You may think all the posts of mine are about struggles..
Yup, mostly, because I write when my heart is ripped open, when it hurts to breathe.. cause it helps me heal.
I just can't stop thinking about others that have had to give up dreams.... given up children. Miscarriages. Cancer. Accidents. Bible stories..Moses's mom, God allowing His Son be beated~killed, Abraham willing to sacrifice, Hannah.
Received the call yesterday. At work. G's skin cancer may cause potential issues in our adoption process. They even used the phrase "may be declined". So here we go.
People say there are two kinds of people. You are either a fighter or lover. Both of those require a fiery spirit. But I wonder... Today I'm neither. I want to be a quitter. I would lay on the couch and not be able to feel what my hands are holding, be numb, hardly able to wiggle my toes. And be content. Put on my eye mask, turn on the music. Pretend that I'm not me.
God has a bigger picture,
I can not see.
I can't see the colors.
Could it be that I am just called to have a passion for China? Maybe to affect someone else to feel the pull. Maybe like Moses' mom, I have to give her up for the sake of God's bigger plan? Maybe she is for someone else's family? Maybe I need the lesson to give up my dreams, hopes, life. Just so I can learn to lean ALL on HIM. Trust.
Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again.
I know it's hard to remember sometimes, but you gotta keep your head up.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Fear
Fears.. do you have any?
G took me to see "The odd life of Timothy Green". It has adoption weaved into it and I just knew I needed to see it :).
The scene that just ripped my heart...
(the docs told them that they had tried "everything" and there was nothing more that they could do to try to have a child. They went home, knowing all hope crushed. But they just couldn't get up their dreams yet that night. After writing down all the characteristics they hoped their child would have on little pieces of paper (like funny, never give up, musical, would score one winning goal),
they put them all in a box and buried them.
In the dirt. In the garden.
My tears wouldn't stop..my heart ached.
This is my fear.. that my long long dream of adopting my china girl would be crushed. What if? What if it never happens? What if God never picks us? What if God thinks we won't be good enough parents?
NO, LORD! Please no! Don't make me bury my dreams!
But G's little words whisper in my ears, that even through pain and unplanned plans, that yes, God can bring good, possibly better plans.
Give it up, P.. God is whispering, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
So let the waters rise if You want them to, I will follow You
G took me to see "The odd life of Timothy Green". It has adoption weaved into it and I just knew I needed to see it :).
The scene that just ripped my heart...
(the docs told them that they had tried "everything" and there was nothing more that they could do to try to have a child. They went home, knowing all hope crushed. But they just couldn't get up their dreams yet that night. After writing down all the characteristics they hoped their child would have on little pieces of paper (like funny, never give up, musical, would score one winning goal),
they put them all in a box and buried them.
In the dirt. In the garden.
My tears wouldn't stop..my heart ached.
This is my fear.. that my long long dream of adopting my china girl would be crushed. What if? What if it never happens? What if God never picks us? What if God thinks we won't be good enough parents?
NO, LORD! Please no! Don't make me bury my dreams!
But G's little words whisper in my ears, that even through pain and unplanned plans, that yes, God can bring good, possibly better plans.
Give it up, P.. God is whispering, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
So let the waters rise if You want them to, I will follow You
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Why China??
So many people ask... Why China?
It's a long story, but for a short answer..God!
I have had the dream of having a adopted China girl since a teenager. And I didn't even know anyone with adopted children at that time. We looked at all the programs that AWAA had to offer because I wanted to make sure that God was leading this desire .But even with the long wait, we still felt the call to China.
We have no idea how long the wait will be. But I am longing. I want God to hurry up. But I do know that this is God's plan, so He will also know the perfect time. And we don't want to rush His plan and our girl until God says.
Today we went to hear "The Angel Tour" (orphaned children singing and dancing). We could feel our hearts pulling and tearing for the pain these children have suffered. Why them? Why not me? The questions are endless.
One thing that I'm am SURE of is... there are NO orphans of God. If we ask, "all" of us can because God's children. And He will never let us down.
It's a long story, but for a short answer..God!
I have had the dream of having a adopted China girl since a teenager. And I didn't even know anyone with adopted children at that time. We looked at all the programs that AWAA had to offer because I wanted to make sure that God was leading this desire .But even with the long wait, we still felt the call to China.
We have no idea how long the wait will be. But I am longing. I want God to hurry up. But I do know that this is God's plan, so He will also know the perfect time. And we don't want to rush His plan and our girl until God says.
Today we went to hear "The Angel Tour" (orphaned children singing and dancing). We could feel our hearts pulling and tearing for the pain these children have suffered. Why them? Why not me? The questions are endless.
One thing that I'm am SURE of is... there are NO orphans of God. If we ask, "all" of us can because God's children. And He will never let us down.
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