When God doesn't feel good

I just can't make the words tumbling in my mind go away.. In fact I was in the middle of ironing and I just couldn't stand it, I just needed to write.
So here is the subject..

How to comfort others when life is falling down on them and it feels like there is no air to breathe?

A friend while waiting to find out if the medical tests came back positive
A friend that had to bury her daughter.
A random stranger at Walmart that bursts out crying
A friend sitting by a bed in the hospital

If you know me at all, you know that I have trouble keeping my mouth closed.  And along with that, I have no doubt that I have speared a few hearts with my words.  And I AM SO SORRY. I'm a huge lump of clay that I pray that God doesn't stop carving.

A cousin called me today for a address and then we got to talking about loss and grief.  She shared how words spoken can literally tear a soul apart when it is already broken.  She basically said, "Paula, I should tell you this... You, even though you haven't walked through what I have, you are compassionate and listen and you can tell you care."
Those words will follow me through a lifetime.  Not because I ace them, no, not at all.  This is possibly the only time, that I did it right and I have no doubt that the Lord spoke to her, not me at all.  But they will stay with me, because this is who I want to be.

Words, they are so quick to either lift up or tear down. I'm sure you have experienced both, the joy and also the pain that they can cause...

So I say..
Don't go and compare your loss to theirs (yours may have been huge, but they are still different)
Don't say how someone that you knew died with the same thing (really??)
Don't say Oh, she was just stillborn (as if the length of life determines the value)
Don't say God allowed this is happen so that "XYZ" will happen (come on, PEOPLE!)
Don't go and try to fix it (you can't)
Don't say if you were living right, bad things wouldn't happen (no words)
Don't give medical advise (unless the ask for it, but still be careful)


As it felt like the sky was falling on my friends...
One said, "I just don't want to be alone, just be with me."
Another said, "Remember silence is heart breaking too"
Another said, "I don't want to hear about strength through loss or working things together for good or how our story will touch so many or that everything happens for a reason."

It seems so contradicting.. Be present for some, but give space for others.  Don't be silent, but yet speak and be present. 
This is incredibly hard for me, because I'm a fixer along with sometimes silence makes me uncomfortable.
So we rush to say words.. when instead we should be choosing our words slowly.

My friend Laura Gross wrote...."There is NOTHING anyone could say to make this better.  Nothing.  Words can be such fickle things once they leave our mouths and go out into the universe.  Hugs however, can never be misinterpreted.  The stillness of sympathy is underrated.  Sometimes support simply looks like a quiet reaching out, a showing up in love.  True compassion is often about just being there, being present, not with the perfect words or a Bible verse, but through silently sharing the burden of suffering.  Remember, Jesus wept with His friends too."

I try to put myself in another man's shoes and picture how I may feel.  If I lost Josie, or if I sitting beside my dad's bed as he slowly died, or if my son was in prison.
Would I still believe that God is good all the time? Or that it will all work together for good?

I would love to hear from you, your experiences from both sides, good or bad.  Can we learn from others so we will not make the same mistakes and be the light of Jesus in a hard, hard world?

So.. maybe the moral to the story is

Show up.
Hugs often can say, what words can not.
Listen.
Pray for wisdom to know when to speak and when to be silent.

Catching up

A lot of water when over the dam since I last wrote. 

Things are good here at the house, yes, we all have attitude problems daily, and it looks like the house exploded but it’s all good :). It seemed like this winter was the longest one that I have ever experienced, but it’s almost pool weather (we put in the water yesterday!). 

We decided that we wanted another daughter and we choose adoption again and promptly started our paperwork.  After dealing with pain and bleeding with endometriosis for 5+ years and already one surgery under my belt, we decided that it was totally affecting my quality of life and the docs agreed a year ago that there was no saving it. So we decided to quick have the surgery before we finalized the home study so that we wouldn’t have to pay for a update (basically you can’t hiccup without telling the state🙄). So out with it!!  And let me tell you, pain and bleeding free. Wow. It’s a huge blessing!! 

