Snowed in

I somehow managed not to gain weight over the holidays which was a miracle of itself because of all the boxes of chocolate covered cherries but all bets are off in this snow storm. I feel like a bear getting ready to hibernate. And I may be going a bit stir crazy. 

I finished off a box of nerds. I noticed on the box that it advertised that there was "no artificial flavors". You can blame it on the snow storm but seriously who cares. For instance, if you were buying nerds and eating them, you are eating straight up sugar. Sugar is amazing but doing so is going to give you diabetes. And then add the dye to color them.. Well that is going to give you cancer or something. By this time you should NOT care if it's real flavors or not. But that's just me. 

So we have made creme brûlée. And ate snow ice cream twice. And laid around and took a nap and ate more and then ate chips. A lot of them. And then trying to keep J from jumping, bumping, picking and everything else one could do to a fresh from surgery lip. That my friend is a never look away job. And will take a act of God to protect it. 

She had a lip revision to take a bump off of it yesterday. She couldn't eat or drink after 7am until her surgery at 11:30. She was so brave and seriously didn't cry the whole day. Even being put to sleep nor when waking up. She basically woke up running. Oh my word. Please. Just. Make. It. Stop. And SIT. Wait, I forgot she did cry once yesterday when we took her towel away in the bathroom because out of habit when she dried her hands, she would wipe her mouth. Apparently it's a crime to take a towel away. She has only twice complained of pain and has been sucking noodles last night and today like nobody's business. 

I was strong all day for her and not even worrying about her nor the snow heading our way. Untillll... We got home from the 1 1/2 hr drive and saw that she had somehow wiggled a stitch loose already. I just broke emotionally. I just felt like we had God's job of watching over her every second to keep it from happening again and I knew that we were going to fail. Thankfully people pray. I felt it. Thankful for NoNo's too (keep her from reaching her face). God kept us through the night. 

And we woke to boat loads of snow. 24inches. Plus drifting. 

This was J's first snow with us. We made it outside for 5 mins. Maybe 10?!! She loved it, although a bit tough to walk in for a little child. She face planted 3x's... But that was softer than face planting into anything else, I guess. 

We didn't even shovel our way out yet. We did clear out around our heat pump as we really really don't want to lose heat. 

Break us, Lord

My word is Grace

I am choosing grace for my word of the year. Why?  Because I find that giving it is easier than to accept it for myself.  And I need it.  

The answered prayer this past year is... Josie

The biggest blessing...Josie

The hardest thing this year...Josie. 

But this parenting stuff is kicking my hiney. So let me start by telling this mess I am. 

I am reading Jen Hatmaker's book For The Love. Not only is she funny but she is jerking my soul out. 

Every

Single

Page

is what my heart is needing. What my heart is longing. 

We adults need encouraging words probably even more than the little ones do, because our hearts are so heavy. 

Jen H. spoke into me about being real. And truthful. Just tell the truth. 

Ohh, we get our big girls in knots with our fears of what others will say or think if only we were honest. 

If I'm honest and say I just weep in a puddle of a mess sometimes, will my critics suggest what meds I should go on? What will my always smiling, always got it together friends say? What will they say if I admit I struggle?  Better yet, if I admit that I struggle with being a mom, and that Satan attacks me just about daily. 

"You aren't good enough, you are too firm with parenting, you should be doing this way! You know that adoptive kids never turn out, right? You are the reason that she can't sleep at night. She would be better with other parents. You are so weak, you aren't strong enough, you are too impatient. You skipped your devotions, I'm going to win today. You aren't even strong enough to lift up your friends. Everyone's got it all together besides you. Don't you see their kids are free to run, you are such a mean person. She going to hate you. See their marriage, they are still in honeymoon stage, even after 15years. 

you are a FAILURE."

Just this morning, I may have or may not have said in a loud voice "stop crying, today is Mommy's day to cry" and then promptly bursted into tears. #mommahugefail. 

But if I hear other moms doing this, I would cheer them on. In fact, I'm clapping.  

I would give them grace.

They deserve it. 

But I just can't seem to accept that grace for me. 

God said that He removes it. Our sins, our failures, our mistakes. 

As far as the east to the west. 

Why can't I wrap my heart around that?

 

Why is it so easy to accept others faults as ok, because well, everyone makes mistakes. But then we hold ourselves up to a higher standard. Our mistakes are not allowed. So not acceptable. 

Period. 

I want to draw close to God this year and feel that unmeasurable Grace poured out on my soul. That when I fail... That I still feel His love pulling me up and accept His gift. Yes, undeserved, but still given. 

Given to me. 

Given to you.