Is God really Enough?

I gave my testimony in church Sunday morning. Oh course, I cried. You know it. Even after I demanded my tear ducts to clog themselves... And did they listen? no. 

But I get tears every time I think back on those moments. 

I was in China with a team that I had met just 3 days before. We visited a orphanage that day that you could see the neglect in the children. It was just too emotional for me to handle. I held my tears back that day while I was with the children. But I broke as soon as I sat in the bus to head back to our hotel. 

Totally broke. 

I need my person. Yes, the team was great and they prayed with me. They could remember their first time. They remembered the shock, the anger, the helplessness, and the love that flowed through your veins all at the same. But still I needed my person. Gary.

That was the only time on that trip that I had no internet connection. I frantically tried and tried. I needed him to hold me over that phone. 

I was a needle in the haystack. I felt so little in the whole big world. So little. So little that maybe God couldn't find me. I was on the other side of the world, for pete's sake.  And I doubted God. I doubted God's plan as I looked at those precious children that wasn't being loved or cared for. What was fair about that precious little boy that was dropped off that day?  It's not fair that the parents most likely couldn't afford the medical conditions... And they had to make a decision that will haunt them for the rest of their lives?  Why, I screamed?

I remember well, when I gave up and curled in a ball in that bed and cried out to God. 

God was enough that night. 

God was there... Even when everything else is gone. 

He is here now too. He can still be enough. I just have to curl in. 

A page out of Lies Women Believe book...

"Christ is all I need, all that I need". It's one thing to sing it in church but when we walk out of church into the tough and tumble of life... Do we really believe it?  

We wouldn't want to breathe the words out loud that 'God isn't really enough' but sometimes the way we live reveals that's what we believe. 

When it comes down to it, we don't believe God's word is real enough to deal with our problems. Oh yeah, it deals with everyone else's problems but it doesn't speak to my issues, my needs, my relationships, my situations. I need God's Word AND these 8 books; I need God's Word plus tapes and conferences and counsellors. 

Sure, I need God. But I need Him plus close friends; I need Him plus good health; I need Him plus a good husband; I need Him plus children; I need Him plus a job that pays enough; I need Him plus a house with a microwave, a washer/dryer, a garage, and a fresh paint job. 

Do we truly believe that God is enough, or we looking to other things or people to fill the empty places of our hearts-- food, shopping, friends, hobbies, vacations, our jobs, or our family?

The void can only be truly filled by one thing... Jesus! 

Our Adoption Announcement and update letter

Hi Family, Friends, and Prayer Warriors

It seems as if a lot of water has gone over the dam since I last wrote a letter.  Our dream from many moons ago of adopting a precious little girl from China has finally happened.  God decided it was time.  People telling us that God’s timing is perfect while you are waiting seemed wrong in so many ways. But now looking back, we see how God worked in our lives during those months and years preparing our hearts for Josie.  We just had to wait till God found us OUR daughter.  We are in awe every single day how blessed we are to be chosen to be her parents. 

 

So you may have figured it by now, that this is all about Josie.  Yes, we have become those annoying parents that just can’t stop talking about our child.

We received her file on Dec 23, but China didn’t approve us officially until Jan 23.  After all the paperwork and legal stuff was finished, we finally got to meet our perfect beautiful daughter for the first time on Mother’s Day, May 10.  Mother’s Day wasn’t all warm and gushy as one may expect, as the grieving hit her hard.  We struggled, fumbled, and grieved as we watched the most heartbreaking moments of our lives as she lost everything that she ever had known. 

Four months later….I’m not sure where to start with the difference.  Only God.  Oh the sheer joy that she finds in every little thing.  She is changing every little thing about us too. 

She screamed, grieving, at night, she now goes right to sleep and mostly sleeps through the night (crossing fingers now that I said that).  She threw everything that she didn’t want, she now rarely throws.  She didn’t know to hold her hands up to be held; now she is pretty much always asking “hold me”.  She hated being read to, but now Dr Seuss’ books are her favorite and she carries them around begging us to read.  She would throw a fit if we tried to relax with her on any flat surface, now she loves to “snuggle” (although normally taking people’s eyes out).  She didn’t prefer her mom but now if she can’t be held or helping or watching me, she is wrapped around my ankles, literally (disclaimer.. this is at home, unless dad is home).  She liked dad, but now she loves loves him and it is her highlight of the day when he comes in the door.  She would only eat noodles, but now, mostly everything.. but noodles, grapes, Lucky Charms, and jello are still at the top of the list.  She wasn’t into hugs and kisses, but she will not be left out on a dad’s home hug now.  She HATED with capital letters to be buckled into anything, now, she wants to be buckled in even the shopping cart.  And don’t forget it.  

We forget sometimes that only a few months ago, she knew no English.  She is learning so fast.  She recognizes her ABC’s minus 3J.  Although she just told Gary last week that U was for “you come down” (Zacchaeus song) when it used to be “umb wa wa”(umbrella).  Oh, ok, then.  We aren’t traveling too fast in the number department but we may get there… next year.  Her counting method today was 1,2,5,7 and then she complimented herself, lol.. “big ga” and “good ga” (girl).  Really…

She loves people, I’m not sure if she has ever met a stranger.  Oh, unless you are about her age and have to share toys, then she will struggle with liking you and will often respond with a loud NO.  We are in the threes, people.   Tonight she asked, “company?  No, no company tonight.  She said, “naughty, fight, Tyrone”.  Ha, apparently she remembers well.  

