Day 22 and 23

I'm tired of listening to myself blog. Just saying.

Maybe I'm tired all over, not just in spots. And I want to cry. I know, I know. It makes no sense but yet it's real. It's just a world of changes dumped on me all at once. Going from a highly scheduled work life so I could have my free time off.... To a world that does not include any time for me.

Relaxing while eating... That ain't happening. Even potty breaks aren't private now days. It doesn't even include unfun time for me. I empty the dishwasher 2 dishes at a time or fold laundry 2 clothes at a time or I vacuum with 25extra lbs strapped on me because she is afraid.  

It's just a entire world of changes. For her and I (and let's not forget Gary). 

It's not Josie, in fact she is a treasure. I'm  still in awe of how God brought her into our life. How in the world, did God pick us... Out of all the people in the world?  He picked us to be her parents. It's overwhelming to think that we were chosen. We are so unworthy!  So beyond honored to call her our daughter. 

She is a fighter. I believe that is the reason she doesn't show much physical or mental delay even with almost three years of orphanage life. Yes, that fighter instinct makes me life overwhelming, but that has been her survival. 

I'm so happy it's the weekend. I can't tell you how in love I have fallen for my own husband. Even after 13 wonderful years. There are just not enough words to describe it. Thankfully this has driven us closer instead of apart. In the bottom of my heart, I'm afraid that he will stop loving me if I end up being a bad mom and/or wife. Because I fail every day. Maybe every hour. Maybe every minute. 

He still assures me... that his love is permanent. 

I'm just a little afraid that God will stop loving me too. Because I fail. But I know that God doesn't work that way either. 

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

I praise God every day that He is here for me. I am reminded every single day that if I don't fill with God then I have nothing to give out. I must pray and worship and plead for wisdom every single day for me to be a God filled soul to minister to others including being a mom and wife. Otherwise it is all not worth it. 

Josie is a full speed ahead kinda of girl. I declare that because of her must wear shoes issue that I will be missing all of my toes by fall. She stomps on them, trips on them, slams into them.  I told G that I never knew parenting was so physically painful. If we are not getting kicked, then we are being head banged or stomped on by chunky shoes. Slippers are not labeled as shoes by miss J. 

I have this ridiculous urge to take pictures of everything. It's just so fun to this Ohhhh, this is probably the first time to have cheese fries or jelly bread or...  I just want to document it all. She loves to help with the smallest things... Folding laundry (shoot me now), putting stuff in the trash or emptying the dishwasher. Anything is a adventure if movement is required. If it is like reading a book or watching a video... Forget IT. 

Oh my stars. I JUST want to sit still. I just want a be still and know that I am God moment. Multiple moments. That would be fabulous. 

G mowed today... Apparently she doesn't like it at all.. So I strapped her in my body carrier and watered flowers. That will make you sweat. We also strollered down to CVS and Dollar general. She loves stroller ride and the busy traffic so I'm happy I live in walking distance of so many places. 

We got pool time in both days and she loves it. Not so happy if water getting in her face but it's getting better. I'm trying to teach her to wipe her eyes if water splashes up on her. When it's just J and I, swimming has been good for our bonding... She is kinda forced to let me hold her and she will hold around my neck if I tell her too. 

One day at a time, sweet Jesus! 

Day 21....

Am I boring you yet...

A wonderful day... Really. 

Well, I had my fingers crossed for last night.  Will she stay down all night?!  

She took cough medicine that was a sleepy kind. And we played hard after her bath and then tried to read to her (what a joke). Then I was sooooo boring just laying on the floor acting like I was sleeping. She wandered around for a while and then just stood beside her crib. I ignored her for a while thinking she would try to communicate that she wanted in. But after 3 mins of standing there, I asked her if she wanted in and I got a yes head shake. She laid down and a minute later was out. 11:00-10:00. We also tryed a sound machine too. 

Double sweetness. Mama still didn't sleep until 2.. Why?  I don't know, but I think my mama nerves are on full active mode. Please turn them off. 

Josie isn't sure about Baba returning home in the evening. It takes about 30seconds and then its attack mode. She loves on him with kisses and hugs that mama doesn't get. One day.. :). 

We had fun today. We played in the pool, in the kid tent, and set up a mini trampoline, and also watered plants with a friend. She NEVER wants to go inside. Outside always rules over the inside. Hmm. 

I managed to iron 3 pants and 2 shirts, start the dishwasher, and fold a basket of laundry. Woohoo 

I haven't even started cooking. I'm not sure that I could. Yes, I'm pathetic. 

