Day 22 and 23

I'm tired of listening to myself blog. Just saying.

Maybe I'm tired all over, not just in spots. And I want to cry. I know, I know. It makes no sense but yet it's real. It's just a world of changes dumped on me all at once. Going from a highly scheduled work life so I could have my free time off.... To a world that does not include any time for me.

Relaxing while eating... That ain't happening. Even potty breaks aren't private now days. It doesn't even include unfun time for me. I empty the dishwasher 2 dishes at a time or fold laundry 2 clothes at a time or I vacuum with 25extra lbs strapped on me because she is afraid.  

It's just a entire world of changes. For her and I (and let's not forget Gary). 

It's not Josie, in fact she is a treasure. I'm  still in awe of how God brought her into our life. How in the world, did God pick us... Out of all the people in the world?  He picked us to be her parents. It's overwhelming to think that we were chosen. We are so unworthy!  So beyond honored to call her our daughter. 

She is a fighter. I believe that is the reason she doesn't show much physical or mental delay even with almost three years of orphanage life. Yes, that fighter instinct makes me life overwhelming, but that has been her survival. 

I'm so happy it's the weekend. I can't tell you how in love I have fallen for my own husband. Even after 13 wonderful years. There are just not enough words to describe it. Thankfully this has driven us closer instead of apart. In the bottom of my heart, I'm afraid that he will stop loving me if I end up being a bad mom and/or wife. Because I fail every day. Maybe every hour. Maybe every minute. 

He still assures me... that his love is permanent. 

I'm just a little afraid that God will stop loving me too. Because I fail. But I know that God doesn't work that way either. 

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

I praise God every day that He is here for me. I am reminded every single day that if I don't fill with God then I have nothing to give out. I must pray and worship and plead for wisdom every single day for me to be a God filled soul to minister to others including being a mom and wife. Otherwise it is all not worth it. 

Josie is a full speed ahead kinda of girl. I declare that because of her must wear shoes issue that I will be missing all of my toes by fall. She stomps on them, trips on them, slams into them.  I told G that I never knew parenting was so physically painful. If we are not getting kicked, then we are being head banged or stomped on by chunky shoes. Slippers are not labeled as shoes by miss J. 

I have this ridiculous urge to take pictures of everything. It's just so fun to this Ohhhh, this is probably the first time to have cheese fries or jelly bread or...  I just want to document it all. She loves to help with the smallest things... Folding laundry (shoot me now), putting stuff in the trash or emptying the dishwasher. Anything is a adventure if movement is required. If it is like reading a book or watching a video... Forget IT. 

Oh my stars. I JUST want to sit still. I just want a be still and know that I am God moment. Multiple moments. That would be fabulous. 

G mowed today... Apparently she doesn't like it at all.. So I strapped her in my body carrier and watered flowers. That will make you sweat. We also strollered down to CVS and Dollar general. She loves stroller ride and the busy traffic so I'm happy I live in walking distance of so many places. 

We got pool time in both days and she loves it. Not so happy if water getting in her face but it's getting better. I'm trying to teach her to wipe her eyes if water splashes up on her. When it's just J and I, swimming has been good for our bonding... She is kinda forced to let me hold her and she will hold around my neck if I tell her too. 

One day at a time, sweet Jesus! 

Day 21....

Am I boring you yet...

A wonderful day... Really. 

Well, I had my fingers crossed for last night.  Will she stay down all night?!  

She took cough medicine that was a sleepy kind. And we played hard after her bath and then tried to read to her (what a joke). Then I was sooooo boring just laying on the floor acting like I was sleeping. She wandered around for a while and then just stood beside her crib. I ignored her for a while thinking she would try to communicate that she wanted in. But after 3 mins of standing there, I asked her if she wanted in and I got a yes head shake. She laid down and a minute later was out. 11:00-10:00. We also tryed a sound machine too. 

Double sweetness. Mama still didn't sleep until 2.. Why?  I don't know, but I think my mama nerves are on full active mode. Please turn them off. 

Josie isn't sure about Baba returning home in the evening. It takes about 30seconds and then its attack mode. She loves on him with kisses and hugs that mama doesn't get. One day.. :). 

We had fun today. We played in the pool, in the kid tent, and set up a mini trampoline, and also watered plants with a friend. She NEVER wants to go inside. Outside always rules over the inside. Hmm. 

I managed to iron 3 pants and 2 shirts, start the dishwasher, and fold a basket of laundry. Woohoo 

I haven't even started cooking. I'm not sure that I could. Yes, I'm pathetic. 

She fought the crib again tonight. I don't know why, But I sure hope that 11:00 isn't her normal bedtime cause it's killing us. Lol. 

Today I was reminded again... We are so quick to judge. If I have not walked in those shoes, then I need to offer grace.   We will not truly understand unless we have been there. And if we offer grace, maybe someday it will be offered to us. We are all battling something. ALL of us. Even those that look like they have it all together. We also are in a spiritual battle. May we hold each other up and not tear down. And never assume. Because you don't know how you would act, or feel, or be.... Unless you have been there. 

May we LOVE, and may we be like God's grace... Never ending. 

Day 19 and 20

Other than nighttime...We are doing ok. We are finding more things to laugh about. 

Gary was sad to return to work. He has fallen hard. He mentioned that he is going to miss some many firsts. There are so many things that she has never tried or seen. It is fun :). Mama and child wishes that he could stay home too. 

She is starting to play a little by herself. I feel like I can take potty breaks or check the laundry now. Lol. 

We have had some visitors but we are trying to limit them as much as possible. You may think this sounds rude, but she has not attached yet. She will give another woman as much as attention as she gives me. And I will say that is not fair. I have given my everything since I have seen her little precious face two and half weeks ago. And I'm still fighting for her love and her kisses. I have prayed over her for years. We have cleared out all of our savings for her.  We fought for her because she needed a family.  I NEED for her to figure out that I am the Mama. ( and papa).  The ones that would move mountains for her. The ones that will never leave. The ones that considers her priceless. 

It kills my heart to see her touch you willingly, but will turn away from my kisses or hugs. 

It is getting better but...

don't try to squeeze her and get her to give you kisses and hugs. 

