Yes, Jesus!!
I wanna remember everything that the Lord has done.
I wanna be grateful.
I wanna be.
I wanna be.
I wanna be.
Thursday, November 26, 2020
Grateful
The moment I want imprinted on my memory from this Thanksgiving is.. choosing to turn the music loud and just praising Jesus by raising our hands, dancing, and singing. My mind flashes to King David and the dancing in the streets. I don’t want to “waste the rain”.
Yes, Jesus!!
Yes, Jesus!!
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Heading back into video school
I can not tell you how wonderful Abeka has been since Covid. Last year Josie and I made it through. It went well enough that we looked it to homeschooling 🤭. I can’t still believe those words came out of my mouth. But our school started back in session at regular time and Josie wanted to go so we were at peace with sending her.
But I would be lying if I didn’t said that occasionally I wished that she would be home with me. I mean.. after school she has homework, piano, and vision therapy. It feels like we don’t spend enough of time together. And she is growing up so fast!! 😭
So yesterday we got the email that our school decided to close down for two weeks just for a precautionary safety measure. It was just a blessing that it coincided with our Thanksgiving vacation. So we will only have to do 6 1/2 days online.
After you receive an email like that.... your mind runs all over the place.
1. Oh bummer this is really going to mess with my plans.
2. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
3. Oh this is really cool ...I’ll get to sleep in and spend more time with Josie.
4.Ughh..I feel guilty actually thinking that this is a privilege to have Josie home with me...when other families are struggling to figure out how to handle all their schedules. And other families are struggling with their health.
5. Day two is all the days that it will take for me to want to pull my hair out of my head and send her back to school.
6. I am so incredibly blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom.
7.I need to STOP feeling guilty about thinking that we will enjoy this. God certainly don’t want me to sit around and whine.
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
Uncertainty of the Future
It's rather funny thinking that our favorite song right now is Matthew West's song Truth Be Told. The chorus that I heard Josie singing this morning while getting ready for school was.."I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not. I'm broken"...maybe she talking about her mama :)
This past week as a crusher for me. The stress of all the news surrounding the election wore us down. As if we needed any more disappointing news...then we got a note from CCCWA that which they said (in my words) Stay home! The hope that was inside of our hearts, hoping, oh hoping that by some miracle our little girl would be home for Christmas was smashed. I spent the day sobbing and unable to pray, because it is just too much for the heart to bear.
Then came 3oclock pickup, so I get up and say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine.
Then came Sunday. I figured, I'll count the books in the library just to get through the service without breaking. You know ..every single song, prayer, and of course the sermon was about going through hard stuff and still trusting God, Him being our refuge, surrendering.... and even Gary's heart leaked into his eyes while leading songs. He was thinking about Zuri and how it felt to hold sweet little Josie in those early days. Counting books will never distract enough to stop the tears from spilling.
It was hard to admit.. I just can't pray anymore. For some odd reason, we are afraid to admit it, out loud or silently.
And then again this song played.."There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin you don't already know so let the truth be told."
He already knows.
I suspect that these weeks will continue to flood our eyes. I don't want to do Christmas. I don't want to sit at the Thanksgiving table and be thankful when a chair is empty. I don't want to give away the clothes that she already outgrew that she never wore.
But He already knows. And I hope that He gives me back my hope.
Wednesday, October 21, 2020
Time is both Creeping and Flying
Time is both creeping and flying.
Josie just hit her 1st quarter at school. I don't know of any child that loves going to school so much. But the homework, piano, and vision therapy after school can be overwhelming to her. Oh, and she just started to wear contacts 👀.
Gary is still cruising back and forth from Winchester just wearing those tires down. Corona sure has made his job harder but he rarely complains.
My fall busy season of online quotes has slowed down. So I started refinishing my kitchen cabinets in hope that it would make a month disappear. It did and I'm still not done. Seriously, the stain would NOT dry and so it was days/weeks of waiting. waiting. waiting.
And Zuri...well, she is still waiting too.
Waiting. Makes the days almost seem impossible but..
This is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other....
