Weight on your shoulders

I just keep picturing this...

A mom dragging her toddler kicking and fighting into a building that they were going to inject a poison into the child to kill them. Or pull their arms, legs, and head off until they die. 

Because she, the mom has a life to live. The child is just too big of a burden.. too messy, too expensive. 

Everyone in that town knows that the mom is going to kill the child but NO one does a thing. They just watch. It's her choice they say. They may even hold her arm and help her in. 

Or what if it's a mom with her teenager?  "I'm done with you, I will tear you to pieces and sell your body parts and make money. 

You say... that's not true, that's murder, that's illegal. We would do something. We would call the police or child services. Yes, we would. We would throw our bodies down and fight for the child, the teenager. We would fight!!

The mom walks into the clinic and the child is fighting, kicking in the womb...it is ok to tear their body apart piece by piece or inject them with a poison to make them die. It's legal. It's the mom's choice. So we just stand by and watch. 

What will you do??

To China and Back

It was a hard trip. That's the short and long of it. It was so different than what I dreamed because instead of hugging the kiddos I was in the kitchen chopping, and peeling. I know God had placed me right where I was but it was hard to accept. I was running on 4-6 hrs of sleep a night which emotionally I was overwhelmed too. But God was there. His presence was real. 

Every time I get to go to China it's a dream come true. I just want to keep my eyes open and drink in every detail of my daughters land and culture. Even the "gross".  I looked out my 16th floor hotel window every morning and thought out there somewhere on this side of the world is her biological mom. The mom that chose life. I will never stop being thankful for her mom. 

The children tug on my heart strings. They are being taken care of well, their nannys love them!!  But they still need families. They need to be able to be cuddled and snuggled at night when they are afraid. They need long bath times to splash and be silly. They need a mama to work through their shell to see their true beauty that's hiding. One evening a little girl threw herself into a stiff board and screamed at bedtime. I cried because it was a throwback of Josie. And I see how changed Josie is and how much healing has happened and I want to see it in every one of these precious kids. But I also see the good. I nearly got wet eyes every time that a child held their arms in the air to be held. They know the love of being lifted and squeezed. Josie didn't do that.. she didn't know. Seeing love being poured into these children is priceless. They are truly being the father to the fatherless.  It is run all on donations and if you have a little extra to share... they need it.  https://www.zhanjiangkids.org/

Josie make a list of things she wanted to do while I was gone and it was long :). Sky Zone, ice skating, bowling, buy a fish, go to the mall, play play doh, and on and on. She truly loves her Baba and they had a party. Thankfully I was able to FaceTime them every day. 

I am so thankful for Nola, Sonya, Janette, and Gary. I was worried about Josie while I was gone but apparently there was no need :). In fact I think Josie is annoyed that I'm home. She has said countless times.. "I'm boring" aka for I'm bored. Brat level has leveled up 14 notches. Sheesh.  Next week I plan on cocooning in for a few days. I need a large portion of love and anger management and she needs a portion of respect. 

I am reminded again in how amazing my husband is. He literally had the time of his life taking care of Josie and loving on her.  My friend said early morning Gary always arrived smiling. Yup, that's him. Please Lord help him rub off on me!!  They have always had a special bond but now it seems even closer. I came up from showering last night and he had her pjed, teeth brushed, and hair combed. He is all hands on deck dad. 

      

She is a serious but a funny one

Today she told me that her China mom ate lots of mashed potatoes when she was in her tummy. I asked why?  She said "is it just what you eat when you have a baby in your tummy. It's for the baby."

G was telling about his health at work visit and casually mentioned that he might have to pee in a cup. Josie looked up and said, whatttttttt?  It was so funny to explain that and after so many questions... she says "that's weird". Yes. I agree. 

She has been introduced to broken families and it probably comes up every day.. "why mommy goes away and don't come back",  "I hate that momma", "that momma have to come back", and "where that mommy live"? 

"Can you bring home a baby from China for me to play with?"

Also introduced to death. After what seemed like hours of explaining she still whispered at the casket "wake up". "I tried to wake him up, mom" "why he not wake up". She almost always remembers to pray for the family every night. "Help her not to cry about missing her daddy. But crying is good when you are sad."  

Christmas

I'm just overflowing with thankfulness. We are so blessed. If you have Jesus, food, and a warm house then you are too. We are having so much fun trying to teach Josie about Christmas this year. We bought a birthday cake and sung happy birthday to Jesus. She loved it and it was the only thing she thanked God for that night in her prayers, "thank you we could have cake for God". She is a little confused to why God can't eat with us. I assured her that Jesus knows everything and was enjoying our celebrations too 🤓. 