We had talked long and hard with Josie to see if she wanted a sibling and the bottom line was that her only fear as that she would have to go back to China. She thought someone may take her away from us. From her personal experience, you just never know what is around the next corner. There was a lot of explaining about how that’s not going to happen.... in fact over my dead body (I didn’t tell her that part). She is excited about Baby LuLu (a random nickname that G came up with so we didn’t call our new daughter “it”) and she prays for her often. 

I personally thought that I may lose my mind with all the adoption papers floating around and then surgery. And add on top of that, I started doing Sharpie Art drawing to raise a little money.  I’ve made over 60 due to two stores taking a chance on me and a lot of friends that love me. I have loved making each one of them and pray over each one. Ps, I would love to draw one for you too :)

Then this weekend we did a yardsale fundraiser towards the adoption paperwork. It was a huge yardsale and I spent weeks working towards it, pricing and organizing as people donated until my basement was full and flowing into two other room.  It rained non stop for a week or more before and I prayed for sunshine and lost many of sleeps over it. 

But then God supplied sunshine and people....

“Only you, Lord could make the rain hold until we had all things packed up!  Only you, Lord could touch your people to donate, pray for us, and help us set up, and then to come and support by buying!”

The support of my family, our adoptive community, and friends held us through those three days... and reminded us that we can’t do it alone! 

I was utterly spent after Saturday. I told G that I don’t think I have ever worked so hard!  And after it was all over...the emotions came.  A few months ago a friend asked me while looking down at her tiny baby.. “how do you stand waiting knowing that your Baby is probably already born?”  In honesty, I do my best to block the emotions and tell myself that God can protect her. But if you let your mind go, you know that there are children dying from health issues or not enough food, or even abuse. 

And that might be MY girl. 

And then you crack. 

Realizing that it could be a year or two or three or four. 

And then I made the mistake this morning of walking through the little girls section at Walmart and ending up with tiny shoes and a tiny swimsuit. I haven’t had to walk all through the pain that goes along with infertility and it still cuts deep to the soul. Unless you have walked this journey then you are most likely to think I’m fruitcake. And that may be possible. But go ahead and pray for this fruitcake. 

We just finished our 3yr post adoption report for J. It’s hard to believe how she has grown. Today is her last day of Kindergarten and tonight is graduation 🎓. Oh pooie, I’ll probably cry again. 

For China you have 6 months for finalize your documents for your dossier (most of the documents need to created and then have to go through 5 steps). We are at 3 months and had a talk with my family coordinator today and it’s going to be running tight. If they don’t get finished by 6 months then you start over. We don’t want to do that 👀. 

Well, I have a house piled up around me and Josie is having a sleepover tonight with her best friend for the first time ever so she can come to the graduation. I imagine I will be peeling them off the roof several times. Peace out. 

Sickness in the house

Satan is mean and knows to kick us when we are down. Little one has been sick for days and sleep is barely happening for all thee of us. As Gary walked in the door, I escaped to the bedroom to sob. First time parenting a high fever and uncontrollable coughing and gagging. We had tried everything and nothing worked. 

My sleepless mind told me.. “you are a failure!  You can’t even parent your own child. You will never succeed in life. You are a useless person. 

She managed to keep her banana and medicine down for two hours so I gave her a popsicle. As I handed it to her... she looked up with her beautiful shining eyes and said, “Mom, you are the best Mom ever “. I walked away fighting tears. 

“This is fun”.. she says. I ask, “Honey, what are you talking about?”  “Being together” she replies as she grins from ear to ear. 

He smiled upon the cheeseburger

I was fine this morning doing laundry and hanging with Mom and then slam pile, a migraine is full on. The kind that if you roll your eyes to look at something, it just shoots pain. My dear friend was just telling me how she had just learned that our brain has a protective membrane around it and that it is proven that unhealthy eating will destroy it over time. Studies are showing the effects of this and they are including ADHD, Autism, and a long list of medical conditions as symptoms. 

