Giving up the cleaning keys

I have been cleaning for 3 years instead of the short little jot that I assumed. 

It was a gift of a job (every other Tuesday evening) that just dropped in my hands while we were doing adoption paperwork for Zuri. It didn’t feel like a gift/blessing every time that I cleaned though. Some I loved, other nights I hated.  Gary begged me to quit time and time again especially when I went through a period that I was so incredibly tired that I barely could get through those 3 hours. 

But so often, it was a time to reflect on the week. I spend so many hours praying for broken things all around me…relationships, crashed hopes, grief, and pain.  Crying to Jesus to heal our broken hearts. But I also spent even more hours worshipping my Magnificent Creator, my Lord, singing and dancing to praise music!

They were short in help and knew I had optical experience but I have been out of fashion so long, I didn’t feel like I had it in me. They had filing back up and asked about that. Sure, I said, if I can pick my own hours and so some evenings for a short period of time, I stopped in and said my alphabets. 

When Gary has training and meeting in the same week, it seemed like it ended up in the week that I cleaned. It felt tiring… and we want to be home together and I had picked up another part time job in the meantime as well. So I decided to give my notice. 

It went incredibly weird when I called to tell him that I wanted to quit. He had been so kind to me, being flexible if I wanted to switch evening, being ok if I had to bring Josie along with me, even inviting me to their Christmas party, giving me a year end bonus… so this made it even harder to say that I wanted to be finished. It felt like a “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup. Because it really was me.. he treated me so respectfully. 

I continued a few more times, and then he had a new lady come in one evening for me to teach the ropes. And then it was over. 

I had to drop off the rags, and key the next day and I was surprised that I was almost in tears.  What?!  I wasn’t sad about not cleaning. 

But this was supposed to be a short thing until Zuri came home. But here we are. Map jerked out from under us. Still waiting. It’s like the gps that you were using in the jungle caught on fire 🔥… and it’s nighttime. The animals are waiting. 

I glanced down at my phone with water filled eyes as I rushed back to my car. I opened up fb just to distract me and right in front of my eyes was the flavor of the day that I had been waiting for at Everything Cheesecake. So I threw my days plans to the wind and immediately headed my car to 81S to Martinsburg thinking about the good in the middle of the cleaning dirt. 

….

*When Josie and Gary stopped in and helped those nights when I just couldn’t barely put one foot in front of the other. 

*When Janette or Glen sent me a sermon to listen to. 

*When my favorite song would come on and my vacuum cleaner felt lighter. 

*When G and J stopped in with hot pizza. Or a cold Rita’s. 

*When the Lord would lay on my heart to send a message, or song, or sermon to someone. 

*When tears would turn to praises. 

There is a rawness of heart in the solitude.  So be raw. Because God already knows it all anyways. 

Father's arms

These lyrics are running, oh running through my scattered thoughts.  Little bits floating here and there and come to consciousness in random moments.  

I picture a child standing on a ledge and dad standing on the ground with his strong arms out wide waiting to hold on tight in the freefall.  Look into my eyes, precious child of mine!  Trust me, I'm here. I chose you.  I'm not going anywhere.   

Why do I ever doubt you?

You always do what you say You're gonna do

Why do I ever doubt you?

You've caught me every time before

So why does fear try to glue me to the floor?

Looking down from up so high

There's a battle inside my mind

You keep telling me I'm made to fly

I'm gonna jump into your arms, into your arms

I'm gonna give you all of me, everything

I'm never ever looking back

Fixing my eyes on you

I'm gonna jump into your arms, into your arms

Safe when I'm in Your shadow

I'm holding on and You're never letting go

Meet me in the free fall

I know You're faithful

You come and rescue me

Every time

You are trying to face your battles alone and the tears pour down privately and yet you will only show your brave to others.  Share your heart.  I know, you will say, "no one will understand".  I get it, I feel that too.  But I beg you to help me to know that I'm not alone.  This walking alone is going to crush us.  Search for Him with me and I will remind you that He is faithful, He will meet us in the free fall.  Yes, He is even on the bathroom floor with you/me.  And He in bed beside with you/me with the endless tears.   He is our Rescuer.  

Hear Him whisper.....Look at Me.  You are made to fly.  Trust Me.  Jump into My arms.  

Lyrics from Nonah Jump

Heart Friends

Every year since Josie has started school in K5, I have told her that she could take one hooky day per year. (Or is hookie?!🤷‍♀️). Since I am not an early morning person I often ask her, “ Is today the day that we just stay in bed and not do things?!”  She immediately hops out of bed because there is NOT a chance that she will miss life. (Yes, don’t bother judging my parenting😆). 

But her best friend is moving away long distance on Saturday, so late Tuesday night, I asked, “would you want to do an impromptu sleepover and take a hooky day and spend it with Ava?”   Shrieks of delight!!

