Back to work

back to work today.. didn't care for it. at all.  I'm trying to feel blessed that i have a job and that i do feel well enough to go back. but.

The stress of dealing with people of all kinds and then add coworkers.  It just seems like everyone is stressed out because of Christmas and that it doesn't take much to snap. and i got tired of everyone telling me what to do.  and people would say.. ah, you should feel amazing and unstressed because you were home for a week.  "Oh, yeah, I love having surgery and being in pain for a week.  yeah, it was amazingly relaxing, thanks."  but instead i just smiled at them.   

So happy that the day ended and that i got to come home and chill and i am very happy i have a job, i'm sure tomorrow will be better :).

cat scratches

yup, that's they look like.. my battle scars.  Who ever has heard of someone staying home for a week and maybe two for cat scratches??!?  then i remind myself that it's all internal.  That it just takes time to heal, but these walls are closing in.  Today was my first day off all doc rxs.  Didn't do to bad, hoping tonight i'll be able to sleep with nightmares or sweats (maybe side effects of the meds). 

Finished my christmas letter tonight.. ahh, how do you wrap up a yrs stuff in one paper and make it interesting.  I guess its not interesting, but who's life is?  it's like this.. I love adoption, love talking about, thinking about, dreaming about, but i bore you to tears talking about it.  But everyone has their own passion that's ok.  The important thing is be PASSIONATE about something.  I dislike half ass people.  I like full people, on fire people, bubbly people.  Live & Believe what you are passionate about... then others may care.

It's all up from here at least that's what G says ;)

Had the surgery.  one of the cysts was like a baseball per the doc.  He said that i was a tough one, but he lies:)  Thank God it's over.  I know that so many friends were praying for me, lifting me up to the highest power ever:)  So incredulously sleepy yesterday.. I just slept, ate crackers, and popped pills.. what a life. ha.  and G was a serious lady's man waiting on me hand and foot.. doing laundry, emptying the dishwasher, cooking food, walking with me, and running to the store :)  gotta love him. 
highlight of yesterday.. G walking into my room with a smiley balloon after surgery.  i told him that it made me smile,  he said "it did not, you started crying"  well, that was just my way of smiling for the moment.. so :)

G went to work this afternoon and mom came over.  i felt bad as i was sleeping and she was ironing for me.  She did lay down and took a nap with me later:).  Sister stopped in with cookies, snacks, cake and the works.  It was sad that she had to go.. i like this family time.  I tryed to walk, cough and do some deep breathing today like a good little patient is supposed to do.. but that's for the dogs. 
Highlight for the day.. Coworker stopped flowers and a card off from the office.  Lilies are my favorite flowers and they smell amazing.  Sometimes I wonder if they even like my weird little self and then they do something so special :)

Coincidence?

Last night we celebrated G's bday going to the concert "The Story Tour"... it was truly amazing as the artists worked their way from Genesis to Revelations.  Makes me really realize what Jesus went through to be my Saviour!  and that I can have faith in Him no matter what I'm going through.  They asked for people to sponsor children through World Vision and we decided to.  Some people may think it was JUST coincidence that the young boy that we were given had G's bday and was born the year we got married.

But I think it was God's WINK in our direction!

Then on the way out, a  lady stopped and looked directly at me and told me hello.. I guess she saw my blank look and said "I'm Emilee from AWAA".  Ah, I'm sorry, but that can't be anything, but God!  Makes me smile.. Thank God for watching over me.

We didn't get into bed until 1:30 and I was awake ALOT :)... my stomach hurting.  and now up at 4:00 to get ready for surgery.. Here we go, God, please hold me tight!

Just let go

my surgery is scheduled for mon morning Very early. but i have a cold. now they may have to canceled. yesterday i was "trying" hard to get better, pleading with God to fix my cold. Then last night between nasty dreams and sleeplessness thinking about the whole thing.. i changed my mind. instead Lord, please make me sick.

I hear the little silent voice in my head..."Precious daughter, Give up, you have NO idea what is best for your life. Why don't you let go and let Me take care of you".

please pray that i "let go and let God!