Don't. For me. For us. 

She will have time to love you up later. 

Yesterday I tried for a nap. Complete meltdown for child and mama. Today I said FORGET it. So not worth it until we settle in better. 

She LOVES being out of the house. Although that doesn't translate into loving her car seat. 

We tried to go to the canal, but it dumped rain. Not sure if she was mad that we didn't get out or if she was just tired of the car seat... Either way such screaming. I may or may not have pitched her toes to keep her from kicking. I was going to head home but decided getting out would make her happier so we headed to the grocery store. As soon as she knew she was getting out, she was good. The grocery store was an adventure to this child. In her marbled words, she would ask, what's that to everything on the shelf. 

When we go on walks, I think she asks "what's that" to every bird.... And tree, and mailbox and car and....

Minds just want to know :). She normally repeats the words back. 

Her word for the day is cho cho for train. One baby video that is to learn numbers 1-5, has a train in it and she would go clear crazy trying to get our attention and would get up in our faces with wide eyes and point and say "cho cho". 

As always I thank you for the prayers and plead for more. Parenting is humbling. Who would have known how many times we would ask out loud.. "You need to poo poo?" Unbelievable.  Parenting is beyond challenging. She know how to push boundaries. 

We need so much wisdom and we always doubt what we are doing and if it's right. We fail. And then we start over. 

I, in return, pray for you too. I thank God for each one of our supporters and encouragers and pray God blesses you back again and again. Because I know I will never be able to repay you for all you have done. You are a blessing. 

He is faithful. Always. 

Day 18

Since G ran a call early this morning, I had a hr and half this morning of wake time with just Josie and Mama. Kinda a trial run. It went ok, with the exception of the meltdown of wanting more cereal and then deciding that she wasn't going to eat it. Mama thought otherwise. Mean oh mean I am. 

We vacuumed the house... Double nasty and folded a basket of laundry. These two things made me feel like super woman. We went on a stroller ride to Martin's to get bananas. Because it may be life threatening if you don't have a banana for the morning. 

Then we laid around like dead men while she played around and/on top of us. We are so tired. 

Lunch of grilled hamburgers.. Yeah for G grilling. Josie didn't want a thing to do with the good food. She stuck with her boring rice, and hard boiled eggs. I tried to trick her into eating two Lima beans for in return for a cookie. It wasn't happening. So no lima, no cookie. 

We don't wear shoes in the house.. It just keeps the dirt out better so with J thinking she has to wear shoes, we made a plan and she is working with us. We gave shoes that go on outside the door and shoes that go on inside the door. 

We watered flowers this afternoon and even got in the pool for 20 mins :). It was burr cold water but she loved it. 

These weeks was the first time in my life that I have had NO appetite. And it's still not back. So it seems as if I am ALWAYS getting food ready. I have never prepared three meals a day for anyone. It's crazy!!  And trying to keep baby fed, you have no time or desire to eat.  I will never doubt what moms do. They cook, they wash clothes, and hold whining babies. That is 24 hrs a day. I honestly have no clue how this happened to me. Yeah, and I how I dressed today, well, it didn't match. And I don't care. Frumpy.  But I still win, my kid may have been covered with yogurt, but I 

still win.. Because we are all still alive. 

This evening we called my sister, but they weren't home so we drove by the fire station to take a picture of their front sign that was congratulated us on being parents. 

Then headed to the local school playground again. It is right behind my brothers and so the kiddos came out to play with Josie. 

My favorite highlight of the day was we stopped at McDonald's to get a ice cream cone for Josie... We laughed till we cried sitting out on our picnic table feeding it to her. We were kinda (well not kinda) sticking it her face smearing her all up and then she would turn to me and get all blabbering about me cleaning her face. I would act like I wasn't looking at her and she would pat me and make all these funny sounds. (Poor girl, Chinese mixed with English). We did this again and again and was giggling uncontrollably. ;). She is starting to like me more. Even on the playground she was running to me more. She is starting  to mend my broken heart. 

Day 17

After a extra rough night of one hour of sleep to one hour of crying from 10 until 4ish. Then sleep from 4-9.  Both adults were feeling rough. Especially mama. After breakfast I asked G if he could take care of J, so that I could take a bubble bath. It was so nice, no it didn't make anything better really, but I felt a little more human. 

Since we were missing church, we sat down and I held her while G read a few verses. You would have thought that we were torturous from her whining noises. We are a loooonng way from sitting through a real service. Oh shoot me now. 

Mom had invited us over for lunch and I figured if she was going to meltdown at a meal, then it might as well be at my families house. She truly dislikes most food. She ate 2 microscopic pieces of meat and some mac and cheese. 

She doesn't like any adults yet, and I'm ok with that until she likes me a whole lot. But over at dad's, he was playing the harmonica for her and she crawled up and sat in the corner of his chair for a tiny bit. She liked the doll that opened and closed her eyes and a little school bus that she could pull around. We only stayed a hr and a half and decided to try a nap after we got home. 

She didn't fight to bed and then slept almost 2hrs. Praise God, and we got a few winks in :). I ended up waking her because I wanted her to sleep at night. I'm sure we all could have slept for hrs!  

It was so beautiful out and the sun is good for jet lag so we walked our little street and then decided to go the local school and play on the playground. Vaughn's joined us :). The kids love her and she likes them. 

Terry's came over for a hr or so, we loved their company as well. 

We ate a late dinner of lots of rice and apple for baby and grilled hot dogs for the olds. She played for the first time by herself for a good hour or so. It was lovely. G and I curled up on the sofa together and chilled out. I looked at the mess everywhere but was just ok with it, because I had moments of doing nothing that I was soaking up. 

She was basically falling asleep in her bath, and went down by 10:30 with ten minutes of patting. Praise the Lord. And she slept until 6:30. Mama didn't sleep much though, but was so happy there was no crying!! G ran on his first call at 4:30 and made it out the door without waking her :). 

