She has been waking up again. It's so hard to know.. Is it grief, is it fear, is it just wanting to get up, or is it anger. There are so many times we LONG to know more. It would be such a blessing to have her history. What does she remember? What does she miss? The nannies or the other kids? Did they rub her back when she cried or did they just let her cry? Does she remember her surgery? Was she in a lot of pain? We missed so much.
It's fun to visit our local stops and tonight we tried going to our favorite pizza shop. The owner always comes and says hello. He did tonight and he mentioned that we had someone new with us. We told him that she was our daughter. He said "oh, she is so lucky". My mind immediately flashes to those first days... Of the grief and pain and the loss. That's not lucky.
We (the parents) are the "lucky" aka blessed ones.
Today was a good day. Probably because yesterday was so bad. I'm pretty sure it was all mama's fault. I can so boldly see my failures. So impatient and annoyed. I just wanted to snap. I mentally was so bored and feeling like I had no purpose in life. (Seriously the biggest thing I did was a load of laundry)( playing blocks and holding J just didn't feel important enough). And Josie was so forgiving and that made me feel even more guilty. By the time G got home..I was in tears. He wanted to know why I was crying and I didn't know. (Please don't tell me if nobody else does this because I want to believe that I'm not alone) (I want to believe that not EVERYONE else has it all together)(please please don't tell me if I'm wrong).
After he got home... I realized how empty I was. Yes, I should have realized this in the morning but I didn't. I opened my Bible randomly that evening and in Psalm 139 it hit me between the eyes.
God is here. He is aware of me and all of my struggles. "You have created me, knitted me together. I will praise You. I am not hidden from You. All of my ordained days are written in Your book, Lord, even before they came to be"
So this morning, I woke earlier than J and filled my heart with Scripture again. Such a difference in my spirit.
She is basically poo potty trained since we got her. But occasionally not. She doesn't tell us... We have to ask and ask and ask. It's somewhat annoying to always be asking but yet a huge blessing. But Dr Dibbs wants us to do parasite testing which is a routine thing to do when first home. But this means 4 samples, one every other day. I have completed one, and we have three more to go. I told G that maybe one reason I cried is because scooping up poo with a disposable spoon and putting in a vial makes me cry. (Don't judge me... How recently have you done this?~~ grooosss).
On weds G went with us to John Hopkins to see our international adoption specialist. J did great in the way there but was getting a little wiggly until we got there. Dr Dibbs is a truly great doctor, and yes worth the wait (we were taken back a hr and a half late). She was happy with Josie's development and health. We are to follow up with the cleft team and cardiologist. She had a history of ASD so we need to check if that has healed up or will need closed. She has a repaired lip, but has a split in the gum line, that we need to evaluate.
We decided to go ahead and do some blood work while we were there and I was so happy that G was there to hold her. Me and bloodwork doesn't work well. She did sooo good though. Just whimpered. I feed her animal crackers and it was all good. We were so proud on how good she did for the whole entire visit.
On the way home she fell asleep. We were so hungry but we were not about to stop after she fell asleep. We drove back to Hagerstown to Chick a fil and G treated us. J can't wait to finish eating so that she could play on in the kids tunnels.
Today we went to some yard sales to see if we could find a small kids table with a chair and a tricycle. We didn't find either, but got a few cheap educational toys.
I took her out for a run in the afternoon (she loves stroller rides and I need quiet time for me). I play music and it's kinda my time out. To some, it may seem like I'm walking that I'm going so slow but running is not natural for me but still a stress reliever.
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