God simply asks us to say YES

I read this today and cried. I think she and I would be best friends. 

"The truth is we fail. We are inadequate. Thankfully, God simply asks us to say yes. In His glorious way, He can work with you and me. Even when we doubt. Even when we want to run away from His grand adventure called adoption and back toward our comfort zones."

"God sent me a powerful message in China. I fail, He doesn’t. I’m small, He’s big. He doesn’t need me to be strong, together and brave to adopt, survive gotcha day or get this parenting gig right. I simply give Him my trust and obedience, and He uses it."

"Adoption is an unfathomable gift, a “rock your world” kind of blessing that will likely drive you to your knees at one point or another, and probably again and again."

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/07/23/beyond-ourselves/

Follow me, I will lead

Somewhere in the last week, I realized, that I have a new best friend. She follows me everywhere I go, she repeats everything I say, she listens, she brings me tissues when I cry, she hates me, she loves me, she eats with me, she prays with me, she swims with me, walks with me, cooks, cleans, does laundry, and  goes to the bathroom with me. EVERY MOMENT. 

And most days... We love it. Occasionally we don't, and then we cry. And then we get over it. 

I'm learning to love staying at home. It's just less policing to do. I know that's terrible, I need her around kids to teach sharing and no fighting or bossing but....

While at the cardiologist yesterday, I just felt in awe of God... That this precious girl is mine. Totally mine. My daughter. She is so perfect. We don't deserve to be so blessed. But we are.  

She did so well. She just listened and did exactly what they told her too. She begged for more "stickers" after the first test and even after pulling those test strips off. 

She doesn't have any heart defects, Praise God. 

She begs to swim every day and the pool water has been so warm, I can't say no. She is sticking her face in the water with goggles and without. She lovvvves it. I put on 50sunblock and she is still get tan lines. Beautiful glow. 

I remember someone telling me that you don't know true unconditional love until you have kids... And I thought Pthhh. 

All I thought was if a kid tried to give a big bear hug was ahh, where have their hands been? Sticky, clammy. 

But I'm finding they were right...

when it's your own kid... There is nothing like it when they wrap their arms tight around your neck and kiss you and not want to let go. 

We spent three days in potty training with big girl pants and three accidents later... I think she's got it. I'm still not brave enough to wear pants all the time, but she always begs for "big girls". 

She is always asking "Mama sit" or "Josie look". Or telling me "I'll be right back". She has a unmatched desire to SEE EVERYTHING. She wants to see beyond every closed door in every house and every store. She wants to see in everything, over everything, and under everything. Sometimes it just so annoying but I have to remember that there is just so much to see after you get out of a orphanage. 

Every morning she says "daddy work" followed by "daddy fire". 

She hears a siren she says "fire truck, ambulance". 

This morning I was rolling with laugher, she was trying to learn eyebrows and eyelashes. She was touching hers and then mine. She went to see G's eyebrows and her eyes got big and said bye bye.  

She continues to make us snort every day. All day. Most days. Lol. 

She insists to be included in our daddy's home kiss. She will not be left out. 

I counted up the words that I could remember that she says and she is up to 2 1/2 words a day since 2 1/2 months ago. Now, you probably won't understand a lot of those :), She's got a heavy accent. 

I asked Baba what he would add to the blog..he says "she is just soooo much fun. She repeats everything and imitates so much. She gives so much love and accepts it back."  

I see someone that would run through the fire for her :). 

Where is it?

My conversations are just words repeated back to me all day....I shrug my shoulders in exasperation and go ahhhh.  And then those actions are repeated back.  I wonder if I beat my head against the wall if that would be copied too? 

Our conversation about J wanted a clip in her hair...

