Thousands... Millions...Children needing homes

On saturday, I spent hrs looking and wading through waiting children list from China.  And your heart gets heavier and heavier.  Can't sleep without these children marching through my dreams and becoming personal in my mental life.  I want to be in China now.. but yet I wait.  I feel like someone is standing on me and I can't get my breath.  I pray for them all and especially for my girl.  How do I know which one is mine, Lord?  Please guide my heart and speak to me!

Perfect Attendance... I throw my hands in the air sometimes, saying ayo, gotta let go :)

Looking down into my bowl of strawberries and i just feel happy!  red, juicy, sugary, they just ooze yumminess.  I wonder why, I mean I love strawberries, but come on, why do they bring happiness?  Why do i not get this feeling when looking down at a bowl full of spinach?  Spinach is beautiful too. green leafyness. but it surely doesn't cause me any happiness?  nope, no tingles, not a one.  yuck (i say). 

But then, fried mushrooms make me happy too, but they are ULGY.  so with a capital U.  And liver is ulgy too and it is ulgy on the inside, outside, on a train, or on a plane, everywhere..nasty!

I tend to "judge" people from the outside.  Wrong!  I need to allow God to soften my heart.  I need to feel the real need of people.  To see inside. To care.

So often I see a "ugly" mean person and want to write them off.  Then come to find out that they HURT inside.. bad.  They are trying to cover up the pain of having their heart's softness and beautifulness destroyed by hurt.  If they wear there heart "tough" enough, then no one could pierce through and damage it again.  But what they really need ....is to know that someone cares!

If you peel off all the scarring.. u have beautifulness.. again

on and on

I prayed that God would slow my life down last week.  Then husband got sick. the entire weekend plans vanished.  Did God really do that for ME?? Because that's a sick joke on the husband.  I don't really think so, but I think that God had a plan in it for me.  Slow down, slow, breathe, trust God, He sees the big picture.  

but now, i think, was it preparation for this week?  planning two parties on one weekend, with a study class for ABO and throw in our anniversary.  wow, talk about romance. hehe.

Still in the middle of boot camp, this week and next, and then done...but the girls are already trying to talk me into the next one.  Lost a total of ONE whole stinking pound. wowie. go me. but still
I'm.
thinking.
 Can't believe that i'm really considering it. crazy.  I want G to go with me, but i have to talk a little longer :)

So tonight i came home fired up.. about everything, work, lunch, emails, texts, phone calls, patients, family,... yup everything.  talked G's ear off forever and loud. for probably 1/2 hr or more.
I finally ask him how his day was.. and he said "it sucked".
Oh,
my word,
seriously, that's all he said and it summed up my day completely.  I could have totally used that word and would have been finished. 
man  vs. woman   i shake my head.

Today for lunch, i ran to subway and stood in line for 20 mins (i only get a 1/2 hr on tuesdays)  and rushed back to sit in my car with the windows down and try eat in a hurry.  A man pulls up beside me in his rumble truck  and rolls his windows down.
I look over. and he is looking back.  and immediately he starts up a conversation. 
A big hairy weathered man in a scary looking dumpy truck.
A man that is reduced to teary eyes in minutes.
A man that just needed to believe that someone cared.
And God chose me.
Why?? I silently scream to God.  I just want to eat my amazing sub.
God allowed me to tell this man that He loves him enough that He has his hair counted and yes He loves cats too (another long part of the story :)
That it doesn't matter what we have done, it's never too bad for Christ.
That He (Christ) can wash it all away.

I'm blessed to be allow to Praise God

We all need hope! it makes life worth living!

Laughter = Tears

Most of my days are filling with laughter.  because I choose. Other days are not, hearts crushed under the weight. 

As I watch the rain pouring against my windshield, I am reminded of broken hearts.  All kinds.  Every one has different struggles and pain. 
Today my heart feels broken. 
Today I feel all alone. 
I know God is above all and in charge of all for other people's pain.  He is a loving God.  But the difficult part is believing He cares about me.  little old me.  That I am important enough that He knows my pain and tears.

Continuing to drive, I watch the rain, then I notice that the rain is streaming up the windshield, not down. My mind is drawn to the verse that God is collecting my tears.  Your tears.  Our tears. They are going up.  To be stored

I imagine rows and rows of jars filled.. with the id# of pkm1981. 
Maybe beside it is written 1,589,456 hairs, then with a strike through it, then added 1,589,440 with 6 new grey ones.

He Cares.  I need Faith  I need to Trust