Catching up

A lot of water when over the dam since I last wrote. 

Things are good here at the house, yes, we all have attitude problems daily, and it looks like the house exploded but it’s all good :). It seemed like this winter was the longest one that I have ever experienced, but it’s almost pool weather (we put in the water yesterday!). 

We decided that we wanted another daughter and we choose adoption again and promptly started our paperwork.  After dealing with pain and bleeding with endometriosis for 5+ years and already one surgery under my belt, we decided that it was totally affecting my quality of life and the docs agreed a year ago that there was no saving it. So we decided to quick have the surgery before we finalized the home study so that we wouldn’t have to pay for a update (basically you can’t hiccup without telling the state🙄). So out with it!!  And let me tell you, pain and bleeding free. Wow. It’s a huge blessing!! 

We had talked long and hard with Josie to see if she wanted a sibling and the bottom line was that her only fear as that she would have to go back to China. She thought someone may take her away from us. From her personal experience, you just never know what is around the next corner. There was a lot of explaining about how that’s not going to happen.... in fact over my dead body (I didn’t tell her that part). She is excited about Baby LuLu (a random nickname that G came up with so we didn’t call our new daughter “it”) and she prays for her often. 

I personally thought that I may lose my mind with all the adoption papers floating around and then surgery. And add on top of that, I started doing Sharpie Art drawing to raise a little money.  I’ve made over 60 due to two stores taking a chance on me and a lot of friends that love me. I have loved making each one of them and pray over each one. Ps, I would love to draw one for you too :)

Then this weekend we did a yardsale fundraiser towards the adoption paperwork. It was a huge yardsale and I spent weeks working towards it, pricing and organizing as people donated until my basement was full and flowing into two other room.  It rained non stop for a week or more before and I prayed for sunshine and lost many of sleeps over it. 

But then God supplied sunshine and people....

“Only you, Lord could make the rain hold until we had all things packed up!  Only you, Lord could touch your people to donate, pray for us, and help us set up, and then to come and support by buying!”

The support of my family, our adoptive community, and friends held us through those three days... and reminded us that we can’t do it alone! 

I was utterly spent after Saturday. I told G that I don’t think I have ever worked so hard!  And after it was all over...the emotions came.  A few months ago a friend asked me while looking down at her tiny baby.. “how do you stand waiting knowing that your Baby is probably already born?”  In honesty, I do my best to block the emotions and tell myself that God can protect her. But if you let your mind go, you know that there are children dying from health issues or not enough food, or even abuse. 

And that might be MY girl. 

And then you crack. 

Realizing that it could be a year or two or three or four. 

And then I made the mistake this morning of walking through the little girls section at Walmart and ending up with tiny shoes and a tiny swimsuit. I haven’t had to walk all through the pain that goes along with infertility and it still cuts deep to the soul. Unless you have walked this journey then you are most likely to think I’m fruitcake. And that may be possible. But go ahead and pray for this fruitcake. 

We just finished our 3yr post adoption report for J. It’s hard to believe how she has grown. Today is her last day of Kindergarten and tonight is graduation 🎓. Oh pooie, I’ll probably cry again. 

For China you have 6 months for finalize your documents for your dossier (most of the documents need to created and then have to go through 5 steps). We are at 3 months and had a talk with my family coordinator today and it’s going to be running tight. If they don’t get finished by 6 months then you start over. We don’t want to do that 👀. 

Well, I have a house piled up around me and Josie is having a sleepover tonight with her best friend for the first time ever so she can come to the graduation. I imagine I will be peeling them off the roof several times. Peace out. 

Sickness in the house

Satan is mean and knows to kick us when we are down. Little one has been sick for days and sleep is barely happening for all thee of us. As Gary walked in the door, I escaped to the bedroom to sob. First time parenting a high fever and uncontrollable coughing and gagging. We had tried everything and nothing worked. 

My sleepless mind told me.. “you are a failure!  You can’t even parent your own child. You will never succeed in life. You are a useless person. 

She managed to keep her banana and medicine down for two hours so I gave her a popsicle. As I handed it to her... she looked up with her beautiful shining eyes and said, “Mom, you are the best Mom ever “. I walked away fighting tears. 

“This is fun”.. she says. I ask, “Honey, what are you talking about?”  “Being together” she replies as she grins from ear to ear. 

He smiled upon the cheeseburger

I was fine this morning doing laundry and hanging with Mom and then slam pile, a migraine is full on. The kind that if you roll your eyes to look at something, it just shoots pain. My dear friend was just telling me how she had just learned that our brain has a protective membrane around it and that it is proven that unhealthy eating will destroy it over time. Studies are showing the effects of this and they are including ADHD, Autism, and a long list of medical conditions as symptoms. 

When I have migraines, I’m nearly convinced that I have something terrible a wrong with me and that’s going to make my head explode. Now I can blame it on too many HoHo’s and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. 

I was on the way home and was so in so much pain that my eyes wanted to shut and it was 1:30. I thought I need to take meds and need food and my brain membrane is apparently already shot. So what did I do, rolled right into McDonald’s for a dollar plus cheeseburger. 

As I flopped on the wonderfully soft couch, closing my eyes for a tiny bit of relief, and with one hand holding my head and the other stuffing my mouth... I thought “ Jesus is pleased with this hamburger 🍔!”  God knows this has been a rough lonely week, and he cares. And he can use a junky old hamburger to show it. 

