She is 7

I thought it was going to be an absolutely fine day. I was going to ignore the date. March 28. How could we celebrate? She is still in China and is not ours legally and will never be. Then why did I decide today was the day to look up the words that I personally spoke 2 yrs ago. 

Then the loss of not having the chance to lavishly love her poured over me, crushing me yet again. 

Way back then, God called us, we believed, so we confidently moved forward in faith. Late in the year of 2019, we were given the first picture of our sweet would be second daughter. 

She was 2 years old. 

And then for years, we fought stumbling forward on our knees, clinging to Jesus. 

Then the door slammed shut in our faces, our bodies piling up on the outside.  A funeral of what?  Dreams.  Beliefs. 

Where was this God that moves mountains? 

We stumbled through five years of heart crushing pain for what? 

She just turned seven years old. 

You may ask why I still believe in a God when horrible things happen.  I still wonder every single day why God would ask us to follow Him to a dead end. How will He be able to redeem this?  

Do you have questions too? Do you wonder how God is going to redeem you and your situations?

I can scream WHY??? and have temper tantrums at God!!!  You can too. 

But one thing that I have learned that it doesn’t help.  Bitterness and anger will just eat your soul alive. Don’t even think of peace. Ask me how I know. Zero out of ten recommend. 

I’m still trying to trust His plan.  I still don’t get it, but I’m guessing I never will. 

But I can still say that I would never have made it through without Him.  What hope do I have without Him?  He has been faithful even through the days that the tears never stop. He has been faithful when I feel alone. 

No He didn’t move my mountain. Didn’t even budge it. You may think that is proof enough that He has failed. But I don’t believe that. 

He is going to make a way through the darkness. 

My devotions had this quote today “God has a perfect plan in the midst of a million imperfect realities”.

He works through mysterious ways. 

It could be through a hot pink basket dropped off at your house. 

It may be the 1000’s of prayers whispered over the years for Zuri. And us. 

It may be a song. 

It may be a child’s smile at the school cafeteria.

It may be 7 yellow roses in honor of her 7 yrs. 

It may be the woman’s child that bought Zuri’s stroller. 

It may be a faithful husband. 

It may be a counselor that prays over you. 

It may be how you feel like you are on Holy Ground.

It may be your daughter begging you to sleep with her. 

It may be the high, low, buffalo talks. 

It may be in the rocks that you find that are shaped in hearts. 

It may be in the change of my heart.

I promise He will show up in the little things but you have to promise to look for Him in them even in all the brokenness. Sometimes they are so tiny that it feels ridiculous. But don’t give up, He is here. 

For the one

Lost. Dirty. Beyond hope. Alone. 

Don’t believe the lies. 

He is here. 

Worth Celebrating

I was on a Jesus high from our Called Together weekend, hearing how of God’s faithfulness in our new friends stories and in re-telling our own story.

Yes, I was believing that the “house was on fire” behind me and it was totally ok because Jesus had this. 

God has this. 

He does. 

And I still believe that. 

But even while believing ..one day you are breathing just fine skipping along, and the next instant your chest is crushed and gasping to find air when grief hits you out of absolute nowhere.

That was Sunday.  A young man was having devotions and was asking if anyone would willingly give up a arm?  What about a leg?  Of course , no one wanted to. Then he went on to remind us how important each different part of the body is, and how necessary each one of us are. How each person matters to God. Well, that’s what I think he was saying. 

It didn’t even make sense at the time why all a sudden my air was gone.  Looking back, I can see how my mind was processing the words. 

Grief and screams of why.  

My baby girl is turning 5. And still without her mama. Her baba. Her sister. 

No pictures for a year. Silence. Is she still alive? Does anyone hold her? Or sing to her? Or make sure she has a full tummy? Is she tucked in at night with kisses?  Why does she have to pay for what she doesn’t deserve?

Monday night, a friend stopped in and as she sat at my kitchen table, the conversation turned to hard questions about the past and God’s faithfulness. She looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to hear her story of how God had been faithful in the past weeks.  

Oh, please do!!!

She told me that she looks for everyday miracles and shared a few with me. Little tiny things that happen throughout the day that remind us that Jesus is present and that He cares. 

Everyday miracles. Maybe I could find one on Zuri’s birthday. Maybe a half of one. Maybe a itsy bitsy one. 

Tuesday. She’s 5. 

My dear friend messaged early to let me know that she remembered my beautiful daughter and that she was worth while celebrating. Miracle.. I still have friends that love messy me. 

I was planning on refusing to celebrate. It hurt too much. I would throw stones at the lack of decisions that the cold hearted officials could change rules/policies but just flat out don’t care. I was just going to put my “lip gloss”  and ignore the day.

 

But with her words. My heart changed. 

SHE IS worth celebrating!!!  Someone may not be tucking her in tight with kisses. But someone is CELEBRATING her beautiful life!! 

We ARE!!

She isn’t one in a million to us. Her life is seeped into our daily, hourly, seconds of our thoughts. 

Look for the everyday miracles…the words tumbled through my foggy morning brain. 

So while waking up, I blasted our song for her “ Hold Her by For King and Country”.  Miracle..tears didn’t drown me. 

I dressed up in my Asian shirt and my 🐼 and Worth The Wait bracelets.  Miracle..I found a smile.

 

I sat down in the living room for a few minutes to read my Bible verse that pops up each morning to read.  Miracle..the verse. 

Then looked up and see our celebration pictures that we got taken over 3 yrs ago hanging there on the wall staring at me. Miracle.. suddenly the sun was shining in the window making a heart shape glare. 

Finished up the complicated building blocks set that I got for Josie for Chinese New Year. She abandoned the project from close to the beginning because of how hard it was. Miracle..it’s in one piece. Don’t even doubt my words. This set was ridiculous. 

I made a mistake at work that costed my employer a lot. It physically hurt my stomach and I wanted to pay for it. I will never forget his words. Miracle..his words.. “it’s nothing but a thing”.  Miracle.. forgiveness. 

