Mama's heart

This morning was rough... Wow. First she woke up with sad crying. We tried to comfort her but she just wanted to get up. When the answer was no.. The screaming started. The kind of screaming that you will lose your voice. And the kicking. Feet pounding the bed. 

We pray for guidance. We pray for peace. We pray for her heart to heal. I pray especially for my heart. 

After she finally fell back to sleep, then the talking/shouting nightmares started. This is the first for that. 

I read it all pre adoption. I'm prepared, I said. I'm aware she will have night terrors and I expected head banging.

Now we have different experiences then that but I know now that you can never be prepared. Lol. 

I can stand the screaming, I can even stand the nightmare talking. But the kicking makes me angry. You know, we all have this image that our children are going to act a certain way. Well, I may as well forget it. All of our children have struggles. But I hate that I can't know what Josie's is. I HATE that I don't know what fears she is facing. I HATE that I don't know how she had been treated.  

This is why I pray for Mama's heart.  That I give her patience, love, and grace. Because God gives it to me even when I don't deserve it.  And I don't. Deserve. It.