When I have migraines, I’m nearly convinced that I have something terrible a wrong with me and that’s going to make my head explode. Now I can blame it on too many HoHo’s and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. 

I was on the way home and was so in so much pain that my eyes wanted to shut and it was 1:30. I thought I need to take meds and need food and my brain membrane is apparently already shot. So what did I do, rolled right into McDonald’s for a dollar plus cheeseburger. 

As I flopped on the wonderfully soft couch, closing my eyes for a tiny bit of relief, and with one hand holding my head and the other stuffing my mouth... I thought “ Jesus is pleased with this hamburger 🍔!”  God knows this has been a rough lonely week, and he cares. And he can use a junky old hamburger to show it. 

Day of Leisure

Such a beautiful day... I dropped off Josie and two others at school. And drove to Winchester and I literally shopped the entire store of Gabe's and felt every piece of clothing and took my time. No one to rush me or hide from me or tease me or drive me nutso. It was blissful. Then to the dermatologist... which I could have done without but they froze three warts that I'm sick of. Gary warned me that it hurt but I was unprepared that it was going to hurt sooo bad for 1/2 hr. Like stabbing and on fire 🔥 pain.  

Then my dear husband met me for lunch.. oh it's been sooo long. I forgotten what dates are like. I have forgotten how to smile across the table. It makes me choke up at the specialness. We been through a whole heap in the last years. I almost forget those precious carefree days. We had a whole hour of chatting until he had to go back to work. He works so hard... I know most people don't look at his job as "hard work " but I'm telling you, most people couldn't do his job. And he rocks it.  And I'm so proud of him, so proud. But most of that pride comes from his character. Such a God fearing honest man. Hard to come by, I tell you. 

I still had a little time before I needed to head back for school pick up so I headed to Sharp Shopper and then to Food Maxx (international food store), my favorite store ever. 

I literally want to give hugs to all the shelf stockers, the cashiers, and to everyone in the seaweed aisle. Yes, I said seaweed. Josie loves it so it makes me feel like we are all family 🤓. Yes I'm weird but I love being surrounded with all kinds of nationalities of people and hey, even American people that are branching out pass pizza and fries!

It was such a treat of a day. The peacefulness may have crashed to a screeching halt when I got a note from the teacher of a certain little girl that just happened to kick a child and push another one all in the same recess.  Oh. Back to earth. Back to earth. 

Forgiveness

If you want to see true forgiveness... ask your 4 yr old. It made me think of how God forgives me. 

I used words that I should not have used and had to apologize to Josie. I, while crying, told her that I was sorry and that I do try to be a good mom even though I fail ssooo bad. She wrapped her arms around me so tight and covering my face with kisses and said, "but mom you are still a good mom" "I forgive you and love you" "it's ok, you can stop crying". 

And just like that... she loves me and forgives even though I'm a mess. 

God does that too, but sometimes I think we down inside forget that God truly forgets our sins. Washed them again. We are white again. He isn't going to hold them against us. Our record had been cleared.  Praise God!  Let's start a brand new clean slate day because of His Grace. 

Weight on your shoulders

I just keep picturing this...

A mom dragging her toddler kicking and fighting into a building that they were going to inject a poison into the child to kill them. Or pull their arms, legs, and head off until they die. 

Because she, the mom has a life to live. The child is just too big of a burden.. too messy, too expensive. 

Everyone in that town knows that the mom is going to kill the child but NO one does a thing. They just watch. It's her choice they say. They may even hold her arm and help her in. 

Or what if it's a mom with her teenager?  "I'm done with you, I will tear you to pieces and sell your body parts and make money. 

You say... that's not true, that's murder, that's illegal. We would do something. We would call the police or child services. Yes, we would. We would throw our bodies down and fight for the child, the teenager. We would fight!!

The mom walks into the clinic and the child is fighting, kicking in the womb...it is ok to tear their body apart piece by piece or inject them with a poison to make them die. It's legal. It's the mom's choice. So we just stand by and watch. 

What will you do??