For the one

Lost. Dirty. Beyond hope. Alone. 

Don’t believe the lies. 

He is here. 

Worth Celebrating

I was on a Jesus high from our Called Together weekend, hearing how of God’s faithfulness in our new friends stories and in re-telling our own story.

Yes, I was believing that the “house was on fire” behind me and it was totally ok because Jesus had this. 

God has this. 

He does. 

And I still believe that. 

But even while believing ..one day you are breathing just fine skipping along, and the next instant your chest is crushed and gasping to find air when grief hits you out of absolute nowhere.

That was Sunday.  A young man was having devotions and was asking if anyone would willingly give up a arm?  What about a leg?  Of course , no one wanted to. Then he went on to remind us how important each different part of the body is, and how necessary each one of us are. How each person matters to God. Well, that’s what I think he was saying. 

It didn’t even make sense at the time why all a sudden my air was gone.  Looking back, I can see how my mind was processing the words. 

Grief and screams of why.  

My baby girl is turning 5. And still without her mama. Her baba. Her sister. 

No pictures for a year. Silence. Is she still alive? Does anyone hold her? Or sing to her? Or make sure she has a full tummy? Is she tucked in at night with kisses?  Why does she have to pay for what she doesn’t deserve?

Monday night, a friend stopped in and as she sat at my kitchen table, the conversation turned to hard questions about the past and God’s faithfulness. She looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to hear her story of how God had been faithful in the past weeks.  

Oh, please do!!!

She told me that she looks for everyday miracles and shared a few with me. Little tiny things that happen throughout the day that remind us that Jesus is present and that He cares. 

Everyday miracles. Maybe I could find one on Zuri’s birthday. Maybe a half of one. Maybe a itsy bitsy one. 

Tuesday. She’s 5. 

My dear friend messaged early to let me know that she remembered my beautiful daughter and that she was worth while celebrating. Miracle.. I still have friends that love messy me. 

I was planning on refusing to celebrate. It hurt too much. I would throw stones at the lack of decisions that the cold hearted officials could change rules/policies but just flat out don’t care. I was just going to put my “lip gloss”  and ignore the day.

 

But with her words. My heart changed. 

SHE IS worth celebrating!!!  Someone may not be tucking her in tight with kisses. But someone is CELEBRATING her beautiful life!! 

We ARE!!

She isn’t one in a million to us. Her life is seeped into our daily, hourly, seconds of our thoughts. 

Look for the everyday miracles…the words tumbled through my foggy morning brain. 

So while waking up, I blasted our song for her “ Hold Her by For King and Country”.  Miracle..tears didn’t drown me. 

I dressed up in my Asian shirt and my 🐼 and Worth The Wait bracelets.  Miracle..I found a smile.

 

I sat down in the living room for a few minutes to read my Bible verse that pops up each morning to read.  Miracle..the verse. 

Then looked up and see our celebration pictures that we got taken over 3 yrs ago hanging there on the wall staring at me. Miracle.. suddenly the sun was shining in the window making a heart shape glare. 

Finished up the complicated building blocks set that I got for Josie for Chinese New Year. She abandoned the project from close to the beginning because of how hard it was. Miracle..it’s in one piece. Don’t even doubt my words. This set was ridiculous. 

I made a mistake at work that costed my employer a lot. It physically hurt my stomach and I wanted to pay for it. I will never forget his words. Miracle..his words.. “it’s nothing but a thing”.  Miracle.. forgiveness. 

Lord, help me to treat others with respect and dignity and to forgive. Lord, forgive me. 

Josie and I stopped to pick up 5 balloons because a birthday girl always needs balloons and then we sent a few in the air after Gary got home.. just for fun. I whispered prayers over them. Miracle..Josie’s joy. Miracle..the blue sky. Miracle..this green grass. 

We ended the day deciding to go to the local Chinese Banquet.  She had shiny pennies along to make wishes. She was concerned that she forgot to wish. I whispered in her ear that wishes are overrated and that I prayed for her that Zuri would come home. Her smile stretched wide. Miracle..after 3 yrs of praying the same thing, her faith has not changed 

It had been 2 yrs🤷‍♀️ since we were there and Josie acted in awe. 😆. It was so hilarious watching her expressions of disbelief that she could go back as many times as she wanted. Let say it this way… she ate her body weight in food. 