You see Ava has been our sweet miracle for years. She was there when we walked into our house when coming home from 🇨🇳.  Glen’s home became our second home, hanging out for the day on Sundays after church till evening, campfires, Christmas Eve traditions, music, and just staring into the beauty of the woods while the kids run carefree. A place where we are just us.. the good, the bad, the messy.  We have spend hours upon hours laughing, hearts talking, and crying together. Their friendship has been and IS truly priceless. 

 I had prayed while Gary and I was waiting for our daughter that God would grant us a special friend for her. In my dreams, I dreamed my best friend and I would have girls together, but I NEVER believed that it could actually happen. God is truly amazing in answering prayers in unexpected ways. 

God had big plans for them and we will never stand in the way of Him. But it is hard to let them go. ❤️❤️

20 years

When people would tell me that they were married for 20 or 25 years, I of course would always congratulate them. But I never really was totally impressed. It’s just like anything else, you just aren’t that amazed unless you have managed to experience it yourself and then you are like “WOW! We are really amazing!!” 😆 I’m turning 40 this year as well. Seems impossible. Married half of my life, longer than I was single. 50/50. 

Just recently someone (a stranger) asked us “what is the key to a good marriage? How did you make it 20 years?”  We joked about it and didn’t really give a good answer. I had answers running through my mind but didn’t take the time. I’ll tell you now.

I take no credit. None. 

It’s because of Jesus and Gary. I remember those early years I struggled with Gary being a jokester. I remember having a heart to heart with him saying that I needed some seriousness too. I remember him trying really hard after that to balance between the two specially for me. He loved God enough to care about my heart and changed.. at least a little. But he also loved me enough to know that we were going to need alot of jokes to get through life. Marriage isn’t always simple. You don’t have to live long to figure out human relationships are tough because wow, we are very imperfect. But we both believe in marriage for life. Yup, until death. So even if you kinda don’t like each other one day, you wake up and try again and say I’m sorry. Over and over again. And some how in the mess of tears and joy.. marriage is the most beautiful bond. 

 

Yes Jesus is faithful. 

March 2021

  I know I do a terrible job of hiding it, and try I do, but this never ending wait for Zuri is beyond hard.  The open endlessness.  An pregnancy that will never end.  We re-did our kitchen and dining room floors, painted and stained our kitchen cabinets, and then repainted the dining room.  I looked around and picked the cabinets because I figured that it was the worst home improvement that I could do.  It lived up it my expectations but it still only dulled the pain for moments.  Next on my list is paint my kitchen table, paint the bathroom, re-caulk the bathtub, and anything else that I can dream up. ;0 

  We long and pray for an update or picture, but yet when it comes, I have these internal raging fits of anger.  She is so beautiful that my heart just can't bear the pain of her growing one more day without her here with me (us).  I'm missing her chubby tiny fingers slimming and getting longer, her hair growing down her forehead, her button nose, and the cute little things that toddlers do and say. She is even turning 3 this month, and we already celebrated her last birthday without her.  Endless amount of loss.  Another waiting mom said that she prays and BELIEVES that God will redeem EVERY lost moment.  I guess I like that, so pray it for me because most days I can't pray it for myself.  I know that God is doing a work in me although some days it doesn't feel like it.  He has given me a real desire to read the Bible this year, and David in the Psalms has been speaking to my soul. He writes about how defeated and discouraged he was, but yet, he comes back to God's faithfulness again and again.  So I play it in my mind on repeat...God is faithful ~ He has a plan...over and over again.  

  People try to say helpful things like "well, she is being taking care of and doesn't even understand that she is missing being in a family", or give reasons on how "yes, you can travel to China and why are you still waiting".  Not helpful, ok.  

  Yes, we are following all China travel procedures and protocols in the news.  No we can not go yet.  We have visas but they are still suspended and we have wait until they issue a document called TA (travel approval) to start the adoption paperwork flow again.  If we were able to travel currently they are talking about 2 week quarantines, vaccines,  and even anal swabs for covid (Gary and I actually snorted when we read that because I suppose its better than crying).  Well, if that would get us to our daughter, then yup, we would do it.  But even with these regulations, we can't go until they say.  

But until then I will ...treasure and cry over every picture of her sweet face with all of my heart...

Grateful

The moment I want imprinted on my memory from this Thanksgiving is.. choosing to turn the music loud and just praising Jesus by raising our hands, dancing, and singing. My mind flashes to King David and the dancing in the streets. I don’t want to “waste the rain”. 

