Losing me

I just can't, I said... Anymore. This mom stuff is HARD. I want to bang those heads together that say that being a stay at home mom is easy. Because it's not. 

As soon as G came home, I handed her over and went into the bedroom to cry. I'm not working hard so it does make sense that I'm tired but I'm emotionally exhausted.  But I pulled it together once again after giving it up to God. 

I CAN because God has asked me too. I CAN because God will give the strength. 

I think every morning my first thoughts are... Who am I?  Am I still in there? Will I ever laugh and be carefree again? Will my people still love me if I have changed?  Will she learn to love me?  Can I have fun  and be silly? 

Tonight I had my second night away since J (2 months). My coworkers invited me to be on their volleyball team. 

I NEEDED THIS!! 

I can't tell you what this did for my spirit. 

Feet in the sand, running, sweating it out. 

Laughing, teasing, hearing work stories, trying new strategies. They put me in the back of the diamond right where I needed to be. Pouring my new found energy into the ball and sand. Running. Running. 

Call me evil and judge me but I forgot for moments that I was a mom. And that EVERY DETAIL of my life changed in the last two months. 

All that mattered was that I would get the ball. 

God knew I needed that too. He knows my heart is filled with love for J & G and that they are my everything but he knew that I needed that away time. 

Thank you, God, for volleyballs, sand, and sweat. Thank you for a calmed spirit.