New identity

I am so excited about my daughter. About being a mom. About watching my best friend/husband becoming a dad. 

So excited...

That I didn't know that it was going to be be so hard. So hard to walk away. To lay down those five keys. 

I sobbed. like a baby. 

I worked there for 10 years and ended as the assistant manager. As I walked away, down deep inside I felt like I lost a part of my identity. 

I felt heartbroken with all those very real relationships although complicated, will never be the same.  Those relationships that took years to strengthen.  Those will never be the same. Surprised at the pain that sliced my heart when a friend teased me about being unemployed.  I was unaware that my job made me feel like I was a part of the puzzle and that it gave me importance. 

My new earthly identity will be "mom". 

Only one more week. A dream that I have been dreaming since high school. One I truly never believed would come true. 

I will never forget that day that my husband said "we are going to have a Chinese daughter". 

God has given the dream and is leading is beyond our expectations. 

I knew but forgot....

As a Christian, things can't give me importance. By myself, I am nothing. 

I need to lay it all down. 

Falling at His feet. 

Only through, Jesus' saving grace, we ARE important. 

He tells us we are HEIRS of His. We are princesses and kings. We have our new identity. 

Only what is done for Christ will last. 

Peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches

Two weeks and two days.... Till we see our Josie. 

May I say time is ccccccreeping. Who know that one week could feel like a month? 

Our AWAA fb travel page is exploding with questions. Apparently EVERYONE has way to many questions and no answers. 

What converters, what season of clothes, what food to take, what time to get there, will we get to ask the nannies any questions, how much do we still owe, how can we afford this, is our child being taking care of, will our child be eating solids or walking, what VPN, what gifts to take for the orphanage, what flight are you on, will our child's passport get delayed???...............and the questions never end. 

My mind is shattered in a million little directions. 

One of the ideas to take along is food. Like crackers, beef jerky, pb, jam, granola bars. 

One thing I can answer is that I will be seriously cross if I travel the globe and I was expected to eat pb&j sandwiches. Oh my stars. I have been slobbering at the mouth since I returned from China 1 1/2 years ago. The food is AMAZING!!  I DON'T want to eat American. No no no. 

The thing is is..... Our questions will not end after the trip is over. My minds will still wonder why and what and where and when. We will be missing so much in her first three years. 

I really do not know who people do this without believing in God. We KNOW that God has led us here, then He will continue to lead. We can trust that He has it under control!  

Joy and Grief

We got our travel dates!!!! We leave May 6 and we will get to see Josie with our own eyes and touch her with our own hands on May 10th. This happens to be on Mothers Day!  I feel overwhelmed with God's arms holding us... I feel Him tightening His hug. He does care about the little details. 

I wonder if people can even feel my excitement because it's so tangled up in grief. Now you are wondering "why grief".

 

My daughter is gaining a mom and a dad. But she doesn't even know what that is. But she knows this.... she is losing everything that she has ever known. First she loss her mama. Now she loses her orphanage friends, her country, the smells, the language, and her nannies. Yes, she isn't in good surroundings. But that is all she knows. 

Imagine any 2 1/2 yr old that you know....imagine how that child would respond if you took them away from everything. And flew away around the world with two pale skins, funny talking, weird smelling people. 

Imagine if it happened to you. Imagine the fear. 

I can't express the love I have for my daughter. Just can't. But I'm also already aching for her pain... Heart crushing pain. 

Adoption is gorgeous but it also comes from loss. 

Do NOT stop praying.  Even after we leave. Even after we get home. Maybe even whisper more... go ahead and fall down and weep to the great Maker and Healer for us. We do not adopt because we feel qualified. But we adopt to follow God's leading and to see God work through our imperfect lives.

Celebrating Josie

My heart over flows.

My sister, sisterinlaw, and Mom hosted a shower for me. It was the most gorgeous decorated thing I ever did see. With world globes and Chinese decor and pinks and blues. It made me shiver in my boots.  And not only did I think so, but it was quoted by a guest that it was the best party food ever. Homemade spring rolls, sausage wraps, mini mini cupcakes, tea and fortune cookies. And every gift was precious and warmed me down to my toes. Pink, fluffy, and soft pretties. 

But it wasn't all about that. It was WAY more. 

This is what got me the most...the part that choked up my heart and tears...

the honor of knowing each and every one of these precious ladies. 

Each one brings a different story to tell.  

Each one has a part of my heart. 

Each one has been brought into my life for a purpose. To encourage and be encouraged. To bless and to be blessed. 

I don't deserve these family and friendships. But God loans to me these precious relationships. 

I  am honored to be trusted with them. May I never forget the support. The love. And may I shower it back on them.

May God pour blessings on them and that God would hear their prayers and answer. 

Go NOW

We will be first time parents. I think that alone can make this journey seem more scary. And that I have read and read people's journeys and books. 

I was able to go with a medical team to China over a year ago to visit and evaluate kids in three different orphanages. I got to see the effect of neglect on our precious kiddos. All these things make this waiting seem like forever. Now that we have a picture of our daughters face, these two months seem longer then the last three years all put together. 

I just want to go NOW. 

See that preciousness. See that!!  Does my heart's cry make more sense now?

I wonder

It's Chinese New Year. I wonder if Josie's orphanage is having any celebrating. I wish she was here so we could celebrate together. We would eat yummy food and make lanterns and giggle and snuggle. 

But I have to trust. God is way better than I when it comes to comforting and making us feel special. God is holding her in His hand. God's got this. 

Dreams...

We are feeling overwhelmed with love and our hearts are filled with praise! God has answered our prayers.  We will be getting our precious daughter Josie in April or May.  We are almost in shock :) because we have waiting soooo long.  It is finally here.  And God has absolute perfect timing.  We are working through more paperwork, but it seems ok now... because we have a picture of our gorgeous daughter in front of us!
Life is going to be so different.. I trying to think like a mom, act like a mom.  I can get overwhelmed by thinking about what I need. Diapers, cups, creams, car seats, baby toothbrush, hair bows, little shoes, pjs, rice and noodles, and the list goes on and on.

 And then I realize, what I really need is LOVE.  And I got that.  Amen