because you know, it's mom's job to make us eat stuff that's good for you. Like spinach or yogurt or liver even if you would rather not.  

But then, boom, this sweet treat. And it ain't good for you. At ALL. 

I share most stuff with G. But not this. Don't judge me. Or roll your eyes. Just don't. 

It's ground cherry pie. I can't help it. 

I ate half of it and hid the rest in the fruit department of the frig.  He doesn't like fruit. He won't get in there. And I covered it up with one of those produce bags. 

Mom also give me pumpkin whoopie pies, apples and soap. I'll share that. I'm not completely selfish. 

What's happening?

So many people ask out of sincere caring  "what's happening" in our adoption journey. Sooo here goes me. 

The answer is always hard for me because the answer is "a lot of nothingness". I wonder if people feel like I'm brushing them off and don't want to talk about it. That's not true. I do want to share. There is just absolutely nothing changing. 

At times, I do struggle. Big time. Have many doubts. Like .... maybe God knows I would be a terrible mother so He stalls.  I know these are attempts of the devil.  

But we continue in faith that God knows what He is doing and that He has perfect timing. 

Yesterday I got home at 3pm and decided to sit down. I figured the cleaning could just wait. About hr later, I remembered that we had a social worker coming to visit the next day. Talk about fire under your bun remembering that she will do a room to room walk. And it was a new social worker. Let me fall on my own dagger. I rushed around scrubbing floors and catching bunnies and spider strings. 

I kept telling myself that there was still a 50/50 chance we would like her better. But we just had a change with our family coordinator. And now this. 

Was she better than our old one. Nah. Just the same.  She is a very sweet lady. It's just that it's so personal and you see the unfairness of the process. They are just protecting the children. 

But no one that births a child gets any check. Nothing. You just go birth. You are not demanded to read books or do online training on parenting. You can be a dirt poor. Or be a druggie. Or a millionaire. And you get to go just pop a baby. And then you are free to go. You don't get a visit for the next several yrs to see if you are doing a good job. Nope. 

We live super clean lives and stay out of trouble. 

We need to do training and reading huge manuals. We get child protection clearances, then state, then FBI.  It's just that we feel a little like cats that have our claws widen and extended. G even said as she walked out "I can put my claws back in" (I thought that was hilarious being he is totally unruffled at all times). It just feels like they are looking for something to disqualify you as being parent material. They quiz you about your marriage, your neighborhood, your extended family, how supportive your friends are, your church, hobbies, work, your house, your health, your bills, your pay stubs, your reading material, why China, your schools, your insurances, your vacations, your baby making abilities, and how we bond. 

Yup. Do you think she would like the answer that we lay on the couch snuggled playing candy crush for bonding?  Shhhhh...Lol. 

Then remember if you adopt though China you will be required to have post adoption visits at 1, 6,12 months, and 2,3,5years. Yeah. 

But we be. 

good. 

And in a day or two, I'll forget the unjustness of it. That is the blessings of a sucky memory. I'll forget until the next update. 

I always go back to... This is a calling from God. He will continue to lead. 

Please remind us of this. Sometimes we forget. And we need you!  

The people in your Court

So I don't even know how is happened but all a sudden I'm signed up for a volleyball game. I was still blinking in unbelief as i sat in my car with my flip flops in my hand as I pulled in against the court. 

My coworker asked if I wanted to... I hesitated. Another coworker said "I'll do it". Ok. Then.

I'm out. Then Miss I'll do it had plans and needed a replacement and I was told that I was playing. Really. 

I never said yes. 

Next I was told that I was playing every Monday for 8 weeks and then a play off.

Eyes blinking. 

Another coworker was telling me not to palm it but to finger it. What?!  I just smiled. Like I knew what she was talking about. No idea. 

I don't do competition. Period. I'm not good. 

I just do my best. I don't need people to make me feel inadequate. 

Next thing I know, I'm standing barefoot, as a sweet lady explains what the goal is. Sure I have played before as fun, but I feel like my eyes are wide and that I have no idea what a ball is. 

I have seen in my life how sin works.  That it sneaks up on you.  You are unsure and then suddenly you are against the wire. Being somewhere you don't want to be. You are pretty sure you should run, but you feel like your feet are in quick sand.  Your heart knows better but you just..., well just don't have the strength. No strength.  Chains wrapped around your arms. Heart is bleeding. 

This is where your team comes in. Those people that are in your court. We are a team. And now it's not a personal battle. It is our battle. Do I trust them? Or better yet, am I trustworthy? Do I have their back as they fall?  Do we have the strength to raise each other up?  

Even if we have failed. Even if I have fallen. 

May we again stand in courage and boldness.  May we never forget that God is a forgiver.  May we stand in faith that God is the team captain. 

My July 4th

I go all out. Seriously. 

My friends are doing all Pinteresty food and decorating. 

But I make real mashed pototoes. Finger licking good mashers. 

And I clean my toilet. 

These are special times, peeps. Dont forget it. 

