First night away

So camping this weekend was the first nights away since China. 

She seemed excited about sleeping in the tent and talked about going bye byes all week. 

She also wanted to take all of her toys along. It almost seemed like she was afraid that we were not coming back. 

She would say Mommy and Baba bye byes. And then say in a questioning voice, Josie bye byes? 

I was reminded of her fear and crying when we were packing up in China to move to a city and then packing up to come home. Sometimes I wish that she could tell us the memories and emotions, but we just have to imagine and try to be more understanding if she has meltdowns more quickly. 

We had a better than expected weekend, but it's time to go home. Most people wouldn't pick up the changes but they are there. 

She doesn't want Mama to hold her. She stopped asking to use the restroom and had too many accidents. She is higher than high energy. It was a fight to get her to eat.  And she started this weekend to tell me a flat out NO. Nicccccce. 

She did sleep for basically 9 hrs both nights even with a nasty runny cold in cold weather in a tent with lots of noise around us. What a blessing. It is such a change from the screaming we used to have. One time I checked on her and she had all 3 blankets over her head, so I took them off her head and laid them over her. She immediately stirred and pulled them over her head again. I wonder if she is used to sleeping in the cold? 

G had so much fun introducing her to the little rides at Knoebels :). She loved the rides even though her little heart just pounded. And immediately begged for more. She got introduced to cotton candy, funnel cake, caramel apples, and mountain pies. 

I was groaning about Josie's back slide of actions on the way home. But it was as a light switch turned back on when we walked through the door... She couldn't get done kissing, hugging, and being held by us.  She ran through the house yelling, "yeah yeah yeah"!! "Baba home, mommy home, Josie home". 

Little things

Does anyone else notice...

That every time you go to put on bed sheets, I,100% of the time, will start putting the short end on the long end

That every time you sit down on the toilet, your child acts as if they are in a life threatening situation

That grocery shopping is almost heavenly without your toddler 

That good parenting goes out the window when they can't sleep at night and then neither can you. Here is a box of markers .. Graffiti the walls, eat them, I don't care, just stop CRYING...please. See you in the morning. 

But do you also notice those little things that God shows Himself?

That night that you sneak in to look at your sleeping child and whisper extra prayers over her, that God gives you extra good night. 

That awe I feel everytime I go swimming with Josie.. And she acts like a duck with her head in the water..and does barrel rolls and begs for her goggles.  That love of swimming was a direct answer to my prayers.  And sometimes it's easy to think God doesn't care about little things. He does! 

That day that you just can't go on, trying to do too many things and sooo much more work to go, then God speaks love into your heart with a box sent in the mail from a old friend. My eyes tears up in how others allow God to work through their lives to bless and lift up others. I want to be like that. 

That devotions WAS exactly what your heart needed....In awe again how God knows what my heart needs now.  

That cotton candy drink that your dearest brings in the door that just made the entire day ok. I want to be a better wife, I want to deserve that love and cotton candy drink.  But the thing is, we will always be so imperfect. We can only strive to be more like Christ!  

That moment when you just to bang your head from trying to get your daughter to count from 1-5 or even 1-3..but she will continue to count .. 1, 2, 5, 2, 5, 3. But then she goes and learns most of the alphabet. Unbelievable how God says.. This isn't about what you want, I have better things. 

Her newest phrases are "read Dr Seuss" "I do it", and "good morning". 

We have 70% good nights and the going to bed struggle is WAY better. 

She begs every single hour to "read mommy". 

We are even trying camping this weekend. I'm exhausted and the first night isn't over yet. 

People will continue to say "what a amazing thing you have done by adopting. 

No thank you, there is nothing amazing what WE have done. Not a thing. Not a single thing. I fail every single day. I thank God that God doesn't look at yesterday and the failures but when we ask forgiveness... Then it's cleared. Start over, people. 

But what God HAS done. It is mind blowing. We just can't imagine life without her. We can't get over how beautiful she is. 

How strong.

How she throws her little arms around our necks and holds on tight. 

And loves even through our faults. 

Only GOD. Only Him. 

Soul beauty

My soul aches to have the beauty so deep that it pours out...

And that we can see pass the outside of our bodies and see the purest beauty from within. 

That's my prayer for you and me. 

What you doing?

My friend texted me and asked "you ok, you have been quiet this week". 