Lord, help me to treat others with respect and dignity and to forgive. Lord, forgive me. 

Josie and I stopped to pick up 5 balloons because a birthday girl always needs balloons and then we sent a few in the air after Gary got home.. just for fun. I whispered prayers over them. Miracle..Josie’s joy. Miracle..the blue sky. Miracle..this green grass. 

We ended the day deciding to go to the local Chinese Banquet.  She had shiny pennies along to make wishes. She was concerned that she forgot to wish. I whispered in her ear that wishes are overrated and that I prayed for her that Zuri would come home. Her smile stretched wide. Miracle..after 3 yrs of praying the same thing, her faith has not changed 

It had been 2 yrs🤷‍♀️ since we were there and Josie acted in awe. 😆. It was so hilarious watching her expressions of disbelief that she could go back as many times as she wanted. Let say it this way… she ate her body weight in food. 

She literally was purring with her eyes closed. 


So yes, Zuri, you were celebrated today.  You are worth celebrating!!  Miracle..her life. 

Are they really beautiful?

They are beautiful, aren’t they?   

This is just the “after” picture. You didn’t see the mess. 

Let me tell you about it. 

Do you know anything about making/melting chocolate?  It can be highly annoying. 

Making the inside is the easy part to these. Melt chocolate, mix things and then cool for hours. 

They have to be cool to make into nice round balls.  

But too warm they turned into a sticky mess.

But too cold, impossible to dig out with a scoop. 

I had all the temperatures this morning. Cookie scoop keep falling apart because it was too hard to scoop. And then too warm and sticking to all the fingers. Chocolate everywhere. 

This is the real. 
Is that too messy for you?

Don’t miss the chocolate handle. 

Easier not to know, right. It may even make you turn away and think, “ yeah, I don’t need that”. You are thinking I licked my hands, aren’t you?  I didn’t, but now you are judging me 😆. 

But it doesn’t stop there. 

It starts to looking better. But if you heat the chocolate coating too long, it will harden too fast. If you don’t heat it enough, it will be lumpy. And if the chocolate has sat in the store too long, if might not even melt at all. 

If the chocolate balls are too cold and the coating too warm, they will look all beautiful and then seconds later, it will crack like ice. 

You can try to hide the imperfections with the white drizzle or it may actually get worse while it clumps up and refuse to drizzle. 

Do they still have value?

If I was to sell them, they have less value because they are imperfect. And now you know all the “dirt” on them. Cracked and broken. Way less value. 

But the one that created them , they know what they are made of … the same stuff they always are and that they are delicious. They have no less yumminess. In fact they are even more beautiful because they know all the little tiny things that made them into who they are. 

You get where I’m going with this?  

He knows. He is your Creator. Messy, broken, temperamental but YET He loves you and knows your value. He sees how all the tiny things are making you into who you are. And you are beautiful. Don’t allow others to judge you for the mess you are because what other people think about you does NOT taint what your Creator thinks. Oh, how He loves you.

In all honesty, I have been struggling to see what God has been doing in my life. I keep looking behind me and instead of just being content right where I’m at right now. 

I have had to apologize more times than I want to admit this week. 

So. Now. I have a choice. 

I can grieve every moment for Zuri and in the pain fail to notice the beauty of my dearest Josie. 

I can grieve relationships that are broken and fail to invest in my dear faithful husband right in front of me.  

I can throw temper tantrums about how my best friend moved away and fail to see how God has given me an extra best friend. 

I can feel like God is not present in my current issues of creating miracles in all the things that I deem as urgent and miss His little love notes in His word. 

I can focus on how everyone is having a grand time doing all the things and focusing on how they have it all together and I don’t but then miss how God is showing up in my monotonous every day life. 

I don’t want to do that!

I do not want to miss a single blessing that God is sending this way because my attention is focusing on the wrong things. 

Help me, Jesus!  

Help us, Jesus!

So tell me about how God is working through you. Even in your mess. I don’t want your perfect. Just honesty. The real stuff. Like is your freezer full and overflowing like mine? Or did you just kill 20 spiders in your basement like I did?  And can you find God’s blessings in the middle of it all?  

And if. 

Just if you can handle my messy honest chocolate pictures.. I would love to put your name (local friends obviously) in a drawing to win a box of perfectly imperfect mocha truffles to someone that can be honest with me. 

Gratefulness and Grief

Mother’s Day is a tangle of emotions. So grateful for Josie but right along beside that, too tangled in to separate, is the grief of missing Zuri. 

This quote ripped itself off the page and bled into my heart. It means that someone understands that even through the tears of pain that it doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the joy of my daughter here by my side. Pain and joy can coexist.  

“I used to try and wrestle myself

out from under this great pain.

And I just came to terms with

the fact that I am a woman who

carries grief. I am a woman who

has absorbed immense sorrow,

that will always be woven into

me. I have memories that will

never not hurt.

I don't have to paint myself a

different color. Happiness isn't

holier than grief. God has

created space for both. We can

be both. We can be all of it.”

 - NIGHTBIRDE 

She turns 4

Monday was Zuri’s 4th birthday. 

Grief can come in all kinds of waves and ways. Can you grieve every moment that you are missing with someone you never met?  You may think it impossible. But I know the truth.

I find myself holding onto J more tightly than before because.. well because I can, because she is here.  Pulling her in towards me.. feeling her heart beat against mine.

My friend, Jenny, gifted me a Bible study on the book of Habakkuk for Christmas and we have been working through it together slowly, finishing it up today. It was as if He knew I needed this, and had her pick this one out. Oh, right, He did. And then what are the chances that we would be finishing it up on Zuri’s birthday week. Yup. He knew. 

This is just my Habakkuk version…

Habakkuk questioned God about why He was allowing evil to overrule God’s people.  He pleaded for God to COME and help against the violence and injustice. 

