We needed to update our I-800 for our "childs" visa... just in case we ever need it ;). We got the biometric app scheduled by the USCIS on Dec 24, day before christmas. We both wondered about that, but it say if you didn't show up, you voided your app and that we were NOT interested in. So to Baltimore (1 1/2 hr drive) we go. Only to have the door locked and a little piece of paper saying to report back after weds. We were so annoyed to have 3 hrs of travel time for nothing, but.. what you gonna do. Government has no competition and we have to do what they say.
I just keep thinking.. maybe God is just giving us little little tiny delays so we may be able to endure the big one. I know there are many parents that go over to their country to adopt, only to be told that they have to go home and come back again later. Or Russia.. closing the adoptions to the US. Heart breaking.
So on wed morning I spend time on the phone trying to get in touch with that office to see when we could go back in. and then I did that again, thurs morning, and fri morning. Fri morning I got ahold of a new person. She was a little friendly (major surprise) (dealing with these people are way worse that going to the local MVA) and told me that we could just go again and drop in. I asked for a phone number of the Baltimore office and she says that there are NO nada, zilch numbers in the office.
What a way to do business.
So we decided to take a ride and try again. I was praising the Lord when the doors opened. It was the fastest visit to the USCIS in history. We were finished in 10mins tops. What a Blessing!!
We just HAD to visit Cheesecake Factory for our treat. Although we have not eaten the cheesecake yet.. Today for breakfast :)
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas
The little baby born..Jesus. Died. But Lives again! Praise the Lord for making a way for us to be saved and have eternal life!
AND...
we are blessed with a white Christmas. I just couldn't help myself, I just had to go for a run. I haven't run since Thanksgiving and wasn't sure if I still could :). It was so beauiful, I couldn't stop smiling at the beautiful of everything having snow piled up on it! And I had to keep stopping and take pics with my phone!
May the Lord bless you and make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you!
Merry Christmas!!
AND...
we are blessed with a white Christmas. I just couldn't help myself, I just had to go for a run. I haven't run since Thanksgiving and wasn't sure if I still could :). It was so beauiful, I couldn't stop smiling at the beautiful of everything having snow piled up on it! And I had to keep stopping and take pics with my phone!
May the Lord bless you and make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you!
Merry Christmas!!
Friday, December 21, 2012
One in a Million ( or Millions)
Christmas overwhelms me.. I try so hard to remember WHY we are celebrating and somethings its hard in the middle of run, run, run. So many parties, places to be, things to do, food to make, friends to visit, and family to keep in touch. And in the middle of all that sometimes someone get left out. My dear husband. Today is our first evening FREE since the 1st of dec. And we are so tired. Ridiculous. We are not getting, we are. Old.
And "your truly" aka me.. decided one day in Dec that today would be a great day to rip out the carpet in the basement, to which one's better half agreed. One thing turned into a another and we ended up sanding, caulking, priming, painting and painting and painting, and sealing from ceiling to floor and stairs. Many layers.
And now I wonder what is a wrong with me... why did I pick Dec to do this? But up side, I can now blame anything that does not going according to plan to that I'm not in my right mind with all the paint fumes.
Finally I come to my subject title...
G was replacing the bulb in the front porch light and dropped a screw and its bolt. It was the same exact shade of brown as the dirt flower bed that it landed in.
He was looking and looking for it and I decided to go out and help look for it. It was getting dark. While we were both down on the ground with our rears in the air (had to think about what the neighbors would be thinking if they saw us), I decided to whisper a prayer so that we could find it. I thought afterwards... silly me, God has bigger things to do, but still in my mind I thought God does cares about little things that are in our lives. Then G found it, just like that.
If God cares about us finding a tiny tiny bolt and screw that has a 20 cent value.. and helps us find it then I am sure that God can search through millions of little girls and find us ours ...priceless ...princess.
We continue to wait and pray
And "your truly" aka me.. decided one day in Dec that today would be a great day to rip out the carpet in the basement, to which one's better half agreed. One thing turned into a another and we ended up sanding, caulking, priming, painting and painting and painting, and sealing from ceiling to floor and stairs. Many layers.
And now I wonder what is a wrong with me... why did I pick Dec to do this? But up side, I can now blame anything that does not going according to plan to that I'm not in my right mind with all the paint fumes.
Finally I come to my subject title...
G was replacing the bulb in the front porch light and dropped a screw and its bolt. It was the same exact shade of brown as the dirt flower bed that it landed in.
He was looking and looking for it and I decided to go out and help look for it. It was getting dark. While we were both down on the ground with our rears in the air (had to think about what the neighbors would be thinking if they saw us), I decided to whisper a prayer so that we could find it. I thought afterwards... silly me, God has bigger things to do, but still in my mind I thought God does cares about little things that are in our lives. Then G found it, just like that.
If God cares about us finding a tiny tiny bolt and screw that has a 20 cent value.. and helps us find it then I am sure that God can search through millions of little girls and find us ours ...priceless ...princess.
We continue to wait and pray
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Follow up post of "Who Says"
Who says that you are not beautiful? Who says that you don't pass the test or can't be the best? or who says that your not perfect?
It's NOT God talking..
At times, I struggle with thinking am I good enough? or that I look ridiculous?
I have so many defects, faults. Even my character is shady at times, for
I'm quick to judge.
quick to criticize myself, and others. I have big legs, someone else has ears that are too big.
All of us feel this way (esp us women).. sometime or other
I am positive. (yes it may seem like others don't, but I believe it is a cover up. They do feel this way at times, they JUST will NOT admit it)
We want to feel loved, to be told we are beautiful, but so often we
FAIL to tell others how we love them and that they are gorgeous.
The fact:
We are nothing without God. We can't be good enough, we can't pass the test, can't be beautiful.
The best fact ever. Amen:
We are everything with God. We are Beautiful, We pass the test! We are created in His image, God doesn't make mistakes. We are everything. Repeat after me...
"I am Beautiful"
It's NOT God talking..
At times, I struggle with thinking am I good enough? or that I look ridiculous?
I have so many defects, faults. Even my character is shady at times, for
I'm quick to judge.
quick to criticize myself, and others. I have big legs, someone else has ears that are too big.