She fought the crib again tonight. I don't know why, But I sure hope that 11:00 isn't her normal bedtime cause it's killing us. Lol. 

Today I was reminded again... We are so quick to judge. If I have not walked in those shoes, then I need to offer grace.   We will not truly understand unless we have been there. And if we offer grace, maybe someday it will be offered to us. We are all battling something. ALL of us. Even those that look like they have it all together. We also are in a spiritual battle. May we hold each other up and not tear down. And never assume. Because you don't know how you would act, or feel, or be.... Unless you have been there. 

May we LOVE, and may we be like God's grace... Never ending. 

Day 19 and 20

Other than nighttime...We are doing ok. We are finding more things to laugh about. 

Gary was sad to return to work. He has fallen hard. He mentioned that he is going to miss some many firsts. There are so many things that she has never tried or seen. It is fun :). Mama and child wishes that he could stay home too. 

She is starting to play a little by herself. I feel like I can take potty breaks or check the laundry now. Lol. 

We have had some visitors but we are trying to limit them as much as possible. You may think this sounds rude, but she has not attached yet. She will give another woman as much as attention as she gives me. And I will say that is not fair. I have given my everything since I have seen her little precious face two and half weeks ago. And I'm still fighting for her love and her kisses. I have prayed over her for years. We have cleared out all of our savings for her.  We fought for her because she needed a family.  I NEED for her to figure out that I am the Mama. ( and papa).  The ones that would move mountains for her. The ones that will never leave. The ones that considers her priceless. 

It kills my heart to see her touch you willingly, but will turn away from my kisses or hugs. 

It is getting better but...

don't try to squeeze her and get her to give you kisses and hugs. 

Don't. For me. For us. 

She will have time to love you up later. 

Yesterday I tried for a nap. Complete meltdown for child and mama. Today I said FORGET it. So not worth it until we settle in better. 

She LOVES being out of the house. Although that doesn't translate into loving her car seat. 

We tried to go to the canal, but it dumped rain. Not sure if she was mad that we didn't get out or if she was just tired of the car seat... Either way such screaming. I may or may not have pitched her toes to keep her from kicking. I was going to head home but decided getting out would make her happier so we headed to the grocery store. As soon as she knew she was getting out, she was good. The grocery store was an adventure to this child. In her marbled words, she would ask, what's that to everything on the shelf. 

When we go on walks, I think she asks "what's that" to every bird.... And tree, and mailbox and car and....

Minds just want to know :). She normally repeats the words back. 

Her word for the day is cho cho for train. One baby video that is to learn numbers 1-5, has a train in it and she would go clear crazy trying to get our attention and would get up in our faces with wide eyes and point and say "cho cho". 

As always I thank you for the prayers and plead for more. Parenting is humbling. Who would have known how many times we would ask out loud.. "You need to poo poo?" Unbelievable.  Parenting is beyond challenging. She know how to push boundaries. 

We need so much wisdom and we always doubt what we are doing and if it's right. We fail. And then we start over. 

I, in return, pray for you too. I thank God for each one of our supporters and encouragers and pray God blesses you back again and again. Because I know I will never be able to repay you for all you have done. You are a blessing. 

He is faithful. Always. 

Day 18

Since G ran a call early this morning, I had a hr and half this morning of wake time with just Josie and Mama. Kinda a trial run. It went ok, with the exception of the meltdown of wanting more cereal and then deciding that she wasn't going to eat it. Mama thought otherwise. Mean oh mean I am. 

We vacuumed the house... Double nasty and folded a basket of laundry. These two things made me feel like super woman. We went on a stroller ride to Martin's to get bananas. Because it may be life threatening if you don't have a banana for the morning. 

Then we laid around like dead men while she played around and/on top of us. We are so tired. 

Lunch of grilled hamburgers.. Yeah for G grilling. Josie didn't want a thing to do with the good food. She stuck with her boring rice, and hard boiled eggs. I tried to trick her into eating two Lima beans for in return for a cookie. It wasn't happening. So no lima, no cookie. 

We don't wear shoes in the house.. It just keeps the dirt out better so with J thinking she has to wear shoes, we made a plan and she is working with us. We gave shoes that go on outside the door and shoes that go on inside the door. 

We watered flowers this afternoon and even got in the pool for 20 mins :). It was burr cold water but she loved it. 

