Racism

My heart goes out to the people and the rioting in Ferguson.  It seems like it is a war of whites and blacks.  I HATE IT.  I can't really change it or make it stop. 
But it got me thinking about my life and the human race and the changes I can make in my life and my community. 

I have always dreamed of having a interracial family because I feel like its a reflecting of God's family.  I am VERY aware of adoption and racism comments that were commented to me that are plain heart bleeding.  I wonder if the people saying them has ANY idea that they are hurtful.  But I wonder if I have ever said anything that could have been hurtful to someone other than Caucasian, without intending it.  If I have, I'm am sorry!

I was listening to a podcast this morning and it made me think.

1. Regardless of what race you are, there are two sides.  Both can be wrong, both can be rude, both can be unchristian.  Still with that said, We are called to love.  We need to feel compassion on both sides. 
2.  God's Kingdom trumps everything.  To be a Child of God, we need to put our differences away.  In God's Church, all races are there.  We are all brothers and sisters in the Lord.  I'm sorry that I'm pasty white and opinionated and very flawed but I'm still your sister, and because of that, regardless of what skin shade you are, I need to feel compassion and I love YOU.  
3.  Forgiveness.  God calls me/us to go and forgiveness even if it was something done against me/us.  It doesn't matter if that wrong doer doesn't want forgiveness.  We are commanded by God to forgive. 
4.  Racism.  I often wonder how "Christians" can be racist.  Because our Lord's Son most likely wasn't white because He was from the Middle East.  I don't care what your great great grandparents thought or felt.  We need healed from the sin of the past.  My heart aches at the injustice of the past and present.  (If you need a book to read, read Uncle Tom's Cabin, so MUCH sin and injustice).  We, as Christians, need to rise above the past.  The Bible is very clear that ALL people are valued.  All people are God's creation.  All are called to be His son's and daughters.  All can be saved through Jesus' blood.

Love to you.....

Momma love

So I go over to help my mom and somehow I end up with a bag of goodies to come home with. 

It seems like this happens ever time I visit. 

But today was a extra special gift. You see, my mom knows I really really don't like crust. I would rather just skip the pie. I know they are delicious, but nah, I hate that bottom. And my mom does make the best crust but nope. 

So she sometimes when she makes the filling and she makes the excuse that it's a ity bity too much to fit in the crust, she makes me this tiny little pie. 

Just for me. 

It melts my heart. 

Because you know, it's mom's job to make us eat stuff that's good for you. Like spinach or yogurt or liver even if you would rather not.  

But then, boom, this sweet treat. And it ain't good for you. At ALL. 

I share most stuff with G. But not this. Don't judge me. Or roll your eyes. Just don't. 

It's ground cherry pie. I can't help it. 

I ate half of it and hid the rest in the fruit department of the frig.  He doesn't like fruit. He won't get in there. And I covered it up with one of those produce bags. 

Mom also give me pumpkin whoopie pies, apples and soap. I'll share that. I'm not completely selfish. 

What's happening?

So many people ask out of sincere caring  "what's happening" in our adoption journey. Sooo here goes me. 

The answer is always hard for me because the answer is "a lot of nothingness". I wonder if people feel like I'm brushing them off and don't want to talk about it. That's not true. I do want to share. There is just absolutely nothing changing. 

At times, I do struggle. Big time. Have many doubts. Like .... maybe God knows I would be a terrible mother so He stalls.  I know these are attempts of the devil.  

But we continue in faith that God knows what He is doing and that He has perfect timing. 

Yesterday I got home at 3pm and decided to sit down. I figured the cleaning could just wait. About hr later, I remembered that we had a social worker coming to visit the next day. Talk about fire under your bun remembering that she will do a room to room walk. And it was a new social worker. Let me fall on my own dagger. I rushed around scrubbing floors and catching bunnies and spider strings. 

I kept telling myself that there was still a 50/50 chance we would like her better. But we just had a change with our family coordinator. And now this. 

Was she better than our old one. Nah. Just the same.  She is a very sweet lady. It's just that it's so personal and you see the unfairness of the process. They are just protecting the children. 

But no one that births a child gets any check. Nothing. You just go birth. You are not demanded to read books or do online training on parenting. You can be a dirt poor. Or be a druggie. Or a millionaire. And you get to go just pop a baby. And then you are free to go. You don't get a visit for the next several yrs to see if you are doing a good job. Nope. 

We live super clean lives and stay out of trouble. 

We need to do training and reading huge manuals. We get child protection clearances, then state, then FBI.  It's just that we feel a little like cats that have our claws widen and extended. G even said as she walked out "I can put my claws back in" (I thought that was hilarious being he is totally unruffled at all times). It just feels like they are looking for something to disqualify you as being parent material. They quiz you about your marriage, your neighborhood, your extended family, how supportive your friends are, your church, hobbies, work, your house, your health, your bills, your pay stubs, your reading material, why China, your schools, your insurances, your vacations, your baby making abilities, and how we bond. 