Day 14, 15, and 16

We had so many prayer warriors for the trip home. We left the hotel at 9 to head to the airport and then through all the security, luggage stuff. First flight from 12-3 to Beijing.  We kept her awake and she did much better than 5 days ago. Then down again to wait till 7 to take off for America for the long flight. 12+hrs. With Gods grace and the prayers of who love us, Josie was able to sleep 7+ hrs.  We need two seats to spread out her since nothing can be touching her feet. One of us stayed there and caught her if she rolled and the other one found a empty seat to catch snoozes. We were so thankful. The other hrs were filled with Baba feeling like he was holding onto a greased octopus. Legs wiggling everywhere. I was never so happy to feel America under my feet. 

After a hr or so of going to immigration due to adopting a child, they finally finished her paperwork that says that she is resident. Her citizenship will come in the mail in 1-3 months. 

Finally out to see my parents that had came to pick us us. Soo happy to see them!!  G's parents surprised us and was there too. Sonya had sent balloons and a welcome sign. My mom had packed a huge bag of tricks and snacks for the last 1 1/2 hour ride home. What a blessing, it almost went fast. 

First I saw balloons off interstate and when we pulled in, I sobbed. I had held it together for the entire journey home but that was it. They (my family, my coworkers, my friends) had balloons and glow sticks covering the front porch, lining the edge of the walkway, hanging out of the tree, and the back porch. Inside I have dozens of notes of bible verses, encouraging quotes, and funny sayings tucked into cabinets, drawers, and everywhere you could think of. The kitchen counter was covered with gifts of thoughtfulness. My heart felt all the love. And I'm still clinging to that love. In the middle of the screaming. I cling. 

My family and my two best friend supporters was here to welcome us in. Josie loved the kids. It was such a blessing to be home. I believe my family fell in love :). 

Josie has been doing well around others. But it makes my heart smile that she refuses to go to other adults. I know, that sounds cruel and unusual but my heart still hurts a little from rejection, and I want her to run to me first. 

Night time has been a terror. Both for her and us. First problem is the switch of time... 12hrs off. So she will fall asleep for a hr and then wake up for screaming for a hr and then repeat and repeat and repeat. It is so hard to know if she's scared or lonely or just exhausted or mad. She kicks and about blows our ears off with the voice. We take turns trying to comfort her. There doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason on how to do that. 

Sometimes we try to hold and rock her, sometimes that makes her madder. We try putting her in our bed or sleeping on the floor curled around her.. Both of those makes the anger stronger. Sometimes we let her cry. Sometimes we pat her in the crib. Sometimes we try food or drink or music or lights or toys or...... 

But it seems like it's very hour. I can't hardly stand it. 

Daytime is getting better but it's 24-7 entertainment. She hates when G is gone out of sight. G decided to finish the driveway sealing and with a run to Lowes.. 2+ hours later without dad in sight, I was shot. 

My cousin from out of state came and visited with her family, my sister stopped over with smoothies, my sisterinlaw dropped by with her kiddos, and a friend dropped off a high chair. I know that we are to be cocooning but for me they are distractions that I love. They make my blood pressure level. 

This afternoon we managed to get the pool up and starting to fill. Josie saw the water and started undressing. She may have had a meltdown when she realized we were not giving in today. But I have a feeling it will be a hit next week. She loves cool water, even her bath water so I'm guessing it will be enjoyed. The mama and baba with have the harder time with the cold water ;). 

This evening we decided to go and try out the car seat. They don't use any seat belts or car seats in China. So being strapped in is highly annoying to Missy Pants. We went over to his parents and two of G's brothers were there. They loved making over her and enjoying giving her chips (probably her first ones). Again she did well with the kids and even played with them for a little while. Grandma wanted to hold her but that wasn't happening. 

Now I could repeat the whole section on sleeping here again. Ugh. I'm wide awake with her again and then can't fall back to sleep with my ears ringing. And my heart hurting. I love her so much, I guess that's why it hurts so bad. Because Mama can't fix this one. 

Things I'm struggling with are ...

what am I doing to do without Gary?? What am I going to do when he goes back to work? Will our marriage never be the same?  Will we ever have us time again?  Because the screaming makes me miss us. 

Thank you again for all the prayers, emails, texts, notes and everything thing else. 

Please continue to pray for us. We plead every day for wisdom. It's so beyond ourselves. 

Day 13

I was again a emotional mess from the sweetness of the other adoptive parents this morning at breakfast.  They know that I was struggling and would always really really look deep into my eyes are ask....  

God spoke to me again after breakfast. "What do you fear?!"

I fear she will never love me, Lord. 

"GIVE it up!" He reminded me. "Do you not trust me?!"

Yes, Lord, apparently I have trust issues. 

Josie seemed to like a stroller so we went out for a walk in the park this morning. I thought for suuuure that she should walk to burn off energy, but nope nope and nope.  We try to get her to repeat as many words as possible and some of them are hilarious. It just different. It hard for us to repeat a single word the guide says so in return, it's hard for Josie. We walked around old men playing games, exercise classes, runners and cats and dogs. 

Josie loves to say puppy and picks out every dog within a mile.

We ran part of the way home to avoid getting caught in the rain. 

After lunch, we tried a nap. I really don't know why we bother trying... But she is so tired. Cry, cry, cry. 

Afterward the tearful mess,we played in the indoor toy room

I feel like all I do is feed her. I guess this is really real to life. 

I decided to take her swimming even in the rain. With her cold I probably shouldn't have, but it was still hot outside.

We actually had fun splashing the puddles, dipping in the pool and singing with the music. They kicked us out because it was thundering. 

 

We are both so excited to get home. We both packed up a little bit. 

Day 12

I don't want to write today. It's like my spirit is too tired but here goes. Short version. 

Josie woke up happy for the first time and made up for it the rest of the day by crying. 

Went to Consulate and will get J's visa in her passport tomorrow. 

She refused lunch, she was beyond cross. 

She refused a nap, she was beyond cross. (When I say beyond... I mean NoTHING can distract her, no food, no toys, no nothing, no silliness) 

Took her swimming, she didn't hate it.

Took her to the playground, she was bored. 

Took her on a stroller ride, didn't want in, but then didn't want out. 

Mama hates having sweat run down through her hair, like rain. Baba hates it too. 

Got a ice cream cone.. We all liked that. 

Gave her a bath and she did like that. 

Baba treated us with a pizza delivery. Best pizza of our entire life. 

