Friday, August 31, 2012

Where are the colors?

You may think all the posts of mine are about struggles..
Yup, mostly, because I write when my heart is ripped open, when it hurts to breathe.. cause it helps me heal.

I just can't stop thinking about others that have had to give up dreams.... given up children.  Miscarriages. Cancer. Accidents. Bible stories..Moses's mom, God allowing His Son be beated~killed, Abraham willing to sacrifice, Hannah.

Received the call yesterday.  At work.  G's skin cancer may cause potential issues in our adoption process. They even used the phrase "may be declined".  So here we go.

People say there are two kinds of people.  You are either a fighter or lover.  Both of those require a fiery spirit.  But I wonder... Today I'm neither.  I want to be a quitter.  I would lay on the couch and not be able to feel what my hands are holding, be numb, hardly able to wiggle my toes.  And be content.  Put on my eye mask, turn on the music.  Pretend that I'm not me.

God has a bigger picture,
I can not see.
I can't see the colors.
Could it be that I am just called to have a passion for China?  Maybe to affect someone else to feel the pull.  Maybe like Moses' mom, I have to give her up for the sake of God's bigger plan?  Maybe she is for someone else's family?  Maybe I need the lesson to give up my dreams, hopes, life.  Just so I can learn to lean ALL on HIM.  Trust.
 
Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again.
I know it's hard to remember sometimes, but you gotta keep your head up.






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