Not another

It's getting harder and harder to be real. I have people tell me they read my blog and I think "oh, poo, please no, no, no, not another".  I started this blog as a dumping spot for my strangeness. Hence why my name was Jamie on the blog.  I just wanted to write but didn't want it read.  But then it turned into a adoption journal of sorts and then my people turned into prayer warriors.  You are my people. My prayer warriors. But I still just can't for the life of me figure out why you want to read it. 

I look at the views, and it makes me want to come to a screeching halt.  Lock it all away. Inside. I don't want people to know me as a mess. I want to try to fake it. Pretend that I have it all together. Pretend that I rock being a mom, wife, and friend. 

But then.....

..Someone tells me that I'm not alone, that they have emotions like mine. That they struggle too. 

..Someone's eyes tear up because they understand that parenting is the hardest thing we will ever do. 

..Someone realizes with me that we are too small to do parenting without Christ.

..Someone thanks me for being real, because it's rare. 

And I'm praying for...

Someone to be called to adoption by God. And that I can be by their side to whole entire way. 

You may see the struggling in my little ridiculous life, but that's just my selfish will being molded slowly by God. But what I pray you will see is that Josie is priceless. Beyond words priceless!  Those REAL smiles and giggles make our world go around. I pray you see that adoption is just as a amazing miracle as birth. In my opinion, a larger miracle.  And I pray that God will call more families to adoption. 

Oh ok then, back to my realness..

I forgot to feed my child breakfast one day this week. How does this happen?   I was trying to help others, got out of my routine and then in the chaos, I forgot.  No wonder she was flighty, even more than normal. I asked my friend.. Don't kids tell you when they are hungry?  Apparently, they don't at a young age, they just get cranky. 

I cried, what kind of mother forgets to feed their child. Seriously. So later we stopped and got fries. Yes, I was trying to make her forget that she has a dud of a mom. 

Parenting in my OWN house is just way easier than being away. I can look away from her more than two seconds and be ok with it. The larger the amount of people, the larger the oversimulation. She reminds me of a drunken dragonfly that has no pattern of flight, but on super high speed. Just darting here and then there. 

But at home... It's really not like that. You can read her a entire book while holding her. Or occasionally, I said occasionally, I will find her sitting quietly on the couch. Or she is wrapped around my leg.  And she listens to me. These things NEVER happen when people are around.

 

I tried to donate some time this morning for a fundraising yardsale and I'm not sure if I was any help AT ALL. I left early and to tell you the truth a little depressed. It's JUST so hard.  To try to help and keep your dragonfly in sight.  It's going to get better right?  Or do you learn to just chill out after awhile and let her fly aimlessly in any direction and be ok with it? Comments that were not directed at you at all...but you end up taking them to heart because your heart is so bruised from your own self rated failure. Do you learn to stop that to?  

Parenting is a 100% of every minute job. If they are things to touch, doors to open, kids to grab from, and air to breathe then... I might as well not figure on getting anything else done ;). 

May God give us patience more abundantly than we can imagine this week.