All of us feel this way (esp us women).. sometime or other
I am positive. (yes it may seem like others don't, but I believe it is a cover up. They do feel this way at times, they JUST will NOT admit it)
We want to feel loved, to be told we are beautiful, but so often we
FAIL to tell others how we love them and that they are gorgeous.
The fact:
We are nothing without God. We can't be good enough, we can't pass the test, can't be beautiful.
The best fact ever. Amen:
We are everything with God. We are Beautiful, We pass the test! We are created in His image, God doesn't make mistakes. We are everything. Repeat after me...
"I am Beautiful"
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
No good at changes
It seems like we as a couple have made so many changes/ decisions in the last months....some tough, some easy. But with all.. comes the questions of what if? What if it was the wrong decision, what if we said no and should have said yes.. or vs? Life has a way of making you doubt. Sometimes you WILL doubt. But there also comes a time, where you have to just accept. Accept that God has given you the right decision! even if later you doubt.
We were given a file of a beautiful little girl to review last week. After pleading with God for answers..
we said no. The hardest decision in my life. Hardest. Ever.
My heart wonders, questions pour all around me. But so at peace.... shhh, God calms, "I have lead you this far, I will continue to lead.. Listen to me, Child."
Lead me with strong hands, Stand up when I can't!
Protect these children, Lord, be their Dad! Allow them to feel your love!
We were given a file of a beautiful little girl to review last week. After pleading with God for answers..
we said no. The hardest decision in my life. Hardest. Ever.
My heart wonders, questions pour all around me. But so at peace.... shhh, God calms, "I have lead you this far, I will continue to lead.. Listen to me, Child."
Lead me with strong hands, Stand up when I can't!
Protect these children, Lord, be their Dad! Allow them to feel your love!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Forgiveness.
'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes and we all step across that line,
we all stumble and we fall, bridges burn in the heat of it all,
but nothing's sweeter than the day we find forgiveness.
No matter how lost you are,
No matter how hurt you are,
No matter how wrong you are,
No matter who you are, you're not that far, you're not too far, not too far from forgiveness
Ask
We all need forgiveness...
PS, Forgiveness equals peace. This may mean you have to forgive without reason. Some of the hardest times to forgive is the times that it seems like the person that hurt you is not sorry and/or doesn't seem to even "know" that they did anything. But choose to forgive them for yourself, for your own sweet peace. Focus on the "good" that you can find in them, and then you can start to ignore the bad.
we all stumble and we fall, bridges burn in the heat of it all,
but nothing's sweeter than the day we find forgiveness.
No matter how lost you are,
No matter how hurt you are,
No matter how wrong you are,
No matter who you are, you're not that far, you're not too far, not too far from forgiveness
Ask
We all need forgiveness...
PS, Forgiveness equals peace. This may mean you have to forgive without reason. Some of the hardest times to forgive is the times that it seems like the person that hurt you is not sorry and/or doesn't seem to even "know" that they did anything. But choose to forgive them for yourself, for your own sweet peace. Focus on the "good" that you can find in them, and then you can start to ignore the bad.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Where are the colors?
You may think all the posts of mine are about struggles..
Yup, mostly, because I write when my heart is ripped open, when it hurts to breathe.. cause it helps me heal.
I just can't stop thinking about others that have had to give up dreams.... given up children. Miscarriages. Cancer. Accidents. Bible stories..Moses's mom, God allowing His Son be beated~killed, Abraham willing to sacrifice, Hannah.
Received the call yesterday. At work. G's skin cancer may cause potential issues in our adoption process. They even used the phrase "may be declined". So here we go.
People say there are two kinds of people. You are either a fighter or lover. Both of those require a fiery spirit. But I wonder... Today I'm neither. I want to be a quitter. I would lay on the couch and not be able to feel what my hands are holding, be numb, hardly able to wiggle my toes. And be content. Put on my eye mask, turn on the music. Pretend that I'm not me.
God has a bigger picture,
I can not see.
I can't see the colors.
Could it be that I am just called to have a passion for China? Maybe to affect someone else to feel the pull. Maybe like Moses' mom, I have to give her up for the sake of God's bigger plan? Maybe she is for someone else's family? Maybe I need the lesson to give up my dreams, hopes, life. Just so I can learn to lean ALL on HIM. Trust.
Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again.
I know it's hard to remember sometimes, but you gotta keep your head up.
Yup, mostly, because I write when my heart is ripped open, when it hurts to breathe.. cause it helps me heal.
I just can't stop thinking about others that have had to give up dreams.... given up children. Miscarriages. Cancer. Accidents. Bible stories..Moses's mom, God allowing His Son be beated~killed, Abraham willing to sacrifice, Hannah.
Received the call yesterday. At work. G's skin cancer may cause potential issues in our adoption process. They even used the phrase "may be declined". So here we go.
People say there are two kinds of people. You are either a fighter or lover. Both of those require a fiery spirit. But I wonder... Today I'm neither. I want to be a quitter. I would lay on the couch and not be able to feel what my hands are holding, be numb, hardly able to wiggle my toes. And be content. Put on my eye mask, turn on the music. Pretend that I'm not me.
God has a bigger picture,
I can not see.
I can't see the colors.
Could it be that I am just called to have a passion for China? Maybe to affect someone else to feel the pull. Maybe like Moses' mom, I have to give her up for the sake of God's bigger plan? Maybe she is for someone else's family? Maybe I need the lesson to give up my dreams, hopes, life. Just so I can learn to lean ALL on HIM. Trust.
Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again.
I know it's hard to remember sometimes, but you gotta keep your head up.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Fear
Fears.. do you have any?
G took me to see "The odd life of Timothy Green". It has adoption weaved into it and I just knew I needed to see it :).
The scene that just ripped my heart...
(the docs told them that they had tried "everything" and there was nothing more that they could do to try to have a child. They went home, knowing all hope crushed. But they just couldn't get up their dreams yet that night. After writing down all the characteristics they hoped their child would have on little pieces of paper (like funny, never give up, musical, would score one winning goal),
they put them all in a box and buried them.