God answered and basically says “I’m giving power to a terrible evil nation to bring you, God’s people, down because of your sin!”

I can literally hear Habakkuk respond “WHAT?! Lord, You are holy, pure!  You can not tolerate this!” 

I picture Habakkuk propping himself back against the stone wall and biting his nails, stomach churning, waiting to see how God is going to answer his complaining. 

(We don’t know how long Habakkuk waited, but God was NOT silent. He came close. Wait in faith.)

God says, “Look here. Pay attention. Something is coming. It may seem slow, if so, then wait. It will be right on time!

Look at these humans, they think they are so important. But their souls are so empty. 

Let me remind you, the person that is living in Me, they are not empty, they are TRULY FULLY ALIVE!!  

(Yes, unbelievable, but Jesus exchanged our sins and gave us His righteousness. We are alive!!!). 

He continues to talk about the sins of greed and oppression of others to the point of murder.  Talks about dishonesty, violence, slavery, taking advantage of others through drinking and sex. Oh and don’t get Me started on your homemade idols. They can’t do squat. They can’t talk, wake up or breathe. You will be paid back for all of this. You think you are having the time of your life but you are going to pay.

 

But don’t give up now. Have HOPE. 

The earth is going to be filled with My glory. Entirely filled. I’m in My temple, and the earth will become totally silent in awe. 

(To me this is where the Gospel happens. Sin, pain, destruction…but then here comes JESUS. Filling the temple. Filled with His glory.  So BRIGHT. All my eyes see is bright shards of lightning light.)

Then Habakkuk prays

I have heard alll about your fame, Lord!! I’m stopped in my tracks, fallen in my knees. Repeat them NOW. Along with judging, don’t forget mercy. God, You are on the move again. Your power comes from the mountains, Your splendor covers the heavens, Your brilliance is like light. You stand and shake the earth, You break apart mountains, hills sink. You split the earth with rivers, mountain shutter just by You looking at them.. You march across the earth, stomping nations. You save your people!!!  You crush the wicked!!

When I hear this, my stomach does flip flops, thinking of His power, His awe, His judgment. I stammer, shuttering, my bones feel weak and almost fall to the ground. 

Disaster is coming. I’m waiting for it. 

(And here comes some of the most beautiful words in Scripture. In the middle of all the“crap hitting the fan”, total disaster, he says, “yet I will rejoice!!”)

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights!!

The main kicker is~

Habakkuk realizes that “there will be no food, no income”. He is still choosing to rejoice. Even still. 

Because he had reflected on all of God’s characteristics and the ways that He had provided in the past, he could know that God has a plan and is control. He could rejoice. Even still. 

Oh these beautiful words…“Yet I will celebrate in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!”  

This is calling me to stop. Stop saying “What if” and start saying “Even if”. 

I will never truly understand the ways of God.  Habakkuk didn’t.  I doubt you will either. God has provided in such unique ways in the past. Unexpected ways.  So we will reflect on His past ways of faithfulness!  We are called to say “Even if……, I will choose to worship!”

I picture Habakkuk crumbled on the floor like me. With shoulders shaking, wild streams making new paths on cheeks. But yet, a hand weakly trying to raise in worship.  Reaching. Trusting that God will come. That He will draw close. 

Giving up the cleaning keys

I have been cleaning for 3 years instead of the short little jot that I assumed. 

It was a gift of a job (every other Tuesday evening) that just dropped in my hands while we were doing adoption paperwork for Zuri. It didn’t feel like a gift/blessing every time that I cleaned though. Some I loved, other nights I hated.  Gary begged me to quit time and time again especially when I went through a period that I was so incredibly tired that I barely could get through those 3 hours. 

But so often, it was a time to reflect on the week. I spend so many hours praying for broken things all around me…relationships, crashed hopes, grief, and pain.  Crying to Jesus to heal our broken hearts. But I also spent even more hours worshipping my Magnificent Creator, my Lord, singing and dancing to praise music!

They were short in help and knew I had optical experience but I have been out of fashion so long, I didn’t feel like I had it in me. They had filing back up and asked about that. Sure, I said, if I can pick my own hours and so some evenings for a short period of time, I stopped in and said my alphabets. 

When Gary has training and meeting in the same week, it seemed like it ended up in the week that I cleaned. It felt tiring… and we want to be home together and I had picked up another part time job in the meantime as well. So I decided to give my notice. 

It went incredibly weird when I called to tell him that I wanted to quit. He had been so kind to me, being flexible if I wanted to switch evening, being ok if I had to bring Josie along with me, even inviting me to their Christmas party, giving me a year end bonus… so this made it even harder to say that I wanted to be finished. It felt like a “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup. Because it really was me.. he treated me so respectfully. 

I continued a few more times, and then he had a new lady come in one evening for me to teach the ropes. And then it was over. 

I had to drop off the rags, and key the next day and I was surprised that I was almost in tears.  What?!  I wasn’t sad about not cleaning. 

But this was supposed to be a short thing until Zuri came home. But here we are. Map jerked out from under us. Still waiting. It’s like the gps that you were using in the jungle caught on fire 🔥… and it’s nighttime. The animals are waiting. 

I glanced down at my phone with water filled eyes as I rushed back to my car. I opened up fb just to distract me and right in front of my eyes was the flavor of the day that I had been waiting for at Everything Cheesecake. So I threw my days plans to the wind and immediately headed my car to 81S to Martinsburg thinking about the good in the middle of the cleaning dirt. 

….

*When Josie and Gary stopped in and helped those nights when I just couldn’t barely put one foot in front of the other. 

*When Janette or Glen sent me a sermon to listen to. 

*When my favorite song would come on and my vacuum cleaner felt lighter. 

*When G and J stopped in with hot pizza. Or a cold Rita’s. 

*When the Lord would lay on my heart to send a message, or song, or sermon to someone. 

*When tears would turn to praises. 

