Blabbering

We finally got our family pictures taken last night after being canceled last week because of raining. I am ssssoo happy that's over. 

Last week...What heeing and hawing over what to wear. We were going with pink, black, white, and denim. Well, that narrows Miss J's clothes down to half. Haha. I love pink. I can't not lie.  And my friends know it and blessed her with lots of pretty pink.  I had the entire bed covered with clothes. I had them all picked out... And then I decided that our pinks didn't match. Oh dear. 

Then it rained that original date. 

Then yesterday I decided I didn't like what I had picked out...  

My brain cell of decision making must have died from eating to many noodles. 

It went 99% better than I had guessed. If we get one picture that's none blurry, than our photographer rocks. It's a moving target. 

Tonight I finished J's birthday cake. We are celebrating a early birthday with my family tomorrow night. 

Yes, pink, black, and white are still the theme. I know, it doesn't look like a 3 year olds cake... But I don't care. I made a cake. I still win. And I may have balloons. I double win. 

G took Josie down to the fire station tonight for under a hr. I was working on the cake decorating.  It was sooo quiet. I barely remember silence.  I heard that it was raining and then stopped.  The air conditioner stopped, the refrigerator paused. It was if there was a designated moment of silence just for me.  It was the first time home alone since I have been a mom. I rather liked it. Don't judge me. 

Someone asked how to pronounce her name.. Is it Josie or Jozy. It's like "Jo see". But you can call her Jozy (like cozy only different). That doesn't bother me, in fact I probably won't even notice. 

But for pete's sake call her a her, or she, or a girl. I can have her in pink with large flowers and bows and people be like.. "What's his name". I be like... Up in yo face. (In my mind). Just saying. But I sweetly say, "HER name is Josie. Isn't SHE beautiful?" 

I know some may see a little squished up nose or her lip scar or her short hair. But to me.. I see PERFECTION. I could just eat her up. With kisses. And I do. Poor child, being traumatized with kisses. 

Others expectations

I am struggling with terrible neck pain and sore throat this week. Add that to hormones and then a coughing, runny nose,  rattling chest daughter. And again add to that I have had several people say that J is smart enough to potty train. 

So my mind was telling me that I need to potty train because that's what people expect for a almost 3 yr old. 

If I was a good mom, then I would. 

We tried it for a hour and she wet herself twice. And she didn't care one bit that she was wet. Not one bit. And it made me angry. So we quit. I am not a good mom. But right now, I want to be happy mom. 

People may not understand or see what I do every day. Yes, she is smart, very smart but remember we still have a language barrier. Sure, she understands a lot, but she can't vocalize it.  Sitting on the potty brings the tears and the self soothing scratching back. My mind flashes back to the roughest weeks of my life in China. Are we really on a time table?  Do I need to bring back the fears? 

Just this week she started saying potty when looking at it, but would never tell me if she needs to go. I always have to ask her. If I ask her a question three times in a row, I may get a yes one time, a no the next time, and a yes the next time. Or vice versa. 

Sometimes or maybe most times, I will fail to meet others expectations, but know that I'm trying. I am. I have no idea want I'm doing and I am learning from my mistakes. Jumping into a three year old life isn't easy. But it sure is hilarious at times. And thankfully she is very forgiving. 

I laugh as I see my faults in her, but it scares me beyond imagination. Sometimes you don't hear how your words sound until they are repeated back to you. She started saying "hey" very loudly if I wasn't paying attention. I realized that was what I was doing if I called her name twice and she wasn't paying attention. It is always when she is doing something that she shouldn't be. I found I don't like it said back to me. 

G and I have always disliked when people raised their voices at their kids. But I get it now... It's exhausting to get up and go to your child when they aren't listening or responding to you. It's easier to get loud. Again... I'm trying. 

Hats off to you parents. I knew it was a hard work, I just didn't understand how hard. I thank God that we have so many good parents to look to for examples. 

Our favorite word of the week is "umb wa wa" for umbrella. 😃  Her accent on the word car is very New York. She learned moon, hurt, sorry, cry, happy, zebra, frog, cow, blocks, book, elbow, knee, brush teeth, tissue, lotion, towel, cold, hot, beep, boom, hey, elephant, airplane, cough, cookie, banana, hug, and go fast. She remembers to wipe her feet inside the door and if you don't, she will remind you with points and noises. She loves to pray before meals and doesn't forget. In fact if we get up to use the restroom, she will want to pray again.  She can reply to what is your name and how old are you. Btw, we taught her that she is three. We figured we would save time since her birthday is on the 6th of July 😎. She is pretty much always bare foot now. 