In the dirt. In the garden.
My tears wouldn't stop..my heart ached.
This is my fear.. that my long long dream of adopting my china girl would be crushed. What if? What if it never happens? What if God never picks us? What if God thinks we won't be good enough parents?
NO, LORD! Please no! Don't make me bury my dreams!
But G's little words whisper in my ears, that even through pain and unplanned plans, that yes, God can bring good, possibly better plans.
Give it up, P.. God is whispering, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
So let the waters rise if You want them to, I will follow You
G took me to see "The odd life of Timothy Green". It has adoption weaved into it and I just knew I needed to see it :).
The scene that just ripped my heart...
(the docs told them that they had tried "everything" and there was nothing more that they could do to try to have a child. They went home, knowing all hope crushed. But they just couldn't get up their dreams yet that night. After writing down all the characteristics they hoped their child would have on little pieces of paper (like funny, never give up, musical, would score one winning goal),
they put them all in a box and buried them.
In the dirt. In the garden.
My tears wouldn't stop..my heart ached.
This is my fear.. that my long long dream of adopting my china girl would be crushed. What if? What if it never happens? What if God never picks us? What if God thinks we won't be good enough parents?
NO, LORD! Please no! Don't make me bury my dreams!
But G's little words whisper in my ears, that even through pain and unplanned plans, that yes, God can bring good, possibly better plans.
Give it up, P.. God is whispering, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
So let the waters rise if You want them to, I will follow You
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Why China??
So many people ask... Why China?
It's a long story, but for a short answer..God!
I have had the dream of having a adopted China girl since a teenager. And I didn't even know anyone with adopted children at that time. We looked at all the programs that AWAA had to offer because I wanted to make sure that God was leading this desire .But even with the long wait, we still felt the call to China.
We have no idea how long the wait will be. But I am longing. I want God to hurry up. But I do know that this is God's plan, so He will also know the perfect time. And we don't want to rush His plan and our girl until God says.
Today we went to hear "The Angel Tour" (orphaned children singing and dancing). We could feel our hearts pulling and tearing for the pain these children have suffered. Why them? Why not me? The questions are endless.
One thing that I'm am SURE of is... there are NO orphans of God. If we ask, "all" of us can because God's children. And He will never let us down.
It's a long story, but for a short answer..God!
I have had the dream of having a adopted China girl since a teenager. And I didn't even know anyone with adopted children at that time. We looked at all the programs that AWAA had to offer because I wanted to make sure that God was leading this desire .But even with the long wait, we still felt the call to China.
We have no idea how long the wait will be. But I am longing. I want God to hurry up. But I do know that this is God's plan, so He will also know the perfect time. And we don't want to rush His plan and our girl until God says.
Today we went to hear "The Angel Tour" (orphaned children singing and dancing). We could feel our hearts pulling and tearing for the pain these children have suffered. Why them? Why not me? The questions are endless.
One thing that I'm am SURE of is... there are NO orphans of God. If we ask, "all" of us can because God's children. And He will never let us down.
Friday, July 13, 2012
How God sees what we need
My little inspiration flip calendar is just what I needed the last few days..
" One day I prayed, "Lord, I feel like I'm in a deep, dark cave right now." Of course I didn't hear an audible response, but I did sense Him impressing on my heart, You may be in a cave, but you have a choice: you can sit in the dark, or you can diamond-mine your difficulties.
We can decide right now that we're not leaving the caves in our lives empty handed. We can mine them and take every blessing we discover with us. There may still be many days when all we do is sit on the floor of the cave and grieve, but we can also walk away with treasures from that time in our lives we would never have found otherwise. "
" One day I prayed, "Lord, I feel like I'm in a deep, dark cave right now." Of course I didn't hear an audible response, but I did sense Him impressing on my heart, You may be in a cave, but you have a choice: you can sit in the dark, or you can diamond-mine your difficulties.
We can decide right now that we're not leaving the caves in our lives empty handed. We can mine them and take every blessing we discover with us. There may still be many days when all we do is sit on the floor of the cave and grieve, but we can also walk away with treasures from that time in our lives we would never have found otherwise. "
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Changes...
I feel alone.. and I wonder is God big enough in my life that He is all I need. I know He is BIG enough, but I need to allow Him to fill my voids. If I was in a prison cell with nothing, no G, no family or friends, no work, books or other "mind fillers"...
Dear Lord, please fill my mind, shatter my nightmares, crush the devil... Make me strong!
Dear Lord, please fill my mind, shatter my nightmares, crush the devil... Make me strong!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Real Love..Adoption
So I have read a post from an adoptive parent telling this story. That after she adopted, her friend wanted her to promise that she would try to have a child naturally ...so that she could be able to know what true love is.
"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies" Romans 8:23 (NIV).
If 'we' feel like we can't truly love because the child wasn't born from us.. then don't expect to be a 'part' of God's family. We are naturally dirty, sinful, lonely, lost people. Only God can clean and save us.. to become a child of the heavenly Father and live in His mansions.
"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies" Romans 8:23 (NIV).
If 'we' feel like we can't truly love because the child wasn't born from us.. then don't expect to be a 'part' of God's family. We are naturally dirty, sinful, lonely, lost people. Only God can clean and save us.. to become a child of the heavenly Father and live in His mansions.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I want to be in China! now! some days it's not a demanding thought, but today.. it is.
I guess I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.. my study is ending, my mind is focusing on my heart's thoughts.
This weekend is FINALLY here... waited/ looked forward to/ dreaded about for months. ABO test final on Sunday, but a few weeks ago decided to add to the stress of this weekend. Why not, I decided, to add my first 5k race to it.
WHAT was I thinking??? But I am not running for me... I'm running for "her" (those precious girls caught in human trafficking) . Such a amazing cause, I couldn't turn it down. No, I am not ready to "race" nor win, but I will finish!
I have studied for 4 months for this test and still wonder if I'm prepared. I didn't really even want to do it, but my A. Manager signed me up and sure enough, I was picked. I moaned.. and moaned. But it was "kinda" fun studying with a coworker. Now it here.. and I wonder..