Trusting... why is it so difficult?

When back to the doc on Wednesday for my preop and he ordered another ultrasound to check out the cysts.  They are bigger than ever..one is 3 inches and the other 21/2, but yet the doc said that i looked 100% better (emotionally).  and i feel that much better too, just peace about the whole thing.  All a sudden, I'm like let's DO this!  But now on Friday, it's hard again.... I have to keep reminding myself God is holding me right where He wants me.  The surgery could be canceled due to me having a cold.  Oh, this is not a part of my plan, this is not a option.. I suddenly "think" i need to "make" myself better.  I like action!  not waiting.  To me, it felt like God didn't take away my cysts but made them bigger, so He must want me to have surgery.  But now I have a cold, and it could get canceled.  He wants to drop my "ideas" of fixing this thing and just let go.. let Him take care of it, the way He wants to.  I must wait. and listen.

Missing Her

I miss her and i don't even know if she is born yet.... i know it's odd...but on Thanksgiving, we were singing a song before pray and eating... and i just started to cry.  i just couldn't help it, she is missing around the table, she belongs here, in my arms.  then i remind myself that God is all being, He knows, He's taking care of her better than I could. .. that gives me peace

last paper

ah, on saturday my last paper came in the mail for "operation baby"!  yeah!  got it notarized and then county notarized and then into the mail today.  oh so happy.. our paperwork should be in China (fingers crossed) by the end of the year.  makes me smile!  no major paperwork for a yr... breathing lighter now.  feeling like a multitasker today with trying to get that done before work and lunch break.  And i actually cooked a dinner.. kinda in honor of G's bday.  feeling rather good about myself.. until.... G told me that the washer is full of sour clothes... because i forgot them.. well, i can't be perfect, silly. lol

oh btw, i just figured out that i have turned into a hugger.  yup, me, the used to be big bubble hugger... is into the real thing.. turned out that i was missing out of alot of real close friendships :)

Surprise

G told me that we had plans last night and that it was formal and i needed to b ready by 4:30.  I couldn't even guess and i wanted to know but he wouldn't tell me anything besides it was going to be me and him and we were going south.  Well, almost ready and the door bell rings, i answer it and and huge HUGE Hummer Limousine was sitting out front with the driver at my door.  I could not believe my eyes!  On the way to get in, the driver mentioned that they were so excited that they tryed to get out the emergency exit.  "i was thinking, who is in there??"  9 of my favorite people plus G and i.  Felt like a princess drinking sparkling cider, and laughing continually!  The whole time i was riding i was thinking.."is this real?", "can i fry these moments on my brain?", "i don't want this to end"!  We went and ate an Japanese dinner, and then to the theater to see The Nutcracker.  and the ride back was tear running laughter of all the tight pants.

It still seems so unreal.. the blessings in my life (surrounded in God's love, amazing husband, supportive and fun loving friends) and i wonder.... could it be the last days of my life, or i wonder what does God have in mind for the rest of my life??  are these memories to be stored up for the darkness ahead?  I know these thoughts are random but...

I only know that God is big enough to get us through whatever it is that we are facing!

Bible Study

Just got home from bible study with the girls... ah, i love them.  it's like they really really get me.  and you gotta love that.  we have two hrs together and it's just not enough time.  i'm so thankful that i decided to TAKE the time and to do it.

but before that ..when the dentist and took a water bottle along.  and dropped it inside the door..and all yeah, it shot water everywhere.  and the employees just looked at me.  oh, hello.. you never seen water on the floor before.. or a lady wiping it up..oh, well.  it must have been junk to crack like that anyways.

Searching for God's Will

The anointing service was so humbling.  We felt the presence of God in our little living room as they laid hands on me and prayed and I will never look at that room the same.  God was here.. for me...  Prayer is amazing thing.  Lifts us up and gives us peace!  I have been Blessed beyond measure with a wonderful husband, family, and friends that prayed and fasted to show their support.  My prayer is for me and you to be in the center of God's Will!