She reverted back to using Mama and Baba instead of mommy and daddy. It's kinda heart melting, so we may just stay those titles. Grandma is the only family that she remembers their name. Her favorite food as of now is grapes!  She begs for them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She always begs for walks every day and asks to go bye byes every morning noon and night. We have learned that she likes fish. This makes Baba proud being his favorite meat is fish. She loves to sway to music which makes Mama proud. Lol. 

I do know that she has stolen our hearts! Completely. I just can't get over how God brought her to us. Special ... Just for us. We are learning to love deeper than we have known. We wouldn't trade her for the world.

"First we had each other.

Then we had you. 

Now we have everything."

Thought life

I had a dream about mustard seed. I had my one hand full of them and they were sliding through my fingers and pinging on the floor. I remember quoting the Scripture about having faith and moving mountains to my friends around me. 

I am behind in my daily devotions but this is how God works in our imperfections...

I open up my devotional and it is based around Matthew 17:20.

 "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."  

My eyes teared up... This is just how much God knows about each one of us. God knows that I believe this in the bottom of my heart but that I had a hard week. A week that doesn't show this faith. 

May God fill our hearts with a faith that moves our mountains and the mountains around our unbelieving friends that they may believe. 

Hobbies

I'm in this fb group for moms. One thing I noticed is that most of the moms listed hobbies. How??  Just how??  I mean my hobbies are brushing my teeth and washing my hair. 

I can't even sit down to pay a bill. Or look at a mail flyer. Or go to the bathroom by myself. 

I have been looking at my paints dreamingly. And I can tell you... That ain't happening. 

I tried to sew a seam with her tucked under my arm.  She wants to see anything new.  She kept grabbing for the needle. After I repeatedly told her ouchie. So I poked her with one. I wouldn't make mother of the year, day, hour, or second. But she didn't grab again. 

We went through flash cards of alphabet and basic words, numbers, and colors. Sometimes I wonder if we are just dumping too much in but she kinda likes it. But then she points to a bat and says apple. I may have gotten loud and said, "NO, apples are RED and ROUND, people!!!"  And at the fabric store, she pointed at fabric and said "puppy". 

I guess the words, apple and puppy work when all else fails. 

I introduced J to bubbles today :). It was fun to see and hear her. She seems rather annoyed at the fact that they popped/disappeared when landing or touched. If they got in her face, she ran away and jabbered all kinds of silliness. 

She isn't very vocal in English yet, but tonight G ate a ice cream sandwich and the chocolate stuck to his fingers. He licked them, and J let out a very loud .."NO, NO, NO, NO".  Hilarious. I didn't think I talked to her much about licking her fingers, but apparently she has gotten the point. 

I took my my first night off. G kept J for the evening. She happily waved goodbye like she does for everyone. She is sssooo not attached yet. It makes me worried that I should be doing something more or maybe I'm doing something wrong. And yes, God knows that I fail but I'm trying so hard. I know she likes me... But I still kinda wanted her to miss me. 

I had such a great time just walking the mall with my besties.  And visiting the dollar store. You know it... It is what fits our budget:). Actually we (one of us) needed pool noodles for a project. So we bought 24 pool noodles and acted like silly kids along with the giggling. They told me stories of their naughty kids to make me feel normal and that I'm not losing my marbles. 

We ended with Krumpes Donuts and then Sweet Frog. Hmm. I may just make it to Friday. 

Sheets

I've always said that there are very few things that are better than clean fresh sheets and that when I get rich (aka never) that I'm going to have a house keeper. And that house keeper would wash my sheets every night. Cool, refreshing, and smooth. 

What do you know... I am my very own house keeper and I could wash them every day. But now, I'm too tired too care. 

I told G Thursday night that I didn't have plans for Friday. He was like "good". Oh no, dude, that is not good. So not good. 

One thing I had prayed before we left to go to get Josie in China was that she would like outdoors (for my sanity).  God came through on that one. Wowsers. She loves going outside or going bye bye. So not having plans means whining and hours that seems to go on and on. 

Today was the first time that she asked to go inside. It was because we got a old child's table and chair from Mom today. Apparently it was a serious hit!! She loves it. I thought... I will teach her that she only gets a pen if she is sitting there. And I turned my eyes for a moment and she had scribbled on a chair. Thankfully it was a black chair. 

I know... Welcome to parenthood. It only get worse from here. 

We went out tonight for India food. We are trying hard to not limit stuff just because we now have a child. But there are just a few things that aren't the same. Like for example... Having to change a hideous smelling diaper in the middle of your dinner. Somehow coming back to that meal just isn't the same. 

Then back home on a Friday night to watch a baby Einstein video on things around the house (like chair, refrigerator, bathtub, bowl). Can anyone say BORING?  

G is taking bath time and go to sleep routine/massage. I'm taking night duty. I think we had four pretty good nights. And then the last two have been rough. We do the guessing game every time... Wondering what we need to do. Do we need another nightlight, or does it have to be certain pjs, or sheet?  Or is she grieving, or angry, or only needs 8 hrs of sleep a day?  

