Being perfect... Not happening

This is raw honestly here... Please go away if you are perfect. Because I don't like you. I have tried to be transparent. But it's hard. Hard to admit out loud. 

Miss J is a joy. A treasure. Priceless.  We love each other 96% of the time. But....

The other 4% of my day..... I struggle. Please tell me that you all struggle just a tiny tiny bit during the day. Anyone?!? Please!! 

The struggle of motherhood is real and in a way I feel all alone. I feel like I can't tell you the truth.. That you will see me as a crazy lady. This IS what I've dreamed for for years and now I'm stumbling.  

I have no idea who I am. 

My tastes have changed. I have no energy. In fact, some things that I would have a LARGE opinion about, well I don't care. Most days I'd rather be alone.  Who is this person? 

My world has changed. My coworkers that made me feel normal in the past, well .... I don't have them any more. They know the imperfections of me. They wouldn't expect anything else.  

It just doesn't feel the same to talk to my husband or any my other friends. Pray that I would be able to open up face to face. 

Good mothers are always put together. Right?  Perfect right?  I feel as if I'm not allow to break. Not allowed to have off moments. 

I need to be perfect like the other moms with their hair all nice and multitasking and with a smile on their face and a gentle voice all while being a encouraging and uplifting wife, mom, and friend. 

Well, I suck. I'm a terrible all the above. Maybe social media makes me realize this even more. I just don't have it all together like the rest. 

Sometimes I feel like I can barely guide my own feet. I can barely return text messages. I don't want to be alone, yet don't want to be with people. I don't want to exercise but I feel unhealthy. I want time away, but yet don't want to be left out from the family. I don't want to be  second place. I don't know what I want to eat other than pizza and sugar.  I mean, sugar straight up. 

Brown sugar. My mouth is slobbering just thinking about it. Especially the hard clumps. And my brown sugar doesn't have any because I have a brown sugar bear. Pthhhh. I need more.

And I'm frumpy. I feel larger than ever, crazy hair, snot on my shoulder, dark circles under my eyes,  and unshaven legs.  My one friend told me that is NOT how I look, but that doesn't take away the feeling. Yup, the word frumpy sums it all up. 

In the past, I have been called bipolar and needing to be put on antidepressant meds. Yup. Of course they didn't tell me that to my face. I have never ever felt like that but... Who knows, I suppose. Just imagine what they are going to say now?!?  

I had a short but sweet God sent conversation on Sunday with a friend. I had to go home and cry. I badly needed some one to tell me that I'm ok. And God say ok.. "Here she is. She's going to tell you that you are ok." 

Do you know anyone that worked and was married for years and then turned into a stay at home mom with a 3 year old?  Please tell me her name.  I need her. 

I read somewhere that it only takes 30 days to start a new routine. Then WHY is it taking so long. We are coming up on 3 months. :) 

I'm guessing it takes 15 million years to erase bad habits. Like selfishness. I see my heart. I see that all of the struggles falls back to the sin of selfishness. 

I didn't realize or recognize it before I became a mother. I AM selfish and momhood is about giving up everything. It's not about me anymore. 

Even though these moments are short, I think of them so often. Think of my short comings. I continually pray that God can me become a better mom. A less selfish mom. 

Perfect ... Never

But more of a God filled mom.