The calm after the storm

Last week as I tried to paint, tears kept dripping on the canvas.  Eyes too cloudy to see the details. 

I told G that if I would paint what was in my soul, it would have probably been black with a blood dripping heart and lots of splatter. 

It was just too much for my heart.  Broken relationships, feeling full anger and my being to stubborn to forgive, my best coworker friend leaving my office, being offered the assistant manager again (I've already declined twice), the reminder that I'm a failure of a friend, and Mother's day just reminding me my daughter is not in my arms. 

My husband and I did a mud run this weekend and stayed in the city for the night.
You can "run" from the pain, but it will always catch up with you.  I forgot the pain for about a day.  Then 2 elephants climbed on.

Face your demons head on, don't run, don't turn your back.  God will give courage and strength.  Never veer from God's Word.  


Tonight, I felt the total opposite.  I felt what happens when you surrender. When you forgive others and forgive yourself for your own failures, give up your rights and fall into God.  No, it doesn't fix/ take away my problems, but it lighens the elephant on my shoulders.

Peace.  Perfect Peace.  God filled moments.  Please stop the time.  Stop the ticking seconds.  These are the moments.

Too proud to come in last?

I have been working towards the goal of doing a duathon.  Running longer distances.  Bike riding.  But all a sudden I AM scared.  Afraid that I'll be a loser.. That I can't attain.  My heart tells me to run for those that can't.  In faith I'm still moving forward.  I bought a helmet and borrowed a bike, but I just can't get myself to officially sign up.  

Nothing to eat in the house, but still a beautiful Day!!

Every Year is a Celebration

It is our Anniversary today but...

It was one of those mornings as you woke up that you looked down expectantly to see tire marks down across your body. Only a bull dozer could make you feel like this.  But in fact you were still laying in bed.

It was a Monday that means we see nothing of each other, I work till 8, he has class till 9 or 10.

It always was one of those mornings that you were running late for work and you got into you car and the fuel was on E.

It was one of those days that you tried two gas pumps and neither worked.

I tried to stay quiet at work applying your mother's old wise saying, "If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all"



13 years..  What a odd number.  Nothing great I thought.  Who celebrates 13?
...but yesterday I got a funny card and a gift
...but today mid morning, I got a flower delivery.  It was for G&me.  It was from Mom and Dad.  Beautiful daisies, lilies, and carnations. 
...but this afternoon 13 Gorgeous roses were delivered to my work
...but this evening little cupcakes were delivered personally to my back door.

Then I started thinking,
I have friends, family, coworkers that are happy to see love.  Thrilled to see roses.  Happy for us, so happy that they remember us.  For our 13 years
EVERY year TOGETHER is a celebration.  I see broken marriages around me, or if they are not broken, many of them don't "work" well.

So YES, I celebrate.  Love, humor, companionship, best friends for 13 years.

Thankfulness

Can we see the Blessings and be thankful?


I get tired of using the washing machine.
      Just look at the pictures of natives hand washing their clothes in the river and laying out on rocks to dry. 

I find myself looking into the packed closet and muttering that I have nothing to wear that matches.
     They would be happy just to have something that was warm or not thread bare.

I find myself whining about a dirty house and air vents that looks like a entire bunny tried to go through and got stuck.
      They just want a warm building and a blanket.

I'm tired, I would just like to stay home on Sunday and not go anywhere.
      They just want to worship and praise God without hiding and being afraid of persecution. 

I have two freezers full, and I have NO idea what to eat.
       They just want to not feel those constant nulling stomach pains.

I just want to be alone, just to be away from people.
       He/She just wants someone to LOVE them, someone to call them family, or friend.

I groan when I fill up with gas, I have travel too far to see my friends.
       They want the blisters to heal because they have no shoes and have to walk miles for water.

I have a hard time taking the time to read my Bible everyday.
       They just WANT a Bible!!

I dread on Sunday because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work
        They dream of having the opportunity of having a good paid occupation just to be able to feed and
         cloth their families.

 I forget to thank God for giving His Son up on the cross, so that I could be saved and forgiven.
         They don't even who is God is, because they no one told them. 


