Just let go

my surgery is scheduled for mon morning Very early. but i have a cold. now they may have to canceled. yesterday i was "trying" hard to get better, pleading with God to fix my cold. Then last night between nasty dreams and sleeplessness thinking about the whole thing.. i changed my mind. instead Lord, please make me sick.

I hear the little silent voice in my head..."Precious daughter, Give up, you have NO idea what is best for your life. Why don't you let go and let Me take care of you".

please pray that i "let go and let God!

Trusting... why is it so difficult?

When back to the doc on Wednesday for my preop and he ordered another ultrasound to check out the cysts.  They are bigger than ever..one is 3 inches and the other 21/2, but yet the doc said that i looked 100% better (emotionally).  and i feel that much better too, just peace about the whole thing.  All a sudden, I'm like let's DO this!  But now on Friday, it's hard again.... I have to keep reminding myself God is holding me right where He wants me.  The surgery could be canceled due to me having a cold.  Oh, this is not a part of my plan, this is not a option.. I suddenly "think" i need to "make" myself better.  I like action!  not waiting.  To me, it felt like God didn't take away my cysts but made them bigger, so He must want me to have surgery.  But now I have a cold, and it could get canceled.  He wants to drop my "ideas" of fixing this thing and just let go.. let Him take care of it, the way He wants to.  I must wait. and listen.

Missing Her

I miss her and i don't even know if she is born yet.... i know it's odd...but on Thanksgiving, we were singing a song before pray and eating... and i just started to cry.  i just couldn't help it, she is missing around the table, she belongs here, in my arms.  then i remind myself that God is all being, He knows, He's taking care of her better than I could. .. that gives me peace

last paper

ah, on saturday my last paper came in the mail for "operation baby"!  yeah!  got it notarized and then county notarized and then into the mail today.  oh so happy.. our paperwork should be in China (fingers crossed) by the end of the year.  makes me smile!  no major paperwork for a yr... breathing lighter now.  feeling like a multitasker today with trying to get that done before work and lunch break.  And i actually cooked a dinner.. kinda in honor of G's bday.  feeling rather good about myself.. until.... G told me that the washer is full of sour clothes... because i forgot them.. well, i can't be perfect, silly. lol

oh btw, i just figured out that i have turned into a hugger.  yup, me, the used to be big bubble hugger... is into the real thing.. turned out that i was missing out of alot of real close friendships :)

Surprise

G told me that we had plans last night and that it was formal and i needed to b ready by 4:30.  I couldn't even guess and i wanted to know but he wouldn't tell me anything besides it was going to be me and him and we were going south.  Well, almost ready and the door bell rings, i answer it and and huge HUGE Hummer Limousine was sitting out front with the driver at my door.  I could not believe my eyes!  On the way to get in, the driver mentioned that they were so excited that they tryed to get out the emergency exit.  "i was thinking, who is in there??"  9 of my favorite people plus G and i.  Felt like a princess drinking sparkling cider, and laughing continually!  The whole time i was riding i was thinking.."is this real?", "can i fry these moments on my brain?", "i don't want this to end"!  We went and ate an Japanese dinner, and then to the theater to see The Nutcracker.  and the ride back was tear running laughter of all the tight pants.

It still seems so unreal.. the blessings in my life (surrounded in God's love, amazing husband, supportive and fun loving friends) and i wonder.... could it be the last days of my life, or i wonder what does God have in mind for the rest of my life??  are these memories to be stored up for the darkness ahead?  I know these thoughts are random but...

I only know that God is big enough to get us through whatever it is that we are facing!

Bible Study

Just got home from bible study with the girls... ah, i love them.  it's like they really really get me.  and you gotta love that.  we have two hrs together and it's just not enough time.  i'm so thankful that i decided to TAKE the time and to do it.

but before that ..when the dentist and took a water bottle along.  and dropped it inside the door..and all yeah, it shot water everywhere.  and the employees just looked at me.  oh, hello.. you never seen water on the floor before.. or a lady wiping it up..oh, well.  it must have been junk to crack like that anyways.

Searching for God's Will

The anointing service was so humbling.  We felt the presence of God in our little living room as they laid hands on me and prayed and I will never look at that room the same.  God was here.. for me...  Prayer is amazing thing.  Lifts us up and gives us peace!  I have been Blessed beyond measure with a wonderful husband, family, and friends that prayed and fasted to show their support.  My prayer is for me and you to be in the center of God's Will!