We still have freedom. I still can pray, and worship God. 

And make mashers and clean. 

Praise God!  

Hope you made these days as special as I have. 

People that make people feel normal.

So I took the assistant manager position.  I want to give it back every day.  Customer service can drain a soul.

In the middle of all that, my favorite coworker moved to a different office.  I miss her every day. I always drag my feet at new employees.  And she was one of those too, I didn't like her for a least a month.  But then somehow she became my favorite.  Like for example, she taught me to run, always encouraged me, never told me that I was too slow.  I learned to love it and to use it as a stress reliever.  She made me feel ok about having stinky feet because she was beautiful and no one looked down on her smelly feet.  She was hilarious.  Hands down, the funniest person ever.  Maybe because we both had warped sense of humor.  She loved sugar, yup straight up, just like me.  In fact, she just made jam this week, just to eat it plain.  Be still my heart.  And the best part, she never looked down on me because I was "different".  Never acted embarrassed to be around a plain olde menno.  

Moral of the story
You just can't find a friend like that every day.  We were not the huggy type of friends, in fact I tried to threaten that she was going to get a hug on her last day, and she said "no you are not".  In fact, I never told her at all how much I like her.  Or how much it meant to me that she accepted me as I was.  I may never. But you, if you have a friend like this, You ShOULD. Tell them!

Because friends like this, they are one in a million.  Never forget to thank God for those people that just make your life better. 
    

The calm after the storm

Last week as I tried to paint, tears kept dripping on the canvas.  Eyes too cloudy to see the details. 

I told G that if I would paint what was in my soul, it would have probably been black with a blood dripping heart and lots of splatter. 

It was just too much for my heart.  Broken relationships, feeling full anger and my being to stubborn to forgive, my best coworker friend leaving my office, being offered the assistant manager again (I've already declined twice), the reminder that I'm a failure of a friend, and Mother's day just reminding me my daughter is not in my arms. 

My husband and I did a mud run this weekend and stayed in the city for the night.
You can "run" from the pain, but it will always catch up with you.  I forgot the pain for about a day.  Then 2 elephants climbed on.

Face your demons head on, don't run, don't turn your back.  God will give courage and strength.  Never veer from God's Word.  


Tonight, I felt the total opposite.  I felt what happens when you surrender. When you forgive others and forgive yourself for your own failures, give up your rights and fall into God.  No, it doesn't fix/ take away my problems, but it lighens the elephant on my shoulders.

Peace.  Perfect Peace.  God filled moments.  Please stop the time.  Stop the ticking seconds.  These are the moments.

Too proud to come in last?

I have been working towards the goal of doing a duathon.  Running longer distances.  Bike riding.  But all a sudden I AM scared.  Afraid that I'll be a loser.. That I can't attain.  My heart tells me to run for those that can't.  In faith I'm still moving forward.  I bought a helmet and borrowed a bike, but I just can't get myself to officially sign up.  

Nothing to eat in the house, but still a beautiful Day!!

Every Year is a Celebration

It is our Anniversary today but...

It was one of those mornings as you woke up that you looked down expectantly to see tire marks down across your body. Only a bull dozer could make you feel like this.  But in fact you were still laying in bed.

It was a Monday that means we see nothing of each other, I work till 8, he has class till 9 or 10.

It always was one of those mornings that you were running late for work and you got into you car and the fuel was on E.

It was one of those days that you tried two gas pumps and neither worked.

I tried to stay quiet at work applying your mother's old wise saying, "If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all"



13 years..  What a odd number.  Nothing great I thought.  Who celebrates 13?
...but yesterday I got a funny card and a gift
...but today mid morning, I got a flower delivery.  It was for G&me.  It was from Mom and Dad.  Beautiful daisies, lilies, and carnations. 
...but this afternoon 13 Gorgeous roses were delivered to my work
...but this evening little cupcakes were delivered personally to my back door.

Then I started thinking,
I have friends, family, coworkers that are happy to see love.  Thrilled to see roses.  Happy for us, so happy that they remember us.  For our 13 years
EVERY year TOGETHER is a celebration.  I see broken marriages around me, or if they are not broken, many of them don't "work" well.

So YES, I celebrate.  Love, humor, companionship, best friends for 13 years.

Thankfulness

Can we see the Blessings and be thankful?


I get tired of using the washing machine.
      Just look at the pictures of natives hand washing their clothes in the river and laying out on rocks to dry. 

I find myself looking into the packed closet and muttering that I have nothing to wear that matches.
     They would be happy just to have something that was warm or not thread bare.

I find myself whining about a dirty house and air vents that looks like a entire bunny tried to go through and got stuck.
      They just want a warm building and a blanket.

I'm tired, I would just like to stay home on Sunday and not go anywhere.
      They just want to worship and praise God without hiding and being afraid of persecution. 

I have two freezers full, and I have NO idea what to eat.
       They just want to not feel those constant nulling stomach pains.

