Sleeplessness

Remember when you were a kiddo and something sooo exciting was going to happen in the morning that you couldn't sleep.  I have that now, and to most people it's not exciting. I'm starting a four week exercise class again. I'm thrilled!  Mainly to just get a healthy routine started. Since I work around people all the time, sometimes I get tired of people. But with exercise, I NEED people... Badly. Or I do too much of this. 

Deep memory dreams

It's the perfect weather. We are the beach. It's overcast but warm breeze with roaring waves. Reading, drawing in notes in the sand, praying for my girl somewhere in China, laying here with my best friend and lover. 

There is a naval academy nearby. This may annoy others. But not us. Such a pleasure!  We don't get exited about "power and noise" to often unless its about fire trucks but..... Planes, especially fighter planes! That does it. You can FEEL the power, the noise!  We turn and smile each time one or two paired together roar over. It almost steals my breath, my childhood dreams rush back of being a pilot. 

Then I remember my young adult dreams of being a mother. A mother to a international family. That's the God dream, we are still waiting. 

Secret stories

Everyone reacts differently. 

Little teasing remarks about weight, height, how I talk, my lack of direction, my lack of planning, my clumsiness, my little weird ideas, my beliefs, my worries, my passions. 

They are to b jokes. And they are. Making life a little lighter. Making joy. I love laughter. 

But sometimes our women hearts are bruised, bleeding. Just aching for a encouraging word. A smile. To be told we are a Princess of God. That we are beautiful. That we are perfect. To b told God is going to work BIG things in our lives. Sometimes we need strong MEN in our lives to hold us. We need men on fire for God. We need soul friends, to cry and to hug. To guide us together closer to God.

But how do you respond?

I harden my heart. Lock the stories in. Can't make it look like I don't have it all together.  Can't share the storms, the days that I can't feel God. But I can't share the moments that God is big either. I hate how our pride holds our stories back. How we protect our hearts so we don't feel. 

We need to be windows that the Light is shining through. I need to soften my heart, allow the feelings, the pain, the joy. 

Passing on the Love

I have been noticing. 

My friend had to have surgery, so her mom said that she would take her food responsibility for a mission.  Then another friend told the mom that she would take care of her food and her daughter's food, so she could be available for her daughter. 

Another friend is moving out of the area.  Her friend, got babysitters for her two children and came in across several states for a long weekend to help pack. 

I just have been amazed on how "God's church" loves.  Maybe I can't help the end person, but I could help "a" person, so that they in return can help another.

Be the arms of Jesus!

Running the Race

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Oh this speaks to my heart.  Just keep "running" even if you can't see the finish line.  You are tired and it feels impossible.  Listen closely and you will hear the Father beside you, cheering you, telling you not to give up, guiding you!

Yesterday was one of "those" days

Do you ever feel....
like I'm in the middle of a desert and its 110 degrees.  I haven't had any shade or water or food.  I'm laying flat out about to die.  Can't even wiggle my toes.  I am dryed up.  So little life.
And within five hundred feet you can see your "friends" in a swimming pool sipping drinks, laughing your direction. 
Yesterday, I felt like the heavy weight of the world was on me.  How you can be surrounded with people and still be alone.  ALONE
I have a friend that would tell me that I need meds.  I feel like heavy days are just normal ever so often.  I really don't think that numbing heart pain in the right answer for me.  I could erase most of my heart pain if I chose to never think about orphans again.  Is that fair?  Or to turn my heart away from the struggling?  I believe that God gives me days that are down, so I start to think about other people's pain. 

So that I pray harder.
Speak wiser.
Listen more.
 

Grumpiness

I have realized that the dirtier my house is and becomes, the grumpier I get. 

After two days of having a yard sale and both days being hot hot, I am tired, very tired. We took our first swim of the year half way through clean up. That helped but then coming in to a exploded house, pthhh.

I decided to just get to the vacuum cleaner.  I couldn't stop smiling as the clumps of dirt rattled up the pipe. Then I stood. And stood. And turned in a circle. And smiling at the non clunkiness. 

So I decided that is why God has not sent me my child. One can not have a clean house with a child. One can't not be grumpy all the time either. One must get used to food and grass stuck on one's toes. 

I will try again tomorrow. But today I have clean toes.