God truly has a better plan than I. He fully distracted me from longing...from my heart aching for 5 months. When they called and left a voice mail to tell me that I was chosen.. I remember looking up, and asking, God, what are you thinking... I can't!! I'm too busy to study, can't You see, Lord. This is not my plans!
God, you have the best plans! I can't wait to see what is next :)
I guess I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.. my study is ending, my mind is focusing on my heart's thoughts.
This weekend is FINALLY here... waited/ looked forward to/ dreaded about for months. ABO test final on Sunday, but a few weeks ago decided to add to the stress of this weekend. Why not, I decided, to add my first 5k race to it.
WHAT was I thinking??? But I am not running for me... I'm running for "her" (those precious girls caught in human trafficking) . Such a amazing cause, I couldn't turn it down. No, I am not ready to "race" nor win, but I will finish!
I have studied for 4 months for this test and still wonder if I'm prepared. I didn't really even want to do it, but my A. Manager signed me up and sure enough, I was picked. I moaned.. and moaned. But it was "kinda" fun studying with a coworker. Now it here.. and I wonder..
God truly has a better plan than I. He fully distracted me from longing...from my heart aching for 5 months. When they called and left a voice mail to tell me that I was chosen.. I remember looking up, and asking, God, what are you thinking... I can't!! I'm too busy to study, can't You see, Lord. This is not my plans!
God, you have the best plans! I can't wait to see what is next :)
Monday, May 7, 2012
I will!
This weekend, my toes and flippy flop attacked a metal garden rake. equals a hole in the ball of my left foot. I cried big loud tears..and I thought this is ridiculous. I will.... go out and do more mulching. It hurt, but not that bad, I was just angry, I thought that I would have to stop running for a while. I can't believe that I'm saying that. I hate/love running. It's painful, but you get a rush. For moments, I feel like I'm on the top of the world, good employee, wonderful wife, confident, trimmed to muscle only. And then I look down.. ah, jiggles, welcome to earth :), I was just hallucinating.
I'm just me, that's what I need to remember. I can only be me.
What to do about my exercise class? I decided to get up and go this morning. Up by 5 to get there by 6. I'm to start out with 11/2 mile run. I will...try.
I made it :)
I'm just me, that's what I need to remember. I can only be me.
What to do about my exercise class? I decided to get up and go this morning. Up by 5 to get there by 6. I'm to start out with 11/2 mile run. I will...try.
I made it :)
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
ah.....
I wonder is my brain is dead. I have nothing to share. on here. or fb. blah, I say. Is this normal? Do other people deal with this?
But then tonight at church a young girl told me when she overheard me talking about adoption.. she said, "oh, yeah, then you can be the family that nobody wanted." ah, WHAT?! wow, ok, so she is just a kid, but her mom just laughed. In prayer the ladies were mentioning all the pg ladies or ladies that just popped and how waiting is soooo tough. ok, so all suddenly my dead brain is angry. yes, I know. I need love. It's just soo annoying...so let me say this... This family is NOT a unwanted family. It has been dreamed of, prayed for, cried over, lost sleep over, feel like my heart being crushed often. for years! and if you think waiting for 10 months for a child is hard.. give me a break.
But then tonight at church a young girl told me when she overheard me talking about adoption.. she said, "oh, yeah, then you can be the family that nobody wanted." ah, WHAT?! wow, ok, so she is just a kid, but her mom just laughed. In prayer the ladies were mentioning all the pg ladies or ladies that just popped and how waiting is soooo tough. ok, so all suddenly my dead brain is angry. yes, I know. I need love. It's just soo annoying...so let me say this... This family is NOT a unwanted family. It has been dreamed of, prayed for, cried over, lost sleep over, feel like my heart being crushed often. for years! and if you think waiting for 10 months for a child is hard.. give me a break.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Keep dreaming
Sometimes the dream of adoption is overwhelming. Will God ever bring me our child? as I page through lists of children that dream of having someone to love them, my heart is so heavy. Sometimes it feels like that I'm doing heavy weight lifting and my spotter left me and all the weigh has crushed against my heart. And no one has noticed. As I struggle to breathe.
Some dreams stay with you forever drag you round but bring you back to where you were. Some dreams keep on getting better but you gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure.
I chose to.....
keep on dreaming even if it breaks my heart
Some dreams stay with you forever drag you round but bring you back to where you were. Some dreams keep on getting better but you gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure.
I chose to.....
keep on dreaming even if it breaks my heart
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thousands... Millions...Children needing homes
On saturday, I spent hrs looking and wading through waiting children list from China. And your heart gets heavier and heavier. Can't sleep without these children marching through my dreams and becoming personal in my mental life. I want to be in China now.. but yet I wait. I feel like someone is standing on me and I can't get my breath. I pray for them all and especially for my girl. How do I know which one is mine, Lord? Please guide my heart and speak to me!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Looking down into my bowl of strawberries and i just feel happy! red, juicy, sugary, they just ooze yumminess. I wonder why, I mean I love strawberries, but come on, why do they bring happiness? Why do i not get this feeling when looking down at a bowl full of spinach? Spinach is beautiful too. green leafyness. but it surely doesn't cause me any happiness? nope, no tingles, not a one. yuck (i say).
But then, fried mushrooms make me happy too, but they are ULGY. so with a capital U. And liver is ulgy too and it is ulgy on the inside, outside, on a train, or on a plane, everywhere..nasty!
I tend to "judge" people from the outside. Wrong! I need to allow God to soften my heart. I need to feel the real need of people. To see inside. To care.
So often I see a "ugly" mean person and want to write them off. Then come to find out that they HURT inside.. bad. They are trying to cover up the pain of having their heart's softness and beautifulness destroyed by hurt. If they wear there heart "tough" enough, then no one could pierce through and damage it again. But what they really need ....is to know that someone cares!
If you peel off all the scarring.. u have beautifulness.. again
But then, fried mushrooms make me happy too, but they are ULGY. so with a capital U. And liver is ulgy too and it is ulgy on the inside, outside, on a train, or on a plane, everywhere..nasty!
