It's rather funny thinking that our favorite song right now is Matthew West's song Truth Be Told. The chorus that I heard Josie singing this morning while getting ready for school was.."I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not. I'm broken"...maybe she talking about her mama :)
This past week as a crusher for me. The stress of all the news surrounding the election wore us down. As if we needed any more disappointing news...then we got a note from CCCWA that which they said (in my words) Stay home! The hope that was inside of our hearts, hoping, oh hoping that by some miracle our little girl would be home for Christmas was smashed. I spent the day sobbing and unable to pray, because it is just too much for the heart to bear.
Then came 3oclock pickup, so I get up and say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine.
Then came Sunday. I figured, I'll count the books in the library just to get through the service without breaking. You know ..every single song, prayer, and of course the sermon was about going through hard stuff and still trusting God, Him being our refuge, surrendering.... and even Gary's heart leaked into his eyes while leading songs. He was thinking about Zuri and how it felt to hold sweet little Josie in those early days. Counting books will never distract enough to stop the tears from spilling.
It was hard to admit.. I just can't pray anymore. For some odd reason, we are afraid to admit it, out loud or silently.
And then again this song played.."There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin you don't already know so let the truth be told."
He already knows.
I suspect that these weeks will continue to flood our eyes. I don't want to do Christmas. I don't want to sit at the Thanksgiving table and be thankful when a chair is empty. I don't want to give away the clothes that she already outgrew that she never wore.
But He already knows. And I hope that He gives me back my hope.
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