Happy Birthday from God

G told me that I may get a birthday gift from God.  Snow! :)  Btw, why does everyone rush out and buy bread, milk, and toilet paper?  I kinda understand the tp, but bread and milk?? wha?? 

I imagine G and I snuggled in for a long winter nap because we have a foot of beautifulness white fluffy stuff and we look at each other and say "Let's drink milk and toast toast".  HA, no.  Maybe let's start the grill and have steaks and shrimp.. And wine.  lol. 

So forget the bread and milk, sorry bunny trail

Back to the gifts from God, I told him that I got three gifts from God already.  Going to China.  And getting a full night sleep last night for the first time since back from China (a week later).  And being able to feel pain and happiness.  What a Blessing!!

I'm thinking especially for blessings and being thankful for them. In church on Sunday, we all shared what we were thankful for.  I had so much to share, but just two sentences choked me up and started the tears.  I saw a lot of pain last week.  But I'm thankful for that pain, because God granted me my wish to see the babies.  I often think, that it would be so much easier to not be aware, to not see, and hear, and feel the pain.  I have prayed so many times in my life that if God would take something away from me that it would be tear ducts.  I realize now, that tears are a gift.  God allows me to feel and to cry so that I involve myself.

True Beauty

I was thinking about how we DO pick ourselves apart.... I remember when my friends and I were talking about this over a delicious meal..... I may have replied wrong, I hope I didn't, but this is what I was trying to say. I never look at my friends and see or think of them as overweight. 

True friends look at their amazing characteristics and how blessed we are to have them. We see the true beauty ,their insides, and how that makes them shine.

check this out!!
http://myfriendteresablog.com/so-youre-feeling-too-fat-to-be-photographed/ 

Turning toward God

I was saddened by what I had seen but I wasn't surprised.  I had hardened my heart, trying not to be emotional, I was trying not to think, so in denial. 
But Wednesday was the day that all the weight of what I was really seeing fell on my heart. What it took was a little boy just dropped off that day.  He was a darling.  Maybe about three.  I just couldn't imagine how a mom could walk away.  I know that it was the hardest thing that she ever did, but she did it so that he could get help so maybe one day he could walk.  Seeing our docs and therapists surround him with hugs and smiles and later with prayers for him, his mom, and his nannies.....priceless.  That is when it fell on me, the weight of it all.

I imagined cotton candy and rainbows and only a few tears snuck out.

But later, the rain began to fall.  Our team made certain that we got together to share and pray, but I couldn't.  I prayed that God can hear my heart through the pain and my sobs.

I was frantic to talk to G.  My wifi wouldn't connect.  I needed his calming affect on me, I knew if I could talk to him that I would be ok.  All evening, nothing, I kept waking up in the middle of the night and trying to connect. 

Early early in the morning, it hit me, God wasn't allowing me to use my Dearest "closest to my heart", as a crutch.  He wanted me to be in the ocean without a life vest to grab.  He wanted me on the other side of the world of all I have ever known without anyone.  He wanted to show me that together we can walk on the rough water,  that He did and still can CALM the storm.  He wanted me to after chase Him.. Him only Him.  Only then, did I give it up, Lord, I can't do this alone. 

It was as if the the rainclouds cracked open and music seeped through into my soul. 

I'm Chasing You, Lord! I want to be where You are!

I'm Home

I'm home... jet lag, heartbroken, and weary. 

Too weary to talk.  People want to talk about it and I am just too weary.  My heart is still wide open and bleeding  to share.  I knew it was going to hard to come back, but I just didn't know how much.  I believe that my girl is born, and she over in China waiting for me.  But now I am not only in pain waiting, I now know the conditions that she is in or could be in.  I can't help the 100+ children that we saw, but I could help one.....
but God hasn't brought her to me, so I continue to feel helpless. 