I tend to "judge" people from the outside. Wrong! I need to allow God to soften my heart. I need to feel the real need of people. To see inside. To care.
So often I see a "ugly" mean person and want to write them off. Then come to find out that they HURT inside.. bad. They are trying to cover up the pain of having their heart's softness and beautifulness destroyed by hurt. If they wear there heart "tough" enough, then no one could pierce through and damage it again. But what they really need ....is to know that someone cares!
If you peel off all the scarring.. u have beautifulness.. again
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
on and on
I prayed that God would slow my life down last week. Then husband got sick. the entire weekend plans vanished. Did God really do that for ME?? Because that's a sick joke on the husband. I don't really think so, but I think that God had a plan in it for me. Slow down, slow, breathe, trust God, He sees the big picture.
but now, i think, was it preparation for this week? planning two parties on one weekend, with a study class for ABO and throw in our anniversary. wow, talk about romance. hehe.
Still in the middle of boot camp, this week and next, and then done...but the girls are already trying to talk me into the next one. Lost a total of ONE whole stinking pound. wowie. go me. but still
I'm.
thinking.
Can't believe that i'm really considering it. crazy. I want G to go with me, but i have to talk a little longer :)
So tonight i came home fired up.. about everything, work, lunch, emails, texts, phone calls, patients, family,... yup everything. talked G's ear off forever and loud. for probably 1/2 hr or more.
I finally ask him how his day was.. and he said "it sucked".
Oh,
my word,
seriously, that's all he said and it summed up my day completely. I could have totally used that word and would have been finished.
man vs. woman i shake my head.
Today for lunch, i ran to subway and stood in line for 20 mins (i only get a 1/2 hr on tuesdays) and rushed back to sit in my car with the windows down and try eat in a hurry. A man pulls up beside me in his rumble truck and rolls his windows down.
I look over. and he is looking back. and immediately he starts up a conversation.
A big hairy weathered man in a scary looking dumpy truck.
A man that is reduced to teary eyes in minutes.
A man that just needed to believe that someone cared.
And God chose me.
Why?? I silently scream to God. I just want to eat my amazing sub.
God allowed me to tell this man that He loves him enough that He has his hair counted and yes He loves cats too (another long part of the story :)
That it doesn't matter what we have done, it's never too bad for Christ.
That He (Christ) can wash it all away.
I'm blessed to be allow to Praise God
We all need hope! it makes life worth living!
but now, i think, was it preparation for this week? planning two parties on one weekend, with a study class for ABO and throw in our anniversary. wow, talk about romance. hehe.
Still in the middle of boot camp, this week and next, and then done...but the girls are already trying to talk me into the next one. Lost a total of ONE whole stinking pound. wowie. go me. but still
I'm.
thinking.
Can't believe that i'm really considering it. crazy. I want G to go with me, but i have to talk a little longer :)
So tonight i came home fired up.. about everything, work, lunch, emails, texts, phone calls, patients, family,... yup everything. talked G's ear off forever and loud. for probably 1/2 hr or more.
I finally ask him how his day was.. and he said "it sucked".
Oh,
my word,
seriously, that's all he said and it summed up my day completely. I could have totally used that word and would have been finished.
man vs. woman i shake my head.
Today for lunch, i ran to subway and stood in line for 20 mins (i only get a 1/2 hr on tuesdays) and rushed back to sit in my car with the windows down and try eat in a hurry. A man pulls up beside me in his rumble truck and rolls his windows down.
I look over. and he is looking back. and immediately he starts up a conversation.
A big hairy weathered man in a scary looking dumpy truck.
A man that is reduced to teary eyes in minutes.
A man that just needed to believe that someone cared.
And God chose me.
Why?? I silently scream to God. I just want to eat my amazing sub.
God allowed me to tell this man that He loves him enough that He has his hair counted and yes He loves cats too (another long part of the story :)
That it doesn't matter what we have done, it's never too bad for Christ.
That He (Christ) can wash it all away.
I'm blessed to be allow to Praise God
We all need hope! it makes life worth living!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Laughter = Tears
Most of my days are filling with laughter. because I choose. Other days are not, hearts crushed under the weight.
As I watch the rain pouring against my windshield, I am reminded of broken hearts. All kinds. Every one has different struggles and pain.
Today my heart feels broken.
Today I feel all alone.
I know God is above all and in charge of all for other people's pain. He is a loving God. But the difficult part is believing He cares about me. little old me. That I am important enough that He knows my pain and tears.
Continuing to drive, I watch the rain, then I notice that the rain is streaming up the windshield, not down. My mind is drawn to the verse that God is collecting my tears. Your tears. Our tears. They are going up. To be stored
I imagine rows and rows of jars filled.. with the id# of pkm1981.
Maybe beside it is written 1,589,456 hairs, then with a strike through it, then added 1,589,440 with 6 new grey ones.
He Cares. I need Faith I need to Trust
As I watch the rain pouring against my windshield, I am reminded of broken hearts. All kinds. Every one has different struggles and pain.
Today my heart feels broken.
Today I feel all alone.
I know God is above all and in charge of all for other people's pain. He is a loving God. But the difficult part is believing He cares about me. little old me. That I am important enough that He knows my pain and tears.
Continuing to drive, I watch the rain, then I notice that the rain is streaming up the windshield, not down. My mind is drawn to the verse that God is collecting my tears. Your tears. Our tears. They are going up. To be stored
I imagine rows and rows of jars filled.. with the id# of pkm1981.
Maybe beside it is written 1,589,456 hairs, then with a strike through it, then added 1,589,440 with 6 new grey ones.
He Cares. I need Faith I need to Trust
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
my thoughts on the previous post... Never Alone song
This is for one of my besties... for J!
I know it's been a hard day.. some days are so hard.. that it's impossible to trust, to believe, to have faith.
I will never forget when I heard this song for the first time.. what a dumb song. I just didn't get it. at. all.
Until one month of my life...where I felt like God was asking for me to give up my dreams. to give up my hopes, my love. He wanted surrender. I didn't want to let go. The battle continued.
I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs.
That I couldn't pray.
No one cared.
Husband didn't understand.
I was being pushed under water.