There is a rawness of heart in the solitude.  So be raw. Because God already knows it all anyways. 

Father's arms

These lyrics are running, oh running through my scattered thoughts.  Little bits floating here and there and come to consciousness in random moments.  

I picture a child standing on a ledge and dad standing on the ground with his strong arms out wide waiting to hold on tight in the freefall.  Look into my eyes, precious child of mine!  Trust me, I'm here. I chose you.  I'm not going anywhere.   

Why do I ever doubt you?

You always do what you say You're gonna do

Why do I ever doubt you?

You've caught me every time before

So why does fear try to glue me to the floor?

Looking down from up so high

There's a battle inside my mind

You keep telling me I'm made to fly

I'm gonna jump into your arms, into your arms

I'm gonna give you all of me, everything

I'm never ever looking back

Fixing my eyes on you

I'm gonna jump into your arms, into your arms

Safe when I'm in Your shadow

I'm holding on and You're never letting go

Meet me in the free fall

I know You're faithful

You come and rescue me

Every time

You are trying to face your battles alone and the tears pour down privately and yet you will only show your brave to others.  Share your heart.  I know, you will say, "no one will understand".  I get it, I feel that too.  But I beg you to help me to know that I'm not alone.  This walking alone is going to crush us.  Search for Him with me and I will remind you that He is faithful, He will meet us in the free fall.  Yes, He is even on the bathroom floor with you/me.  And He in bed beside with you/me with the endless tears.   He is our Rescuer.  

Hear Him whisper.....Look at Me.  You are made to fly.  Trust Me.  Jump into My arms.  

Lyrics from Nonah Jump

Heart Friends

Every year since Josie has started school in K5, I have told her that she could take one hooky day per year. (Or is hookie?!🤷‍♀️). Since I am not an early morning person I often ask her, “ Is today the day that we just stay in bed and not do things?!”  She immediately hops out of bed because there is NOT a chance that she will miss life. (Yes, don’t bother judging my parenting😆). 

But her best friend is moving away long distance on Saturday, so late Tuesday night, I asked, “would you want to do an impromptu sleepover and take a hooky day and spend it with Ava?”   Shrieks of delight!!

You see Ava has been our sweet miracle for years. She was there when we walked into our house when coming home from 🇨🇳.  Glen’s home became our second home, hanging out for the day on Sundays after church till evening, campfires, Christmas Eve traditions, music, and just staring into the beauty of the woods while the kids run carefree. A place where we are just us.. the good, the bad, the messy.  We have spend hours upon hours laughing, hearts talking, and crying together. Their friendship has been and IS truly priceless. 

 I had prayed while Gary and I was waiting for our daughter that God would grant us a special friend for her. In my dreams, I dreamed my best friend and I would have girls together, but I NEVER believed that it could actually happen. God is truly amazing in answering prayers in unexpected ways. 

God had big plans for them and we will never stand in the way of Him. But it is hard to let them go. ❤️❤️

20 years

When people would tell me that they were married for 20 or 25 years, I of course would always congratulate them. But I never really was totally impressed. It’s just like anything else, you just aren’t that amazed unless you have managed to experience it yourself and then you are like “WOW! We are really amazing!!” 😆 I’m turning 40 this year as well. Seems impossible. Married half of my life, longer than I was single. 50/50. 

Just recently someone (a stranger) asked us “what is the key to a good marriage? How did you make it 20 years?”  We joked about it and didn’t really give a good answer. I had answers running through my mind but didn’t take the time. I’ll tell you now.

I take no credit. None. 

It’s because of Jesus and Gary. I remember those early years I struggled with Gary being a jokester. I remember having a heart to heart with him saying that I needed some seriousness too. I remember him trying really hard after that to balance between the two specially for me. He loved God enough to care about my heart and changed.. at least a little. But he also loved me enough to know that we were going to need alot of jokes to get through life. Marriage isn’t always simple. You don’t have to live long to figure out human relationships are tough because wow, we are very imperfect. But we both believe in marriage for life. Yup, until death. So even if you kinda don’t like each other one day, you wake up and try again and say I’m sorry. Over and over again. And some how in the mess of tears and joy.. marriage is the most beautiful bond. 

 

Yes Jesus is faithful. 

March 2021

  I know I do a terrible job of hiding it, and try I do, but this never ending wait for Zuri is beyond hard.  The open endlessness.  An pregnancy that will never end.  We re-did our kitchen and dining room floors, painted and stained our kitchen cabinets, and then repainted the dining room.  I looked around and picked the cabinets because I figured that it was the worst home improvement that I could do.  It lived up it my expectations but it still only dulled the pain for moments.  Next on my list is paint my kitchen table, paint the bathroom, re-caulk the bathtub, and anything else that I can dream up. ;0 

  We long and pray for an update or picture, but yet when it comes, I have these internal raging fits of anger.  She is so beautiful that my heart just can't bear the pain of her growing one more day without her here with me (us).  I'm missing her chubby tiny fingers slimming and getting longer, her hair growing down her forehead, her button nose, and the cute little things that toddlers do and say. She is even turning 3 this month, and we already celebrated her last birthday without her.  Endless amount of loss.  Another waiting mom said that she prays and BELIEVES that God will redeem EVERY lost moment.  I guess I like that, so pray it for me because most days I can't pray it for myself.  I know that God is doing a work in me although some days it doesn't feel like it.  He has given me a real desire to read the Bible this year, and David in the Psalms has been speaking to my soul. He writes about how defeated and discouraged he was, but yet, he comes back to God's faithfulness again and again.  So I play it in my mind on repeat...God is faithful ~ He has a plan...over and over again.  

  People try to say helpful things like "well, she is being taking care of and doesn't even understand that she is missing being in a family", or give reasons on how "yes, you can travel to China and why are you still waiting".  Not helpful, ok.  