She literally was purring with her eyes closed. 


So yes, Zuri, you were celebrated today.  You are worth celebrating!!  Miracle..her life. 

Are they really beautiful?

They are beautiful, aren’t they?   

This is just the “after” picture. You didn’t see the mess. 

Let me tell you about it. 

Do you know anything about making/melting chocolate?  It can be highly annoying. 

Making the inside is the easy part to these. Melt chocolate, mix things and then cool for hours. 

They have to be cool to make into nice round balls.  

But too warm they turned into a sticky mess.

But too cold, impossible to dig out with a scoop. 

I had all the temperatures this morning. Cookie scoop keep falling apart because it was too hard to scoop. And then too warm and sticking to all the fingers. Chocolate everywhere. 

This is the real. 
Is that too messy for you?

Don’t miss the chocolate handle. 

Easier not to know, right. It may even make you turn away and think, “ yeah, I don’t need that”. You are thinking I licked my hands, aren’t you?  I didn’t, but now you are judging me 😆. 

But it doesn’t stop there. 

It starts to looking better. But if you heat the chocolate coating too long, it will harden too fast. If you don’t heat it enough, it will be lumpy. And if the chocolate has sat in the store too long, if might not even melt at all. 

If the chocolate balls are too cold and the coating too warm, they will look all beautiful and then seconds later, it will crack like ice. 

You can try to hide the imperfections with the white drizzle or it may actually get worse while it clumps up and refuse to drizzle. 

Do they still have value?

If I was to sell them, they have less value because they are imperfect. And now you know all the “dirt” on them. Cracked and broken. Way less value. 

But the one that created them , they know what they are made of … the same stuff they always are and that they are delicious. They have no less yumminess. In fact they are even more beautiful because they know all the little tiny things that made them into who they are. 

You get where I’m going with this?  

He knows. He is your Creator. Messy, broken, temperamental but YET He loves you and knows your value. He sees how all the tiny things are making you into who you are. And you are beautiful. Don’t allow others to judge you for the mess you are because what other people think about you does NOT taint what your Creator thinks. Oh, how He loves you.

In all honesty, I have been struggling to see what God has been doing in my life. I keep looking behind me and instead of just being content right where I’m at right now. 

I have had to apologize more times than I want to admit this week. 

So. Now. I have a choice. 

I can grieve every moment for Zuri and in the pain fail to notice the beauty of my dearest Josie. 

I can grieve relationships that are broken and fail to invest in my dear faithful husband right in front of me.  

I can throw temper tantrums about how my best friend moved away and fail to see how God has given me an extra best friend. 

I can feel like God is not present in my current issues of creating miracles in all the things that I deem as urgent and miss His little love notes in His word. 

I can focus on how everyone is having a grand time doing all the things and focusing on how they have it all together and I don’t but then miss how God is showing up in my monotonous every day life. 

I don’t want to do that!

I do not want to miss a single blessing that God is sending this way because my attention is focusing on the wrong things. 

Help me, Jesus!  

Help us, Jesus!

So tell me about how God is working through you. Even in your mess. I don’t want your perfect. Just honesty. The real stuff. Like is your freezer full and overflowing like mine? Or did you just kill 20 spiders in your basement like I did?  And can you find God’s blessings in the middle of it all?  

And if. 

Just if you can handle my messy honest chocolate pictures.. I would love to put your name (local friends obviously) in a drawing to win a box of perfectly imperfect mocha truffles to someone that can be honest with me. 

Gratefulness and Grief

Mother’s Day is a tangle of emotions. So grateful for Josie but right along beside that, too tangled in to separate, is the grief of missing Zuri. 

This quote ripped itself off the page and bled into my heart. It means that someone understands that even through the tears of pain that it doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the joy of my daughter here by my side. Pain and joy can coexist.  

“I used to try and wrestle myself

out from under this great pain.

And I just came to terms with

the fact that I am a woman who

carries grief. I am a woman who

has absorbed immense sorrow,

that will always be woven into

me. I have memories that will

never not hurt.

I don't have to paint myself a

different color. Happiness isn't

holier than grief. God has

created space for both. We can

be both. We can be all of it.”