And held there.
Where are you, God??
Where?
No answer...
I couldn't dream why God would ask me to give up "good ideas" of mine
But others were praying, lifting me up..
And one day is the middle of darkness, I heard this song.. tears.. everywhere. Here God is my heart. I will trust in the unknown. Trust that You, Lord, have a better plan than I do.
"I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone"
I know it's been a hard day.. some days are so hard.. that it's impossible to trust, to believe, to have faith.
I will never forget when I heard this song for the first time.. what a dumb song. I just didn't get it. at. all.
Until one month of my life...where I felt like God was asking for me to give up my dreams. to give up my hopes, my love. He wanted surrender. I didn't want to let go. The battle continued.
I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs.
That I couldn't pray.
No one cared.
Husband didn't understand.
I was being pushed under water.
And held there.
Where are you, God??
Where?
No answer...
I couldn't dream why God would ask me to give up "good ideas" of mine
But others were praying, lifting me up..
And one day is the middle of darkness, I heard this song.. tears.. everywhere. Here God is my heart. I will trust in the unknown. Trust that You, Lord, have a better plan than I do.
"I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone"
Monday, February 20, 2012
Dreaming of Heaven
Yesterday.. Sunday.. I thought of heaven and God alot more than normal. We were blessed to be invited to Dance Thon for the Kids at Penn State. We were included as family for the day of a sweet amazing little boy that fought cancer with all of his precious heart but God allowed him to go home... to glittery, sparkly, breathtaking Heaven! Our hearts feel suffocated in longing to see him.... so we dream of heaven.....
To describe Thon... is that you can't describe. I have been to plenty of stadiums and packed HUGE buildings for concerts and whatnot. But that was nothing like this. nothing. To see the stadium and the pit packed with college kids and all their families and friends in support of and to hold up the cancer patients and their families.. it. is. mind. shattering. And when I say packed, I mean like you can't move. packed.
And the Energy! of what happens when lives come together for a common cause!
United! we couldn't do this on our own, neither could the dancers. The dancers start at 6:00 friday night and do not sit down until 4:00 sunday afternoon. Life takes others... to hold each other, to encourage, to cry with, to laugh with, to face the good and the bad.
Hug a little tighter, Love God more diligently, and definitely Laugh harder! Treasure these memories.
My kitchen looks like a bomb exploded in it, laundry piled up, studying to do and I can't stand it. But does it matter??? seriously?? Why do I focus on all "these" things??
Pray with me that I can become focused on loving people and God!
To describe Thon... is that you can't describe. I have been to plenty of stadiums and packed HUGE buildings for concerts and whatnot. But that was nothing like this. nothing. To see the stadium and the pit packed with college kids and all their families and friends in support of and to hold up the cancer patients and their families.. it. is. mind. shattering. And when I say packed, I mean like you can't move. packed.
And the Energy! of what happens when lives come together for a common cause!
United! we couldn't do this on our own, neither could the dancers. The dancers start at 6:00 friday night and do not sit down until 4:00 sunday afternoon. Life takes others... to hold each other, to encourage, to cry with, to laugh with, to face the good and the bad.
Hug a little tighter, Love God more diligently, and definitely Laugh harder! Treasure these memories.
My kitchen looks like a bomb exploded in it, laundry piled up, studying to do and I can't stand it. But does it matter??? seriously?? Why do I focus on all "these" things??
Pray with me that I can become focused on loving people and God!
Friday, February 17, 2012
will i finish what i started?
2 weeks down, and 4 more to go for boot camp. it's definitely a love/ hate relationship. It's not bad after you get there and then 30 mins into it, it's so hate. and then 30 mins later..ah, that's good. :) i may have a touch of bipolar.
having a valentine party tonight and no food made yet. I'm sure this is a problem, but on the good side, the table is set. We could just order in pizza or something if all else fails.
having a valentine party tonight and no food made yet. I'm sure this is a problem, but on the good side, the table is set. We could just order in pizza or something if all else fails.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
monday first day
First day of boot camp yesterday.. I'm still living :) and it could have been worse. And i'm sure it will GET worse. Trainer's shirt read "STOP WHINING". lol. ssso i'm sure it will get worse! L came over and walked/ran with me this morning. fun :) kinda in hopes it will help me from getting stiff.
Friday, February 3, 2012
I'm still kicking
I was sooo worried about going to the gym this morning to get tested for boot camp. oh, and Sonia was so great. May me feel ok. like I wasn't the wippyest kid ever. So monday is the first day. starting at 6am. oh, yeah
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
am i enough?
If anyone asked me if i was enough, i would answer with a resounding no. but today, i decided that i would answer yes. maybe to the world, i will not be anyone, or do anything important, or be strong enough and smart enough. but Jesus gives me everything i need to be me. and with Him. that. is. enough.
studying apostle Paul's life. I want to be him. I want to be passionate. and be driven. i give up so fast. i may want something really bad, but then i get tired. and give up.
this week, i have been trying to run. my legs hurt, i can't get my breath. and i can talk myself into a halt. just like that. it's a mental game, i play.
But Paul...he had a passion and that was it. someone or anything was going to talk him out of it. even threatening his life didn't work.
I want to be like him. so in love with HIM, that he would lay down his life for HIM.
studying apostle Paul's life. I want to be him. I want to be passionate. and be driven. i give up so fast. i may want something really bad, but then i get tired. and give up.
this week, i have been trying to run. my legs hurt, i can't get my breath. and i can talk myself into a halt. just like that. it's a mental game, i play.
But Paul...he had a passion and that was it. someone or anything was going to talk him out of it. even threatening his life didn't work.
I want to be like him. so in love with HIM, that he would lay down his life for HIM.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
i'm tired
i signed up for boot camp.. yup, you heard right, boot camp. someone please come knock me out now instead of later. i can't even run for 10 mins... ahh. i'm dumb. my coworkers so talked me into it.
This week i have to teach ladies sunday school. i have such a time studying. and it seems it Satan trys harder to make me annoyed and irritated by everything. and then it REALLY hard to study. Pray that God will push him away!