Wednesday and Thursday in China

Happy Friday morning
>
> I've never been a backpacker, but I'm feeling it. We are on the move everyday to a different hotel ( besides one night). You pack everything you think you will need plus a little more in your backpack. I just about moisturized my lips with a battery. It felt the same, give me a break.
>
> Yesterday was a fabulous day. Because Wednesday was not. Weds was good for the amazing team that joined us, but the kids ripped our hearts out. There are some memories that will stay with me... The nannies yelling at the barely toddlers to walk up the stairs, silent tears, rows of metal baby cribs, the smell, the sad faces, the mental delay, and the little boy that was dropped off just that day...
> That was my meltdown day. I tried to think happy thoughts, cotton candy and rainbows so the tears wouldn't sneak out.
> We got to go to the beach to refresh our souls and asked our translator, Rock, to take us to western food. They were hoping for McDonald's (I was not, ridiculous to be on the other side of the world and eat mcd, Hello). We were still in our scruffy clothes from the long day of loving on the kids on the floor. Sure enough, Rock took us to a high end restaurant with individual soft couch like chairs. And the waiters wore clear plastic chin shields (I'm guessing so they didn't breathe on the food). Hilarious, sloppy Americans.
> We meet again like we do each night. I has been such a blessing to be able to get together to share, pray, and cry with believers. Our team has been so unified, only God could have put us together like this.
>
> So yesterday we visited a much better (as far as teaching, loving on the kids) orphanage after driving five turning into seven hr gorgeous drive. So happy to see these kids faces lightening up. And I fell in love with a healthy 12yr old boy.
>
> Random..
> I have figured out how to pay for small items. Chopsticks are great. Squatty potties are not so bad. Not using tap water to brush your teeth is hard to remember. I love the travel, it's ggggggreat. China hotel mattress are like concrete. Chinese breakfast are fabulo, baked beans or corn on the cob, not a problem. We were quoting a native that you shouldn't use a taxi at night cause that is when the bad guys come out (Rebecca was listening, and she said, what?!? We don't have brack people, ha). Bring your own toilet paper. Love the traffic. Scooters can hold a entire family. Seen a lady with a toddler in front of her, and behind her, a little older girl holding a baby while driving and texting! You can buy seaweed Pringles. Love!!
>
> Paula

China day two

Good morning! It's Wednesday morning. Yesterday went much better than I thought, my stomach was in a knot with worrying. I think it was because I only six hrs of sleep (my body thought it was a Sunday afternoon nap) and I knew how complicated the dictating was going to go. Doc Jordan has a very different personality then me but again he was amazingly patient and so quick to show and teach.

I do need to complain a little, After two days, I haven't got to hold any children in lap yet. I am so busy, I just don't get to love on the children like I want to. I do get to hold their little cheeks, rub their shoulders, tickle, and pull them into a little kinda hug. Our job is the hardest for the kids because they don't like being examined. With the teachers, they get toys to play with and a fruit gummy snack. All they get at our station is poked at :). Their special needs doesn't upset me, but the fact that if they have a one on one mom and mental attention, because if they did they would thrive!! Very much! But this orphanage kids are very well loved on by their nannies. You can see the attachment. You can see the nannies joy at the kids happiness.

I'm getting to see and feel things I have read about and researched about. As useless as I feel in the middle of all the medical lingo, I feel like this is right where God wanted me to be. It is also humbling to see and know how much work has to be done before our trip even begins. It takes a huge amount of planning and a great system to see that many kids through the checkin, photography, doctor and the teachers smoothly.

Last night, two orphanage directors took the team of nine, two leaders, four translators, and the bus driver out again (they did it the first night too) for dinner. It was their way of honoring us!

Silly note....

the meal cost about 450 (divide by 6? for US dollars) for 18ish people for 8 dishes plus soup and drinks. If you are pouring your own drink, someone normally rushes over and about grabs it out of your hand so they can serve you.

One of leaders of our team is allergic to soy which translates into all Asian food. She is a pro at shifting her food around and looking like she is eating. Another one hates Asian food. It's just one of the ways they can sacrifice.

Our leader/guide/organizer, Rebecca was talking about speed limit, and it sounds like spit limit. When she is on the phone she switches back and forth between the languages forgetting sometimes. She is hilarious. We have so much fun teasing her.

It is wonderful to see what therapy can do for the kids and to hear from the nannies that after a year they have improved walking or talking. The doctor often asks me to take a pic of a abnormality for the child's file. I feel like I'm photography for all the things I read about but never seen. It is such a learning experience.