  Yes, we are following all China travel procedures and protocols in the news.  No we can not go yet.  We have visas but they are still suspended and we have wait until they issue a document called TA (travel approval) to start the adoption paperwork flow again.  If we were able to travel currently they are talking about 2 week quarantines, vaccines,  and even anal swabs for covid (Gary and I actually snorted when we read that because I suppose its better than crying).  Well, if that would get us to our daughter, then yup, we would do it.  But even with these regulations, we can't go until they say.  

But until then I will ...treasure and cry over every picture of her sweet face with all of my heart...

Grateful

The moment I want imprinted on my memory from this Thanksgiving is.. choosing to turn the music loud and just praising Jesus by raising our hands, dancing, and singing. My mind flashes to King David and the dancing in the streets. I don’t want to “waste the rain”. 

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?view=detail&mid=D54EC937AE0A983B8E31D54EC937AE0A983B8E31&q=stephen+furtick+wasted+rain&shtp=GetUrl&shid=a7533caa-fb58-42a1-a9ca-1ccd2466d568&shtk=V2FzdGVkIFJhaW4gLSBQYXN0b3IgU3RldmVuIEZ1cnRpY2svRWxldmF0aW9uIENodXJjaA%3D%3D&shdk=R29kIGlzIHRyeWluZyB0byBzcGVhayBzb21ldGhpbmcgaW50byB5b3VyIGxpZmUuIEluIOKAnFdhc3RlZCBSYWluLOKAnSBQYXN0b3IgU3RldmVuIEZ1cnRpY2sgb2YgRWxldmF0aW9uIENodXJjaCB0ZWFjaGVzIHRoYXQgR29kIG9mdGVuIHNwZWFrcyB0byB1cyBpbiBzdG9ybXkgc2Vhc29ucyDigJQgd2UganVzdCBoYXZlIHRvIGJlIHdpbGxpbmcgdG8gbGlzdGVuLiBAIEAgQCBAIEAgQCBAIEAgU3Vic2NyaWJlIHRvIHJlY2VpdmUgb3VyIGxhdGVzdCBtZXNzYWdlczogQHQgVG8gc3VwcG9ydCB0aGlzIG1pbmlzdHJ5IGFuZCBoZWxwIHVzIGNvbnRpbnVlIHRvIHJlYWNoIHBlb3BsZSBhbGwgYXJvdW5kIHRoZSAuLi4%3D&shhk=pDfnj82IaP09Xsdlkdgu%2F4mpQvGzBc3inMGmyEYEIX8%3D&form=VDSHOT&shth=OSH.vJ7u6tx9TH71XSwss%252FmTqA

Yes, Jesus!! 

I wanna remember everything that the Lord has done. 

I wanna be grateful. 

I wanna be. 

I wanna be.

I wanna be.  

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?view=detail&mid=1DAAA7E8245A2BADE3D21DAAA7E8245A2BADE3D2&q=treelife+kids+thankful&shtp=GetUrl&shid=e006d003-7c30-4fc5-add7-3054c3cfa5f4&shtk=VGhhbmtmdWwgfCBSb2FyIFZCUyB8IEdyb3VwIFB1Ymxpc2hpbmc%3D&shdk=RW5qb3kgdGhlIG11c2lj4oCmc2luZyBhbmQgZGFuY2UgYWxvbmcgdG8gVGhhbmtmdWwgbXVzaWMgdmlkZW8gZnJvbSBSb2FyIFZCUyEgTm93IEFWQUlMQUJMRSBPTiBBTUFaT046IGh0dHBzOi8vd3d3LmFtYXpvbi5jb20vRmF2b3JpdGUtU29uZ3MtVmFjYXRpb24tQmlibGUtU2Nob29sL2RwL0IwN1lCTlROSDEvcmVmPXNyXzFfMzA%2Fa2V5d29yZHM9Z3JvdXBtdXNpYyZxaWQ9MTU3MTI1MDU1OCZzcj04LTMwIE5PVyBBVkFJTEFCTEUgT04gaVRVTkVTOiBodHRwczovL211c2ljLmFwcGxlLmNvbS91cy9hbGJ1bS9mYXZvcml0ZS1zb25ncy1mcm9tLXJvYXItdmFjYXRpb24tYmlibGUtc2Nob29sIC4uLg%3D%3D&shhk=C1oIMDlz9rvGTMD2u1HJttwtXyisZZYsTk1Lo%2FNly7A%3D&form=VDSHOT&shth=OSH.DrxZZlg2Ub%252F%252Btk5SSqZZDw

Heading back into video school

I can not tell you how wonderful Abeka has been since Covid. Last year Josie and I made it through. It went well enough that we looked it to homeschooling 🤭. I can’t still believe those words came out of my mouth. But our school started back in session at regular time and Josie wanted to go so we were at peace with sending her. 

But I would be lying if I didn’t said that occasionally I wished that she would be home with me. I mean.. after school she has homework, piano, and vision therapy. It feels like we don’t spend enough of time together. And she is growing up so fast!!  😭

So yesterday we got the email that our school decided to close down for two weeks just for a precautionary safety measure. It was just a blessing that it coincided with our Thanksgiving vacation. So we will only have to do 6 1/2 days online.

After you receive an email like that.... your mind runs all over the place.

1. Oh bummer this is really going to mess with my plans. 

2. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

3. Oh this is really cool ...I’ll get to sleep in and spend more time with Josie.

4.Ughh..I feel guilty actually thinking that this is a privilege to have Josie home with me...when other families are struggling to figure out how to handle all their schedules.  And other families are struggling with their health. 

5. Day two is all the days that it will take for me to want to  pull my hair out of my head and send her back to school.

 6. I am so incredibly blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom.

7.I need to STOP feeling guilty about thinking that we will enjoy this. God certainly don’t want me to sit around and whine. 