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?view=detail&mid=D54EC937AE0A983B8E31D54EC937AE0A983B8E31&q=stephen+furtick+wasted+rain&shtp=GetUrl&shid=a7533caa-fb58-42a1-a9ca-1ccd2466d568&shtk=V2FzdGVkIFJhaW4gLSBQYXN0b3IgU3RldmVuIEZ1cnRpY2svRWxldmF0aW9uIENodXJjaA%3D%3D&shdk=R29kIGlzIHRyeWluZyB0byBzcGVhayBzb21ldGhpbmcgaW50byB5b3VyIGxpZmUuIEluIOKAnFdhc3RlZCBSYWluLOKAnSBQYXN0b3IgU3RldmVuIEZ1cnRpY2sgb2YgRWxldmF0aW9uIENodXJjaCB0ZWFjaGVzIHRoYXQgR29kIG9mdGVuIHNwZWFrcyB0byB1cyBpbiBzdG9ybXkgc2Vhc29ucyDigJQgd2UganVzdCBoYXZlIHRvIGJlIHdpbGxpbmcgdG8gbGlzdGVuLiBAIEAgQCBAIEAgQCBAIEAgU3Vic2NyaWJlIHRvIHJlY2VpdmUgb3VyIGxhdGVzdCBtZXNzYWdlczogQHQgVG8gc3VwcG9ydCB0aGlzIG1pbmlzdHJ5IGFuZCBoZWxwIHVzIGNvbnRpbnVlIHRvIHJlYWNoIHBlb3BsZSBhbGwgYXJvdW5kIHRoZSAuLi4%3D&shhk=pDfnj82IaP09Xsdlkdgu%2F4mpQvGzBc3inMGmyEYEIX8%3D&form=VDSHOT&shth=OSH.vJ7u6tx9TH71XSwss%252FmTqA

Yes, Jesus!! 

I wanna remember everything that the Lord has done. 

I wanna be grateful. 

I wanna be. 

I wanna be.

I wanna be.  

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?view=detail&mid=1DAAA7E8245A2BADE3D21DAAA7E8245A2BADE3D2&q=treelife+kids+thankful&shtp=GetUrl&shid=e006d003-7c30-4fc5-add7-3054c3cfa5f4&shtk=VGhhbmtmdWwgfCBSb2FyIFZCUyB8IEdyb3VwIFB1Ymxpc2hpbmc%3D&shdk=RW5qb3kgdGhlIG11c2lj4oCmc2luZyBhbmQgZGFuY2UgYWxvbmcgdG8gVGhhbmtmdWwgbXVzaWMgdmlkZW8gZnJvbSBSb2FyIFZCUyEgTm93IEFWQUlMQUJMRSBPTiBBTUFaT046IGh0dHBzOi8vd3d3LmFtYXpvbi5jb20vRmF2b3JpdGUtU29uZ3MtVmFjYXRpb24tQmlibGUtU2Nob29sL2RwL0IwN1lCTlROSDEvcmVmPXNyXzFfMzA%2Fa2V5d29yZHM9Z3JvdXBtdXNpYyZxaWQ9MTU3MTI1MDU1OCZzcj04LTMwIE5PVyBBVkFJTEFCTEUgT04gaVRVTkVTOiBodHRwczovL211c2ljLmFwcGxlLmNvbS91cy9hbGJ1bS9mYXZvcml0ZS1zb25ncy1mcm9tLXJvYXItdmFjYXRpb24tYmlibGUtc2Nob29sIC4uLg%3D%3D&shhk=C1oIMDlz9rvGTMD2u1HJttwtXyisZZYsTk1Lo%2FNly7A%3D&form=VDSHOT&shth=OSH.DrxZZlg2Ub%252F%252Btk5SSqZZDw

Heading back into video school

I can not tell you how wonderful Abeka has been since Covid. Last year Josie and I made it through. It went well enough that we looked it to homeschooling 🤭. I can’t still believe those words came out of my mouth. But our school started back in session at regular time and Josie wanted to go so we were at peace with sending her. 

But I would be lying if I didn’t said that occasionally I wished that she would be home with me. I mean.. after school she has homework, piano, and vision therapy. It feels like we don’t spend enough of time together. And she is growing up so fast!!  😭

So yesterday we got the email that our school decided to close down for two weeks just for a precautionary safety measure. It was just a blessing that it coincided with our Thanksgiving vacation. So we will only have to do 6 1/2 days online.

After you receive an email like that.... your mind runs all over the place.

1. Oh bummer this is really going to mess with my plans. 

2. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

3. Oh this is really cool ...I’ll get to sleep in and spend more time with Josie.

4.Ughh..I feel guilty actually thinking that this is a privilege to have Josie home with me...when other families are struggling to figure out how to handle all their schedules.  And other families are struggling with their health. 

5. Day two is all the days that it will take for me to want to  pull my hair out of my head and send her back to school.

 6. I am so incredibly blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom.

7.I need to STOP feeling guilty about thinking that we will enjoy this. God certainly don’t want me to sit around and whine.