Only shared crust with Josie. Hey, she likes noodles and crackers. 

She is sleeping and Ba & Ma are crossing our fingers for a long night. 

We have a full day here tomorrow (get her visa) and then thurs morning we are out of here. First flight is around noon. Can NOT be over soon enough. 

Day forever ... I want my America.

Can I only be Day 11?  Seriously. Never in my entire life has days lasted so long. 

Maybe it's the my way or the highway child (but than again can you blame her.. The only thing that she hasn't lost is her will), or the 100 percent humidity with mid 80's (even I am 100percent cranky in this heat), or is it trying to parent in hotel room the size of a thumbtack, or maybe it's the constant dread of the journey home.

I took her to the indoor play area for 1/2hr without G. The toys distracted a little, but at least she didn't scream.  And in the afternoon I was able to hold her hand a little and also feed her for 10mins on the bus alone. It seems so little but it's so big. 

Because we went shopping this afternoon in dripping sweat, we tried for nap in the morning. 

Epic fail. May I mention that stiff body rolling to the farthest corner of the crib to get away from you just at the sound of your voice or at looking at your face.  I'm surprised you didn't hear it. Oh dear Jesus, calm her heart. We just don't know, is waking up or going to sleep a reset on the grief?  Does her little mind bring back everything? Does she remember all of the lost?

I have never met a child with such a loud voice. They said maybe she has a heart condition but her heart is sooo getting oxygen. Dude. 

I did find a little dress and I got her name written out in Chinese characters while shopping. Annnnd we spilt a choc chip frappe for Starbucks. A little sunshine entered my life. 

We went out to eat together at our Cantonese restaurant again. The whole group went. These ladies and men...They have been God's arms and love to us. Especially me. Every one of them. 

Little miss independence likes to undo her diaper when she thinks it's time to change or if she decides she is ready for her bath. Or today, she jerked it off and peed on the chair.  

Tonight she undressed so quickly after we got to our room, I didn't know il what was happening, G grabbed her and sat her on the potty and oooohhh the anger. Wowsers. Uncontrollable.  She wanted a bath, we found out quickly. We choose not to bath her due to the anger. The language barrier makes it hard to explain to her. After a long day, we may have all been a little mad. Her pjs set her off again, but I just held her and left her look at me. About 2 minutes later, she pointed at the crib, I laid her down and she wiggled and jiggled around until she fell asleep. 

Let me tell you. This is way harder adjustment than getting marriage was. And if you think waiting to have kids after you been married awhile is a good idea... It's not. Lol. 

God does continue to be faithful. We pray for wisdom every day. Because we are convinced that you can't parent without it. It takes all you got and that's not enough. Only by God's grace. 

Day 10

Today I felt by 3:00 pm that I just don't have it. I'm just not good enough to parent. As I sat and crying after she cried and cried, I pulled up my Scripture for the day. It basically said... What you fear, give it up and trust in God.

I had begged for prayer from my friends and then God spoke this right into my soul. 

We had some sight seeing this morning and it was wet, hot, and still raining. Not ideal for kids or sightseeing or parents holding kids, or for smelling good. I get that we want to learn the culture but kids DONT care. We stopped to order food and then home to eat and then nap which it was too late to keep a meltdown from happening. 

We were invited to go along with the some of the group to go shopping, but we just said no.  After too much crying we packed up and rented a stroller to get her used to being strapped in. We walked around the block and down through street market. And yes ended up at McDonald's. I know we are in China, but my emotional state is a hot mess and  it felt like comfort food. She often gives Baba hugs and kisses. Today G talked her into her giving me one. She just touchs cheeks. ;) ahh.  Our one guide said... "What? You aren't French. You are Chinese. Kiss with your lips". 

We decided that maybe Josie needed to run so we visited the hotel playground and Josie ran full throttle. Some of the other kids were there and she kinda played with them. She was soaking wet from running and falling all over the place. She jumped on the swing and starting pumping herself. I wasn't sure who was the kid.... G or J.. With all the running around. 

I was giving the night bedtime duty to G, but I somehow tried again. I gave her a very short bath and then held her for a little bit and then she pointed to the crib several times. So I laid her down and then crying and wanting back up. We did this three times.  She just finally fell asleep. This is the first time she didn't want held and rocked. Is this good or bad, I don't know. But it was WAY less crying. And my mamas heart needed that. 

I love truly love, that this hotel is full of adopting families. We get each other and you will never ever find a better supportive group. I just feel like each one was sent here at this time for me. A lady in the elevator informed me that yes I would be back again. She just adopted her fourth.  Haha. :). 

Day 9

It was sssso good to be back with our group and see all the kids. It is common to have the kids attach to the dads but it did my heart good to see it with my eyes in other families so I know that I'm not alone. 

Some of the families ended up not getting here till 6am and we had to meet at 8 to head to our apps. Thankfully at least their flight wasn't canceled... Because if you meet the medical app.. It all landslides from there. 

Today is Saturday so they only are open a half day. 

The waiting for all six families to start seemed long. I was able to talk for a little with a family that was traveling by theirselves.  Sweet sweet family. I wish they were with us. I want to take them all in. But our guide, Helen would have a heart attack. She is a skilled lady.. And so organized ...managing 8 families. Only 6 families are on our schedule.  Barely anyone could do this job. It's hard. 

Again, I thanked God that we aren't alone. And that we are with believers.  (By the time we left, there were adoptive families everywhere ;). 

Josie did much better than we expected, it was as if she was used to being examined. We had to go three stationing. One for nurses station, one for ears, nose, throat, and one for a full physical exam. The doctor said that she had bronchitis and gave us antiboditic.  I don't know, I thought she had a cold. But good luck to us trying to get it in her.  Then because she is over two, they have to do a blood test. We were not allowed in the room, but she came out crying. 

She did allow me to feed her a apple while waiting afterwards.  But full out temper fits later when baba was trying to buy snacks at seven eleven. This is 1000 percent harder than I had prepared for and imagined.  We will not even go to where Mama tried to pick her up from her nap. One of our friends are in the next room and I know I shouldn't be happy to hear crying tonight, but it made me feel like we aren't alone. We are just stumbling along first time parents. 