Uncertainty of the Future

 It's rather funny thinking that our favorite song right now is Matthew West's song Truth Be Told.  The chorus that I heard Josie singing this morning while getting ready for school was.."I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not.  I'm broken"...maybe she talking about her mama :)

This past week as a crusher for me.  The stress of all the news surrounding the election wore us down.  As if we needed any more disappointing news...then we got a note from CCCWA that which they said (in my words) Stay home!  The hope that was inside of our hearts, hoping, oh hoping that by some miracle our little girl would be home for Christmas was smashed.  I spent the day sobbing and unable to pray, because it is just too much for the heart to bear.  

 Then came 3oclock pickup, so I get up and say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine. 

 Then came Sunday.  I figured, I'll count the books in the library just to get through the service without breaking.  You know ..every single song, prayer, and of course the sermon was about going through hard stuff and still trusting God, Him being our refuge, surrendering.... and even Gary's heart leaked into his eyes while leading songs.  He was thinking about Zuri and how it felt to hold sweet little Josie in those early days.  Counting books will never distract enough to stop the tears from spilling.  

It was hard to admit.. I just can't pray anymore.  For some odd reason, we are afraid to admit it, out loud or silently.  

And then again this song played.."There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin you don't already know so let the truth be told."  

He already knows.  

I suspect that these weeks will continue to flood our eyes.  I don't want to do Christmas.  I don't want to sit at the Thanksgiving table and be thankful when a chair is empty.  I don't want to give away the clothes that she already outgrew that she never wore. 

But He already knows.  And I hope that He gives me back my hope. 

Time is both Creeping and Flying

Time is both creeping and flying.  

Josie just hit her 1st quarter at school. I don't know of any child that loves going to school so much.  But the homework, piano, and vision therapy after school can be overwhelming to her.  Oh, and she just started to wear contacts 👀.

Gary is still cruising back and forth from Winchester just wearing those tires down.  Corona sure has made his job harder but he rarely complains.  

My fall busy season of online quotes has slowed down.  So I started refinishing my kitchen cabinets in hope that it would make a month disappear. It did and I'm still not done.  Seriously, the stain would NOT dry and so it was days/weeks of waiting.  waiting.  waiting.  

And Zuri...well, she is still waiting too.  

Waiting.  Makes the days almost seem impossible but..

This is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other....

God is not up there pacing back and forth wearing the finish off of the floor in front of His throne.  He's not even tapping His fingers together thoughtfully nor saying "I'll just go to sleep on this one and see if clarity will come in the morning".  He isn't so stressed out that He decided to go out for a run to clear His mind nor decided to binge eat Doritos.  He just doesn't.  

HE remains SEATED on His throne!  That means that He has it all under control, even if we don't feel it.  

No I don't feel like He has under control.  I mean come on, one of MY daughters is on the other side the world.  Like the farthest place away you can be.  His plan is obviously VERY different than mine.  

But every day instead of banging my head against the wall, I plead for Jesus to hold her for me.  And every day I plead that He would allow a miracle to open the hearts of the all officials that could allow travel.   Then  a hour later, I do it again.

I find it annoying that at the beginning of the year, I chose the word TRUST.  Ha, I even wrote it in fancy letters and hung it on my living room mantel, placing it under my little girl Zuri's picture.  On those rare moments that I sit down and prop my feet up... those letters are staring right back at me.  

I guess God knew clear back then that I would need the reminder.  He's got this.  Just trust.  

She's just the cleaning lady

    When we started the adoption paperwork, I started looking for little ways to make money.  God gifted me a cleaning job (groan).  I wasn't sure that I liked the gift.  It's been a  love/hate relationship over the the last two years.  

My friend asked me if I liked it yesterday and I said, "its ok, not terrible for a cleaning job".   Then while cleaning last night, I got to thinking...  

    I think that I could fill up both hands the amount of times that one of the employees there said "oh, yeah, she's just the cleaning lady".  And every time, I feel myself rise up inside in irritation.

   But last night, I started making a list of ways that being "just a cleaning lady" has benefits.

1.  God gifted me this job for this time

2.  He knew that I would need time alone

3.  I can sing every third word if I want and no one will laugh at me (you know who you are!)

4.  I can even dance, hop, or raise my hand to Jesus while sweeping without any care

5.  I don't have to appear to have any answers, because I am JUST the cleaning lady

6.  I have hours to think without anyone interrupting me

7.  I have time to pray

8.  I get paid more per hour than I did for working 10 years at my last job :~/ 

9.  It's in the evening, so sometimes I get out of nightime duties like flossing dear J's braces. Ha

So yesterday I should have said, "it has been a blessing!!".

And if you don't remember your "helpers" names, just fake it and smile and thank them for cleaning your toilets.  

Nothing new...

   On the spur of the moment, we ran away for a little.  It was such a wonderful peaceful time filled with laziness sunshine, and salt water and it dulled the ache off of our hearts for a short time.  But as soon as we got home, the elephant crashes back in and sits back down on our shoulders. s but the truth is... p jobs right now.  

   We were invited to a teleconference call with The Office of Children’s Issues (OCI) which is part of the U.S. Department of State. They didn’t really tell us anything new, but wanted to hear from us (the people that have children waiting on them and that are just waiting to travel. There were 400 people on the call. They encouraged us all to write our stories to them. They are hopeful to get a meeting with 2 individuals that are higher up in the CCWA in August if they are lucky. All the visas that they have specifically requested as of now, have all been refused.    

   China still has a travel advisory 4, which basically means that they suggest not to travel but you could ignore it if you wanted to in normal situations. But this is not a normal situation soooo....we are still waiting for the visas to be unsuspended. We also have to have a travel approval because that basically starts the paperwork/medical/government appointments that we need in China to legally adopt.

   I guess we (as in the adoptive community) hope to make enough of noise that it makes a difference. As for me, well, hopefulness has long disappeared.
   So I eat chocolate and hourly pray that God will increase my faith.
   I wrote the letter that they asked for so you can pray that something in it will strike a heart and make a difference!  Continue to pray that God will prepare Zuri's heart for our family!  It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that you can love someone soooo much that you never meet, but that's God for you.  

