Grateful

The moment I want imprinted on my memory from this Thanksgiving is.. choosing to turn the music loud and just praising Jesus by raising our hands, dancing, and singing. My mind flashes to King David and the dancing in the streets. I don’t want to “waste the rain”. 

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?view=detail&mid=D54EC937AE0A983B8E31D54EC937AE0A983B8E31&q=stephen+furtick+wasted+rain&shtp=GetUrl&shid=a7533caa-fb58-42a1-a9ca-1ccd2466d568&shtk=V2FzdGVkIFJhaW4gLSBQYXN0b3IgU3RldmVuIEZ1cnRpY2svRWxldmF0aW9uIENodXJjaA%3D%3D&shdk=R29kIGlzIHRyeWluZyB0byBzcGVhayBzb21ldGhpbmcgaW50byB5b3VyIGxpZmUuIEluIOKAnFdhc3RlZCBSYWluLOKAnSBQYXN0b3IgU3RldmVuIEZ1cnRpY2sgb2YgRWxldmF0aW9uIENodXJjaCB0ZWFjaGVzIHRoYXQgR29kIG9mdGVuIHNwZWFrcyB0byB1cyBpbiBzdG9ybXkgc2Vhc29ucyDigJQgd2UganVzdCBoYXZlIHRvIGJlIHdpbGxpbmcgdG8gbGlzdGVuLiBAIEAgQCBAIEAgQCBAIEAgU3Vic2NyaWJlIHRvIHJlY2VpdmUgb3VyIGxhdGVzdCBtZXNzYWdlczogQHQgVG8gc3VwcG9ydCB0aGlzIG1pbmlzdHJ5IGFuZCBoZWxwIHVzIGNvbnRpbnVlIHRvIHJlYWNoIHBlb3BsZSBhbGwgYXJvdW5kIHRoZSAuLi4%3D&shhk=pDfnj82IaP09Xsdlkdgu%2F4mpQvGzBc3inMGmyEYEIX8%3D&form=VDSHOT&shth=OSH.vJ7u6tx9TH71XSwss%252FmTqA

Yes, Jesus!! 

I wanna remember everything that the Lord has done. 

I wanna be grateful. 

I wanna be. 

I wanna be.

I wanna be.  

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?view=detail&mid=1DAAA7E8245A2BADE3D21DAAA7E8245A2BADE3D2&q=treelife+kids+thankful&shtp=GetUrl&shid=e006d003-7c30-4fc5-add7-3054c3cfa5f4&shtk=VGhhbmtmdWwgfCBSb2FyIFZCUyB8IEdyb3VwIFB1Ymxpc2hpbmc%3D&shdk=RW5qb3kgdGhlIG11c2lj4oCmc2luZyBhbmQgZGFuY2UgYWxvbmcgdG8gVGhhbmtmdWwgbXVzaWMgdmlkZW8gZnJvbSBSb2FyIFZCUyEgTm93IEFWQUlMQUJMRSBPTiBBTUFaT046IGh0dHBzOi8vd3d3LmFtYXpvbi5jb20vRmF2b3JpdGUtU29uZ3MtVmFjYXRpb24tQmlibGUtU2Nob29sL2RwL0IwN1lCTlROSDEvcmVmPXNyXzFfMzA%2Fa2V5d29yZHM9Z3JvdXBtdXNpYyZxaWQ9MTU3MTI1MDU1OCZzcj04LTMwIE5PVyBBVkFJTEFCTEUgT04gaVRVTkVTOiBodHRwczovL211c2ljLmFwcGxlLmNvbS91cy9hbGJ1bS9mYXZvcml0ZS1zb25ncy1mcm9tLXJvYXItdmFjYXRpb24tYmlibGUtc2Nob29sIC4uLg%3D%3D&shhk=C1oIMDlz9rvGTMD2u1HJttwtXyisZZYsTk1Lo%2FNly7A%3D&form=VDSHOT&shth=OSH.DrxZZlg2Ub%252F%252Btk5SSqZZDw

Heading back into video school

I can not tell you how wonderful Abeka has been since Covid. Last year Josie and I made it through. It went well enough that we looked it to homeschooling 🤭. I can’t still believe those words came out of my mouth. But our school started back in session at regular time and Josie wanted to go so we were at peace with sending her. 

But I would be lying if I didn’t said that occasionally I wished that she would be home with me. I mean.. after school she has homework, piano, and vision therapy. It feels like we don’t spend enough of time together. And she is growing up so fast!!  😭

So yesterday we got the email that our school decided to close down for two weeks just for a precautionary safety measure. It was just a blessing that it coincided with our Thanksgiving vacation. So we will only have to do 6 1/2 days online.

After you receive an email like that.... your mind runs all over the place.

1. Oh bummer this is really going to mess with my plans. 

2. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

3. Oh this is really cool ...I’ll get to sleep in and spend more time with Josie.

4.Ughh..I feel guilty actually thinking that this is a privilege to have Josie home with me...when other families are struggling to figure out how to handle all their schedules.  And other families are struggling with their health. 

5. Day two is all the days that it will take for me to want to  pull my hair out of my head and send her back to school.

 6. I am so incredibly blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom.

7.I need to STOP feeling guilty about thinking that we will enjoy this. God certainly don’t want me to sit around and whine. 

Uncertainty of the Future

 It's rather funny thinking that our favorite song right now is Matthew West's song Truth Be Told.  The chorus that I heard Josie singing this morning while getting ready for school was.."I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not.  I'm broken"...maybe she talking about her mama :)

This past week as a crusher for me.  The stress of all the news surrounding the election wore us down.  As if we needed any more disappointing news...then we got a note from CCCWA that which they said (in my words) Stay home!  The hope that was inside of our hearts, hoping, oh hoping that by some miracle our little girl would be home for Christmas was smashed.  I spent the day sobbing and unable to pray, because it is just too much for the heart to bear.  

 Then came 3oclock pickup, so I get up and say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine. 

 Then came Sunday.  I figured, I'll count the books in the library just to get through the service without breaking.  You know ..every single song, prayer, and of course the sermon was about going through hard stuff and still trusting God, Him being our refuge, surrendering.... and even Gary's heart leaked into his eyes while leading songs.  He was thinking about Zuri and how it felt to hold sweet little Josie in those early days.  Counting books will never distract enough to stop the tears from spilling.  

It was hard to admit.. I just can't pray anymore.  For some odd reason, we are afraid to admit it, out loud or silently.  

And then again this song played.."There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin you don't already know so let the truth be told."  

He already knows.  

I suspect that these weeks will continue to flood our eyes.  I don't want to do Christmas.  I don't want to sit at the Thanksgiving table and be thankful when a chair is empty.  I don't want to give away the clothes that she already outgrew that she never wore. 

But He already knows.  And I hope that He gives me back my hope.