My word is Grace

I am choosing grace for my word of the year. Why?  Because I find that giving it is easier than to accept it for myself.  And I need it.  

The answered prayer this past year is... Josie

The biggest blessing...Josie

The hardest thing this year...Josie. 

But this parenting stuff is kicking my hiney. So let me start by telling this mess I am. 

I am reading Jen Hatmaker's book For The Love. Not only is she funny but she is jerking my soul out. 

Every

Single

Page

is what my heart is needing. What my heart is longing. 

We adults need encouraging words probably even more than the little ones do, because our hearts are so heavy. 

Jen H. spoke into me about being real. And truthful. Just tell the truth. 

Ohh, we get our big girls in knots with our fears of what others will say or think if only we were honest. 

If I'm honest and say I just weep in a puddle of a mess sometimes, will my critics suggest what meds I should go on? What will my always smiling, always got it together friends say? What will they say if I admit I struggle?  Better yet, if I admit that I struggle with being a mom, and that Satan attacks me just about daily. 

"You aren't good enough, you are too firm with parenting, you should be doing this way! You know that adoptive kids never turn out, right? You are the reason that she can't sleep at night. She would be better with other parents. You are so weak, you aren't strong enough, you are too impatient. You skipped your devotions, I'm going to win today. You aren't even strong enough to lift up your friends. Everyone's got it all together besides you. Don't you see their kids are free to run, you are such a mean person. She going to hate you. See their marriage, they are still in honeymoon stage, even after 15years. 

you are a FAILURE."

Just this morning, I may have or may not have said in a loud voice "stop crying, today is Mommy's day to cry" and then promptly bursted into tears. #mommahugefail. 

But if I hear other moms doing this, I would cheer them on. In fact, I'm clapping.  

I would give them grace.

They deserve it. 

But I just can't seem to accept that grace for me. 

God said that He removes it. Our sins, our failures, our mistakes. 

As far as the east to the west. 

Why can't I wrap my heart around that?

 

Why is it so easy to accept others faults as ok, because well, everyone makes mistakes. But then we hold ourselves up to a higher standard. Our mistakes are not allowed. So not acceptable. 

Period. 

I want to draw close to God this year and feel that unmeasurable Grace poured out on my soul. That when I fail... That I still feel His love pulling me up and accept His gift. Yes, undeserved, but still given. 

Given to me. 

Given to you.