God is not up there pacing back and forth wearing the finish off of the floor in front of His throne. He's not even tapping His fingers together thoughtfully nor saying "I'll just go to sleep on this one and see if clarity will come in the morning". He isn't so stressed out that He decided to go out for a run to clear His mind nor decided to binge eat Doritos. He just doesn't.
HE remains SEATED on His throne! That means that He has it all under control, even if we don't feel it.
But every day instead of banging my head against the wall, I plead for Jesus to hold her for me. And every day I plead that He would allow a miracle to open the hearts of the all officials that could allow travel. Then a hour later, I do it again.
I find it annoying that at the beginning of the year, I chose the word TRUST. Ha, I even wrote it in fancy letters and hung it on my living room mantel, placing it under my little girl Zuri's picture. On those rare moments that I sit down and prop my feet up... those letters are staring right back at me.
I guess God knew clear back then that I would need the reminder. He's got this. Just trust.
Wednesday, August 5, 2020
She's just the cleaning lady
When we started the adoption paperwork, I started looking for little ways to make money. God gifted me a cleaning job (groan). I wasn't sure that I liked the gift. It's been a love/hate relationship over the the last two years.
My friend asked me if I liked it yesterday and I said, "its ok, not terrible for a cleaning job". Then while cleaning last night, I got to thinking...
I think that I could fill up both hands the amount of times that one of the employees there said "oh, yeah, she's just the cleaning lady". And every time, I feel myself rise up inside in irritation.
But last night, I started making a list of ways that being "just a cleaning lady" has benefits.
1. God gifted me this job for this time
2. He knew that I would need time alone
3. I can sing every third word if I want and no one will laugh at me (you know who you are!)
4. I can even dance, hop, or raise my hand to Jesus while sweeping without any care
5. I don't have to appear to have any answers, because I am JUST the cleaning lady
6. I have hours to think without anyone interrupting me
7. I have time to pray
8. I get paid more per hour than I did for working 10 years at my last job :~/
9. It's in the evening, so sometimes I get out of nightime duties like flossing dear J's braces. Ha
So yesterday I should have said, "it has been a blessing!!".
And if you don't remember your "helpers" names, just fake it and smile and thank them for cleaning your toilets.
Thursday, July 16, 2020
Nothing new...
On the spur of the moment, we ran away for a little. It was such a wonderful peaceful time filled with laziness sunshine, and salt water and it dulled the ache off of our hearts for a short time. But as soon as we got home, the elephant crashes back in and sits back down on our shoulders. s but the truth is... p jobs right now.
Our sweet girl... every picture, breaks the heart a little more. Yup, they chopped her hair off. Wahh.
We were invited to a teleconference call with The Office of Children’s Issues (OCI) which is part of the U.S. Department of State. They didn’t really tell us anything new, but wanted to hear from us (the people that have children waiting on them and that are just waiting to travel. There were 400 people on the call. They encouraged us all to write our stories to them. They are hopeful to get a meeting with 2 individuals that are higher up in the CCWA in August if they are lucky. All the visas that they have specifically requested as of now, have all been refused.
China still has a travel advisory 4, which basically means that they suggest not to travel but you could ignore it if you wanted to in normal situations. But this is not a normal situation soooo....we are still waiting for the visas to be unsuspended. We also have to have a travel approval because that basically starts the paperwork/medical/government appointments that we need in China to legally adopt.
I guess we (as in the adoptive community) hope to make enough of noise that it makes a difference. As for me, well, hopefulness has long disappeared.
So I eat chocolate and hourly pray that God will increase my faith.
I wrote the letter that they asked for so you can pray that something in it will strike a heart and make a difference! Continue to pray that God will prepare Zuri's heart for our family! It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that you can love someone soooo much that you never meet, but that's God for you.
So I eat chocolate and hourly pray that God will increase my faith.
I wrote the letter that they asked for so you can pray that something in it will strike a heart and make a difference! Continue to pray that God will prepare Zuri's heart for our family! It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that you can love someone soooo much that you never meet, but that's God for you.