He is like the wind. You can't see Him, but you can feel Him. 

For God so loved the world that He gave his only Begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life!!!  

The story of His birth is so beautiful, but it's His death that can save us. Make that choice today..Believe in Him. Feel Him. 

It's seems like a lot has went down lately. We decided that I could go to China to visit Grace Village ZKO for 10 days. To my surprise and delight.. I have 3 dear friends committed to going along. Josie being ok and the cost was the biggest hardest part of the decision. I decided to try a fundraiser of making Mocha Truffles. I figured I would sell 10boxes. Well, my friends apparently love orphans as much as I do and went crazy with support. 120 boxes later.. my plane ticket is paid. I'm weepy with the amazement and how God worked a miracle through my supporters. Thanks to each of you for allowing me to be YOUR arms and feet of Jesus. 

In the middle of chocolate making, I ended up in the hospital. A infection decided to randomly place itself inside of me. Doctors said no way to keep it from happening, I just drew the lucky straw. I figured Josie would have sleep issues again but she did not, praise God. Everything is better if you have good sleep. 

Gary is doing great at work. He's in the top three salesmen and fighting for number two. But he would never tell you :). We were just talking about stereotyping and we were laughing that no one would guess that he was a salesman or a firefighter... I guess to some he is too short, quiet, non feisty, and bald.  To me he is loud, jokester, just my size, bald and perfect. 

Josie is just full of herself. She doesn't get tired. Like ever. If she isn't doing cartwheels, she just wiggling like a centipede. And she is about that quick too. I literally have never been so tired but blessed in my life. Hats 🎩 off to all those with multiple kiddos. I have no idea how you are even alive. You are truly being pecked to death while living. 

She finished her first session of swim lesson and did excellent. Hopefully by summer, she will be swimming. She is happiest if she is helping. She loves to empty the dishwasher all by herself and help with laundry and empty trash.  If you ask her to play, she can't figure that out .... but ask her to do housework she will be like honey on bees. 

She wants to go everywhere and anywhere. If we are out and about, "can we go to one more store? I have a good idea, let's go to cvs. Or shop and save, we need orange juice".  She loves people. Any people. If she doesn't know you, it doesn't matter. You must come and stay. 

I got her adoption pictures printed out and she would look at them every day if I left her. I can't hardly believe how much she has changed and grown and has learned. 

Anywoo.... praying that you are doing excellent and pulling your peeps in close and treasuring them this Christmas. 

Merry Christmas to you and yours!! 

Catching up

I know I should write again. I used to get inspiration while driving alone. Hmm, alone. What IS that?  I'll try to catch you up. 

God somehow blessed me with two soul friends. I don't deserve them. Friends able to reach down and lift up. 

Sometimes it's hard to look pass the face, but take the chance. Reach out. You may be missing your new best friend, and they are standing right in front of you.

My best friends took a chance with me even though I didn't deserve it. 

Josie..

Where do I start?  She loves to use words like "apparently, frustrating, privacy, or having a issue" even if it doesn't make sense. She has no filter and its opening up a high new level of embarrassment for me. Like a large woman leaning on her shopping cart...within hearing distance "can't she walk?" Very loudly. Or "I can't tell if that a boy or a girl?"  She uses her manners at the most "interesting" moments. Like walking up to a work release prison worker that is emptying trash cans at the park and saying.."what's your name? Oh, Bill. My name is Josie. Nice to meet you."  Oh most days she can't remember to use a single manner, until she wants to remind you to say please and thank you after EVERY SINGLE phrase. Or after she is WAY disobedient and I'm WAY cross at her...she says "smile, Mama" it's not nice to frown". Pthhhhh

She seems to remember nothing from before the adoption. We occasionally asked her questions just to see if she would answer anything. We were eating pizza tonight and we decided to tell stories. She started our story as "a long time ago once upon a time she was tiny tiny and in China and she had two girls that took care of her".  Supposedly they fed her with a spoon and she had all kinds of details about how it was. She seem to be telling the truth. Gary and I was raising eyebrows at each other thinking we're getting somewhere. And then I asked her if she could give me the name of who she played with and she paused and tilted head and she's like.... "Eli" with a smirk. We all rolled with laughter. We will never know but it was good to have real belly laugh. 

I went away for three days and two nights for the first time while mom and Gary took care of Josie. I thought it would be rough but she was just fine. We Facetimed each day and she was WAY more interested in seeing my friend then me. But after I came back, sleeping again became a issue, only one night in two weeks, she went to sleep without screaming and stayed sleeping. We are doing again a sleeping chart that if she fills it up, she gets a prize. It's not working this time :). Tonight she told me that she wanted her sound machine on so that she couldn't hear the tiger that is outside and it could get her. We had a impromptu lesson on where tigers live. Lately lots of leg cramps and occasionally arm cramps which would cause screaming at night. It seems to be happening less with magnesium, calcium, and a daily banana. Thank you, Jesus!  