May we feel and find the blessings in every dust bunny and every piece of dirty laundry.  May we savor each bite of food, and feel the love of being surrounded with our people.  May we praise God that we are able to talk and worship about Him openly!  May we feel blessed to have a job and be able to pay for heat for a warm home.  May we never forget what God has forgiven us of and that we never forget to share it to others. 

Refreshing the soul

I know that my blog seems heavy. It does to me too. But I started this space originally for my own little heart.  You know, dumping the load off my shoulders. But I chose to believe that I'm not alone in my heart struggles. That someone else out there in blog space struggles too. That someone else out there   believes that God is really strong enough for all of us. 

Went from a small tiny house with all silence and no kiddos to a weekend full of no silence and 4-9 kiddos under six.  It was a weekend that I fully realized that I need God. I saw my faults higher than the mountains, deeper than the sea.  There was nothing wrong with these special tiny children of the King, only me, a rebellious sinner in need of the grace of God stamping my feet wondered why God in His sovereignty hasn't brought me my child. 

Only God can bring us to our knees, and He decided to met me yet again.  He probably feels like He needs a extra assistant to deal with my boat load. 

He showed me that I can't do it on my own, because at some time there is a breaking point if we are running on self power. 

He showed me my selfishness. 

My selfishness. 

My selfishness. 

Did I mention my selfishness?

My impatience. 

That I'm unloving. 

You don't have time for the list. You don't. Promise. And pretty much everything goes back to be selfish. 

My spirit crushed under the weight of conviction.  

It seems as if Satanic attacks are close behind. Whispering in your ears that you are worth nothing, you can never be good enough. You will be a failure of a mother. A failure of a wife.  A failure of a friend. You try and try, but you will always lose. Don't even try. You're exhausted and tired. Give up, it's not worth the fight!  

There is nothing more exhausting then a spiritual battle. 

I know the answers, I just have to tattoo them on my heart

I'm nothing without God, but with God I am new

I'm a child of the king, adopted to be a heir. 

I am precious. Precious enough, for Jesus to die for me. 

I am washed by the blood. 

It's amazing to me that small things can refresh the soul, and truly make you feel God.  Yes, He met me again today. He met me in............

A Popsicle brought to me in bed

The blowing freezing snow. 

Getting off four hrs early!!!!

Pizza date with my Love. 

Shoveling the driveway, the cold wind just making you feel alive. 

Sprinkles on snow ice cream. 

Ticking clock. 

Bubbles in hot water. 

The only way out is through everything she's running from

It seemed dark this weekend.. very dark.  Dark beyond my own understanding.  My soul aching for the children of China and for some strange reason, Uganda.

Monday is the "most depressing" day of the year. I believe it.  Back to work full time, and with all these new year resolutions to try to keep (btw, my diet lasted about four hrs).

This morning while walking on the treadmill and listening to music and this was the phrase that caught my attention..
"The only way OUT is through everything she's running from."  I can't run from this.  Maybe that is what I have been doing.  Hiding. 
Continuing to use my umbrella, pretending not to feel or see the rain.
Denial. 

I have to fight through it.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground, stand UP when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain you won't drown
And one day, what is lost can be found
You stand in the rain

My trip to China has changed my life
It has set me back.. physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It makes me doubt who I am, what is my existence for? Why them and not me?  Where is my daughter? Why am I am here in this town?  Why am I working this job?  Why did I meet a person that has a mission in a deaf school/orphanage?  Is this a sign?  Why can't I adopt from every country?  Why can't people (even so called Christians) see that racism is sin?  Are you there, God?

This spoke peace to my soul... By Aaron Coalson

"Waiting is expected in the Christian life

The Bible is full of stories of waiting. Abraham and Sarah waited for a child. Joseph waited unjustly in jail. The Hebrews waited for freedom in Egypt. David waited for the throne. The Israelites waited in exile. Paul waited for a thorn to be removed.

Was God not in control here? Is He in control now? God’s plan is perfected in the wait, and we, His people are reminded throughout the course of redemptive history 
A professor once said, “The whole of Christian life is becoming what God has already declared you to be.” The wait you and I experience is not abnormal to the Christian life, but is part of the very essence of the Christian experience.
Our wait is painful, but it will pale in comparison to the glory we will one day see in eternity. Remember this in suffering. When you think about it in light of 100,000 years, it’s like a blip on a radar."