I just want to be alone, just to be away from people.
       He/She just wants someone to LOVE them, someone to call them family, or friend.

I groan when I fill up with gas, I have travel too far to see my friends.
       They want the blisters to heal because they have no shoes and have to walk miles for water.

I have a hard time taking the time to read my Bible everyday.
       They just WANT a Bible!!

I dread on Sunday because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work
        They dream of having the opportunity of having a good paid occupation just to be able to feed and
         cloth their families.

 I forget to thank God for giving His Son up on the cross, so that I could be saved and forgiven.
         They don't even who is God is, because they no one told them. 


May we feel and find the blessings in every dust bunny and every piece of dirty laundry.  May we savor each bite of food, and feel the love of being surrounded with our people.  May we praise God that we are able to talk and worship about Him openly!  May we feel blessed to have a job and be able to pay for heat for a warm home.  May we never forget what God has forgiven us of and that we never forget to share it to others. 

Refreshing the soul

I know that my blog seems heavy. It does to me too. But I started this space originally for my own little heart.  You know, dumping the load off my shoulders. But I chose to believe that I'm not alone in my heart struggles. That someone else out there in blog space struggles too. That someone else out there   believes that God is really strong enough for all of us. 

Went from a small tiny house with all silence and no kiddos to a weekend full of no silence and 4-9 kiddos under six.  It was a weekend that I fully realized that I need God. I saw my faults higher than the mountains, deeper than the sea.  There was nothing wrong with these special tiny children of the King, only me, a rebellious sinner in need of the grace of God stamping my feet wondered why God in His sovereignty hasn't brought me my child. 

Only God can bring us to our knees, and He decided to met me yet again.  He probably feels like He needs a extra assistant to deal with my boat load. 

He showed me that I can't do it on my own, because at some time there is a breaking point if we are running on self power. 

He showed me my selfishness. 

My selfishness. 

My selfishness. 

Did I mention my selfishness?

My impatience. 

That I'm unloving. 

You don't have time for the list. You don't. Promise. And pretty much everything goes back to be selfish. 

My spirit crushed under the weight of conviction.  

It seems as if Satanic attacks are close behind. Whispering in your ears that you are worth nothing, you can never be good enough. You will be a failure of a mother. A failure of a wife.  A failure of a friend. You try and try, but you will always lose. Don't even try. You're exhausted and tired. Give up, it's not worth the fight!  

There is nothing more exhausting then a spiritual battle. 

I know the answers, I just have to tattoo them on my heart

I'm nothing without God, but with God I am new

I'm a child of the king, adopted to be a heir. 

I am precious. Precious enough, for Jesus to die for me. 

I am washed by the blood. 

It's amazing to me that small things can refresh the soul, and truly make you feel God.  Yes, He met me again today. He met me in............

A Popsicle brought to me in bed

The blowing freezing snow. 

Getting off four hrs early!!!!

Pizza date with my Love. 

Shoveling the driveway, the cold wind just making you feel alive. 

Sprinkles on snow ice cream. 

Ticking clock. 

Bubbles in hot water. 

The only way out is through everything she's running from

It seemed dark this weekend.. very dark.  Dark beyond my own understanding.  My soul aching for the children of China and for some strange reason, Uganda.

Monday is the "most depressing" day of the year. I believe it.  Back to work full time, and with all these new year resolutions to try to keep (btw, my diet lasted about four hrs).

This morning while walking on the treadmill and listening to music and this was the phrase that caught my attention..
"The only way OUT is through everything she's running from."  I can't run from this.  Maybe that is what I have been doing.  Hiding. 
Continuing to use my umbrella, pretending not to feel or see the rain.
Denial. 

I have to fight through it.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground, stand UP when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain you won't drown
And one day, what is lost can be found
You stand in the rain

My trip to China has changed my life
It has set me back.. physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It makes me doubt who I am, what is my existence for? Why them and not me?  Where is my daughter? Why am I am here in this town?  Why am I working this job?  Why did I meet a person that has a mission in a deaf school/orphanage?  Is this a sign?  Why can't I adopt from every country?  Why can't people (even so called Christians) see that racism is sin?  Are you there, God?

This spoke peace to my soul... By Aaron Coalson

"Waiting is expected in the Christian life

The Bible is full of stories of waiting. Abraham and Sarah waited for a child. Joseph waited unjustly in jail. The Hebrews waited for freedom in Egypt. David waited for the throne. The Israelites waited in exile. Paul waited for a thorn to be removed.

Was God not in control here? Is He in control now? God’s plan is perfected in the wait, and we, His people are reminded throughout the course of redemptive history 
A professor once said, “The whole of Christian life is becoming what God has already declared you to be.” The wait you and I experience is not abnormal to the Christian life, but is part of the very essence of the Christian experience.
Our wait is painful, but it will pale in comparison to the glory we will one day see in eternity. Remember this in suffering. When you think about it in light of 100,000 years, it’s like a blip on a radar."