Our sweet girl... every picture, breaks the heart a little more. Yup, they chopped her hair off. Wahh.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Home bound
Tomorrow will be four full weeks of being house bound (actually I’m not sure)(most days I can’t figure out what day it is). But the Coronavirus is still growing and now school is off until the end of April as of now. Probably all of this school year.
First week of homeschooling was supposedly optional but it really wasn’t. Then the second week, we started Abeka online that is mandatory. I know our teachers were/are working incredibly hard to figure out how to tell us parents simply and clearly what happens next. And I thank you!!
With that said.. we still struggled. But we completed another week.
When we found out for sure that we will be homeschooling for alot more weeks..I told Josie, “I’m sorry that you are missing your friends and teacher, (but with faith in my heart, I tried to say confidently) but we can DO this!”
And even after uncountable times of google help to pronounce/find the meaning of words and buckets of tears (mostly from me), Josie said, “This is fun, maybe we will do this next year, I don’t really miss them.”
What?!?
I honestly don’t know if I should be stinking proud of her or check her into a attachment disorder group.
Anyways... we set up a desk area for her and organized her papers. It’s getting a little easier.
Anyways. She is the most forgiving person in my entire long life. I had no idea that when becoming a parent that she would teach me more important things than I could teach her.
But we have had so many fun times too... we got to snuggle while doing reading, go biking, pretend to play tennis, draw with chalk, do Bible videos in bed, learn to make pizza crust, try new foods together, and so many other things.
This schedule change has been hard in many ways. For both Josie and I. Trying to balance work and school. Missing all of our friends. Her always touching and me needing a bubble. And then allll the news. About COVID 19. And death. And fear of the economy crashing. And waiting for Zuri and all the unknowns of how she is doing. And when will we travel. And Dad’s chemo.
My constant prayer is asking God to take away fear and grant peace. And He does. But then I have to ask again. And again. Because I’m a slow learner apparently.
We celebrated Zuri 2nd birthday with balloons, birthday banner, singing, and a ice cream birthday cake. We chose joy into tears that day. It is soo hard being a world apart. But God granted us a little miracle that day.
About a month before I searched high and low for a way to get a care/birthday package to her. Our usual woman wasn’t replying to emails/her website, so we assumed that she was shut down due to the virus. Then I asked on one of my adoption fb groups and a random lady said that she had a friend that lived in China that can do them. I felt like we were kinda risking losing money by trusting a stranger but decided to give it a try. She allowed us to pick out things that we wanted and then we waited to see what would happen. Several weeks later, the week of Zuri’s birthday, I again messaged her seeing if it got there.
Then on Zuri’s birthday, I got a fb message that had pictures and 2 videos of our dear sweet girl!!!!!! It was such a surprise and so special! We had hoped but never dreamed that we would get anything and felt like God whispered into our 💕 hearts.
In February, one of my church ladies asked if we wanted to start a fb page to encourage us in having a goal of 100 miles until the end of April and drink 1/2 of our body weight in ozs. And I was ALL in. I look back on it and see how God was in the little tiny details then so that I would survive now.
Because of this challenge.. I have started to “run” again. I put it in quotes because it’s more like a hippo waddling. But still, I’m trying. It truly has been keeping me out of the looney bin. Just when I think I just can’t anymore.. I go out and breathe the fresh air. Honestly, running at dawn or dusk is the best. Especially if you smell fabric softener from a running dryer or freshly mowed grass. Both make me instantly smile.
Tonight it was already after dinner and I didn’t get my 3miles in for the day. I thought “maybe I will just skip, I’m so tired!! It will not be a big deal!” Then I looked at the calendar and saw that it would be the first day that I skipped for four weeks.
Nope.
Nope.
And I headed out. Can’t be a quitter. And like always..it was just want my brain needed. I jogged slowly then a turtle for the entire 3 miles.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Friends that truly Get It
My friend (that had been waiting for years for her daughter) came today to visit me.
Her and I. Shoulders brushing, sitting on the couch leaning in over our girls pictures and videos ❤️❤️❤️. Just in AWE of their beauty. Craving to be able to hold them. Just to see if they are being taken care of.
It is utter joy to have a friend that “ just gets it!” That delights in every little move and smile of your daughter along with you!
