Turning toward God

I was saddened by what I had seen but I wasn't surprised.  I had hardened my heart, trying not to be emotional, I was trying not to think, so in denial. 
But Wednesday was the day that all the weight of what I was really seeing fell on my heart. What it took was a little boy just dropped off that day.  He was a darling.  Maybe about three.  I just couldn't imagine how a mom could walk away.  I know that it was the hardest thing that she ever did, but she did it so that he could get help so maybe one day he could walk.  Seeing our docs and therapists surround him with hugs and smiles and later with prayers for him, his mom, and his nannies.....priceless.  That is when it fell on me, the weight of it all.

I imagined cotton candy and rainbows and only a few tears snuck out.

But later, the rain began to fall.  Our team made certain that we got together to share and pray, but I couldn't.  I prayed that God can hear my heart through the pain and my sobs.

I was frantic to talk to G.  My wifi wouldn't connect.  I needed his calming affect on me, I knew if I could talk to him that I would be ok.  All evening, nothing, I kept waking up in the middle of the night and trying to connect. 

Early early in the morning, it hit me, God wasn't allowing me to use my Dearest "closest to my heart", as a crutch.  He wanted me to be in the ocean without a life vest to grab.  He wanted me on the other side of the world of all I have ever known without anyone.  He wanted to show me that together we can walk on the rough water,  that He did and still can CALM the storm.  He wanted me to after chase Him.. Him only Him.  Only then, did I give it up, Lord, I can't do this alone. 

It was as if the the rainclouds cracked open and music seeped through into my soul.