my thoughts on the previous post... Never Alone song

This is for one of my besties... for J!

I know it's been a hard day.. some days are so hard.. that it's impossible to trust, to believe, to have faith. 

I will never forget when I heard this song for the first time.. what a dumb song.  I just didn't get it. at. all.

Until one month of my life...where I felt like God was asking for me to give up my dreams.  to give up my hopes, my love.  He wanted surrender.  I didn't want to let go.  The battle continued.
I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs.
That I couldn't pray.
No one cared.
Husband didn't understand.
I was being pushed under water.
And held there.
Where are you, God??
Where?
No answer...
I couldn't dream why God would ask me to give up "good ideas" of mine

But others were praying, lifting me up..

And one day is the middle of darkness, I heard this song.. tears.. everywhere.  Here God is my heart.  I will trust in the unknown. Trust that You, Lord, have a better plan than I do.


"I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone"

BarlowGirl - Never Alone....

Dreaming of Heaven

Yesterday.. Sunday.. I thought of heaven and God alot more than normal.  We were blessed to be invited to Dance Thon for the Kids at Penn State.  We were included as family for the day of a sweet amazing little boy that fought cancer with all of his precious heart but God allowed him to go home... to glittery, sparkly, breathtaking Heaven!  Our hearts feel suffocated in longing to see him.... so we dream of heaven.....

To describe Thon... is that you can't describe.  I have been to plenty of stadiums and packed HUGE buildings for concerts and whatnot. But that was nothing like this. nothing. To see the stadium and the pit packed with college kids and all their families and friends in support of and to hold up the cancer patients and their families.. it. is. mind. shattering.  And when I say packed, I mean like you can't move. packed.

And the Energy! of what happens when lives come together for a common cause!
United!  we couldn't do this on our own, neither could the dancers.  The dancers start at 6:00 friday night and do not sit down until 4:00 sunday afternoon.  Life takes others... to hold each other, to encourage, to cry with, to laugh with, to face the good and the bad. 

Hug a little tighter, Love God more diligently, and definitely Laugh harder!  Treasure these memories. 

My kitchen looks like a bomb exploded in it, laundry piled up, studying to do and I can't stand it.  But does it matter??? seriously??  Why do I focus on all "these" things?? 
Pray with me that I can become focused on loving people and God!

will i finish what i started?

2 weeks down, and 4 more to go for boot camp.  it's definitely a love/ hate relationship.  It's not bad after you get there and then 30 mins into it, it's so hate.  and then 30 mins later..ah, that's good. :)  i may have a touch of bipolar. 

having a valentine party tonight and no food made yet.  I'm sure this is a problem, but on the good side, the table is set.  We could just order in pizza or something if all else fails.

monday first day

First day of boot camp yesterday.. I'm still living :)  and it could have been worse.  And i'm sure it will GET worse.  Trainer's shirt read "STOP WHINING". lol.  ssso i'm sure it will get worse!  L came over and walked/ran with me this morning.  fun :)   kinda in hopes it will help me from getting stiff. 

I'm still kicking

I was sooo worried about going to the gym this morning to get tested for boot camp.  oh, and Sonia was so great.  May me feel ok.  like I wasn't the wippyest kid ever.  So monday is the first day.  starting at 6am. oh, yeah

Gym Class Heroes: Stereo Hearts ft. Adam Levine [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

am i enough?

If anyone asked me if i was enough, i would answer with a resounding no.  but today, i decided that i would answer yes.  maybe to the world, i will not be anyone, or do anything important, or be strong enough and smart enough.  but Jesus gives me everything i need to be me.  and with Him.  that. is. enough. 

studying apostle Paul's life.  I want to be him.  I want to be passionate.  and be driven.  i give up so fast.  i may want something really bad, but then i get tired. and give up. 

this week, i have been trying to run.  my legs hurt, i can't get my breath. and i can talk myself into a halt. just like that.  it's a mental game, i play.

But Paul...he had a passion and that was it.  someone or anything was going to talk him out of it.  even threatening his life didn't work. 

I want to be like him. so in love with HIM, that he would lay down his life for HIM.