Our sweet girl... every picture, breaks the heart a little more. Yup, they chopped her hair off. Wahh.

Home bound

Tomorrow will be four full weeks of being house bound (actually I’m not sure)(most days I can’t figure out what day it is). But the Coronavirus is still growing and now school is off until the end of April as of now. Probably all of this school year. 

First week of homeschooling was supposedly optional but it really wasn’t. Then the second week, we started Abeka online that is mandatory. I know our teachers were/are working incredibly hard to figure out how to tell us parents simply and clearly what happens next. And I thank you!! 

With that said.. we still struggled. But we completed another week. 

When we found out for sure that we will be homeschooling for alot more weeks..I told Josie, “I’m sorry that you are missing your friends and teacher, (but with faith in my heart, I tried to say confidently) but we can DO this!” 

And even after uncountable times of google help to pronounce/find the meaning of words and buckets of tears (mostly from me), Josie said, “This is fun, maybe we will do this next year, I don’t really miss them.”

          What?!?   

I honestly don’t know if I should be stinking proud of her or check her into a attachment disorder group. 

Anyways... we set up a desk area for her and organized her papers. It’s getting a little easier. 

Anyways.  She is the most forgiving person in my entire long life. I had no idea that when becoming a parent that she would teach me more important things than I could teach her. 

But we have had so many fun times too... we got to snuggle while doing reading, go biking, pretend to play tennis, draw with chalk, do Bible videos in bed, learn to make pizza crust, try new foods together, and so many other things. 

This schedule change has been hard in many ways. For both Josie and I. Trying to balance work and school. Missing all of our friends. Her always touching and me needing a bubble. And then allll the news. About COVID 19. And death.  And fear of the economy crashing. And waiting for Zuri and all the unknowns of how she is doing. And when will we travel. And Dad’s chemo.

 

My constant prayer is asking God to take away fear and grant peace. And He does. But then I have to ask again. And again. Because I’m a slow learner apparently. 

We celebrated Zuri 2nd birthday with balloons, birthday banner, singing, and a ice cream birthday cake. We chose joy into tears that day. It is soo hard being a world apart. But God granted us a little miracle that day. 

About a month before I searched high and low for a way to get a care/birthday package to her. Our usual woman wasn’t replying to emails/her website, so we assumed that she was shut down due to the virus. Then I asked on one of my adoption fb groups and a random lady said that she had a friend that lived in China that can do them. I felt like we were kinda risking losing money by trusting a stranger but decided to give it a try. She allowed us to pick out things that we wanted and then we waited to see what would happen. Several weeks later, the week of Zuri’s birthday, I again messaged her seeing if it got there. 

Then on Zuri’s birthday, I got a fb message that had pictures and 2 videos of our dear sweet girl!!!!!!  It was such a surprise and so special!  We had hoped but never dreamed that we would get anything and felt like God whispered into our 💕 hearts. 

In February, one of my church ladies asked if we wanted to start a fb page to encourage us in having a goal of 100 miles until the end of April and drink 1/2 of our body weight in ozs. And I was ALL in. I look back on it and see how God was in the little tiny details then so that I would survive now. 

Because of this challenge.. I have started to “run” again. I put it in quotes because it’s more like a hippo waddling. But still, I’m trying. It truly has been keeping me out of the looney bin. Just when I think I just can’t anymore.. I go out and breathe the fresh air. Honestly, running at dawn or dusk is the best. Especially if you smell fabric softener from a running dryer or freshly mowed grass. Both make me instantly smile. 

Tonight it was already after dinner and I didn’t get my 3miles in for the day. I thought “maybe I will just skip, I’m so tired!!  It will not be a big deal!”  Then I looked at the calendar and saw that it would be the first day that I skipped for four weeks. 

Nope. 

Nope. 

And I headed out. Can’t be a quitter. And like always..it was just want my brain needed. I jogged slowly then a turtle for the entire 3 miles. 

Friends that truly Get It

My friend (that had been waiting for years for her daughter) came today to visit me. 

Her and I. Shoulders brushing, sitting on the couch leaning in over our girls pictures and videos ❤️❤️❤️.  Just in AWE of their beauty. Craving to be able to hold them. Just to see if they are being taken care of. 

It is utter joy to have a friend that “ just gets it!”  That delights in every little move and smile of your daughter along with you!  

Most people think/or say...”in God’s perfect time” you will get your child. Or “you don’t even know her, you can’t be attached!”  Or...“It just like being pregnant, you just have to wait!”

Hmmm. No.

In God’s perfectness.. there wouldn’t be sin in the world.  Nor brokenness. We would just be hanging out (no pun untended) in a perfect world with our perfect Lord. 

But sin entered the world and crapo has been happening ever since. We long for our daughters. We plead for viruses to diminish. Court dates to take place. 

Keep Walking

I knew that I wanted to adoption a little girl from China in my teens. Why, you may ask. I have no idea other than that God put it there because there was no doubt that this was my dream. 

Fast forward to my boyfriend.. I, of course, (because I blah blah blah about all things) told him of my dreams but we never took them seriously because we were super young (like babes) and in love. We got married, I just turned 19 and he 21. We will talk again in 10 years we said. Silly kids, we were, buying purple carpet and the whole works. 

The dream never completely disappeared..and one day Mr said, “we need a little girl from China!”  So at 29.5 yrs old, (China requires both parents to be 30 to submit a dossier) I started the papers. Miles of papers and forms that I waded through. 

4 yrs later, we are in China with Josie. Our dear beautiful perfect child that was my dream for my entire life was terrified of me. I reminded her of all of her caretakers that left her and she wasn’t going to trust me a inch. She was grieving beyond anything we could imagine and we sobbed with her.  It was hardest thing that we had walked through as a couple. And it was going to either going to make us unbreakable or entirely break us. G became our backbone and continued to show us how to be faithful to Jesus and so gentle to both of us girls. 