This is me trying to have devotions..

This is us eating watermelon...

This is me hanging out wash for the first time in 10 maybe more years...

This is me eating her cereal after she fell asleep~~ hey, I didn't have lunch...

This is her sleeping against me for only the second time in 3 months...

This is what three months can do...

This is sharing a coke...

This is us drinking coffee together...

I want to share the joys this week... We may struggle but it's also beautiful. 

This is what we strive to be...

May God just reach down and pick you straight up. Strength those weak arms. May you see light in the darkness of the tunnel. 

Boot Camp

I used to sign up for boot camp classes from 6-7 in the morning. I miss them. I miss it. Loved loved. Yes, it was a love hate relationship. All I focused on was staying alive. 

But I have no money for such ridiculous things. Especially when there is free bootcamp. 

Namely a little daughter that terrified of the lawn mower that she needs held. 

Hmm, so I pack her up when I mow the lawn. That would be a push mower, btw. All 27 pounds that somehow feel like 100 million. And she is happy as a lark. And sleepy. 

Being perfect... Not happening

This is raw honestly here... Please go away if you are perfect. Because I don't like you. I have tried to be transparent. But it's hard. Hard to admit out loud. 

Miss J is a joy. A treasure. Priceless.  We love each other 96% of the time. But....

The other 4% of my day..... I struggle. Please tell me that you all struggle just a tiny tiny bit during the day. Anyone?!? Please!! 

The struggle of motherhood is real and in a way I feel all alone. I feel like I can't tell you the truth.. That you will see me as a crazy lady. This IS what I've dreamed for for years and now I'm stumbling.  

I have no idea who I am. 

My tastes have changed. I have no energy. In fact, some things that I would have a LARGE opinion about, well I don't care. Most days I'd rather be alone.  Who is this person? 

My world has changed. My coworkers that made me feel normal in the past, well .... I don't have them any more. They know the imperfections of me. They wouldn't expect anything else.  

It just doesn't feel the same to talk to my husband or any my other friends. Pray that I would be able to open up face to face. 

Good mothers are always put together. Right?  Perfect right?  I feel as if I'm not allow to break. Not allowed to have off moments. 

I need to be perfect like the other moms with their hair all nice and multitasking and with a smile on their face and a gentle voice all while being a encouraging and uplifting wife, mom, and friend. 

Well, I suck. I'm a terrible all the above. Maybe social media makes me realize this even more. I just don't have it all together like the rest. 

Sometimes I feel like I can barely guide my own feet. I can barely return text messages. I don't want to be alone, yet don't want to be with people. I don't want to exercise but I feel unhealthy. I want time away, but yet don't want to be left out from the family. I don't want to be  second place. I don't know what I want to eat other than pizza and sugar.  I mean, sugar straight up. 

Brown sugar. My mouth is slobbering just thinking about it. Especially the hard clumps. And my brown sugar doesn't have any because I have a brown sugar bear. Pthhhh. I need more.

And I'm frumpy. I feel larger than ever, crazy hair, snot on my shoulder, dark circles under my eyes,  and unshaven legs.  My one friend told me that is NOT how I look, but that doesn't take away the feeling. Yup, the word frumpy sums it all up. 

In the past, I have been called bipolar and needing to be put on antidepressant meds. Yup. Of course they didn't tell me that to my face. I have never ever felt like that but... Who knows, I suppose. Just imagine what they are going to say now?!?  

I had a short but sweet God sent conversation on Sunday with a friend. I had to go home and cry. I badly needed some one to tell me that I'm ok. And God say ok.. "Here she is. She's going to tell you that you are ok." 

Do you know anyone that worked and was married for years and then turned into a stay at home mom with a 3 year old?  Please tell me her name.  I need her. 

I read somewhere that it only takes 30 days to start a new routine. Then WHY is it taking so long. We are coming up on 3 months. :) 

I'm guessing it takes 15 million years to erase bad habits. Like selfishness. I see my heart. I see that all of the struggles falls back to the sin of selfishness. 

I didn't realize or recognize it before I became a mother. I AM selfish and momhood is about giving up everything. It's not about me anymore. 

Even though these moments are short, I think of them so often. Think of my short comings. I continually pray that God can me become a better mom. A less selfish mom. 

Perfect ... Never

But more of a God filled mom.