Refreshing the soul

I know that my blog seems heavy. It does to me too. But I started this space originally for my own little heart.  You know, dumping the load off my shoulders. But I chose to believe that I'm not alone in my heart struggles. That someone else out there in blog space struggles too. That someone else out there   believes that God is really strong enough for all of us. 

Went from a small tiny house with all silence and no kiddos to a weekend full of no silence and 4-9 kiddos under six.  It was a weekend that I fully realized that I need God. I saw my faults higher than the mountains, deeper than the sea.  There was nothing wrong with these special tiny children of the King, only me, a rebellious sinner in need of the grace of God stamping my feet wondered why God in His sovereignty hasn't brought me my child. 

Only God can bring us to our knees, and He decided to met me yet again.  He probably feels like He needs a extra assistant to deal with my boat load. 

He showed me that I can't do it on my own, because at some time there is a breaking point if we are running on self power. 

He showed me my selfishness. 

My selfishness. 

My selfishness. 

Did I mention my selfishness?

My impatience. 

That I'm unloving. 

You don't have time for the list. You don't. Promise. And pretty much everything goes back to be selfish. 

My spirit crushed under the weight of conviction.  

It seems as if Satanic attacks are close behind. Whispering in your ears that you are worth nothing, you can never be good enough. You will be a failure of a mother. A failure of a wife.  A failure of a friend. You try and try, but you will always lose. Don't even try. You're exhausted and tired. Give up, it's not worth the fight!  

There is nothing more exhausting then a spiritual battle. 

I know the answers, I just have to tattoo them on my heart

I'm nothing without God, but with God I am new

I'm a child of the king, adopted to be a heir. 

I am precious. Precious enough, for Jesus to die for me. 

I am washed by the blood. 

It's amazing to me that small things can refresh the soul, and truly make you feel God.  Yes, He met me again today. He met me in............

A Popsicle brought to me in bed

The blowing freezing snow. 

Getting off four hrs early!!!!

Pizza date with my Love. 

Shoveling the driveway, the cold wind just making you feel alive. 

Sprinkles on snow ice cream. 

Ticking clock. 

Bubbles in hot water. 

The only way out is through everything she's running from

It seemed dark this weekend.. very dark.  Dark beyond my own understanding.  My soul aching for the children of China and for some strange reason, Uganda.

Monday is the "most depressing" day of the year. I believe it.  Back to work full time, and with all these new year resolutions to try to keep (btw, my diet lasted about four hrs).

This morning while walking on the treadmill and listening to music and this was the phrase that caught my attention..
"The only way OUT is through everything she's running from."  I can't run from this.  Maybe that is what I have been doing.  Hiding. 
Continuing to use my umbrella, pretending not to feel or see the rain.
Denial. 

I have to fight through it.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground, stand UP when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain you won't drown
And one day, what is lost can be found
You stand in the rain

My trip to China has changed my life
It has set me back.. physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It makes me doubt who I am, what is my existence for? Why them and not me?  Where is my daughter? Why am I am here in this town?  Why am I working this job?  Why did I meet a person that has a mission in a deaf school/orphanage?  Is this a sign?  Why can't I adopt from every country?  Why can't people (even so called Christians) see that racism is sin?  Are you there, God?

This spoke peace to my soul... By Aaron Coalson

"Waiting is expected in the Christian life

The Bible is full of stories of waiting. Abraham and Sarah waited for a child. Joseph waited unjustly in jail. The Hebrews waited for freedom in Egypt. David waited for the throne. The Israelites waited in exile. Paul waited for a thorn to be removed.

Was God not in control here? Is He in control now? God’s plan is perfected in the wait, and we, His people are reminded throughout the course of redemptive history 
A professor once said, “The whole of Christian life is becoming what God has already declared you to be.” The wait you and I experience is not abnormal to the Christian life, but is part of the very essence of the Christian experience.
Our wait is painful, but it will pale in comparison to the glory we will one day see in eternity. Remember this in suffering. When you think about it in light of 100,000 years, it’s like a blip on a radar."