My heart needs some love from her. 

I did the paperwork party while G babysat and that went very quickly.  Tomorrow we have some sightseeing and shopping. I hope we find something to buy for her... Since we haven't bought anything yet. 

For lunch I walked to McDonald's to get lunch. Yes, again. Because mama needed some alone time. Time out. I know it seems strange but true. 

G got her to sleep for her first real nap of 1 1/2 + hrs. Praise the Lord.

 

We go on walks just to get out. I was carrying Josie in a front pack and fell on the metro steps... Slid about 3 or more steps. I thought I was partially paralyzed. It hurt soo bad I couldn't move. It let up after a few moments but in the morning it's going to kill. At least Josie didn't freak other than banged her head on mine. 

Our friends invited us to go out to Cantonese food.  We really enjoyed that and Josie decided to eat, I guess since everyone else including babies was. She ate soooo much rice for the first time. Before she had refused it. 

One other couple decided to take a walk in the park after dinner and we joined them. I truly lovvvve being with this group. Blessings straight from heaven. They are so encouraging to G and I, it chokes me up. Who am I kidding. I choke up over everything. 

I gave up night shift too... Just so it would go better.  It hard to know if I should just do it so she gets used to it or does she still look at me as a woman and women in the past left her.  As G rocked her to sleep, he was singing a 100 versions of "come ba ya". Someone's wiggling, Lord. Someone's farting, Lord. I couldn't stop giggling. I think God has a sense of humor, in this case. God only knows how bad I need to laugh. 

 Please continue to pray for us.

For G because he is the primary parent, and primary encourager of mama. 

For J because of the fears she has from losing everything she has ever know. 

For P because her heart hurts. 

For us  because we need to be fill with God's power, Love, patience, wisdom, and understanding. 

Adoption begins through tragedy--abandonment, poverty, illness and even death. Even from those tragic places, God brings beauty from the ashes. He creates beautiful families from tragedy. Thank you, Lord.

Day 8

First let me tell this delivery is way more painful and long than any birthing experience. So I don't want to hear how your delivery was worse. Amen. 

Miss grumpy pants here speaking. 

Secondly I will never look at crying traveling babies the same. I don't ever remember complaining about them, but if I had, I fully repent. Please give them patience and put in your ear plugs. They are doing the best they can. Amen. 

Thirdly I told G that I'm happy to never travel again. I've seen as much as the world as I want. I'm done. I will stay inside of a three hr radius. 

Fourthly I know why sometimes moms get frumpy. It's exhausting. You don't even have time to shave. And somehow I about lost my skirt.  And I look like I NEVER comb my hair.  Don't ask. 

Between G and I, the thoughts of noodles, almost make us barf. Gansu is known for its noodles and that is one thing J will eat. But for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Eeeee. 

But on the plane to here, it was so awful that I told g that I would stay here and live and eat noodles every day, just to not go home on a forever flight. 

And I may or may not have said, we are NEVER EVER doing this again. Amen. 

Then I remembered, to stay in the center of Gods will, you do what he had called you to do. March we onward. 

We were given much patience today and not too many evil eyes of the plane. The flight attendees were patience and kind with the seat belt rules. 

Maybe they did because as Josie cried, that white American lady may have had tears steaking down her cheeks too.  We will never know. 

On the way to the hotel from the airport, I figured out the miss J will eat apple. Score. Since she wasn't feeling good, she hadn't been eating or drinking as well. We were able to get giggles out of her by tickling her too, so the plane ride faded just a hair. 

G has a tough job too. J isn't happy if she isn't with him. She will happily hold his hand to walk, and give him hugs and pat his face and give him cheek kisses.... And she turns away from me. She will occasionally like me if it's her idea. Lol. He can barely get in potty breaks. I kept her in the hotel while he snuck out to go to mcds and she had meltdown. But she did like the fries and nuggets that he brought back. Do not even talk to me about when he goes back to work. 

On a better note... There McDonald outside our hotel. I have always laughed at people that travel the world and don't eat the food. Well we did and after nerves, too many noodles, bad water, lack of sleep, and fevers... American food about made me melt onto the ground. 

And G will be able to get coffee. 

This hotel has a queen bed, a sheet, a raining shower, and AC that works!!!!  

After screaming in front of a airplane of people, nighttime screams in the hotel room seem tolerable. 

G took last night shift during the night so I could that Tylenol PM and I slept soo good. First time for two weeks or more. 

I'm blessed beyond measure. I'd pick him again and again. And again. And also miss J with attitude.  She is melting our hearts more each day.  Yup. God has blessed! 

Day 7

I write this as I walk my little precious. Today was not a good day for mama and baba. Both running low grade fevers and sick stomachs. I'm blaming it on too many noodles. 

Now tonight Josie started a fever. I feel so helpless. A new mom and a adopted child that's afraid already. And now a fever. We are praying for a miracle. Please pray with us. We fly out tomorrow and that will be terrible enough without being sick. She is too smart and you can NOT fool into takes medication. I DO NOT know what to do. I really don't see the benefit of holding down a hurting child. My hands are tied. 

She was ok during the day... We went to a museum and park. But she wouldn't eat or drink well. 

I have NEVER wanted to be home so much. I'm tired of noodles, I'm tired of being sweaty everywhere, I'm tired of traffic, I'm tired of not having English. Amen 

On the plus side the rushed passport came in and we got it. I had my fingers crossed. 

Day 6

Hmm, so we had a half day of sightseeing which was perfect for a little one. G and I don't got this parenting thing down yet. We get up 2 1/2 hrs early so we can be ready in time. Well, about a hour of that is trying to get Josie awake and happy. We even had time for a bath just for fun this morning. Well, it may have been needed with all the noodle slurping for breakfast. 

Melody and "Jackie Chen" our driver took us to the park and zoo and then to lunch. 

The park was a fun change from the cars and city life. Josie loves looking at everything!! Her head just swivels from one direction to another. It's so hard to know if it's all new to her or not. 

In the park there was opera with a band and people practicing their Chinese writing with long sticks with a wet sponge on the end.  People doing Tai Chi, people walking with little kids and a lot of dogs.  