Yup. Do you think she would like the answer that we lay on the couch snuggled playing candy crush for bonding?  Shhhhh...Lol. 

Then remember if you adopt though China you will be required to have post adoption visits at 1, 6,12 months, and 2,3,5years. Yeah. 

But we be. 

good. 

And in a day or two, I'll forget the unjustness of it. That is the blessings of a sucky memory. I'll forget until the next update. 

I always go back to... This is a calling from God. He will continue to lead. 

Please remind us of this. Sometimes we forget. And we need you!  

The people in your Court

So I don't even know how is happened but all a sudden I'm signed up for a volleyball game. I was still blinking in unbelief as i sat in my car with my flip flops in my hand as I pulled in against the court. 

My coworker asked if I wanted to... I hesitated. Another coworker said "I'll do it". Ok. Then.

I'm out. Then Miss I'll do it had plans and needed a replacement and I was told that I was playing. Really. 

I never said yes. 

Next I was told that I was playing every Monday for 8 weeks and then a play off.

Eyes blinking. 

Another coworker was telling me not to palm it but to finger it. What?!  I just smiled. Like I knew what she was talking about. No idea. 

I don't do competition. Period. I'm not good. 

I just do my best. I don't need people to make me feel inadequate. 

Next thing I know, I'm standing barefoot, as a sweet lady explains what the goal is. Sure I have played before as fun, but I feel like my eyes are wide and that I have no idea what a ball is. 

I have seen in my life how sin works.  That it sneaks up on you.  You are unsure and then suddenly you are against the wire. Being somewhere you don't want to be. You are pretty sure you should run, but you feel like your feet are in quick sand.  Your heart knows better but you just..., well just don't have the strength. No strength.  Chains wrapped around your arms. Heart is bleeding. 

This is where your team comes in. Those people that are in your court. We are a team. And now it's not a personal battle. It is our battle. Do I trust them? Or better yet, am I trustworthy? Do I have their back as they fall?  Do we have the strength to raise each other up?  

Even if we have failed. Even if I have fallen. 

May we again stand in courage and boldness.  May we never forget that God is a forgiver.  May we stand in faith that God is the team captain. 

My July 4th

I go all out. Seriously. 

My friends are doing all Pinteresty food and decorating. 

But I make real mashed pototoes. Finger licking good mashers. 

And I clean my toilet. 

These are special times, peeps. Dont forget it. 

We still have freedom. I still can pray, and worship God. 

And make mashers and clean. 

Praise God!  

Hope you made these days as special as I have. 

People that make people feel normal.

So I took the assistant manager position.  I want to give it back every day.  Customer service can drain a soul.

In the middle of all that, my favorite coworker moved to a different office.  I miss her every day. I always drag my feet at new employees.  And she was one of those too, I didn't like her for a least a month.  But then somehow she became my favorite.  Like for example, she taught me to run, always encouraged me, never told me that I was too slow.  I learned to love it and to use it as a stress reliever.  She made me feel ok about having stinky feet because she was beautiful and no one looked down on her smelly feet.  She was hilarious.  Hands down, the funniest person ever.  Maybe because we both had warped sense of humor.  She loved sugar, yup straight up, just like me.  In fact, she just made jam this week, just to eat it plain.  Be still my heart.  And the best part, she never looked down on me because I was "different".  Never acted embarrassed to be around a plain olde menno.  

Moral of the story
You just can't find a friend like that every day.  We were not the huggy type of friends, in fact I tried to threaten that she was going to get a hug on her last day, and she said "no you are not".  In fact, I never told her at all how much I like her.  Or how much it meant to me that she accepted me as I was.  I may never. But you, if you have a friend like this, You ShOULD. Tell them!

Because friends like this, they are one in a million.  Never forget to thank God for those people that just make your life better. 
    

The calm after the storm

Last week as I tried to paint, tears kept dripping on the canvas.  Eyes too cloudy to see the details. 

I told G that if I would paint what was in my soul, it would have probably been black with a blood dripping heart and lots of splatter. 

It was just too much for my heart.  Broken relationships, feeling full anger and my being to stubborn to forgive, my best coworker friend leaving my office, being offered the assistant manager again (I've already declined twice), the reminder that I'm a failure of a friend, and Mother's day just reminding me my daughter is not in my arms. 

My husband and I did a mud run this weekend and stayed in the city for the night.
You can "run" from the pain, but it will always catch up with you.  I forgot the pain for about a day.  Then 2 elephants climbed on.

Face your demons head on, don't run, don't turn your back.  God will give courage and strength.  Never veer from God's Word.  


Tonight, I felt the total opposite.  I felt what happens when you surrender. When you forgive others and forgive yourself for your own failures, give up your rights and fall into God.  No, it doesn't fix/ take away my problems, but it lighens the elephant on my shoulders.

Peace.  Perfect Peace.  God filled moments.  Please stop the time.  Stop the ticking seconds.  These are the moments.