Me. You can't have another clip in your hair because I gave you one this morning and you kept pulling it out and throwing it.
J. Throwing
Me. Yes, you pulled it out.
J. Out
Me. Do you know where you put it?
J. Put it
Me. Where is it?
J. it
Me. Can you find it?
J. Find it
Me. Yes, if you find it, we can put it in your hair.
J. Hair
Me.  (Shrugs shoulders and sighs)
J.  (Shrugs shoulders and sighs)
Me.  (walks away)
J. (runs to me)
J. Josie get it
J. I get it.
J. (runs to basement)
J. (comes back in 2 mins)
J. I got it. (grinning from ear to ear)(clip in hand)

Me. (has a massive headache)(amazed that 5 hrs later she still knows where it is)(exasperated that she has that good of memory but can't count from 1-5 and I have repeated them until blue in the face)
Me. (understands what my brain seems like pudding/jello by the end of a day)



I need adults.  Ones that are ok with silence.  Ones that are ok with a sloth like movement. 


 

Be still.

She was bathing and said "Josie loves mama" and reached her tiny little wet arms and little lips up to kiss and hug me.

 

First time ever without being prompted. 

Be still my heart. Be still. 

God cares about our little stuff

I remember praying over and over that Josie would love being in the stroller, would love to swim, would love to be outdoors. I begged God to please please even though I knew it was a "dumb request. But I still prayed it because I knew that those things would be a stress reliever for me. 

From day one, she hated our hotel room and wanted out. The was probably due to remembering that's where she was left    but still. She learned to like the stroller that last week in China and has loved it since. She begs to go bye bye and wants outside any chance she can get. The smile that lights up her face when I ask her if she wants to go swim... Well, it lights up my heart. 

Every time we get in the pool... I'm in awe of God.  And I thank Him.  

I thank Him for caring enough about the little things.

Last evening, we all jumped in for a hour after G got home from work. Once again my world straightened. 

Losing me

I just can't, I said... Anymore. This mom stuff is HARD. I want to bang those heads together that say that being a stay at home mom is easy. Because it's not. 

As soon as G came home, I handed her over and went into the bedroom to cry. I'm not working hard so it does make sense that I'm tired but I'm emotionally exhausted.  But I pulled it together once again after giving it up to God. 

I CAN because God has asked me too. I CAN because God will give the strength. 

I think every morning my first thoughts are... Who am I?  Am I still in there? Will I ever laugh and be carefree again? Will my people still love me if I have changed?  Will she learn to love me?  Can I have fun  and be silly? 

Tonight I had my second night away since J (2 months). My coworkers invited me to be on their volleyball team. 

I NEEDED THIS!! 

I can't tell you what this did for my spirit. 

Feet in the sand, running, sweating it out. 

Laughing, teasing, hearing work stories, trying new strategies. They put me in the back of the diamond right where I needed to be. Pouring my new found energy into the ball and sand. Running. Running. 

Call me evil and judge me but I forgot for moments that I was a mom. And that EVERY DETAIL of my life changed in the last two months. 

All that mattered was that I would get the ball. 

God knew I needed that too. He knows my heart is filled with love for J & G and that they are my everything but he knew that I needed that away time. 

Thank you, God, for volleyballs, sand, and sweat. Thank you for a calmed spirit. 

 

Speechless that God picked me

Mama's heart

This morning was rough... Wow. First she woke up with sad crying. We tried to comfort her but she just wanted to get up. When the answer was no.. The screaming started. The kind of screaming that you will lose your voice. And the kicking. Feet pounding the bed. 

We pray for guidance. We pray for peace. We pray for her heart to heal. I pray especially for my heart. 

After she finally fell back to sleep, then the talking/shouting nightmares started. This is the first for that. 

I read it all pre adoption. I'm prepared, I said. I'm aware she will have night terrors and I expected head banging.

Now we have different experiences then that but I know now that you can never be prepared. Lol. 

I can stand the screaming, I can even stand the nightmare talking. But the kicking makes me angry. You know, we all have this image that our children are going to act a certain way. Well, I may as well forget it. All of our children have struggles. But I hate that I can't know what Josie's is. I HATE that I don't know what fears she is facing. I HATE that I don't know how she had been treated.  

This is why I pray for Mama's heart.  That I give her patience, love, and grace. Because God gives it to me even when I don't deserve it.  And I don't. Deserve. It.