We also got education on Budda. 

Josie repeats a lot of words... Baba (dad), mama, zipper, bath, banana and but today's word was puppy. She loved all the dogs in the park. She continually amazes us by what she knows. She is talking a lot now (that is in Chinese).  She even signed please a one point today.   She is wow opinionated. Her way or the highway. Wowsers 

She eats ALL THE TIME. At this rate she will chunky monkey like mama. 

Guess what we ate at lunch today?!?! You will never guess.... Noodles. 

We tried for a nap. Disaster. Amen. 

Played the afternoon way in our 86 degree hotel. We are ssssmokin'. Google translate again to ask front desk for fan. Nope. They say that they could move us, and I say no way after looking at our landslide. 

Melody came over at 5 because of paperwork and loaned us a fan. Maybe that will help.  So hot. 

We went on a walk again just because Josie was becoming a mess. When she is in the carrier, she seems to be content. I have been trying to hold her more today since Gary isn't feeling well.. Headache, sore throat and fever. Please pray for him.  And us. I need him. Bad.  

Josie has a rattled cough and running nose, but doesn't seem to have a fever. She did not sleep well with coughing and I didn't sleep with that and especially because she will not take her shoes off and she kicks around all night. 

Day two hundred million.

Because it feels like we have been here forever. Amen. 

Oh ok, fine Day 5

Today was fairly good. Any hour surrounding sleep as in going to sleep, waking up, nap, then waking up, then going to sleep is heart sobbing. But she wants held. So that's a good thing.  She has a lots of scratches around her neck and shoulders and lower back. We think it's her self soothing trait. When she crys, she will start to scratch herself in those areas and her head. We have been cutting tags out of clothes just in case its that. 

We had nothing planned today so we tried to eat breakfast at the buffet. They made Josie and I's noodles right into front of you. It was sweet. Josie ate them as fast as she could scoop them up. It was so funny to watch her slurp them up.  She is so Asian. Lol. And we are so white. Ha. 

She loves playing with Gary. But she allows me to carry her in a carrier. She doesn't like to look at me for long, but I catch her looking up at me. 

Since we had no appointments, we decided to walk to a "park" down the street 15mins that our guide told us about. Park was in quotes...because it they had grass but fence around it. Duh. It was paved sidewalks in where you could walk and didn't have to play chicken with the vehicles. There were a fair amount of kids there and we were wondering if seeing more children if Josie would cry for missing her friends. She did but she would turn her head until they were out of sight. She looks at everything but didn't seem afraid of the traffic noise and horns. And there is a horn blowing hmmmm every 5 seconds. 

There was a little fenced in low area where you could buy seeds to feed the pigeons. One bird got too close to Josie and she backed up right into Gary's legs and arms. 

Josie has to eat on her idea so we eat some and set it down and she will decide maybe she wants some. So far it's noddles, yogurt, bananas, crackers, and apple juice. She will not touch congee or rice which was surprising to me. 

We are in the room for lunch and got her to sleep a hour for a nap. She woke up very sad. After getting her somewhat calmed down, G played with her (because she wouldn't look at me) and then I talked her into a bath. She maybe kinda likes it (at less she wasn't crying). 

We headed out for for another walk since she loves to push the elevator buttons and the outside. We went to bakery and she was pointing and saying all kinds of things. She would slap G's arm and point and talk. We got ice cream for g and I and some little cupcakes for her. 

Then we went back into this little restaurant that our guide took us to on Sunday and G had used his translator app to get the word naan and tea in Chinese. We managed to get it and it was spicy. Josie didn't seem mind but drinker more water. 

If we leave the door open and curtains open, she is more ok about being in our room. I'm sure the people walking pass the door are wondering what in the world is going on. 

She likes the toys but wouldn't use crayons or writing stuff. But today I scribbled wildly on a paper and she got it. I'm guessing she is a lefty. She had 4 crayons and she would always put all the points one direction. 

One time today as she was playing, she started to sing. My little heart sang inside with her. 

Nighttime again is hard. She sobs her little heart out. She has us so wrapped around her. We can't stop looking at her gorgeousness. She is so perfect. I want to kiss her all up, but she is still very cautious of us (mostly me).  I try not to take it personally because she thinks I'm replacing her nanny and that's not cool. I get that. I thank God for Gary every single minute. He is so good with her and it melts my heart. 

Day 4.

After yesterday of grief and tears and pain, I didn't want today to start. Josie slept over ten hrs, praise God, but between G and I think we heard every wiggle and breath. 

We woke up with screaming and tried so hard to get her to drink or eat. The breakfast people would not let me bring anything to the room so down we went. She ended up eating some banana, yogurt, and she loved apple juice. 

We got up 2 1/2 hrs early but we still barely made it to the lobby by 8. We headed directly to the Civil affairs office. We both got real nervous when we walked in and it looked like court house. In my mind, I was afraid if Josie started to cry uncontrollably, they could decide we weren't fit to be parents. We were told just the orphanage director would be there, but the one nanny showed up. G and I wanted to spit nails, because J immediately tried to throw herself out of my arms and became like a stiff board trying to go to her. Lucky for us, she stayed away mostly and I was able to hide behind the gift that we needed to bring and keep J facing away from her. G even got giggles out of her. We stamped our fingerprints on the documents and had a short interview that we promise to love her unconditionally. And more paperwork and it was official!!! 

We are Josie's parents!!  Woohoo! 

The to the police station.. For what, I don't know, but we follow directions well. :). They checked our passports, took our pictures, and Melody gave them so papers. 

We got done by 11:00 and Melody dropped us off at the hotel. We played with Josie for awhile and decided to venture out to the baby store and super market. We wanted apple juice and more tissues for we are going through a million a minute. She just stared at everyone walking by. And everyone else stared back at us walking by .. White people with Asian baby. Lol. 

We had a hard time getting J to eat. We finally got her to eat noodles and apple juice. 

We tried twice for naps because she was so tired, but just hollering. So we just dragged it out till bedtime. That would be at 6 ;). Yes we put her down early. We don't have anything planned for tomorrow so I figured it didn't matter if she wakes up early. 

