Real Love..Adoption

So I have read a post from an adoptive parent telling this story.  That after she adopted, her friend wanted her to promise that she would try to have a child naturally ...so that she could be able to know what true love is. 

"Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies" Romans 8:23 (NIV).

If 'we' feel like we can't truly love because the child wasn't born from us.. then don't expect to be a 'part' of God's family.  We are naturally dirty, sinful, lonely, lost people.  Only God can clean and save us.. to become a child of the heavenly Father and live in His mansions.

I want to be in China! now!  some days it's not a demanding thought, but today.. it is.
I guess I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.. my study is ending, my mind is focusing on my heart's thoughts.

This weekend is FINALLY here... waited/ looked forward to/ dreaded about for months.  ABO test final on Sunday, but a few weeks ago decided to add to the stress of this weekend.  Why not, I decided, to add my first 5k race to it.

WHAT was I thinking???  But I am not running for me... I'm running for "her" (those precious girls caught in human trafficking) .  Such a amazing cause, I couldn't turn it down.  No, I am not ready to "race" nor win, but I will finish! 

I have studied for 4 months for this test and still wonder if I'm prepared.  I didn't really even want to do it, but my A. Manager signed me up and sure enough, I was picked.  I moaned.. and moaned.  But it was "kinda" fun studying with a coworker.  Now it here.. and I wonder..

God truly has a better plan than I.  He fully distracted me from longing...from my heart aching for 5 months.   When they called and left a voice mail to tell me that I was chosen.. I remember looking up, and asking, God, what are you thinking... I can't!!  I'm too busy to study, can't You see, Lord.  This is not my plans!

God,  you have the best plans!  I can't wait to see what is next :)

I will!

This weekend, my toes and flippy flop attacked a metal garden rake.  equals a hole in the ball of my left foot.  I cried big loud tears..and I thought this is ridiculous.  I will.... go out and do more mulching.  It hurt, but not that bad, I was just angry, I thought that I would have to stop running for a while.  I can't believe that I'm saying that.  I hate/love running.  It's painful, but you get a rush.  For moments, I feel like I'm on the top of the world, good employee, wonderful wife, confident, trimmed to muscle only.  And then I look down.. ah, jiggles, welcome to earth :), I was just hallucinating.

I'm just me, that's what I need to remember.  I can only be me.

What to do about my exercise class?  I decided to get up and go this morning.  Up by 5 to get there by 6.  I'm to start out with 11/2 mile run.  I will...try.

 I made it :)

straighten the little life of me

ah, and the world is right.. when "Club Awesome" is on

ah.....

I wonder is my brain is dead.  I have nothing to share. on here. or fb.  blah, I say.  Is this normal?  Do other people deal with this? 

But then tonight at church a young girl told me when she overheard me talking about adoption.. she said, "oh, yeah, then you can be the family that nobody wanted."  ah, WHAT?!  wow, ok, so she is just a kid, but her mom just laughed.  In prayer the ladies were mentioning all the pg ladies or ladies that just popped and how waiting is soooo tough.  ok, so all suddenly my dead brain is angry.  yes, I know.  I need love.  It's just soo annoying...so let me say this... This family is NOT a unwanted family.  It has been dreamed of, prayed for, cried over, lost sleep over, feel like my heart being crushed often.  for years!  and if you think waiting for 10 months for a child is hard.. give me a break. 

Keep dreaming

Sometimes the dream of adoption is overwhelming.  Will God ever bring me our child?  as I page through lists of children that dream of having someone to love them, my heart is so heavy.  Sometimes it feels like that I'm doing heavy weight lifting and my spotter left me and all the weigh has crushed against my heart.  And no one has noticed. As I struggle to breathe.

Some dreams stay with you forever drag you round but bring you back to where you were. Some dreams keep on getting better but you gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure.

I chose to.....
                              keep on dreaming even if it breaks my heart

Thousands... Millions...Children needing homes

On saturday, I spent hrs looking and wading through waiting children list from China.  And your heart gets heavier and heavier.  Can't sleep without these children marching through my dreams and becoming personal in my mental life.  I want to be in China now.. but yet I wait.  I feel like someone is standing on me and I can't get my breath.  I pray for them all and especially for my girl.  How do I know which one is mine, Lord?  Please guide my heart and speak to me!