 - NIGHTBIRDE 

She turns 4

Monday was Zuri’s 4th birthday. 

Grief can come in all kinds of waves and ways. Can you grieve every moment that you are missing with someone you never met?  You may think it impossible. But I know the truth.

I find myself holding onto J more tightly than before because.. well because I can, because she is here.  Pulling her in towards me.. feeling her heart beat against mine.

My friend, Jenny, gifted me a Bible study on the book of Habakkuk for Christmas and we have been working through it together slowly, finishing it up today. It was as if He knew I needed this, and had her pick this one out. Oh, right, He did. And then what are the chances that we would be finishing it up on Zuri’s birthday week. Yup. He knew. 

This is just my Habakkuk version…

Habakkuk questioned God about why He was allowing evil to overrule God’s people.  He pleaded for God to COME and help against the violence and injustice. 

God answered and basically says “I’m giving power to a terrible evil nation to bring you, God’s people, down because of your sin!”

I can literally hear Habakkuk respond “WHAT?! Lord, You are holy, pure!  You can not tolerate this!” 

I picture Habakkuk propping himself back against the stone wall and biting his nails, stomach churning, waiting to see how God is going to answer his complaining. 

(We don’t know how long Habakkuk waited, but God was NOT silent. He came close. Wait in faith.)

God says, “Look here. Pay attention. Something is coming. It may seem slow, if so, then wait. It will be right on time!

Look at these humans, they think they are so important. But their souls are so empty. 

Let me remind you, the person that is living in Me, they are not empty, they are TRULY FULLY ALIVE!!  

(Yes, unbelievable, but Jesus exchanged our sins and gave us His righteousness. We are alive!!!). 

He continues to talk about the sins of greed and oppression of others to the point of murder.  Talks about dishonesty, violence, slavery, taking advantage of others through drinking and sex. Oh and don’t get Me started on your homemade idols. They can’t do squat. They can’t talk, wake up or breathe. You will be paid back for all of this. You think you are having the time of your life but you are going to pay.

 

But don’t give up now. Have HOPE. 

The earth is going to be filled with My glory. Entirely filled. I’m in My temple, and the earth will become totally silent in awe. 

(To me this is where the Gospel happens. Sin, pain, destruction…but then here comes JESUS. Filling the temple. Filled with His glory.  So BRIGHT. All my eyes see is bright shards of lightning light.)

Then Habakkuk prays

I have heard alll about your fame, Lord!! I’m stopped in my tracks, fallen in my knees. Repeat them NOW. Along with judging, don’t forget mercy. God, You are on the move again. Your power comes from the mountains, Your splendor covers the heavens, Your brilliance is like light. You stand and shake the earth, You break apart mountains, hills sink. You split the earth with rivers, mountain shutter just by You looking at them.. You march across the earth, stomping nations. You save your people!!!  You crush the wicked!!

When I hear this, my stomach does flip flops, thinking of His power, His awe, His judgment. I stammer, shuttering, my bones feel weak and almost fall to the ground. 

Disaster is coming. I’m waiting for it. 

(And here comes some of the most beautiful words in Scripture. In the middle of all the“crap hitting the fan”, total disaster, he says, “yet I will rejoice!!”)

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights!!

The main kicker is~

Habakkuk realizes that “there will be no food, no income”. He is still choosing to rejoice. Even still. 

Because he had reflected on all of God’s characteristics and the ways that He had provided in the past, he could know that God has a plan and is control. He could rejoice. Even still. 

Oh these beautiful words…“Yet I will celebrate in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!”  

This is calling me to stop. Stop saying “What if” and start saying “Even if”. 

I will never truly understand the ways of God.  Habakkuk didn’t.  I doubt you will either. God has provided in such unique ways in the past. Unexpected ways.  So we will reflect on His past ways of faithfulness!  We are called to say “Even if……, I will choose to worship!”

I picture Habakkuk crumbled on the floor like me. With shoulders shaking, wild streams making new paths on cheeks. But yet, a hand weakly trying to raise in worship.  Reaching. Trusting that God will come. That He will draw close. 

Giving up the cleaning keys

I have been cleaning for 3 years instead of the short little jot that I assumed. 

