The answer is always hard for me because the answer is "a lot of nothingness". I wonder if people feel like I'm brushing them off and don't want to talk about it. That's not true. I do want to share. There is just absolutely nothing changing.
At times, I do struggle. Big time. Have many doubts. Like .... maybe God knows I would be a terrible mother so He stalls. I know these are attempts of the devil.
But we continue in faith that God knows what He is doing and that He has perfect timing.
Yesterday I got home at 3pm and decided to sit down. I figured the cleaning could just wait. About hr later, I remembered that we had a social worker coming to visit the next day. Talk about fire under your bun remembering that she will do a room to room walk. And it was a new social worker. Let me fall on my own dagger. I rushed around scrubbing floors and catching bunnies and spider strings.
I kept telling myself that there was still a 50/50 chance we would like her better. But we just had a change with our family coordinator. And now this.
Was she better than our old one. Nah. Just the same. She is a very sweet lady. It's just that it's so personal and you see the unfairness of the process. They are just protecting the children.
But no one that births a child gets any check. Nothing. You just go birth. You are not demanded to read books or do online training on parenting. You can be a dirt poor. Or be a druggie. Or a millionaire. And you get to go just pop a baby. And then you are free to go. You don't get a visit for the next several yrs to see if you are doing a good job. Nope.
We live super clean lives and stay out of trouble.
We need to do training and reading huge manuals. We get child protection clearances, then state, then FBI. It's just that we feel a little like cats that have our claws widen and extended. G even said as she walked out "I can put my claws back in" (I thought that was hilarious being he is totally unruffled at all times). It just feels like they are looking for something to disqualify you as being parent material. They quiz you about your marriage, your neighborhood, your extended family, how supportive your friends are, your church, hobbies, work, your house, your health, your bills, your pay stubs, your reading material, why China, your schools, your insurances, your vacations, your baby making abilities, and how we bond.
Yup. Do you think she would like the answer that we lay on the couch snuggled playing candy crush for bonding? Shhhhh...Lol.
Then remember if you adopt though China you will be required to have post adoption visits at 1, 6,12 months, and 2,3,5years. Yeah.
But we be.
good.
And in a day or two, I'll forget the unjustness of it. That is the blessings of a sucky memory. I'll forget until the next update.
I always go back to... This is a calling from God. He will continue to lead.
Please remind us of this. Sometimes we forget. And we need you!
