Be still.

She was bathing and said "Josie loves mama" and reached her tiny little wet arms and little lips up to kiss and hug me.

 

First time ever without being prompted. 

Be still my heart. Be still. 

God cares about our little stuff

I remember praying over and over that Josie would love being in the stroller, would love to swim, would love to be outdoors. I begged God to please please even though I knew it was a "dumb request. But I still prayed it because I knew that those things would be a stress reliever for me. 

From day one, she hated our hotel room and wanted out. The was probably due to remembering that's where she was left    but still. She learned to like the stroller that last week in China and has loved it since. She begs to go bye bye and wants outside any chance she can get. The smile that lights up her face when I ask her if she wants to go swim... Well, it lights up my heart. 

Every time we get in the pool... I'm in awe of God.  And I thank Him.  

I thank Him for caring enough about the little things.

Last evening, we all jumped in for a hour after G got home from work. Once again my world straightened. 

Losing me

I just can't, I said... Anymore. This mom stuff is HARD. I want to bang those heads together that say that being a stay at home mom is easy. Because it's not. 

As soon as G came home, I handed her over and went into the bedroom to cry. I'm not working hard so it does make sense that I'm tired but I'm emotionally exhausted.  But I pulled it together once again after giving it up to God. 

I CAN because God has asked me too. I CAN because God will give the strength. 

I think every morning my first thoughts are... Who am I?  Am I still in there? Will I ever laugh and be carefree again? Will my people still love me if I have changed?  Will she learn to love me?  Can I have fun  and be silly? 

Tonight I had my second night away since J (2 months). My coworkers invited me to be on their volleyball team. 

I NEEDED THIS!! 

I can't tell you what this did for my spirit. 

Feet in the sand, running, sweating it out. 

Laughing, teasing, hearing work stories, trying new strategies. They put me in the back of the diamond right where I needed to be. Pouring my new found energy into the ball and sand. Running. Running. 

Call me evil and judge me but I forgot for moments that I was a mom. And that EVERY DETAIL of my life changed in the last two months. 

All that mattered was that I would get the ball. 

God knew I needed that too. He knows my heart is filled with love for J & G and that they are my everything but he knew that I needed that away time. 

Thank you, God, for volleyballs, sand, and sweat. Thank you for a calmed spirit. 

 

Speechless that God picked me

Mama's heart

This morning was rough... Wow. First she woke up with sad crying. We tried to comfort her but she just wanted to get up. When the answer was no.. The screaming started. The kind of screaming that you will lose your voice. And the kicking. Feet pounding the bed. 

We pray for guidance. We pray for peace. We pray for her heart to heal. I pray especially for my heart. 

After she finally fell back to sleep, then the talking/shouting nightmares started. This is the first for that. 

I read it all pre adoption. I'm prepared, I said. I'm aware she will have night terrors and I expected head banging.

Now we have different experiences then that but I know now that you can never be prepared. Lol. 

I can stand the screaming, I can even stand the nightmare talking. But the kicking makes me angry. You know, we all have this image that our children are going to act a certain way. Well, I may as well forget it. All of our children have struggles. But I hate that I can't know what Josie's is. I HATE that I don't know what fears she is facing. I HATE that I don't know how she had been treated.  

This is why I pray for Mama's heart.  That I give her patience, love, and grace. Because God gives it to me even when I don't deserve it.  And I don't. Deserve. It. 

Blabbering

We finally got our family pictures taken last night after being canceled last week because of raining. I am ssssoo happy that's over. 

Last week...What heeing and hawing over what to wear. We were going with pink, black, white, and denim. Well, that narrows Miss J's clothes down to half. Haha. I love pink. I can't not lie.  And my friends know it and blessed her with lots of pretty pink.  I had the entire bed covered with clothes. I had them all picked out... And then I decided that our pinks didn't match. Oh dear. 

Then it rained that original date. 

Then yesterday I decided I didn't like what I had picked out...  

My brain cell of decision making must have died from eating to many noodles. 

It went 99% better than I had guessed. If we get one picture that's none blurry, than our photographer rocks. It's a moving target. 

Tonight I finished J's birthday cake. We are celebrating a early birthday with my family tomorrow night. 

Yes, pink, black, and white are still the theme. I know, it doesn't look like a 3 year olds cake... But I don't care. I made a cake. I still win. And I may have balloons. I double win. 