It was a gift of a job (every other Tuesday evening) that just dropped in my hands while we were doing adoption paperwork for Zuri. It didn’t feel like a gift/blessing every time that I cleaned though. Some I loved, other nights I hated.  Gary begged me to quit time and time again especially when I went through a period that I was so incredibly tired that I barely could get through those 3 hours. 

But so often, it was a time to reflect on the week. I spend so many hours praying for broken things all around me…relationships, crashed hopes, grief, and pain.  Crying to Jesus to heal our broken hearts. But I also spent even more hours worshipping my Magnificent Creator, my Lord, singing and dancing to praise music!

They were short in help and knew I had optical experience but I have been out of fashion so long, I didn’t feel like I had it in me. They had filing back up and asked about that. Sure, I said, if I can pick my own hours and so some evenings for a short period of time, I stopped in and said my alphabets. 

When Gary has training and meeting in the same week, it seemed like it ended up in the week that I cleaned. It felt tiring… and we want to be home together and I had picked up another part time job in the meantime as well. So I decided to give my notice. 

It went incredibly weird when I called to tell him that I wanted to quit. He had been so kind to me, being flexible if I wanted to switch evening, being ok if I had to bring Josie along with me, even inviting me to their Christmas party, giving me a year end bonus… so this made it even harder to say that I wanted to be finished. It felt like a “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup. Because it really was me.. he treated me so respectfully. 

I continued a few more times, and then he had a new lady come in one evening for me to teach the ropes. And then it was over. 

I had to drop off the rags, and key the next day and I was surprised that I was almost in tears.  What?!  I wasn’t sad about not cleaning. 

But this was supposed to be a short thing until Zuri came home. But here we are. Map jerked out from under us. Still waiting. It’s like the gps that you were using in the jungle caught on fire 🔥… and it’s nighttime. The animals are waiting. 

I glanced down at my phone with water filled eyes as I rushed back to my car. I opened up fb just to distract me and right in front of my eyes was the flavor of the day that I had been waiting for at Everything Cheesecake. So I threw my days plans to the wind and immediately headed my car to 81S to Martinsburg thinking about the good in the middle of the cleaning dirt. 

….

*When Josie and Gary stopped in and helped those nights when I just couldn’t barely put one foot in front of the other. 

*When Janette or Glen sent me a sermon to listen to. 

*When my favorite song would come on and my vacuum cleaner felt lighter. 

*When G and J stopped in with hot pizza. Or a cold Rita’s. 

*When the Lord would lay on my heart to send a message, or song, or sermon to someone. 

*When tears would turn to praises. 

There is a rawness of heart in the solitude.  So be raw. Because God already knows it all anyways. 

Father's arms

These lyrics are running, oh running through my scattered thoughts.  Little bits floating here and there and come to consciousness in random moments.  

I picture a child standing on a ledge and dad standing on the ground with his strong arms out wide waiting to hold on tight in the freefall.  Look into my eyes, precious child of mine!  Trust me, I'm here. I chose you.  I'm not going anywhere.   

Why do I ever doubt you?

You always do what you say You're gonna do

Why do I ever doubt you?

You've caught me every time before

So why does fear try to glue me to the floor?

Looking down from up so high

There's a battle inside my mind

You keep telling me I'm made to fly

I'm gonna jump into your arms, into your arms

I'm gonna give you all of me, everything

I'm never ever looking back

Fixing my eyes on you

I'm gonna jump into your arms, into your arms

Safe when I'm in Your shadow

I'm holding on and You're never letting go

Meet me in the free fall

I know You're faithful

You come and rescue me

Every time

You are trying to face your battles alone and the tears pour down privately and yet you will only show your brave to others.  Share your heart.  I know, you will say, "no one will understand".  I get it, I feel that too.  But I beg you to help me to know that I'm not alone.  This walking alone is going to crush us.  Search for Him with me and I will remind you that He is faithful, He will meet us in the free fall.  Yes, He is even on the bathroom floor with you/me.  And He in bed beside with you/me with the endless tears.   He is our Rescuer.  

Hear Him whisper.....Look at Me.  You are made to fly.  Trust Me.  Jump into My arms.  

Lyrics from Nonah Jump