Day of Leisure

Such a beautiful day... I dropped off Josie and two others at school. And drove to Winchester and I literally shopped the entire store of Gabe's and felt every piece of clothing and took my time. No one to rush me or hide from me or tease me or drive me nutso. It was blissful. Then to the dermatologist... which I could have done without but they froze three warts that I'm sick of. Gary warned me that it hurt but I was unprepared that it was going to hurt sooo bad for 1/2 hr. Like stabbing and on fire 🔥 pain.  

Then my dear husband met me for lunch.. oh it's been sooo long. I forgotten what dates are like. I have forgotten how to smile across the table. It makes me choke up at the specialness. We been through a whole heap in the last years. I almost forget those precious carefree days. We had a whole hour of chatting until he had to go back to work. He works so hard... I know most people don't look at his job as "hard work " but I'm telling you, most people couldn't do his job. And he rocks it.  And I'm so proud of him, so proud. But most of that pride comes from his character. Such a God fearing honest man. Hard to come by, I tell you. 

I still had a little time before I needed to head back for school pick up so I headed to Sharp Shopper and then to Food Maxx (international food store), my favorite store ever. 

I literally want to give hugs to all the shelf stockers, the cashiers, and to everyone in the seaweed aisle. Yes, I said seaweed. Josie loves it so it makes me feel like we are all family 🤓. Yes I'm weird but I love being surrounded with all kinds of nationalities of people and hey, even American people that are branching out pass pizza and fries!

It was such a treat of a day. The peacefulness may have crashed to a screeching halt when I got a note from the teacher of a certain little girl that just happened to kick a child and push another one all in the same recess.  Oh. Back to earth. Back to earth. 

Forgiveness

If you want to see true forgiveness... ask your 4 yr old. It made me think of how God forgives me. 

I used words that I should not have used and had to apologize to Josie. I, while crying, told her that I was sorry and that I do try to be a good mom even though I fail ssooo bad. She wrapped her arms around me so tight and covering my face with kisses and said, "but mom you are still a good mom" "I forgive you and love you" "it's ok, you can stop crying". 

And just like that... she loves me and forgives even though I'm a mess. 

God does that too, but sometimes I think we down inside forget that God truly forgets our sins. Washed them again. We are white again. He isn't going to hold them against us. Our record had been cleared.  Praise God!  Let's start a brand new clean slate day because of His Grace. 

Weight on your shoulders

I just keep picturing this...

A mom dragging her toddler kicking and fighting into a building that they were going to inject a poison into the child to kill them. Or pull their arms, legs, and head off until they die. 

Because she, the mom has a life to live. The child is just too big of a burden.. too messy, too expensive. 

Everyone in that town knows that the mom is going to kill the child but NO one does a thing. They just watch. It's her choice they say. They may even hold her arm and help her in. 

Or what if it's a mom with her teenager?  "I'm done with you, I will tear you to pieces and sell your body parts and make money. 

You say... that's not true, that's murder, that's illegal. We would do something. We would call the police or child services. Yes, we would. We would throw our bodies down and fight for the child, the teenager. We would fight!!

The mom walks into the clinic and the child is fighting, kicking in the womb...it is ok to tear their body apart piece by piece or inject them with a poison to make them die. It's legal. It's the mom's choice. So we just stand by and watch. 

What will you do??

To China and Back

It was a hard trip. That's the short and long of it. It was so different than what I dreamed because instead of hugging the kiddos I was in the kitchen chopping, and peeling. I know God had placed me right where I was but it was hard to accept. I was running on 4-6 hrs of sleep a night which emotionally I was overwhelmed too. But God was there. His presence was real. 

Every time I get to go to China it's a dream come true. I just want to keep my eyes open and drink in every detail of my daughters land and culture. Even the "gross".  I looked out my 16th floor hotel window every morning and thought out there somewhere on this side of the world is her biological mom. The mom that chose life. I will never stop being thankful for her mom. 

The children tug on my heart strings. They are being taken care of well, their nannys love them!!  But they still need families. They need to be able to be cuddled and snuggled at night when they are afraid. They need long bath times to splash and be silly. They need a mama to work through their shell to see their true beauty that's hiding. One evening a little girl threw herself into a stiff board and screamed at bedtime. I cried because it was a throwback of Josie. And I see how changed Josie is and how much healing has happened and I want to see it in every one of these precious kids. But I also see the good. I nearly got wet eyes every time that a child held their arms in the air to be held. They know the love of being lifted and squeezed. Josie didn't do that.. she didn't know. Seeing love being poured into these children is priceless. They are truly being the father to the fatherless.  It is run all on donations and if you have a little extra to share... they need it.  https://www.zhanjiangkids.org/

Josie make a list of things she wanted to do while I was gone and it was long :). Sky Zone, ice skating, bowling, buy a fish, go to the mall, play play doh, and on and on. She truly loves her Baba and they had a party. Thankfully I was able to FaceTime them every day. 

I am so thankful for Nola, Sonya, Janette, and Gary. I was worried about Josie while I was gone but apparently there was no need :). In fact I think Josie is annoyed that I'm home. She has said countless times.. "I'm boring" aka for I'm bored. Brat level has leveled up 14 notches. Sheesh.  Next week I plan on cocooning in for a few days. I need a large portion of love and anger management and she needs a portion of respect. 

I am reminded again in how amazing my husband is. He literally had the time of his life taking care of Josie and loving on her.  My friend said early morning Gary always arrived smiling. Yup, that's him. Please Lord help him rub off on me!!  They have always had a special bond but now it seems even closer. I came up from showering last night and he had her pjed, teeth brushed, and hair combed. He is all hands on deck dad.