G took Josie down to the fire station tonight for under a hr. I was working on the cake decorating.  It was sooo quiet. I barely remember silence.  I heard that it was raining and then stopped.  The air conditioner stopped, the refrigerator paused. It was if there was a designated moment of silence just for me.  It was the first time home alone since I have been a mom. I rather liked it. Don't judge me. 

Someone asked how to pronounce her name.. Is it Josie or Jozy. It's like "Jo see". But you can call her Jozy (like cozy only different). That doesn't bother me, in fact I probably won't even notice. 

But for pete's sake call her a her, or she, or a girl. I can have her in pink with large flowers and bows and people be like.. "What's his name". I be like... Up in yo face. (In my mind). Just saying. But I sweetly say, "HER name is Josie. Isn't SHE beautiful?" 

I know some may see a little squished up nose or her lip scar or her short hair. But to me.. I see PERFECTION. I could just eat her up. With kisses. And I do. Poor child, being traumatized with kisses. 

Others expectations

I am struggling with terrible neck pain and sore throat this week. Add that to hormones and then a coughing, runny nose,  rattling chest daughter. And again add to that I have had several people say that J is smart enough to potty train. 

So my mind was telling me that I need to potty train because that's what people expect for a almost 3 yr old. 

If I was a good mom, then I would. 

We tried it for a hour and she wet herself twice. And she didn't care one bit that she was wet. Not one bit. And it made me angry. So we quit. I am not a good mom. But right now, I want to be happy mom. 

People may not understand or see what I do every day. Yes, she is smart, very smart but remember we still have a language barrier. Sure, she understands a lot, but she can't vocalize it.  Sitting on the potty brings the tears and the self soothing scratching back. My mind flashes back to the roughest weeks of my life in China. Are we really on a time table?  Do I need to bring back the fears? 

Just this week she started saying potty when looking at it, but would never tell me if she needs to go. I always have to ask her. If I ask her a question three times in a row, I may get a yes one time, a no the next time, and a yes the next time. Or vice versa. 

Sometimes or maybe most times, I will fail to meet others expectations, but know that I'm trying. I am. I have no idea want I'm doing and I am learning from my mistakes. Jumping into a three year old life isn't easy. But it sure is hilarious at times. And thankfully she is very forgiving. 

I laugh as I see my faults in her, but it scares me beyond imagination. Sometimes you don't hear how your words sound until they are repeated back to you. She started saying "hey" very loudly if I wasn't paying attention. I realized that was what I was doing if I called her name twice and she wasn't paying attention. It is always when she is doing something that she shouldn't be. I found I don't like it said back to me. 

G and I have always disliked when people raised their voices at their kids. But I get it now... It's exhausting to get up and go to your child when they aren't listening or responding to you. It's easier to get loud. Again... I'm trying. 

Hats off to you parents. I knew it was a hard work, I just didn't understand how hard. I thank God that we have so many good parents to look to for examples. 

Our favorite word of the week is "umb wa wa" for umbrella. 😃  Her accent on the word car is very New York. She learned moon, hurt, sorry, cry, happy, zebra, frog, cow, blocks, book, elbow, knee, brush teeth, tissue, lotion, towel, cold, hot, beep, boom, hey, elephant, airplane, cough, cookie, banana, hug, and go fast. She remembers to wipe her feet inside the door and if you don't, she will remind you with points and noises. She loves to pray before meals and doesn't forget. In fact if we get up to use the restroom, she will want to pray again.  She can reply to what is your name and how old are you. Btw, we taught her that she is three. We figured we would save time since her birthday is on the 6th of July 😎. She is pretty much always bare foot now. 

She reverted back to using Mama and Baba instead of mommy and daddy. It's kinda heart melting, so we may just stay those titles. Grandma is the only family that she remembers their name. Her favorite food as of now is grapes!  She begs for them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She always begs for walks every day and asks to go bye byes every morning noon and night. We have learned that she likes fish. This makes Baba proud being his favorite meat is fish. She loves to sway to music which makes Mama proud. Lol. 

I do know that she has stolen our hearts! Completely. I just can't get over how God brought her to us. Special ... Just for us. We are learning to love deeper than we have known. We wouldn't trade her for the world.

"First we had each other.

Then we had you. 

Now we have everything."