G was amazing. Josie prefers him especially while playing. She will go to either of us to hold her though. :)

She is making us proud with her hand and eye coordination. A smoke stack came out of a tiny play tractor and she was able to put it back in. 

She loves her toys. At first it was her teddy bear and fire truck and now she has added tricky dogs to that. 

She saw me drawing water in my washing my clothes in the little baby tub and she came over and tried to take her clothes off. I stopped her and showed her what I was doing. After washing them, I drew more water and asked her if she wanted to take a bath. That was a serious hit. She loved and was using the washcloth to wash with and was even trying to wash her hair. She is little miss independent. After getting her dressed again, we were out in the room and she saw her dirty clothes were laying there. She balled them all up and even got her socks and marched in the bathroom and threw the clothes in the little tub and said wash (in her language (translate app). 

She is was very attached to her clothes and shoes. She has allowed me to change her clothes now, but refuses to take off her shoes. She needs them to sleep apparently. I snuck them off last night while walking her and then at 3am this morning she woke up crying and somehow managed to see her shoes in the dark and it was a must to put them on!  

We were sitting and eating and I had a piece of trash and she headed to the trash can and was struggling to pick it up and carry it to me. So instead she got the trash and put it in for me. 

Her first English word to know was blow. Lol. Because we were blowing her nose so often from crying. 

We were at the elevator and she wants to put the buttons. There are four doors and we were standing there waiting and hadn't seen the one behind us open. She   started pointing behind us. Sure enough one was open. 

She is starting to talk more and we wish so much we could know what she is saying. 

We had a yogurt that has a straw in (their's is runny). She couldn't get anymore out of it and I threw it away. She went and got it and started pulling at the top so I opened it. She grabbed it and tipped it up and started drinking it. She knew it wasn't empty. Apparently she had these before. 

We never fully knew how exhausting parenting is, but we are quickly finding out! 

God bless you and please continue to pray for us!!! And pray for the rest of our families here. It is NOT easy and two of the families have older children and both of their husbands were not able to come. I know that I could NOT have done this without Gary. 

Gotcha day ~ day 3 ~ Mother's Day

We met in the hotel lobby at 5:30 to check out, say goodbye, and head to the airport. Our second guide, Amy, checked us in at the airport and we all separated.

Before we all separated into our flights, each family wished me a happy Mother's Day. I choked up every time. They are the best group of friends that we could have. I miss them already. We will meet up again on Saturday and I can't wait!!! We will all have our children. 

After our 2 1/2 hr flight, our new guide Melody found us as we were the only whites on the plane :). She took us directly to the hotel to drop our luggage and then out to a local restaurant. She ordered for us because no pictures or English. She did a excellent job, it was great. If you want to take home your leftovers, they put them in a plastic bag.. Weird. 

We were on a tight schedule so she showed us the local market and a baby store (ps, in the grocery store if you had a big purse, you had to put it a locked box, so you didn't fill it with stolen food).  We hurried back to meet the personal money exchanger in our hotel room at 2:00, because baby comes at 2:30. Apparently the banks are very busy on Sunday's and he gave us a better exchange rate. Lol, how would we know :). He was such a cute smiling old guy. 

Never can you fully prepare to meet your child for the first time. She is beautiful. Completely perfect. But the grief knocks you off of your feet. She was afraid to walk into the room. I picked her up and tried to distract her. The guide and nannys were able to get her to smile and was trying to explain to her that we are mama and papa. They did stay a short time and answered questions. 

But it all started as they started to walk out the door. The crying. G and mine hearts are completely broken. 

She wanted her shoes back on and kept trying to open the door. She wanted out. We could get her to stop sobbing for a while with walks. I think she thought maybe she would get to go back home. Melody said we were going outside to take pictures for the passport and documents. We thought just outside. I took Josie and I thought it was weird that Melody grabbed a bottle and snacks. We ended up heading out in a vehicle to a studio.  She laughed at us later about not knowing what was going on. She said that she told us, but we had baby on our minds I guess :). 

Josie did great at the picture place, which was important because for the pictures no crying is allowed. She left me hold her and she loved our cheese puff snacks (so thankful that she had grabbed the snacks and bottle) (she is worth her weight in gold). 

Again the crying returned as soon as she saw our hotel room again. It's seems like a bad set up for the director and nannys coming here because now our hotel room is the place where she remembers being left behind. She has hives I think on her back from the stress. Heartbreaking. I wonder if her clothes are making her itch. They were all brand new. But she refused to let me take any of them off, not even her shoes. And I didn't have the heart to care.

We tried to do paperwork, while G walked Josie and then reversed.  Melody took G to the store to get a extra bottle, formula and kid snacks. And then she left. 

I was ready for her to go, because I knew that it was going to get harder without her. And it did. G and I took turns walking Josie, while the other one cried. 

Totally heartbreaking!  

No words can describe the pain. None. 

G was finally able to walk her to sleep. She hasn't sleep soundly, but yet still sleeping. 

Please continue to pray... As when she wakes up, she will again remember. It's the hardest thing that we have ever done. To be involved in this grief. 

Day two of bringing Josie Home

So the jet lag just hit me. I slept very little last night. I tried my coworkers method of falling asleep. Picture a entire white house. Every white, ceiling, floor and walls. And then all the furniture and decor white. Now try to rearrange everything to look  So tired during the day, but wide awake at night. 

I do want to bounce out of bed though. The thought of only one more day until I see my sweetheart baby girl. And the thought of being able to try more cultural foods. Hey, I love Josie and I love food, that's not a news flash, people.

This mornings new food was porridge, Chinese pancake, and a pickled duck egg. 

It's supposed to be cooler today in the high 60's. 

We meet in the lobby at 9 to head to the Great Wall of China. It was calling for rain.. But it just misted and was cool and thank God. 

Wow oh wow.  I could hardly believe that I was standing on it. Older than dirt and you can't even imagine how it was built.  It was gorgeous but a total work out. My legs were like jello in a earthquake. 

Loved seeing and hearing a melting pot of nationalities and languages. 

I'm again so thankful for our group!  We are having little panic attacks and meltdowns at different times and are able to hold each other up. 

We walked along The Bird's Nest (the Olympics 2008) and checked out the sweet design. 