We walk to the grocery store, dollar general, or cvs at least once a week. I give her the choice to walk or drive, she always picks to walk it. We walked by a dead bird, while she is tripping around nearly falling into the road. The good mother that I am, I ask "do you want to fall into the road and get run over and look like that dead flat like a pancake bird"?  She calmly looks up and says, "no. But if I do, I'll go to heaven and get to meet Devin (my best friend's Angel)."  Oh, melt my stinkin' heart. 

Does every child move at the rate of a constipated sloth on Sunday mornings?  I'm sorry if I ever thought why are those people always late... Especially those with lots of kiddos. I have to SPOON feed every bite on Sunday mornings. Why?  Why?  I always feel like a super mom if we are sitting in church on time. 

Her favorite songs right now are Jesus Loves Me, Praise Him Praise Him, You Are My Sunshine, and a homemade one about if you see, you have to put your glasses on. Favorite food is still noodles but now also shrimp. Expensive kid. She searches the sales flyers to find "that stuff that you can't touch your eyes while eating it". 

Aug 2016

I need tips on little girl hair combing. Oh my stars. It is so matted in the back EVERY single morning. Even with conditioner and detangler. Along with the tears... It's kinda like trying to comb a mane while the horse is jumping hurdles in a entire field of cactus. And I used to dream of combing my little girls hair. Apparently the dreams were WAY unrealistic. 

Oh and btw, I totally trusted her with her scissors up to today. But nope, trusting is overrated. She hacked off the front because "it was in her way, and couldn't see". She even threw the hair away in the trash. Hmmm. 

One of her favorite phrases is "you have to get over and do it anyways". It is quoted back to me, anytime I say that I don't want to do something. Such as cook, or teach her to write letters. There is nothing like having your own words thrown back into your face. 

Things that I am learning

Things I'm learning...

1.  I remember hanging out in the backyard with Mr, just relaxing, all peaceful and calm. And then out of the beautiful stillness, came screaming of neighbors kids.  It would go on and on.  I would wonder WHY?!?!  Are they being hurt? Where are the parents?  

What I know now is.... My daughter screams earth shuttering tones randomly. I often ask why. Today the answer is "I'm yelling at the sun, cause it went bye bye. Yesterday the answer was "bird might eat my house".  Yes, the parents are here, they are just hanging on the edge of the cliff desperately trying to remain calm. 

2.  Monday were tough. 

Mondays are now tougher. I picked her clothes, she didn't like them, so I LEFT her choose what she wanted to wear.  The clothes that SHE picked out, she refused to put them on along with lots of kicking. Because they didn't match my clothes. OH YES, YOU WILL.  Two minutes later, crying because her hair was in her eyes and she couldn't see. I asked if she wanted her hair combed and yes she answered. Two seconds later, I'm combing her hair with flat out screaming, because now she's mad that I'm combing her hair. 

3.  Hand dryers are fun but self flushing toilets are scary. 

I don't like hand dryers but now they are hilarious to me.  She jumps and rocks her head and laughs and yells in excitement of hand dryers. Who knew they were sooo much fun?  But a automatic toilet is straight up scary. She rolls her shoulders up tight and shakes. 

4.  Your child may scream all evening. And mama may go weep in a random parking lot. And if you see this mama, or any crying mama, don't tell her to enjoy this age because it will go past so quickly. Don't tell her the teenage years are worse. Instead. Hug this mama. Tight. And pray. 

5.  Softly whispered words that was spoke to herself... "Mama will always come back"...will choke you up more than ever before. 

6.  There is such a thing as too much birthday. Lol. Yes, you already knew this. I did not. 

7.  I'm learning to stop comparing my child to other 4yr olds. She will act like a one yr old at times because she just can't express herself with words. There are 3yrs of orphanage life in her history. Grief will pour out when you do not expect it. 

8.  I need God EVERY SINGLE SECOND. 

9.  To stop expecting for my people to "get it". God doesn't ask each of us to have the same passions or the same strengths, or the same struggles. I want people to see how beautiful adoption is even when we are low in the valley. I want people to be passionate about stopping abortion.  But yet, only God can give you these callings. You may have beautiful God given burdens that you want others to feel too. I'm learning to pray for God to lay His hands on us and touch our lives and to help us to be BRAVE and do what He has called us to.