These weeks was the first time in my life that I have had NO appetite. And it's still not back. So it seems as if I am ALWAYS getting food ready. I have never prepared three meals a day for anyone. It's crazy!!  And trying to keep baby fed, you have no time or desire to eat.  I will never doubt what moms do. They cook, they wash clothes, and hold whining babies. That is 24 hrs a day. I honestly have no clue how this happened to me. Yeah, and I how I dressed today, well, it didn't match. And I don't care. Frumpy.  But I still win, my kid may have been covered with yogurt, but I 

still win.. Because we are all still alive. 

This evening we called my sister, but they weren't home so we drove by the fire station to take a picture of their front sign that was congratulated us on being parents. 

Then headed to the local school playground again. It is right behind my brothers and so the kiddos came out to play with Josie. 

My favorite highlight of the day was we stopped at McDonald's to get a ice cream cone for Josie... We laughed till we cried sitting out on our picnic table feeding it to her. We were kinda (well not kinda) sticking it her face smearing her all up and then she would turn to me and get all blabbering about me cleaning her face. I would act like I wasn't looking at her and she would pat me and make all these funny sounds. (Poor girl, Chinese mixed with English). We did this again and again and was giggling uncontrollably. ;). She is starting to like me more. Even on the playground she was running to me more. She is starting  to mend my broken heart. 

Day 17

After a extra rough night of one hour of sleep to one hour of crying from 10 until 4ish. Then sleep from 4-9.  Both adults were feeling rough. Especially mama. After breakfast I asked G if he could take care of J, so that I could take a bubble bath. It was so nice, no it didn't make anything better really, but I felt a little more human. 

Since we were missing church, we sat down and I held her while G read a few verses. You would have thought that we were torturous from her whining noises. We are a loooonng way from sitting through a real service. Oh shoot me now. 

Mom had invited us over for lunch and I figured if she was going to meltdown at a meal, then it might as well be at my families house. She truly dislikes most food. She ate 2 microscopic pieces of meat and some mac and cheese. 

She doesn't like any adults yet, and I'm ok with that until she likes me a whole lot. But over at dad's, he was playing the harmonica for her and she crawled up and sat in the corner of his chair for a tiny bit. She liked the doll that opened and closed her eyes and a little school bus that she could pull around. We only stayed a hr and a half and decided to try a nap after we got home. 

She didn't fight to bed and then slept almost 2hrs. Praise God, and we got a few winks in :). I ended up waking her because I wanted her to sleep at night. I'm sure we all could have slept for hrs!  

It was so beautiful out and the sun is good for jet lag so we walked our little street and then decided to go the local school and play on the playground. Vaughn's joined us :). The kids love her and she likes them. 

Terry's came over for a hr or so, we loved their company as well. 

We ate a late dinner of lots of rice and apple for baby and grilled hot dogs for the olds. She played for the first time by herself for a good hour or so. It was lovely. G and I curled up on the sofa together and chilled out. I looked at the mess everywhere but was just ok with it, because I had moments of doing nothing that I was soaking up. 

She was basically falling asleep in her bath, and went down by 10:30 with ten minutes of patting. Praise the Lord. And she slept until 6:30. Mama didn't sleep much though, but was so happy there was no crying!! G ran on his first call at 4:30 and made it out the door without waking her :). 

Day 14, 15, and 16

We had so many prayer warriors for the trip home. We left the hotel at 9 to head to the airport and then through all the security, luggage stuff. First flight from 12-3 to Beijing.  We kept her awake and she did much better than 5 days ago. Then down again to wait till 7 to take off for America for the long flight. 12+hrs. With Gods grace and the prayers of who love us, Josie was able to sleep 7+ hrs.  We need two seats to spread out her since nothing can be touching her feet. One of us stayed there and caught her if she rolled and the other one found a empty seat to catch snoozes. We were so thankful. The other hrs were filled with Baba feeling like he was holding onto a greased octopus. Legs wiggling everywhere. I was never so happy to feel America under my feet. 

After a hr or so of going to immigration due to adopting a child, they finally finished her paperwork that says that she is resident. Her citizenship will come in the mail in 1-3 months. 

Finally out to see my parents that had came to pick us us. Soo happy to see them!!  G's parents surprised us and was there too. Sonya had sent balloons and a welcome sign. My mom had packed a huge bag of tricks and snacks for the last 1 1/2 hour ride home. What a blessing, it almost went fast. 