We took a rest at Dr Tea and tasted 5 different teas. After high pressure sales, we still declined. But I will admit, two of them were amazing. Best tea ever. A one of them, did taste like sticks :)

One of our families have two adopted kids ages 2-4 which are along to go adopt another 2yr old. We grilled them with questions, just hoping for answers. Anything to calm our hearts. 

The thing is that here in China, they only give us about a hour of information at a time. They can't give any info about gotcha day because after we fly to her provience, we will have a different guide. Instead of one day at a time, it's one hour at a hour, sweet Jesus. 

Tomorrow is the day. I hope I will give you a update but my mind and heart will be directed toward Josie. 

Please pray for all three of us. All of it will be overwhelming.

Day one of bringing Josie home

I slept great with just a tiny awake at one. Tylenol pm is my friend. G only did ok. 

We had the hotel Americanized Chinese breakfast buffet. We both enjoyed eggs, rice, noodles, fruit, and some unidentifiable items. We met in the lobby with our group at 9 and headed out in our own bus.  We had no idea how much walking was going to happen. NO idea. 

First we went to see the Tiananmen Square and Forbidden City. We wanted history of China. The city was huge with decor of red and gold. I believe everything was designed with the belief that it creates longevity and wealth and unity. This includes the colors, the height, the length of stairs. 

The buildings were amazing and the architect indescribable.  But you can only appreciate them for so long. We saw the first one and went "aww". After we saw what felt like the five billionth one...I was picturing myself falling over a cliff. With being hungry and jetlag, you are making up other reasons why they are called forbidden. 

Long story short.. Makes me happy to believe in Jesus. I don't have have my yin and yang right, I don't have to have a certain amount of stairs, I don't have to burn incense, and I don't have to touch gold bumps on the wall for good luck. 

I don't... Because I have Jesus. 

We rented rickshaws to go to the old Beijing city and also ate authentic Chinese food for lunch. Afterwards we were to get on the same rickshaw and return to our bus. Well... That worked well. Not. Our main guide had left and most of the group but G and I, and Kathy and her son's rickshaw never came back. Our temporary guide tryed to get us a ride, but to no avail. I was NOT pleased to be separated from our group at all. Victor decided we needed to walk back which was fine, I'm not afraid to walk. But he barely would keep in sight and we were walking fast, but you can't run over cars. Pthhh. I was happy to see our group. 

I love being in China and being surrounded with the natives. I wished I could have sat down and just watched people.

The fashions.. Love the high heel shoes, the dresses, the colors 

The selfie sticks...Apparently they are all that... Everywhere. 

The children.. are gorgeous (our guide informed us that they think our white babies are cuter. Lol) (nope, they are wrong)

The smiles. They are universal. Accepted everywhere. 

There are a few things in America that we take for granted. 

I'm not a quitter.   So even after I smelled the smell, I didn't back away. The gorgeous women going into the bathroom didn't show any expressions on their faces of the million rotten pigs smell. Nope. They just calmly picked a stall and went in. 

So did I. 

I may have seen the grossest thing ever. Squatty potty aren't terrible as of themselves but wow. They don't flush any paper. The trash was overflowing to point of not seeing the trash can and you can only imagine what the trash looked like. Then cover the entire floor with pee. 

Bless America. Amen. 

We visited the Summer Palace in the afternoon. Again beautiful...

So very tired... Some slept on the bus on the drives, but I was being a "foreigner" taking pictures and talking to our new friends. Our group is all so different, but yet... We have a bond. Adoption and Jesus. One of my favorite moments are our shared meals, we bow our heads together and hold hands around the table and thank our Lord for the food, for our group, and mostly for our children. I know that God has hand picked, not only our children, but every family to be here at this time. They are becoming our people. Our supporters.  Our listeners. Our answers. Our friends. 

Jetting

We started out with a 11/2 hr drive to the airport. We were to be there 2hrs before our 5hr flight. Then a 2hr layover in CA before our 12hr flight to Beijing. Then immigration, baggage claim, customs, finding AWAA, waiting for other families, and then finally to our hotel. 

No audio on inflight movies, even no wifi. Nothing but people touching you and falling asleep in the most uncomfortable positions and smelly breath.  I was trying so hard not to whine because it will be 100% harder on the way home.  This length of traveling is beyond hard for a adult let alone a child. Then also a child that doesn't know, trust, or love us yet. 

My memories are flashing back. 

I remember the smells of China (food) (especially the smell of people).

I remember the sounds of China (slurping of food) (the language) (the traffic). 

I remember how annoying it is to be touched, bumped, jiggled constantly by people. People that I don't know. Or better yet, full body mushing of people trying to pass each other in the aisles of a packed plane. 

I remember that Chinese are not a very patient people in the immigration line (picture cattle) (would give our Walmart a run for their money on Black Friday)

I'm again reminded of the changes coming for Josie. I'm guessing we will smell different too. We will sound and look funny and will be confusing. And those parent people that are strangers want to touch and hold her. 

New identity

I am so excited about my daughter. About being a mom. About watching my best friend/husband becoming a dad. 

So excited...

That I didn't know that it was going to be be so hard. So hard to walk away. To lay down those five keys. 

I sobbed. like a baby. 

I worked there for 10 years and ended as the assistant manager. As I walked away, down deep inside I felt like I lost a part of my identity. 

I felt heartbroken with all those very real relationships although complicated, will never be the same.  Those relationships that took years to strengthen.  Those will never be the same. Surprised at the pain that sliced my heart when a friend teased me about being unemployed.  I was unaware that my job made me feel like I was a part of the puzzle and that it gave me importance. 

My new earthly identity will be "mom". 

Only one more week. A dream that I have been dreaming since high school. One I truly never believed would come true. 

I will never forget that day that my husband said "we are going to have a Chinese daughter". 

God has given the dream and is leading is beyond our expectations. 

I knew but forgot....

As a Christian, things can't give me importance. By myself, I am nothing. 

I need to lay it all down. 

Falling at His feet. 

Only through, Jesus' saving grace, we ARE important. 

He tells us we are HEIRS of His. We are princesses and kings. We have our new identity. 

Only what is done for Christ will last.