Gary, Josie and I were in a elevator in China after being in a hotel lobby where Little Miss had been running away and attaching herself to any given male. She was even caught digging in a stranger briefcase, sigh.  

But back to the elevator story...The strangers (Caucasian) in the elevator asked, “ Are you adopting and how many children do you have?”  

We firmly answered “One! And it will only be one! We will never do this again!”  

This couple threw their heads back and laughed. “You WILL be back!!”  

And we thought that they were out of their minds. Totally out of their minds. Amen. 

Baba headed back to work, Mama went into some deep stuff as she settled in at home with a 3 yr old that was going through even deeper stuff. Surviving barely through the day and then grief came in stormy waves at night. Her sound of her grieving cries still haunt us. 

We tried to cocoon (isolate) as a family for bonding and with that came a deep setting loneliness.  

But through each day, joy did come!  With each smile and laugh, the grief started to lighten.  In every mile stone, every new thing!  We were so over the moon and felt like our little tiny family was perfect. It was complete. 

A year later, God obviously already working on our lives, we started wondering if Josie should have a sibling. 

We can’t afford it was my excuse. 

“You remember how hard it was” was G’s reasoning. 

Another year slipped by..

Then we had the grief of losing a young friend, dear friend Jess, at a very young age. 

All a sudden, life seemed disastrously short and made no sense at ALL!  Jess was one that when she was talking to you that she made you feel like she could see into your soul and that you were the most important person in the world at that moment. She shined Jesus and loved so well. 

Is it better to not love and then be spared the pain of loss 

or... 

to love so much that even in the middle of the heart crushing pain of loss to still feel blessed to have loved? 

We came home from her services and both agreed that God was calling us to adopt again, to just laid down fear and to trust. 

To some it may seem odd, like why now, but we had personally seen the strong bond of sibling and parent love.. so strong...that they would give anything and everything up just to have her back. 

About two years later we were still waiting to be matched, Josie celebrated her 1/2 birthday at school. Apparently it was the best day ever. 

That night at bedtime she prayed, “Dear Jesus, please bring Baby LuLu home by my real birthday”. I choked up. I wanted faith to believe that God could do that. 

The next morning I was traveling to Janette’s after I dropped Josie off at school. I was going to sit with her through her surgery. It’s a hr drive and I was busy thinking about the verse that says “if you have faith like a mustard seed, and believe, you can say to that mountain “move” and it would move!”  I tend to ask God gently for prayer requests because I do want to be in the center of His will. 

But this morning I was bold. “Lord, you say that you can make mountains move and today would be a good day! Josie prayed for a miracle to happen by her birthday and You can make my phone ring today with a referral, and for this to happen, you need to get the paperwork right where it needs to be. And Lord, I’m NOT going to be surprised if my phone rings today and that it’s going to be AWAA (our agency). In fact, I’m going to figure on it ringing today. (But then I added.. “but, Lord, I will not be upset if it doesn’t, but I’m expecting it!”). 

So Janette is in surgery and I’m settling in the waiting room counting down the hours watching it snow. I even had a notebook ready, just in case I needed to take notes. 

And my phone RINGS and YUP, it’s area code 703. I would like to say that I wasn’t surprised, but I remember staring at the phone in disbelief. 

Sure enough, it was Aimee (our family coordinator) and went on and on about blah blah blah.  (My brain was spinning and wondering if she was just calling about some paperwork or needing updates, or renewals and that this was going to be some joke to my heart). 

And then she finally said it ..We HAVE a referral for YOU. The rest of the phone call felt like it had been switched to mute and all I could hear was the swishing of blood pounding in my heart and head. 

Then a few minutes later I was sitting in the waiting room of a hospital looking at the face of my daughter for the first time. I felt like I couldn’t breathe but yet wanted to dance. (I’m guessing to anyone looking on, I looked like I had a physical disorder). I was so excited!!  God answered my prayer!!!  

But then by evening, fear had settled in along with Satan throwing accusations at me. “You can’t do this again, you are a failure already, you don’t have faith big enough to move any tiny little ant hills let alone a mountain”.  

You see, Satan knows your weak spots, the soft areas where your armor lets exposed. 

Gary had lost his voice over this time.. You know..where I needed a voice, one louder than the voice in my head. We needed to do mountains of talking but yet we didn’t. God has a funny sense of humor.  

Before you can tell China yes, you need to have an International Adoption Doctor review the file and try to translate the medical terms into things we understand. And also ask the orphanage for a update (you may or may not get one). And when we finally got that all back...(seemed like forever)(I kept refreshing and refreshing my email all day long, every day)....

then we say YES, kicking our fear to the curb. 

We just have to keep coming back to God’s faithfulness and His answer to our prayer. 

 

After we say yes.. we realized that it was Jan 16th. Exactly 2 yrs later of when we made our decision to start again. The same day, that we will remember Jess and how she touched our lives and hearts forever! I have no doubt if she was here on earth, her face would have lit up in joy. 

Fast forward to now... We have this beautiful little face in our minds constantly. She will be 2 in March. We are so excited. I want to get all of Josie’s little clothes out and see if we have any tiny enough for Zuri. I want to buy a carrier, room monitor, bottles, and shoes. Cute little shoes. I want to feel all the excitement of getting a travel approval. 

But all travel is stopped. I may not need little shoes. Or tiny clothes. 

And Josie just cried herself to sleep because she is lonely. 

Zuri lives under 10 hrs away from the center of this Coronavirus.  If we just knew if she was safe. If we knew when we will get to travel. It’s just a nightmare that will not go away every single night. And it continues into the days. Haunting our every waking hours. 

We just keep repeating to ourselves that God knows our path. To just keep leaning back into His embrace. But the tears still sneak out and overflow. 

Just keep praying for us to continue to trust that God has our story in His hand. 

And pray for China.