First I saw balloons off interstate and when we pulled in, I sobbed. I had held it together for the entire journey home but that was it. They (my family, my coworkers, my friends) had balloons and glow sticks covering the front porch, lining the edge of the walkway, hanging out of the tree, and the back porch. Inside I have dozens of notes of bible verses, encouraging quotes, and funny sayings tucked into cabinets, drawers, and everywhere you could think of. The kitchen counter was covered with gifts of thoughtfulness. My heart felt all the love. And I'm still clinging to that love. In the middle of the screaming. I cling. 

My family and my two best friend supporters was here to welcome us in. Josie loved the kids. It was such a blessing to be home. I believe my family fell in love :). 

Josie has been doing well around others. But it makes my heart smile that she refuses to go to other adults. I know, that sounds cruel and unusual but my heart still hurts a little from rejection, and I want her to run to me first. 

Night time has been a terror. Both for her and us. First problem is the switch of time... 12hrs off. So she will fall asleep for a hr and then wake up for screaming for a hr and then repeat and repeat and repeat. It is so hard to know if she's scared or lonely or just exhausted or mad. She kicks and about blows our ears off with the voice. We take turns trying to comfort her. There doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason on how to do that. 

Sometimes we try to hold and rock her, sometimes that makes her madder. We try putting her in our bed or sleeping on the floor curled around her.. Both of those makes the anger stronger. Sometimes we let her cry. Sometimes we pat her in the crib. Sometimes we try food or drink or music or lights or toys or...... 

But it seems like it's very hour. I can't hardly stand it. 

Daytime is getting better but it's 24-7 entertainment. She hates when G is gone out of sight. G decided to finish the driveway sealing and with a run to Lowes.. 2+ hours later without dad in sight, I was shot. 

My cousin from out of state came and visited with her family, my sister stopped over with smoothies, my sisterinlaw dropped by with her kiddos, and a friend dropped off a high chair. I know that we are to be cocooning but for me they are distractions that I love. They make my blood pressure level. 

This afternoon we managed to get the pool up and starting to fill. Josie saw the water and started undressing. She may have had a meltdown when she realized we were not giving in today. But I have a feeling it will be a hit next week. She loves cool water, even her bath water so I'm guessing it will be enjoyed. The mama and baba with have the harder time with the cold water ;). 

This evening we decided to go and try out the car seat. They don't use any seat belts or car seats in China. So being strapped in is highly annoying to Missy Pants. We went over to his parents and two of G's brothers were there. They loved making over her and enjoying giving her chips (probably her first ones). Again she did well with the kids and even played with them for a little while. Grandma wanted to hold her but that wasn't happening. 

Now I could repeat the whole section on sleeping here again. Ugh. I'm wide awake with her again and then can't fall back to sleep with my ears ringing. And my heart hurting. I love her so much, I guess that's why it hurts so bad. Because Mama can't fix this one. 

Things I'm struggling with are ...

what am I doing to do without Gary?? What am I going to do when he goes back to work? Will our marriage never be the same?  Will we ever have us time again?  Because the screaming makes me miss us. 

Thank you again for all the prayers, emails, texts, notes and everything thing else. 

Please continue to pray for us. We plead every day for wisdom. It's so beyond ourselves. 

Day 13

I was again a emotional mess from the sweetness of the other adoptive parents this morning at breakfast.  They know that I was struggling and would always really really look deep into my eyes are ask....  

God spoke to me again after breakfast. "What do you fear?!"

I fear she will never love me, Lord. 

"GIVE it up!" He reminded me. "Do you not trust me?!"

Yes, Lord, apparently I have trust issues. 

Josie seemed to like a stroller so we went out for a walk in the park this morning. I thought for suuuure that she should walk to burn off energy, but nope nope and nope.  We try to get her to repeat as many words as possible and some of them are hilarious. It just different. It hard for us to repeat a single word the guide says so in return, it's hard for Josie. We walked around old men playing games, exercise classes, runners and cats and dogs. 

Josie loves to say puppy and picks out every dog within a mile.

We ran part of the way home to avoid getting caught in the rain. 

After lunch, we tried a nap. I really don't know why we bother trying... But she is so tired. Cry, cry, cry. 

Afterward the tearful mess,we played in the indoor toy room

I feel like all I do is feed her. I guess this is really real to life. 

I decided to take her swimming even in the rain. With her cold I probably shouldn't have, but it was still hot outside.

We actually had fun splashing the puddles, dipping in the pool and singing with the music. They kicked us out because it was thundering. 

 

We are both so excited to get home. We both packed up a little bit.