Most people think/or say...”in God’s perfect time” you will get your child. Or “you don’t even know her, you can’t be attached!” Or...“It just like being pregnant, you just have to wait!”
Hmmm. No.
In God’s perfectness.. there wouldn’t be sin in the world. Nor brokenness. We would just be hanging out (no pun untended) in a perfect world with our perfect Lord.
But sin entered the world and crapo has been happening ever since. We long for our daughters. We plead for viruses to diminish. Court dates to take place.
Monday, February 3, 2020
Keep Walking
I knew that I wanted to adoption a little girl from China in my teens. Why, you may ask. I have no idea other than that God put it there because there was no doubt that this was my dream.
Fast forward to my boyfriend.. I, of course, (because I blah blah blah about all things) told him of my dreams but we never took them seriously because we were super young (like babes) and in love. We got married, I just turned 19 and he 21. We will talk again in 10 years we said. Silly kids, we were, buying purple carpet and the whole works.
The dream never completely disappeared..and one day Mr said, “we need a little girl from China!” So at 29.5 yrs old, (China requires both parents to be 30 to submit a dossier) I started the papers. Miles of papers and forms that I waded through.
4 yrs later, we are in China with Josie. Our dear beautiful perfect child that was my dream for my entire life was terrified of me. I reminded her of all of her caretakers that left her and she wasn’t going to trust me a inch. She was grieving beyond anything we could imagine and we sobbed with her. It was hardest thing that we had walked through as a couple. And it was going to either going to make us unbreakable or entirely break us. G became our backbone and continued to show us how to be faithful to Jesus and so gentle to both of us girls.
Gary, Josie and I were in a elevator in China after being in a hotel lobby where Little Miss had been running away and attaching herself to any given male. She was even caught digging in a stranger briefcase, sigh.
But back to the elevator story...The strangers (Caucasian) in the elevator asked, “ Are you adopting and how many children do you have?”
We firmly answered “One! And it will only be one! We will never do this again!”
This couple threw their heads back and laughed. “You WILL be back!!”
And we thought that they were out of their minds. Totally out of their minds. Amen.
Baba headed back to work, Mama went into some deep stuff as she settled in at home with a 3 yr old that was going through even deeper stuff. Surviving barely through the day and then grief came in stormy waves at night. Her sound of her grieving cries still haunt us.
We tried to cocoon (isolate) as a family for bonding and with that came a deep setting loneliness.
But through each day, joy did come! With each smile and laugh, the grief started to lighten. In every mile stone, every new thing! We were so over the moon and felt like our little tiny family was perfect. It was complete.
A year later, God obviously already working on our lives, we started wondering if Josie should have a sibling.
We can’t afford it was my excuse.
“You remember how hard it was” was G’s reasoning.
Another year slipped by..
Then we had the grief of losing a young friend, dear friend Jess, at a very young age.
All a sudden, life seemed disastrously short and made no sense at ALL! Jess was one that when she was talking to you that she made you feel like she could see into your soul and that you were the most important person in the world at that moment. She shined Jesus and loved so well.
Is it better to not love and then be spared the pain of loss
or...
to love so much that even in the middle of the heart crushing pain of loss to still feel blessed to have loved?
We came home from her services and both agreed that God was calling us to adopt again, to just laid down fear and to trust.
To some it may seem odd, like why now, but we had personally seen the strong bond of sibling and parent love.. so strong...that they would give anything and everything up just to have her back.
About two years later we were still waiting to be matched, Josie celebrated her 1/2 birthday at school. Apparently it was the best day ever.
That night at bedtime she prayed, “Dear Jesus, please bring Baby LuLu home by my real birthday”. I choked up. I wanted faith to believe that God could do that.
The next morning I was traveling to Janette’s after I dropped Josie off at school. I was going to sit with her through her surgery. It’s a hr drive and I was busy thinking about the verse that says “if you have faith like a mustard seed, and believe, you can say to that mountain “move” and it would move!” I tend to ask God gently for prayer requests because I do want to be in the center of His will.