Met my friend V that has China girls :) and we are thinking about "maybe" a China trip next yr for 2 weeks??. ah, I continue to dream.
Wanted to get my ironing done last week, but nope. Trying to get it done this week, but so far nope. (you see, I let it pile up, like real high. bad story, i tell you) Trying to be good this week and have devotions, exercise, study for sc, and for my abo test, and eating right, and iron. so done already :)
what is bringing you down?
This week i have to teach ladies sunday school. i have such a time studying. and it seems it Satan trys harder to make me annoyed and irritated by everything. and then it REALLY hard to study. Pray that God will push him away!
Met my friend V that has China girls :) and we are thinking about "maybe" a China trip next yr for 2 weeks??. ah, I continue to dream.
Wanted to get my ironing done last week, but nope. Trying to get it done this week, but so far nope. (you see, I let it pile up, like real high. bad story, i tell you) Trying to be good this week and have devotions, exercise, study for sc, and for my abo test, and eating right, and iron. so done already :)
what is bringing you down?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
googling China tickets :)
just dreaming and dreaming of spending 7 - 14 days in a orphanage working with the precious little ones. just checked into prices, G moans, but i just tell him i'm doing research ;). tickets at the cheapest are 1,500 to 2,500.. ahh, but i want to go! My heart is pulling. i pray that God will lead because then i wonder... is it fair to go and do what my heart desires and use "our" money and let "honey" at home to keep working. that's not fair. He says yes too so much, probably too much. He just wants me to be happy, but I want to do what is right. ..pray..guide..open doors..
Monday, January 16, 2012
Called to China
Here is a blog of Brant Hansen from Air1....
Shouldn't we take care of Americans... First?
(Picture was taken at a church in Rwanda, where Air1 listeners have now given these girls' families access to clean water, for the first time in the their lives. Thank the Lord.)
"We've got poverty right here in America. Let's take care of those people, first, then worry about someone way over there."
I've heard this before. A lot. When we tell people about needs elsewhere, desperate, crying needs elsewhere, we hear we shouldn't even really be talking about it. Look around! Let's take care of Americans first!
Problem is, for the Christian, it doesn't make sense.
-----------
First, and most obviously: Why can't we help people both near and far? Why is this an either-or choice? You've got a burden to work with the homeless, here? GOD BLESS YOU. You want to provide clean water, there? GOD BLESS YOU. You want to do both? AWESOME.
And secondly: Where's the Biblical justification for prioritizing, as a church, American people over non-American people? Good luck on that. It's an open-book test.
Seriously, I loves me some America. Serving in the military wasn't an option for me (turns out you have to be able to see straight) but my brother served, and my step-dad, and my grandfather, and so forth. I've initiated and led community-wide "support the troops" efforts in my radio career. I root for the American hockey team in the Olympics. And don't even get me started on the founding fathers -- I'll extol their unique genius for hours, or until you're bored into a coma, whichever comes first.
America is a beautiful, brilliant, and God-blessed experiment.
I love America. I have an allegiance to America.
But it's not my highest allegiance.
My highest allegiance is to a Kingdom that exalts the humble, and humbles the exalted. It's a Kingdom that's given to the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful, the peacemakers. Its laws are above American laws, its borders beyond American ones, and its people -- the Church -- are not even at home here. They are aliens, themselves, and they are strangers.
While you're looking in the Bible for "our nation first" commitments, you might want to clear a few days. It will take you awhile, because "nations", as we now know them, have been around only a few hundred years. (Interesting, challenging, and stunning: Sometime check out where the collections from New Testament churches went. Not fractions of them, but the entire collections were sent elsewhere, to poor believers in other lands, or the border-less work of traveling apostles.)
If it seems... unsettling... to say these things, to question the centrality of American nationhood in God's plan, to question our government's ultimate authority, please know: It's always been unsettling. It's always been subversive to say, "Jesus is Lord." Always was, is, and will be.
"Jesus is Lord", means Caesar... isn't. And "Jesus is Lord" means America... isn't. He's the King above kings, and if you are a citizen of His Kingdom, you are to see His will is done. He's not subtle about this. Check out Amos 5 (The Message), where He talks about a people who ignore the plight of the poor, but still give Him religion:
I say we give Him what He eternally wants, and we don't stop at our -- very temporary -- national borders. If we are truly citizens of the Kingdom, let's let our borders be His borders, and not an inch closer.
Shouldn't we take care of Americans... First?
(Picture was taken at a church in Rwanda, where Air1 listeners have now given these girls' families access to clean water, for the first time in the their lives. Thank the Lord.)
"We've got poverty right here in America. Let's take care of those people, first, then worry about someone way over there."
I've heard this before. A lot. When we tell people about needs elsewhere, desperate, crying needs elsewhere, we hear we shouldn't even really be talking about it. Look around! Let's take care of Americans first!
Problem is, for the Christian, it doesn't make sense.
-----------
First, and most obviously: Why can't we help people both near and far? Why is this an either-or choice? You've got a burden to work with the homeless, here? GOD BLESS YOU. You want to provide clean water, there? GOD BLESS YOU. You want to do both? AWESOME.
And secondly: Where's the Biblical justification for prioritizing, as a church, American people over non-American people? Good luck on that. It's an open-book test.
Seriously, I loves me some America. Serving in the military wasn't an option for me (turns out you have to be able to see straight) but my brother served, and my step-dad, and my grandfather, and so forth. I've initiated and led community-wide "support the troops" efforts in my radio career. I root for the American hockey team in the Olympics. And don't even get me started on the founding fathers -- I'll extol their unique genius for hours, or until you're bored into a coma, whichever comes first.
America is a beautiful, brilliant, and God-blessed experiment.
I love America. I have an allegiance to America.
But it's not my highest allegiance.
My highest allegiance is to a Kingdom that exalts the humble, and humbles the exalted. It's a Kingdom that's given to the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful, the peacemakers. Its laws are above American laws, its borders beyond American ones, and its people -- the Church -- are not even at home here. They are aliens, themselves, and they are strangers.