About a month ago, she had just eaten fruit snacks and cereal for being good and then promptly ate a lunch of leftover steak and mashed potatoes, grapes, and oranges.  Large amounts (I was worried about her getting sick, belly bulging). Then she asked for more grapes.  Me, being the sweet Mama (lol, who am I kidding), said No. “Candy”?  Still No.  “Burger”?  No.  “Cheerios”?  No.  “Oranges (insert J throwing her head back and laughing)”?  No.  “Coffee (insert J giggling)”?  Triple NO.

 

She stole our hearts long ago and is already busy twisting our arms. 

 She has taken to the pool like a fish.  She loves to wear her googles and do jumps, rolls, and anything else she can think of.  She begs for her life jacket to be taking off so she can go under and explore.  She knows G is for googoo googles, at least according to Dr Seuss’ ABC book.  She has an unmatched desire to see everything.  If we visit, your every closed door is not safe, although we try to contain her.  She needs to see in every drawer and behind every door.  You see, it’s a brand spanking new wide open world to explore. 

We love to find similarities with her. She loves the pool and music like her Mama and never misses a chance to dance.  She loves to eat fish and hates to get her “mingers” (fingers) dirty J just like Baba (dad in Chinese) and likes to dress up with her fire coat to be like him. 

Every day, we think of the blessings of being able to teach her about Jesus.  Our hearts melts just a little more, each time that she begs for “God is great” before meals or just randomly during the day and when she calls out names in the middle of our prayers.  

May you have a blessed fall and remember to be beyond thankful this Thanksgiving.  We are blessed in so many ways.  May your Christmas be filled with joy.  We can be forgiven and have joy because of Christ.  May your New Year be filled with awe as God speaks to us through all the little things of life.  We need not to fear the unknown future because we can trust in the One who made it all.

 

Love to you, Gary & Paula & Josie

Our words

My heart was crumbling under words that were not spoken well. No, they weren't meant to hurt but they did anyways. My soul wanted to lash out. 

But how does God do it every single time that I open up my devotional that it fits perfectly for the struggle?

A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. Proverbs 25:11

The influence of God filled words is inestimable. May we beg God daily for good words, because unfit words are not acceptable. 

May the words of our mouths and the mediation of our hearts be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, our strength and our Redeemer! Psalm 19:14

Not another

It's getting harder and harder to be real. I have people tell me they read my blog and I think "oh, poo, please no, no, no, not another".  I started this blog as a dumping spot for my strangeness. Hence why my name was Jamie on the blog.  I just wanted to write but didn't want it read.  But then it turned into a adoption journal of sorts and then my people turned into prayer warriors.  You are my people. My prayer warriors. But I still just can't for the life of me figure out why you want to read it. 

I look at the views, and it makes me want to come to a screeching halt.  Lock it all away. Inside. I don't want people to know me as a mess. I want to try to fake it. Pretend that I have it all together. Pretend that I rock being a mom, wife, and friend. 

But then.....

..Someone tells me that I'm not alone, that they have emotions like mine. That they struggle too. 

..Someone's eyes tear up because they understand that parenting is the hardest thing we will ever do. 

..Someone realizes with me that we are too small to do parenting without Christ.

..Someone thanks me for being real, because it's rare. 

And I'm praying for...

Someone to be called to adoption by God. And that I can be by their side to whole entire way. 

You may see the struggling in my little ridiculous life, but that's just my selfish will being molded slowly by God. But what I pray you will see is that Josie is priceless. Beyond words priceless!  Those REAL smiles and giggles make our world go around. I pray you see that adoption is just as a amazing miracle as birth. In my opinion, a larger miracle.  And I pray that God will call more families to adoption. 

Oh ok then, back to my realness..

I forgot to feed my child breakfast one day this week. How does this happen?   I was trying to help others, got out of my routine and then in the chaos, I forgot.  No wonder she was flighty, even more than normal. I asked my friend.. Don't kids tell you when they are hungry?  Apparently, they don't at a young age, they just get cranky. 

I cried, what kind of mother forgets to feed their child. Seriously. So later we stopped and got fries. Yes, I was trying to make her forget that she has a dud of a mom. 

Parenting in my OWN house is just way easier than being away. I can look away from her more than two seconds and be ok with it. The larger the amount of people, the larger the oversimulation. She reminds me of a drunken dragonfly that has no pattern of flight, but on super high speed. Just darting here and then there. 

But at home... It's really not like that. You can read her a entire book while holding her. Or occasionally, I said occasionally, I will find her sitting quietly on the couch. Or she is wrapped around my leg.  And she listens to me. These things NEVER happen when people are around.

 

I tried to donate some time this morning for a fundraising yardsale and I'm not sure if I was any help AT ALL. I left early and to tell you the truth a little depressed. It's JUST so hard.  To try to help and keep your dragonfly in sight.  It's going to get better right?  Or do you learn to just chill out after awhile and let her fly aimlessly in any direction and be ok with it? Comments that were not directed at you at all...but you end up taking them to heart because your heart is so bruised from your own self rated failure. Do you learn to stop that to?  

Parenting is a 100% of every minute job. If they are things to touch, doors to open, kids to grab from, and air to breathe then... I might as well not figure on getting anything else done ;). 

May God give us patience more abundantly than we can imagine this week.