Today is going to be in a much worse conditions. Please pray for guidance even in the nannies are " not" present. We prayed that The Lord would prepare our hearts because this orphanage is going to be a lot rougher.

I just don't have the time to say all that I want to say but thank you for continuing to pray!! I feel those prayers, and emotionally I am doing ok. Love!

China on Monday

Hi :)
> I can't post here in China, but I'm having Gary post for me.
> I can tell your prayers are with me! I haven't been too overwhelmed or emotional. God is definitely giving me a calmness that I don't normally have.
> After 36 hrs of travel, we arrived at our hotel, to get five hrs of sleep, then to drive four more hrs to the orphanage. We (the doctor, translator, nanny, and I) assessed 16 kids today. We are given 20 mins each. My head is overflowing with medical info and teams that I never heard of. A few times I wanted to throw my hands in the air, I am to be typing the info into a iPad. And if I was to pick out my worse weakness, it would be spelling. The doctor was the only one that I didn't "bond" with in our traveling and was very nervous. But he was amazing today, he was so patient!! He wrote out words and abbreviations to make it easier, than before we would start on the next child, he goes over the info and touches up.
> The kids are heartbreaking and you just want to squeeze them tight. So precious!! (There is so much to tell you but not enough time)
> Last night afterwards, we went out to eat with the orphanage directors, translators, In-country trip coordinator, and our team. We got put in the VIP room;). It was just a separate room with no air conditioner. I just thought it funny that we were VIP. A few of us were struggling with dizziness. I don't know if it was jet lag and mental exhaustion but you could look around the room and see that we were closing down.
> We are working at the same orphanage tomorrow and will be see 32 kids.
>
> A few funny things--
> first time for squatter potty. Lol. Half way into the stall and then I saw it.... No backing out now. (and you can't flush your toilet paper).
> Scaring the girls working at KFC because this big group of white people needed to order (we pointed at pics:)
> The team discussing if you would rather wear someone else's hat or use their toothbrush. (Which one has the longest lasting effects.
> Women wearing high heels on their mopeds. Hilarious. It's everywhere.
> The little boy that couldn't stop giggling while we were doing his exam.
>
> The Lord blessed me with the sweetest older roommate. It amazes me that God knew who I needed.
>
> Did you know that just to check into the hotel, they need your passport. "They" are tracking us :).
>
> Well, it's in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep but I should go back to trying. Love you all and please continue to pray. We will need the strength to push through.
>
>
> Paula

Having Soul Sisters

Its only for a week, only Sat to Sat.  But my girls wanted to go out to eat for girls night anyways.  I say its ridiculous.  You will not even  miss me, I barely see you once a week. 

But my heart knows why.... it's support for my adoption/China dream, it's prayers for God's plan for my life and safety... it's straight up love! (and we all need to laugh and get out :)  These are a special kind of special, no pun attended.  Ones that love you enough to get you heart cards, Chinese symbol crafts, anti-runnybutt meds, and even their kiddos draw Asian pictures and notes. 

Family that just want to help...even to do laundry. anything.  Just because they love

On Sunday, the ladies Sunday school had prayer and laying on hands, surrounding me with warmth and love. Caught me off guard and made me cry like a baby.  Totally overwhelms my heart having so many people praying for my journey.


I was sad on Monday thinking about it would be perfect, if I JUST knew ONE person.  Then maybe I wouldn't be soooo scared.  But God knows best... I think He has a better plan.  Dependance on Him.  Total dependance.  Yes, God has a better plan!

Feeling Loved

I really don't have a close relationship with my Grandma.  But just in the small times I'm with her, she never ceases to bless me.

I stopped in today and she wanted to know about my China trip and to tell me that she is praying for me.  She wanted to know when I was leaving.  I told her, "I leave on Saturday and it's only for a week, and I'll be back before you know it".  Her eyes watered up and started patting me on my shoulder and she told me that she was soo happy and that she feels so much better knowing that I will be back in a week.  She said "I thought you were going for months and months".... :)

Oh, my heart swelling, she will always win Best Grandma Award in my life!