One month

Only one month has past. 

It has been a beautiful month in so many ways even through all the grief, tears and pain. 

The beauty of her personality shining through. The beauty of our never ceasing prayer warriors. The beauty of leaning on God like never before. The beauty of that first kiss or hug that was given and not asked for. The beauty of having someone to call you momma and daddy. The beauty of her reaching for our hands before we eat to pray and her voice singing loud blabbering along with us. The beauty of her just taking the world in. The beauty of sleep. 

But I do feel as we have aged 14 years in that month.  It's ONLY been a month?? If G wasn't already bald, he would be now. :)  I have more and more glitter (that's what they call it now days) peeking through my hair. 

I asked him today... Do you feel surrounded by crying females?  (It's kinda like that question.. Does this dress make me look fat?). Probably no right answer. 

This evening we went out to play with her in the yard. Does every almost 3 year old have a attention span of 2.5 seconds? Oh my word. Shoot me now, it makes me about hyperventilate. 

" Here is a ball, let kick it, but oh here is a leaf. Let's pick that up. Oh another leaf. Oh, that's a bird, I don't like it, I'll hide behind a parent. Oh I see a ball. Let's play ball. But half way to the ball, I see the picnic table. Let's crawl on table and pull at the flowers. Oh. Dad has the ball and I want it. NOW. Oh another leaf. There are leaves everywhere. I must take them to the fire pit. Oh, I'm cross now, mama has MY ball. I want it. Oh there is my trampoline. Let's jump. Maybe. Maybe not. I see water, let's slash. Oh, I think there is a ball over there. "

If you can't shoot me, can you at least knock me out with the ball????

This morning I went to the mall to walk with a friend so that we both could get out of the house with our daughters. It was heavenly... Just walking at a slow speed. 

This afternoon I vacuumed the house, part of it with her on my shoulders until she was pulling my hair out. She doesn't like the sound of the vacuum.  She was getting a little better about it till we were finished. She loves loves loves to help. It's painful but I do try to have her help. She sprayed the windex with my help. She got her own rag to help wash the kitchen floor. We even make some sugar cookies out of one of those packets. She helps hand the clothes up to the washer and then wants to put them in the dryer.

 She randomly sings the first tunes of running over and deep & wide. Side note,  she apparently needs less sleep than mama. She understands probably 90% of what we address to her. She doesn't speak it, but understands. Like open the door, or close, back up, or go downstairs, outside, pool, going on a walk, want a drink, are you hungry, come, take this to the trash, put this on your high chair, eat this and I give you this, wait here, don't touch, read a book, hot, cold, change your diaper, stroller ride, daddy's home... The list could go on and on. 

Her words.. Yogurt, banana, apple, ball, car, duck, mailbox, sign, monkey, puppy, flower, shoes, baby, pool, glasses, eyes, nose, toes, tree, leaf, I love you, I see you, peekaboo (sounds like beyou), mama, daddy, grandma, Josie, running over, oh dear, excuse me, ouch...... That's about a word a day. It blows my mind of the changes that she has faced in the last month. 

Hey, if you know shoes, I love you, glasses and pool... What else do you need?? :)

She never ceases to amaze us on how much she is learning in just these few weeks. 

Our sleeping has gotten better. We have a little routine. Bath, then a lotion massage that lasts foooooorever and lavender.... Until her eyes get so heavy. Then a minute or two holding her and into the crib without much fight. G can put her down too, we take turns. 

But no naps. Period. But she will get old someday and seriously regret that. Sooo not my fault. 

I was rarely home when G came home because I worked later days. I am sooo excited to see him pull in now. Yes it's because I miss him myself.  But I also miss him for us. Josie is soo excited to see him and likes to follow him around. I like that. ALOT. Lol. 

Good days bad days

Its just like anything in life. There are good and there is bad. 

She has been waking up again. It's so hard to know.. Is it grief, is it fear, is it just wanting to get up, or is it anger. There are so many times we LONG to know more. It would be such a blessing to have her history. What does she remember?  What does she miss? The nannies or the other kids? Did they rub her back when she cried or did they just let her cry? Does she remember her surgery? Was she in a lot of pain? We missed so much. 

It's fun to visit our local stops and tonight we tried going to our favorite pizza shop. The owner always comes and says hello. He did tonight and he mentioned that we had someone new with us. We told him that she was our daughter. He said "oh, she is so lucky". My mind immediately flashes to those first days... Of the grief and pain and the loss. That's not lucky.  

We (the parents) are the "lucky" aka blessed ones. 