While you're looking in the Bible for "our nation first" commitments, you might want to clear a few days. It will take you awhile, because "nations", as we now know them, have been around only a few hundred years. (Interesting, challenging, and stunning: Sometime check out where the collections from New Testament churches went. Not fractions of them, but the entire collections were sent elsewhere, to poor believers in other lands, or the border-less work of traveling apostles.)
If it seems... unsettling... to say these things, to question the centrality of American nationhood in God's plan, to question our government's ultimate authority, please know: It's always been unsettling. It's always been subversive to say, "Jesus is Lord." Always was, is, and will be.
"Jesus is Lord", means Caesar... isn't. And "Jesus is Lord" means America... isn't. He's the King above kings, and if you are a citizen of His Kingdom, you are to see His will is done. He's not subtle about this. Check out Amos 5 (The Message), where He talks about a people who ignore the plight of the poor, but still give Him religion:
"I can't stand your religious meetings. I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions. I want nothing to do with your religion projects, your pretentious slogans and goals. I'm sick of your fundraising schemes, your public relations and image-making. I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music....
Do you know what I want? I want justice -- oceans of it. I want fairness -- rivers of it. That's all I want. That's all I want."
Like I say, not subtle. I say we give Him what He eternally wants, and we don't stop at our -- very temporary -- national borders. If we are truly citizens of the Kingdom, let's let our borders be His borders, and not an inch closer.
Friday, January 6, 2012
CLUB AWESOME!!
club awesome is friday nights at 6:30.... and it's AWESOME!! pumping yummy music! yes, i'm 30 and i still love it :) makes my heart join in the rhythm! its on Air1 radio! in fact, i like to plan all my friday plans AROUND it! Yeah, like Brant says :)
This morning was "ok"... ironing (ihateironing), returning a shirt to walmart (ihatewalmart), and got a shot and drill at the dentist (ihateshotsndrills)... but this afternoon was awesome like as awesome as club awesome! my girl time with J&S, it's bible study/just admitting we are human time, sharing time.... it just makes my week! they "like" get me! and that is a rare rare thing.
got picked at work to be sponsored for the ABO test...hmm. my assistant manager signed me up and i told her not to, but thought that i should. I prayed "real" hard that God would make sure that i didn't get picked. Ha, God has a funny sense of humor ;). Hard Hard test to pass! My biggest fear on this one... is that if i fail.. then in case of them just thinking i'm stupid, then they would have it documented on paper. epic fail
This morning was "ok"... ironing (ihateironing), returning a shirt to walmart (ihatewalmart), and got a shot and drill at the dentist (ihateshotsndrills)... but this afternoon was awesome like as awesome as club awesome! my girl time with J&S, it's bible study/just admitting we are human time, sharing time.... it just makes my week! they "like" get me! and that is a rare rare thing.
got picked at work to be sponsored for the ABO test...hmm. my assistant manager signed me up and i told her not to, but thought that i should. I prayed "real" hard that God would make sure that i didn't get picked. Ha, God has a funny sense of humor ;). Hard Hard test to pass! My biggest fear on this one... is that if i fail.. then in case of them just thinking i'm stupid, then they would have it documented on paper. epic fail
Thursday, January 5, 2012
update on Operation Baby
so email from Awaa.. our paperwork that was to b in China this week is not going to be.. messed up with notary changing her stamp to her married name. So maybe 3-4 weeks out.. and this time not so hard to swallow. Hey, everyone makes mistakes and what is a couple weeks in the scheme of possibly yrs.
I finally braved up and told my cw that I had the surgery and that it wasn't cancerous... and i just have to send a email to some up and up gov person.. easy peesy. Thank God!
Tonight g and i divided up the pillowcase dresses my friends helped me make this fall and i'm going to get them sent next week. Yeah, something crossed off my list of 100 things to do.
I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with all the reading i need to do. I love reading, but... my new years goal is to have devotions EVERY day, not just when i feel like it. Hard. very hard. and then girls sharing time book, and adoption books, and book club books, and more adoption books, and healthy books, and then a fun book every once in a while.. ahhhh. and about 2 mins and my eyes are heavy...unless of course it's a ME book ;)
I finally braved up and told my cw that I had the surgery and that it wasn't cancerous... and i just have to send a email to some up and up gov person.. easy peesy. Thank God!
Tonight g and i divided up the pillowcase dresses my friends helped me make this fall and i'm going to get them sent next week. Yeah, something crossed off my list of 100 things to do.
I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with all the reading i need to do. I love reading, but... my new years goal is to have devotions EVERY day, not just when i feel like it. Hard. very hard. and then girls sharing time book, and adoption books, and book club books, and more adoption books, and healthy books, and then a fun book every once in a while.. ahhhh. and about 2 mins and my eyes are heavy...unless of course it's a ME book ;)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Oh, Crap!
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh, crap, she's up"!!!!!
Sogginess...
Everyone has some type of rain in their lives. We're one great, big, beautiful, soggy mess -- and God loves us all!
Rain can cause pain, hurt, and hate.. and it often is taken out on unexpecting people.. when someone lashs out about a simple thing like how their glasses can't be repaired even after they ran over them with a car.. or whatever the rain... I try to remember that I have no idea the battles that they are facing.. or how their rain makes them feel like they are drowning. They just need someone to care, someone to love!
Give unconditional love!
Rain can cause pain, hurt, and hate.. and it often is taken out on unexpecting people.. when someone lashs out about a simple thing like how their glasses can't be repaired even after they ran over them with a car.. or whatever the rain... I try to remember that I have no idea the battles that they are facing.. or how their rain makes them feel like they are drowning. They just need someone to care, someone to love!
Give unconditional love!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Christmas... and beyond
got together with both (g's and i) families on Christmas. We had a wonderful time.. and our sister-in-law told us that she is expecting. I'm so happy for her, but my heart is pained.
I just cry out to God to protect MY girl for me because I can't protect her like others that are pregnant. I can't make sure that i eat the right thing so my baby gets enough food and is healthy..I have to rely on God to do the taking care of.
I just cry out to God to protect MY girl for me because I can't protect her like others that are pregnant. I can't make sure that i eat the right thing so my baby gets enough food and is healthy..I have to rely on God to do the taking care of.
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