But this morning I was bold. “Lord, you say that you can make mountains move and today would be a good day! Josie prayed for a miracle to happen by her birthday and You can make my phone ring today with a referral, and for this to happen, you need to get the paperwork right where it needs to be. And Lord, I’m NOT going to be surprised if my phone rings today and that it’s going to be AWAA (our agency). In fact, I’m going to figure on it ringing today. (But then I added.. “but, Lord, I will not be upset if it doesn’t, but I’m expecting it!”).
So Janette is in surgery and I’m settling in the waiting room counting down the hours watching it snow. I even had a notebook ready, just in case I needed to take notes.
And my phone RINGS and YUP, it’s area code 703. I would like to say that I wasn’t surprised, but I remember staring at the phone in disbelief.
Sure enough, it was Aimee (our family coordinator) and went on and on about blah blah blah. (My brain was spinning and wondering if she was just calling about some paperwork or needing updates, or renewals and that this was going to be some joke to my heart).
And then she finally said it ..We HAVE a referral for YOU. The rest of the phone call felt like it had been switched to mute and all I could hear was the swishing of blood pounding in my heart and head.
Then a few minutes later I was sitting in the waiting room of a hospital looking at the face of my daughter for the first time. I felt like I couldn’t breathe but yet wanted to dance. (I’m guessing to anyone looking on, I looked like I had a physical disorder). I was so excited!! God answered my prayer!!!
But then by evening, fear had settled in along with Satan throwing accusations at me. “You can’t do this again, you are a failure already, you don’t have faith big enough to move any tiny little ant hills let alone a mountain”.
You see, Satan knows your weak spots, the soft areas where your armor lets exposed.
Gary had lost his voice over this time.. You know..where I needed a voice, one louder than the voice in my head. We needed to do mountains of talking but yet we didn’t. God has a funny sense of humor.
Before you can tell China yes, you need to have an International Adoption Doctor review the file and try to translate the medical terms into things we understand. And also ask the orphanage for a update (you may or may not get one). And when we finally got that all back...(seemed like forever)(I kept refreshing and refreshing my email all day long, every day)....
then we say YES, kicking our fear to the curb.
We just have to keep coming back to God’s faithfulness and His answer to our prayer.
After we say yes.. we realized that it was Jan 16th. Exactly 2 yrs later of when we made our decision to start again. The same day, that we will remember Jess and how she touched our lives and hearts forever! I have no doubt if she was here on earth, her face would have lit up in joy.
Fast forward to now... We have this beautiful little face in our minds constantly. She will be 2 in March. We are so excited. I want to get all of Josie’s little clothes out and see if we have any tiny enough for Zuri. I want to buy a carrier, room monitor, bottles, and shoes. Cute little shoes. I want to feel all the excitement of getting a travel approval.
But all travel is stopped. I may not need little shoes. Or tiny clothes.
And Josie just cried herself to sleep because she is lonely.
Zuri lives under 10 hrs away from the center of this Coronavirus. If we just knew if she was safe. If we knew when we will get to travel. It’s just a nightmare that will not go away every single night. And it continues into the days. Haunting our every waking hours.
We just keep repeating to ourselves that God knows our path. To just keep leaning back into His embrace. But the tears still sneak out and overflow.
Just keep praying for us to continue to trust that God has our story in His hand.
And pray for China.
Sunday, February 2, 2020
We been matched!!!!!!!!
Hey friends! Guess what??!?!?
We have been matched with a daughter!! We are beyond excited! Josie has 🐜 in her pants already (who am I kidding..I do too!!)
We were told we would travel late March but.... as of now, there is NO travel plans due to Coronavirus.
Hold our daughter along with the rest of China up in prayer!
Soooo, who wants to meet her??
She is stinking adorable 😍
Here is how that will happen.
This is a fundraiser to raise a few dollars toward expenses. Each square is $10. As the squares are purchased, it will begin to reveal her name and picture.
You can pay through PayPal friends and family (gary272@myactv.net) or contact us directly.
For each square you purchase, we will write your name on the back.
Locals will be put in a drawing for Chocolate Mocha Truffles made by yours truly! You know you want them! :)
Updated! Her face has been revealed!!
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