Today was a good day. Probably because yesterday was so bad. I'm pretty sure it was all mama's fault. I can so boldly see my failures. So impatient and annoyed.  I just wanted to snap. I mentally was so bored and feeling like I had no purpose in life. (Seriously the biggest thing I did was a load of laundry)( playing blocks and holding J just didn't feel important enough). And Josie was so forgiving and that made me feel even more guilty. By the time G got home..I was in tears. He wanted to know why I was crying and I didn't know. (Please don't tell me if nobody else does this because I want to believe that I'm not alone) (I want to believe that not EVERYONE else has it all together)(please please don't tell me if I'm wrong). 

After he got home... I realized how empty I was. Yes, I should have realized this in the morning but I didn't. I opened my Bible randomly that evening and in Psalm 139 it hit me between the eyes. 

God is here. He is aware of me and all of my struggles. "You have created me, knitted me together. I will praise You. I am not hidden from You. All of my ordained days are written in Your book, Lord, even before they came to be"

So this morning, I woke earlier than J and filled my heart with Scripture again. Such a difference in my spirit. 

She is basically poo potty trained since we got her. But occasionally not. She doesn't tell us... We have to ask and ask and ask. It's somewhat annoying to always be asking but yet a huge blessing.   But Dr Dibbs wants us to do parasite testing which is a routine thing to do when first home. But this means 4 samples, one every other day. I have completed one, and we have three more to go. I told G that maybe one reason I cried is because scooping up poo with a disposable spoon and putting in a vial makes me cry. (Don't judge me... How recently have you done this?~~ grooosss). 

On weds G went with us to John Hopkins to see our international adoption specialist. J did great in the way there but was getting a little wiggly until we got there. Dr Dibbs is a truly great doctor, and yes worth the wait (we were taken back a hr and a half late). She was happy with Josie's development and health. We are to follow up with the cleft team and cardiologist. She had a history of ASD so we need to check if that has healed up or will need closed. She has a repaired lip, but has a split in the gum line, that we need to evaluate. 

We decided to go ahead and do some blood work while we were there and I was so happy that G was there to hold her. Me and bloodwork doesn't work well. She did sooo good though. Just whimpered. I feed her animal crackers and it was all good. We were so proud on how good she did for the whole entire visit. 

On the way home she fell asleep. We were so hungry but we were not about to stop after she fell asleep. We drove back to Hagerstown to Chick a fil and G treated us. J can't wait to finish eating so that she could play on in the kids tunnels.

Today we went to some yard sales to see if we could find a small kids table with a chair and a tricycle. We didn't find either, but got a few cheap educational toys. 

I took her out for a run in the afternoon (she loves stroller rides and I need quiet time for me). I play music and it's kinda my time out. To some, it may seem like I'm walking that I'm going so slow but running is not natural for me but still a stress reliever. 

I don't know what day it is

We have had two beautiful amazing fabulous refreshing God given nights of total sleep. 11 hrs of blissful sleeping for Miss J. 

And she has went down without a fight. Only God. 

We started to sing God is great instead of normal praying. Oh it so fun to see how fast she caught on and closes her eyes and holds our hands and sings loud Chinese blabber along with us. She occasionally starts the tune to "running over" while she is playing. 

Days are good overall. But the last two days it has been rainy. I need it to stop. J points at the door ... Maybe a hundred times at day wanting to go out. It's driving mama crazy. I finally went out late afternoon for a stroller ride and then left her play in the yard. She was ssssso annoyed that she was wet. Well, tough luck, mama thinks. 

She knows some of the dumbest words because she points at stuff as we go up the road. She points at every mailbox and says malbox.. Or sign and says sin. But yet she can't remember grass or leaves or trees or bird.  Ok then. 

She has finally gotten over her cough after 3 weeks. G is going with us to John Hopkins in Baltimore tomorrow to see our adoption specialist Dr Dibbs. We will see how the 1 1/2 hour trip goes. 

I feel like my brain is going to mush. Have I EVER said "no" soo much or "do you have to go potty"?  Seriously. 

No you shouldn't touch the electrical socket. No I'm not mean, I'm just trying to keep you from dying. Do you have to go potty? No, don't stick your hands in your diaper. Do you have to go potty? No, you can't run out into the road. Do you have to go potty? No, it's raining outside, we can't play out there. 

Oh, you decided to poo in your diaper instead. Nice.

I've always went with the policy that if everything was covered with dust and it was un disturbed... Then it was not very noticeable. Well, J is disturbing my dirt. Namely my window blinds.... And now you can see fingerprints everywhere. You can write stories in them. Seriously...before you couldn't tell they were dirty. 

Unless, you are freak of nature and go to people's houses looking for dirt. And if you are, then go away. Amen. Annnnnywho, that's what I managed to get done today.  Wiped my blinds. And dusted a few things around the house. And vacuumed under the couch. 

Apparently I rock. You just had NO idea, did you?