I'm not big enough or strong enough.

Most days I feel like my heart has healed (our maybe I have again harden my heart) from seeing those precious kids.  I'm better.  All fixed. 

And then wham, my hard crust crumbles.  At the oddest times.  And then I see those kiddos, some giving cheesy grins, or their little cute toes and fingers, their button noses, or laughing when you tickle them, or silent tears running down over their adorable cheeks. 

Saturday was one of the tough days.  I was looking at adoption waiting children online and I saw some of the children that I saw and touched with my own little self in China.  I am broken again.  Their little faces look different to me now that I have seen them in person! 

It feels like my hands are tied behind my back and I just can't get loose.  I know that God has this waiting period for me, specially for me, maybe to teach me to give up my will.  Those little children can't be adopted by me, because we are with a different agency.  So I just feel like I'm doing nothing.

I was given a book "Joey's Story" to read maybe a half year ago.  I was asked many times if I had read it yet and I hadn't.  It is about child abuse and I was dragging my feet.  But this was the weekend that I was going to plow through it and get it over with.  I was stomping my feet mentally.  It's NOT fair.  My heart is broken with helplessness already.  Really, God?! 
Joey quoted more than once that she realized that she couldn't change her life and thoughts by herself.  That it took a higher power, we are just NOT strong enough on our own. 

It is a message I took to heart.  It may not be my time to be the hands of God that touch these children personally.  I can't do it myself.  I'm just not big or strong enough.  G reminded me later that I am still working even if I just want to be done, but that allows us to support the nannies that love on the children.  God is still working through our hearts even when it doesn't feel like we are doing anything worth while. 

Meanwhile my friend over in mission land is loving on children in another orphanage.  Melts my heart, to see others getting to live one of my dreams.  I pray God rains blessings down in a way that they have never seen or felt on their lives... for the nannies, volunteers, directors, and the precious children of God.

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said
"I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break"