I just can't make the words tumbling in my mind go away.. In fact I was in the middle of ironing and I just couldn't stand it, I just needed to write.
So here is the subject..
How to comfort others when life is falling down on them and it feels like there is no air to breathe?
A friend while waiting to find out if the medical tests came back positive
A friend that had to bury her daughter.
A random stranger at Walmart that bursts out crying
A friend sitting by a bed in the hospital
If you know me at all, you know that I have trouble keeping my mouth closed. And along with that, I have no doubt that I have speared a few hearts with my words. And I AM SO SORRY. I'm a huge lump of clay that I pray that God doesn't stop carving.
A cousin called me today for a address and then we got to talking about loss and grief. She shared how words spoken can literally tear a soul apart when it is already broken. She basically said, "Paula, I should tell you this... You, even though you haven't walked through what I have, you are compassionate and listen and you can tell you care."
Those words will follow me through a lifetime. Not because I ace them, no, not at all. This is possibly the only time, that I did it right and I have no doubt that the Lord spoke to her, not me at all. But they will stay with me, because this is who I want to be.
Words, they are so quick to either lift up or tear down. I'm sure you have experienced both, the joy and also the pain that they can cause...
So I say..
Don't go and compare your loss to theirs (yours may have been huge, but they are still different)
Don't say how someone that you knew died with the same thing (really??)
Don't say Oh, she was just stillborn (as if the length of life determines the value)
Don't say God allowed this is happen so that "XYZ" will happen (come on, PEOPLE!)
Don't go and try to fix it (you can't)
Don't say if you were living right, bad things wouldn't happen (no words)
Don't give medical advise (unless the ask for it, but still be careful)
As it felt like the sky was falling on my friends...
One said, "I just don't want to be alone, just be with me."
Another said, "Remember silence is heart breaking too"
Another said, "I don't want to hear about strength through loss or working things together for good or how our story will touch so many or that everything happens for a reason."
It seems so contradicting.. Be present for some, but give space for others. Don't be silent, but yet speak and be present.
This is incredibly hard for me, because I'm a fixer along with sometimes silence makes me uncomfortable.
So we rush to say words.. when instead we should be choosing our words slowly.
My friend Laura Gross wrote...."There is NOTHING anyone could say to make this better. Nothing. Words can be such fickle things once they leave our mouths and go out into the universe. Hugs however, can never be misinterpreted. The stillness of sympathy is underrated. Sometimes support simply looks like a quiet reaching out, a showing up in love. True compassion is often about just being there, being present, not with the perfect words or a Bible verse, but through silently sharing the burden of suffering. Remember, Jesus wept with His friends too."
I try to put myself in another man's shoes and picture how I may feel. If I lost Josie, or if I sitting beside my dad's bed as he slowly died, or if my son was in prison.
Would I still believe that God is good all the time? Or that it will all work together for good?
I would love to hear from you, your experiences from both sides, good or bad. Can we learn from others so we will not make the same mistakes and be the light of Jesus in a hard, hard world?
So.. maybe the moral to the story is
Show up.
Hugs often can say, what words can not.
Listen.
Pray for wisdom to know when to speak and when to be silent.
